Sunday, June 24, 2007

Lost Bloggin': The Season 3 Finale

I know, I know, it's been a month since the Season 3 finale. However, since I'm working for the man and 1/2 Man has his own shit that he's been working on, this has taken an especially long time to put together. Well, here it is. Tear into it, you fucking jackals. Enjoy your "Lost" fix one last time before we come back to it in February.

DJGel: Well Dave, I must say that it feels good to be back, though you and Drew handled the column very adroitly last time. That said, I'm definitely excited to be back for this final installment of Season 3 Lost Bloggin'. Here's a quick recap:

-The first episode centered around Charlie making a list of the top five moments of his "pathetic little life" (his words, not mine). I can't believe that I'm saying this, but the episode actually endeared Charlie to me a bit, and I think really worked well within the story.

-Desmond told Charlie that he saw a new flash that involved Charlie in a hatch, him flipping a switch that turned off a flashing yellow light, and then him drowning. However, Desmond also said that if he did so, Claire and Aaron would be rescued in a helicopter.

-Charlie (surprisingly) did the noble thing and prepared to die. He said his goodbyes to everyone on the island, including Aaron.

-Charlie kissed Claire for about 3 seconds. I'm not sure if you get the HD feed or not, but I'm pretty sure that you can see Charlie walking away from the scene with a giant erection.

-Jack crafted a plan to dispose of the Others coming to take the pregnant women from the camp by (of course) blowing them up with DYN-O-MITE! He and Rousseau went about setting a trap for the Others.

-Ben ordered the Others' "commando squad" to head to the beach early to get the pregnant women because he claimed that Locke had an "accident." Richard seemed somewhat put off by this. Ben also claimed that if any of the men were stupid enough to get in their way, the commandos were to kill them. Uh, yeah Ben, you're the "good guys" all right.

-Alex got wind of Ben's plan and told Carl to go warn the Losties about it. Carl agreed because he's totally whipped.

-The Losties, forced to improvise after getting wind of the impending siege by the Others, get the brilliant idea to set off the dynamite in the tents by shooting at it. Sayid, Jin, and Bernard stay behind to shoot at the tents.

-Meanwhile, Jack concocted a plan to break the radio silence from the island. He headed up an expedition to the radio tower to cancel Rousseau's signal, as it was interfering with Naomi's Satellite phone. However, Juliet revealed that Ben was jamming the signal from an underwater hatch called "The Looking Glass." Charlie, sensing a way to get Claire off of the island before he has even reached second base, volunteered to make the swim to the hatch. Desmond gleefully followed him like an eager Innis Del Mar on a fishing trip.

-Charlie and Desmond headed out along the rope down the beach to the underwater Looking Glass hatch. At the last minute, Desmond attempted to take Charlie's place diving down to the hatch, but Charlie knocked him out before he could do so.

-The first ep ended with Charlie swimming down to the hatch, surfacing in a submarine bay, and then yelling about how he's still alive before being confronted by two hot chicks with guns.

-The Finale began with a Jack "flashback" where he had a full beard that made him look like a community theater version of Rasputin. He is seen on a plane downing booze with a guy who looks eerily like Jin (with a different Asian woman than Sun) sitting directly behind him.

-Jack made his way to a bridge where he came very close to committing suicide. However, some chick got in an accident and prevented him from doing so. He pulled the woman and her son from the wreckage. We see the son later, and he looks oddly like a very young Ethan. Hmm...

-Charlie got the shit beat out of him for every smart ass answer that he gave to the hot chicks in the Looking Glass who were interrogating him. On a side note, how did Charlie go from "total joke of a character" to "rivaling Sawyer for smart-ass one-liners" in a span of two episodes? It's somewhat mind-boggling…

-The Others storming the beach didn't suspect a thing as they approached the tents. Sayid and Bernard hit the dynamite in the tents on their first shot, taking 7 Others along with them. However, Jin couldn't hit his tent, and the remaining 3 Others took Bernard, Sayid, and Jin hostage. I will allow you to defend the Asian guy's honor here.

