The Weekly Mog: Friday, March 2, 2007

HEADLINES

Duke Lacrosse Lauded for not Sexually Assaulting Anyone in a Year

Manny Ramirez “At Peace” with Being Paid $18 Million

Thirty Minutes Spent in Near Silence as Jay Mariotti, Bill Plaschke, Woody Paige, and Michael Smith Spend Virtual Entirety of Around the Horn on Mute

New-Look Britney Spears Runs Impressive 4.4 at NFL Combine

Jim Nantz Prerecords Own Eulogy
FAIRFIELD COUNTY, CT – In a surprising antemortem decision, CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz has announced that he has recently completed the eulogy to be read at his funeral. Known for his succinct and poignant broadcasting style, Nantz has made a career of summing up some of sports’ greatest moments with a measured dignity. It is apparently for this reason that he chose himself as his eulogizer.

Excerpts of the eulogy have been made available to The Weekly Mog.

“Hello friends!” begins the statement of mourning. “So many of you have come from so far. Who could have known that boy from such humble beginnings in Charlotte, North Carolina would grow up to touch so many lives? He left us too soon, indeed, but was it his time to be called home to God?... Yes!”

“What started in 1959 ends today,” the except continues. “So many stories. So many memories. Jim Nantz, ladies and gentlemen… as good as it gets.”

Pacman Jones to be Investigated by NFL Playerhaters Association After Club Fracas
LAS VEGAS, NV – Titans cornerback Pacman Jones is to be investigated this week by the NFL Playerhaters Association (NFLPA) after his suspected involvement in a shooting over the NBA All-Star weekend.

After partying until the early morning on February 19th at local gentlemen’s club Minxx, Jones allegedly made it rain when he and his entourage started showering the hoes – also known as “strippers” – with $81,000 in one-dollar bills. Jones reportedly became incensed when the hoes began collecting all that paper for they damn selves.

NFLPA spokesman Desmond Franks issued a statement condemning Jones’ alleged malfeasance.

“Pacman’s clear disregard for common decency is intolerable,” said Franks before throngs of reporters at an NFLPA office in Portland, Oregon. “While we’re obviously not in season right now, all NFL players – and by 'players' I refer to pimps, gangstas, and hustlers – are embassadors of the game of football twelve months a year.”

“As you probably know, the NFLPA has a strict substance abuse policy,” continued Franks. “It has come to our attention that Jones was popping Cristal champagne as if money weren’t a thing and was generally, by all accounts, balling out of control. At this time we are seeking to obtain a urine sample from Pacman to determine if pimp juice possibly played a role in the incident.”

Jones’ “flagrant flossing” is one of several infractions being listed on the NFLPA website. A cease-and-desist order has also been issued for the Sprewells on Jones’ 2007 Mercedes SLK although the rims, as of press time, are still spinning.

Gyroball Denounced by Vatican
ROME, ITALY – The gyroball – the fabled pitch that reportedly has unholy origins in the Far East – has officially been condemned by the Vatican. Eager to quash the possibility that the “unnatural” pitch may be incepted into Major League Baseball this spring training, Pope Benedict XVI has taken the offensive in preventing the spread of the blasphemous breaking-ball.

“The Lord teaches us tolerance,” reads a statement issued by Vatican officials February. “Yet evil flourishes in the bastion of unchecked lenience. For decades we have allowed Major League Baseball to serve as its own shepherd but that must change.”

“A pitch that cuts so radically across the plate would be devastating if allowed in professional baseball,” reads part of the 150-page statement. “A batting average is sacred. Anything that threatens even one innocent lead-off hitter is an affront on Jesus Christ and a threat to all of Christendom.”

The gyroball is rumored to have originated in Japan, a country that the Pope has decried as “backward” and “unclean.” Apparently developed by unscrupulous baseball zealots under mysterious circumstances, the pitch’s notoriety has ironically led to a popular belief that it is merely a myth.

“Do not regard this lightly, fellow Christians,” adds the Vatican’s statement. “The ‘bullet-spin’ of the gyroball is real and is sinful. If left uncurbed ERAs could plummet to the unthinkable depths.”

Since the release of the statement, the Pope has embarked on a tour of several countries said to be on the “front-lines of the war on extreme spin.” Already having met with state officials in Cuba, the Pope appeared in the Dominican Republic where he said he feared that, if the gyroball is accepted in professional baseball, on-base percentage may suffer “irreparable decay.”


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