Friday, October 27, 2006

Keith Law Sucks

OK, so normally I give the media the benfit of the doubt when it comes to reporting sports news--after all, they all have (for the most part) paid their dues, and do this type of thing for a living after years and years of covering bullshit like the Annual Spokane Rodeo.

However, Keith Law is a different animal entirely. For those of you that don't know who Keith Law is, he's running a "blog" over at espn.com, which is just filled with all kinds of negativity and poor form. For a little background on Keith, not only was he an assistant GM for the Blue Jays when they were T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E, but now he takes every opportunity possible to slam the Cards into the ground. Apparently, every game the Cards win is based on "luck", while every game they lose is based on them being a "shitty team".

Well, I've got news for you, Keith Law. The Cards are up 3-1 now. While your weasel ass might not care, I've noticed the increased hatred and disrespect you've been throwing the Cards' way this Series. Consequently, I'm going to make it my job to criticize Keith Law's column in the same acrid, disrespectful tone as he has been writing in this entire time. Here's your first installment:

"Whaddya know -- drama! I remember drama. Haven't seen it in a while, mind you, but I'm pretty sure this is what it looks like."
-Keith Law, reminiscing as to how he could get the "cute, drama boys" back in high school

"More than any other reason, the Cardinals won this game because of the wet grass."
This is amazing! I thought that the "wet grass" didn't have an impact on anyone except "The Weave", and I was sure that he'd clean it up before Game 5. Of course, since the Cards didn't fuck up in the "wet grass", it couldn't be that the Tigers were worse. Far from it, they were better, but for the wet grass. Thank God for Keith Law! Master of the universe!

"The Tigers are actually a very good defensive club, but they haven't looked like one in this series." Really? No shit, Sherlock...

"Their one major position-player error so far in this series was by Brandon Inge, an outstanding defensive third baseman. Pudge Rodriguez, considered by many to be the best defensive catcher in history, missed a third strike in the bottom of the eighth that allowed Aaron Miles to reach second with two outs. Then, Eckstein's bloop -- a ball Craig Monroe should have caught, but one on which he got a terrible jump -- knocked in the go-ahead run. "

I'm sorry Mr. Law, I couldn't hear you. Maybe what you were saying was muffled by you giving a big old slurp job to the Tigers. It's ok, I'm sure that they'll come back in 3 straight and you'll be vindicated.

"This game showed how, without the DH, the leadoff hitter can come up with men in scoring position because the nine-hitter is often bunting them over. Having a guy in that spot who can make contact when the field is wet and/or the opposing team is not fielding well is a big benefit."
My God, someone attended the Joe Theisman School of Journalism! Among other things they teach you there, the sun probably will rise tomorrow, and Halloween might be this upcoming Tuesday. Brilliant, Keith!

"Eckstein had an interesting night, reaching base four times via an infield single, the double that Granderson probably catches if he doesn't slip, a double off Monroe's glove that also probably should have been caught, and a well-hit double in the third. It's a very fine line between 1-for-5 with no glory and 4-for-5 and hero status."

Yeah, and it's also a very fine line between "I'm angry because THE SHITTY TORONTO BLUE JAYS FIRED ME, plus I'm a shitty assistant GM who won't get a look with successful teams from now on", and "I'm, slightly bitter, but still teams will be clamoring at the door for me once the postseason is over." What a delusional asshole...

"Just remember names like Wainwright and Josh Kinney when the Tigers' series loss is blamed on their youth and inexperience."

Right, finally a shot at the Tigers. Though, admittedly, I'm a Cards fan, this guy is the definition of smug. Hey Keith, did you sign up Josh Kinney when you were in Toronto? No? I'm sure, then, that you signed up a guy who has had a similar impact on the Jays, right? Oh, really? You didn't? Hmmmm...That is a fucking Mayan puzzle why they FIRED YOUR ASS, then, it really is.

"I'm not sold on Tony La Russa's decision to go with Jeff Weaver (whose low postseason ERA belies how poorly he's pitched) over Anthony Reyes (who was so good in Game 1) in Game 5, but given how many Tiger hitters are still struggling -- add Magglio OrdoƱez, who had a long, lackadaisical swing all night, to that list -- it may not make much of a difference."

At least the guy cares, folks. A lot of people say that you can tell a true baseball fan from one who doesn't give a fuck in the first few minutes that you meet them. But let me tell you, this guy LOVES watching baseball. What a fan. My hat is off, Keith Law. You are obviously a genius, and teams should be kissing your taint to interview for their vacant GM jobs. They'd be a fool if they didn't. Actually, can we get you to interview for Walt Jocketty's job? You know, the "dumbass" who assembled a team that is ONE GODDAMNED WIN from winning the World Series?

I await your apology, Mr. Law.

DJGel

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

5 years later and the some things never change. Keith Law continues to bash the Cardinals and calls the Cardinal fans 'stupid.'

The guy was a loser Assistant GM and he's a loser anaylst.

Keith Law sucks rope.

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