-Ben told Mikhail to head to the Looking Glass. He ended up firing at a waking Desmond in the boat. Desmond dove down to the hatch, then deftly hid in a locker while the two comely ladies argued in a soundproof airlock.

-Mikhail talked to Ben, who told him to kill the two girls and Charlie. Mikhail agreed, and shot both of the girls, killing one instantly.

-Unfortunately for old Mikhail, Desmond happened to be in a locker with a spear gun. Desmond pumped that fucker directly into Mikhail's chest before he could kill Charlie. Charlie got the barely alive chick to tell him that the code to the jamming device was keyed to the Beach Boys' song "Good Vibrations." Amazingly convenient.

-Meanwhile, on the trek to the radio tower...

-Kate tried to convince Sawyer to head back to camp. Sawyer declined. Mere minutes later, Sawyer headed back to camp with Juliet, who kissed Jack very openly before she left (confused yet?) Kate was noticeably jealous.

-Hurley followed Sawyer and Juliet, but Sawyer, fearing that Hurley would be killed, told him to turn back. Hurley left, seemingly dejected.

-This entire time, Ben had been plotting to meet Jack and company before they reached the radio tower. He took Alex with him. Ben finally met Jack as he was approaching the tower.

-Ben set up a plan where he told Jack that Naomi was a part of the "bad guys," and he would be remiss to contact the outside world using the phone. Jack claimed bullshit. Ben then told Tom and the other 2 Others to kill the Losties on the beach if they didn't hear from Ben within a minute. Jack "called Ben's bluff," and heard 3 gunshots for his trouble after the minute wore out. This kind of sent Jack over the edge. He beat up Ben pretty bad, then dragged him along to the radio tower to get revenge.

-Sawyer and Juliet made it back to the beach without any weapons or a plan...only to find Hurley driving out of the woods in the goddamned VW Bus. Not sitcommy at all! At any rate, Sawyer drives over one of the Others, Sayid pulled a Zenia Onatop from "Goldeneye" and broke another's neck with his legs, and Tom seemingly surrendered. Sawyer, using a gun he found on the ground, put a bullet in Tom's chest and claimed, "That's for taking the boy off of the raft." When pressed by Hurley that he surrendered, Sawyer replied, "I didn't believe him." Just two badass lines that announced Sawyer's presence with authority again.

-My God there are a lot of storylines to juggle here. At any rate, Charlie shut down the jamming device and received a communication from Penny. Penny claimed not to know anything about a "Naomi" or a "boat." Before Charlie could alert Desmond, who was preparing scuba gear for the two of them, our old friend Mikhail showed up with a grenade outside of the window of the airlock. Charlie closed the airlock door to save Des, and then proceeded to drown. He wrote on his hand for Desmond to see that it wasn't Penny's boat on the island. I was actually somewhat disappointed due to the build-up of the past few episodes.

-While all of this was going on, Jack's "flashback" continued. He saw some article in a newspaper that really shook him up. He proceeded to a funeral that was attended by nobody. When asked if he was a friend or family, Jack gave sort of a non-committal answer. He didn't open the casket (of course) so we have no fucking idea who it is, though Grant made a pretty educated guess that it was Ben Linus

-Need I remind everyone that Jack also was a Junky who was addicted to pain pills? He also made several disconcerting present-tense references to his father in the episode (more on that below).

-If that weren't enough, they cut to Locke in the mass grave, trying to kill himself with a gun that he found in there. Right before he pulled the trigger, though, he saw a vision of Walt that told him that "he had work to do." Unfuckinbelievable.

-With the interference disabled, the Losties powered down the radio tower, enabling the phone to get a signal. Naomi was about to talk on the phone--until John Locke stuck her square in the back with a fucking knife from about 100 feet away. He threatened to kill Jack if he continued to let the phone ring, but he didn’t have the balls, even though he stated that "Jack wasn't supposed to talk on the phone."

-The phone was eventually answered by a guy with a really Polish-sounding name. That's not nearly the most interesting part of the episode, though.

-Jack was seen in his apartment talking to some unknown person on the phone. He had many maps of the south pacific on the wall with tons of pin points. For a brief moment, I think that Jack is a plant all along.

-The climax involved Jack meeting someone at the runway at LAX. That someone turns out to be...drumroll please...KATE! It was a flash-forward the whole episode! Jack noted how he expected to see Kate at the funeral. Kate says that "he" would get suspicious if she didn't return home soon. Who's funeral? Who is HE? Who knows?

-Jack references several other things to make the viewer think that this scene takes place in present day, including Jack referencing the "gold card" that Oceanic gave him for unlimited flights, and how he was flying every weekend, hoping to crash back on the island. Kate essentially tells him to fuck off. We then cut to credits.

Fucking A. That was the longest recap by far, but entirely necessary. Did I miss anything? (I'm sure I did).

½ Man ½ Am-Asian: That was pretty thorough. A couple inane points:

-There was the whole "DS" heirloom ring that Charlie's brother gave him which he, in turn, gave to Aaron. Things like this seem to have a tendency of popping back up.

-Jack told Kate that he loves her for some reason. A good addition to the story, no doubt, but it was kind of random and only relevant in the context of the very last scene.

-Ben told Alex that Rousseau is her mother. Eh, there's an awkward embrace and that's about it.

So everything in the first episode was pretty much resolved by the second one: We see what happens to the Looking Glass, why it gets flooded, who the chicks are, and how the rest of the Losties deal with the impending Others' attack. It was a pretty good episode but I don't think there's too much to theorize about.

As sort of an offshoot of the episode, however, do you think Charlie's dead? I must confess that a) I didn't think the writers would actually fulfill their promise and b) I was so surprised that I was mildly upset when it happened. Not exactly my finest hour. Anyway, to answer my own question, I think there's definitely room to bring back Charlie; I mean, they've brought back Mikhail, like, a dozen times now so I think Charlie's fair game too. Plus, why didn't he just swim out of the porthole that was blown open? Obviously the Looking Glass was not so deep that he couldn't swim down to get there so why couldn't he have made it up? Granted, a nefarious eye-patch-wearing Russian would have been waiting for him but that's beside the point.

So, again, is Charlie dead? If so that would mean the Losties have to get off the island seeing as it fulfilled Desmond's flash, right?

DJGel: Well, it looks like the writers have answered that one for me. Look at this article. Seems pretty conclusive that Charlie won’t be back. So now, Dominic Monaghan gets to sit on his ass in Hawaii, sipping drinks and getting massages while his incredibly hot future wife is making millions that he will get to spend. Or, as I like to call it, “My five year plan.”

I think that the Losties have to get rescued at some point now, probably by the “bad guys.” Grant had a couple of interesting ideas on this one. First, he thinks that the main storyline will now occur in the “future,” with the “flashbacks” occurring on the island. I can’t say that I would be surprised if that was the case. Also, he seems to think that it was Ben Linus in the coffin. I think that it’s probably the best guess I’ve heard, but I can see that it might be someone else. What about Rose? If Bernard would die here coming up, and her cancer would return once off-island, it could certainly cause Jack to go over the edge, since she wouldn’t have died if he didn’t have them rescued.

I still think that there’s some way to break the cycle. Desmond kind of was onto something with his flashes, but he obviously wasn’t able to break the cycle in the end. I think someone will have an opportunity to go back to this episode at some point and “make things right,” especially since Locke said, “You weren’t supposed to do that” to Jack after he calls in the rescue. Desmond gave us a glimpse of this in his early episode—he WAS supposed to push that button. So, in short, I think that either someone has to go back or Desmond has to make things right somehow in the future so that the alternate reality that we saw never comes to pass.

On a lighter note, what was with Juliet and Jack smoochin’ there at the end of the episode? And why couldn’t Sawyer come up with a good one liner to counter Juliet when, after asking her if she was screwing Jack yet, she replied, “Are you?” I mean, there’s a joke in there somewhere, right?

Also, what’s your take on the whole “Hurley saves the day with the bus” gimmick? I think it was really lame and reeks of a “jumping the shark” moment, but most people I talk to not only weren’t horribly offended by its lack of originality, but in fact liked it. So I ask you, what do you think good sir?

½ Man ½ Am-Asian: I think you're right about the show moving to the future. At the very least, I think we're done with flashbacks and now it will only be flashforwards; that is, maybe it'll take the rest of the show for them to actually get off the island but we'll see all the dire consequences of doing so for each character. My prediction is that they will spend the next season doing this and the finale will be Desmond somehow altering this course. The last two seasons would probably be the Losties and Others trying to rectify the problems of the island that Ben was originally trying to fix (i.e. the smoke monster, Jacob, pregnancy, etc.).

lf this turns out to be the case for next season there's almost too much fallout from leaving the island to list, but here's a short attempt:

-Jack no longer has any purpose as demonstrated in his flashforward. On a related note, should we assume his father is actually alive or was he just "tripping balls?" The former is much more intriguing.

-Kate, Sun, and maybe even Claire will lose their babies; Jin will go back to having a baby dick or whatever.

-Rose and Ben will die of cancer and Locke will be paralyzed. Hurley will ... continue being fat.

-Nothing good can come of Sawyer and Sayid's situations. Both don't really have anybody back in the real world and both boned hot white chicks; going back home can only be a downgrade.

That's my theory.

As for Juliet and Jack, I don't know what to make of this quite yet. It seemed like the writers wanted to move away from the love triangle, save Kate briefly getting jealous, but now they've resuscitated this big time. I guess it doesn't hurt to entertain the remote possibility of a Wild Things retread on the island but I thought they wrapped the love stories pretty well (i.e. Jack with a questionably trustworthy Juliet, Kate a questionably trustworthy Sawyer). Eh, it doesn't take much off the table but doesn't add much either.

I chalk up Hurley saving the day to a necessary evil. Hey, at least we can say that his Cheech Marin episode wasn't a complete non sequitur now and the writers really needed him to do something other than conspicuously get fatter even though they're marooned on an island. Could this be a "jumping the shark" moment? Perhaps. At this point I'm just glad that the writers gave a pretty damn pleasing finale after a very up-and-down season.

On a slightly nit-picking note, did you think it was a little incongruous for Locke to put a knife in the back of Naomi (after not being able to kill his incredibly villainous father) and then not be able to at least shoot Jack? And why did NOBODY get an answer out of Naomi as to who she was, who the ship belongs to, why she was flying the helicopter, why it crashed, why she had a picture of Des and Penny ... ? I mean, there were a million questions about her but all we knew about her was that she had a satellite phone. And then any-life-is-precious Locke just kills her. Come on!

DJGel: Wow, a lot of good points there, Dave. Here are a few of my predictions for what happens in the future:

-Jack’s dad is alive. His corpse caught a whiff of that whisky (because it is English, after all) that Des, Hurley, and Charlie were drinking and immediately sprung back to life, seeking the delicious nectar that kept him alive while being bitched at by his sanctimonious son for all of those years.

-Sawyer and Sayid’s characters have plenty left to accomplish--namely star in a spin-off abc sitcom of some sort. “One’s a badass former torturer. The other, a hardened southern con man. But what happens when they both have to band together to face their most daunting challenge yet…FATHERHOOD! From the producers that brought you ‘According to Jim,’ it’s ‘Fathers Know Best!’” I mean, it’s worth a shot, right?

-Rose and Bernard will…still be boring. By the way, was I the only one who caught when, in the second-to-last episode, when Rose was trying to convince Bernard not to stay behind, she said something like, “well, if you’re going to be out on the beach all night, we’d better get you into something dark…” Was I the only one that caught that? As a master of the lost art of double-entendre, I thought you would be the first one to pick up on that one, Dave.

-Locke will somehow manage to become the spokesman for a wide variety of cleaning products, the French national soccer team’s goalie, and captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Seriously, though, I think Locke had no problem killing Naomi because she is one of the “bad guys” who isn’t “supposed” to be on the island. Locke’s big thing is that the castaways and Others both have some greater purpose for being on the island. Because she didn’t, he probably has no problem killing her, but wasn’t “supposed” to shoot Jack, even in the leg, if that makes any sense. Where does that leave the real Sawyer? I guess Sawyer had to work through those issues to shed himself of that baggage and become his own person for once in his life. Also, Locke obviously had big problems when it came to that asshole, so he wasn’t the “right man” for the job.

I mean, in terms of other “unresolved things,” they’re going to have to explain how the plane was found with all of the dead bodies. I know, I know, Naomi could have been lying, but Locke’s father also confirmed that they had found all of the bodies and the wreckage, so that leaves a bit of a problem hanging. How did Walt age 3 years in 2 months? He looked like Greg Oden’s older brother when Locke saw him. Will Desmond be able to alert everyone that it wasn’t Penny’s boat, or is it too late?

Also, do you think that it’s possible that everyone except Jack and Kate (and the one other person in the coffin) stays on the island somehow? That Kate adopts the identity of one of the dead castaways to start a new life? That Jack feels the need to “save” everyone else on the island from whatever the “bad guys” are doing to them, either enslavement, forced labor, or making them just watch Rose, Bernard, and Hurley live their lives for months on end? I think this could be a distinct possibility. Thoughts?

½ Man ½ Am-Asian: Well, this was a very interesting finale in that there's a lot to go
off of and also not a lot to go off of. Really, the writers completely flipped this thing on its head, so much so that it's difficult to try to connect anything. I could try to make sense of all this but ultimately I've got nothing, I just need to see how this plays out. I mean, at this point, they could just have Jack get clocked with a cricket back and have all the flashforwards stop.

So where does that leave us? I think the only subject to cover is the overall theme of the show, island, etc. For the sake of argument, it seems like the new matchup is Losties/Others vs. Naomi's Ship. The ship's purpose is heavily veiled at this point but the main options probably have something to do with the fathers of Penny and Sun. Being evil, corporate pricks, they probably want to harness the island's healing, send-you-back-in-time, smoke-monster-related powers. Honestly, I can't think of a unifying theory that could cover all the bizarre shit that's happened; I think I need to consult The Great Brain on this one (speaking of which, expect a solo debut from GB in the near future).

Any new ruminations on an overall Lost theory?

DJGel: Nothing too concrete. This one just kind of popped into my head as I was typing: what if Naomi’s people were the ones who caused this specific group of people to be on Oceanic 815 for some reason, then caused the plane to malfunction and fly over the island so that they could possibly discover it? I mean, it could even be that the Judy Dench lady is one of “the bad guys,” who hoped that Desmond might turn the key at some point and make the island easier to find. In that sense, they could re-frame the equation as “free will vs. predestination.” That might even explain Ben trying to make Locke kill his father—he wanted Locke to prove that he could create his own path, free of the “universe’s control.” Meanwhile, Naomi and her people (and maybe even Locke, judging by his “You’re not supposed to do that!” speech to Jack) believe in this “universal predestination” ideal and think that they are “supposed” to find the island for their own sinister purposes. Where does the smoke monster fit into all of this? I don’t know. All I know is that he tears trees out of the ground like they’re dandelions and beats the shit out of badasses like Eko.

I mean, it doesn’t give us too much direction to work off of, but it’s about as good as I can do right now. I mean, even a bit removed from the whole episode, I’m still reeling a bit and struggling to get my footing—or as I like to call it, pulling a Lindsay Lohan at a traffic stop. Any final thoughts or theories of your own?

½ Man ½ Am-Asian: Like you, I don't have much. As we'll be flipping between the island and the real world more next season (Naomi's boat, flashforwards), the only thing I can say is that we'll probably see a lot more previously ancillary characters popping up. Penny, her father, and Sun's father are all right in the mix now. Jack's degenerate dad is hopefully back as well. Is it too much to hope for a little Cheech Marin next season?

Since the show's ending in three seasons, I see things generally wrapping up in two. Specifically, I think the final season will be dedicated to them (Losties, Others, Bai Ling, etc.) having to resolve whatever problems are happening on the island. So that implies a lot of the mystery of the show will have to be revealed over the next TWO seasons (I did that math in my head if you were wondering). This may be a tall order; just off the top of my head, we have no idea what's going on with the Black Rock, the mural in the Swan, Desmond's flashes, Jin's 360 roundhouse -- suffice it to say there are a lot of loose ends to tie up. However, this whole Naomi's-boat thing smacks of a good precipitation point for some pieces to fall into place over the next two seasons. And, after a quick look back at my record, it's a safe bet none of these ambiguous predictions will even come close to fruition. Kobe!

One last thing, whose idea was it to start Season 4 in February 2008? I think this means we'll get a nonstop season instead of two halves but, sweet sassy molassy, February seems like a long ways away. Let the dead-horse-beating begin!

DJGel: I think you’re pretty on point with your theory as to the direction of the show. That final season is really going to be something. I also cannot wait for February of 2008. They have to give me my fix. I think that they said something about doing some “minisodes” this summer. I have no fucking clue what a “minisode” is, but if it has anything to do with Lost, I’m going to eat that shit up like Charlie gums heroin.

Thanks for all of your hard work this season, Dave. I hope that you’ll return for “Lost Bloggin’” (and the Weekly, for that matter) next year when you have time again.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Weekly Mog: Friday, June 15, 2007

Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears. I, 1/2 Man 1/2 Am-Asian, regrettably will be hanging it up at The Weekly Mog. Due to time constraints, I no longer feel that I can put forth the necessary effort for mediocre satire. To both of you guys who have read The Weekly, I hope you've enjoyed my stuff; it's been fun looking for humor in the sports world because, frankly, there's a hell of a lot of it out there. Keep checking back with the good folks at BlogMogger.

In Mog We Trust,


LeBron Names New Son Bryce Maximus Scarface Corleone Van Damme James

STUDY: Impossible is in fact Something

Upcoming Michael Phelps Playgirl Spread “Just a Business Decision”

REPORT: NBA Finals May Have Happened

Oakland A’s Invite Selves to Play Game at AT&T Park
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – During an unsolicited telephone call from Oakland front-office representatives, the A’s self-invited themselves to play a four game series against the San Francisco Giants.

The Giants, who play at AT&T Park, were befuddled by the call.

“What’s going on?” asked A’s director of scouting Donald Bellman while audibly crunching on tortilla chips. “I’m just chillin’ for the weekend. Might even skip some of those lame meetings with east coast scouts early next week. You know how it goes. You got any plans? I could totally hang if you’re down.”

“Tostitos are awesome”: added Bellman after a protracted yawn.

Sources close to the Giants organization have identified AT&T Park’s plush amenities and cable TV as the primary reasons for Oakland’s proposal.

Barry Melrose Still Hanging Around ESPN Studio
BRISTOL, CT – Despite sagging interest in hockey in the United States, former NHL coach and current analyst Barry Melrose was allegedly seen lingering around ESPN’s Bristol studios.

“What’s on tap for tonight, guys?” said Melrose to several ESPN employees. “How about those NBA playoffs? Those guys sure can jump high!”

Most ESPN employees interviewed were unsure of who “that slick-looking fella” was or what he was doing inside the studio.

“I think maybe I’ve seen him around before but I can’t be sure,” said NFL staff researcher Aaron Duff. “The uncomfortable suit, the manicured goatee, and the greased up hair, yeah, I think he’s been around for awhile.”

Added Duff: “I think I just described every one of Skip Bayless’, uh, man-friends though.”

Many who know Melrose claim he is trying to reinvent himself as a sports anchor for the Worldwide Leader.

“Let me just throw some thing your way, ok?” Melrose told a distracted Chris Berman. “Here, here, I could be like, ‘LeBron James? After those games, it’s more like LeBron Lame!’ Right?”

“‘Lame!’”: added Melrose several moments of silence.

ESPN officials have held off from confirming or denying whether they would consider increasing Melrose’s role with the network. Melrose, however, has reportedly remained persistent by giving out mix tapes of his “all-time killer” alternative rock to various ESPN employees.

Yankees, Red Sox to Give Rivalry One More Shot
BOSTON, MA – With the Yankees showing a “new commitment to improving themselves” according to Red Sox officials, New York and Boston will try to revitalize their once sizzling rivalry.

“Sometime you just have to move on,” said Boston manager Terry Francona. “We’re not the same team we were ten years ago, we’ve finally figured out our priorities. The Yankees just weren’t good for us anymore so we had to move on.”

Just a few weeks ago, the Yankees were slumping and had “hit rock-bottom.”

“It was a wake-up call,” shortstop Derek Jeter told reporters regarding New York’s disappointing start to the season. “We thought we had it all but what does it mean if you don’t have a meaningful relationship with a same-division team?”

Representatives from the Red Sox have stated that they are optimistic that the Yankees have “finally turned things around” although they will proceed with caution.

“[New York] needs to show us they’re committed to this relationship,” Francona continued. “I don’t think I can take another incident of Johnny [Damon] drunk-dialing me at 3:00 AM claiming he ‘totally screwed up.’”

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What to Watch this Summer: The Larry Sanders Show

Now that “Lost” has officially taken a hiatus for six more months, I’ve found myself with a lot of free time, and not a lot to watch on t.v. Well, at least not a lot to watch on t.v. I’ll tell ya, after about a month of working every day, I don’t know how you people that work for a living do it. I’m drinking more coffee than fucking Juan Valdez right now, and I still can barely make it to 3 pm without just staring into space for a decent amount of time. At any rate, because people need stuff to watch this summer in lieu of everything except “Hell’s Kitchen,” here is the first in a series of a few favorites from the old DVD library that you can rent from Blockbuster, or put on your “Internet-flix” list, or whatever the kids are doing these days.

My brother and I first encountered “The Larry Sanders Show” when it was initially in re-runs on HBO Comedy back when we were in high school. Even back then, we thought it was a hilarious show, with absolute tour de force performances by the show’s three main characters: insecure late night talk show host Larry Sanders (Gary Shandling), his dumb-ass former cruise director sidekick Hank (Jeffrey Tambor), and his always charming-but-even-more-of-an-asshole producer Artie (Rip Torn).

Unfortunately, just as we were really starting to get into the show, HBO entered into an ill-advised and apparently highly restrictive syndication agreement with the USA Network, which showed the show for about two weeks before realizing that without the original unedited dialogue, the show was practically worthless, and promptly pulled the plug. The worst part is that, until recently, the first season was the only one on DVD. I mean, not that you shouldn’t watch the first season in its entirety—it’s just that if you wanted to watch Larry Sanders, those were pretty much the only episodes that weren’t either sitting in USA’s vault gathering dust or playing on a constant loop throughout Gary Shandling’s house. That is, until now.

After you watch season one, if season 2 isn’t out yet, go ahead and pick up “The Best of Larry Sanders.” It is hilarious—filled with many of the best shows that they made. My favorite is the one entitled “Hank’s Big Night”—just make sure that you watch enough of the series beforehand so that you get Hank’s character’s whole deal. Along with the excellent episodes, there are a host of interviews of cast members, along with Shandling’s own interviews with a wide variety of celebrities, half of which involve him getting into macho dick-measuring contests (like with Alec Baldwin), and the other half involving him realizing what an asshole he was when the show was being filmed (like with Sharon Stone). Just really, really good stuff.

So if you’re getting bored with the shit that they’re otherwise playing on t.v., go out and rent Larry Sanders Seasons 1 & 2, and then graduate on to The Best of Larry Sanders. You won’t be disappointed, and even if you are, fuck you—what are you going to do about it?

Until next time…


Comments? Questions? Thoughts? Want us to make a clebrity appearance at your birthday/wedding/bar mitzvah/bris? E-mail the Blogmogger team at

Friday, June 08, 2007

The Weekly Mog: Friday, June 8, 2007


Daunte Culpepper: “Can’t I Just Go Back to Throwing to Randy Moss?”

Curt Schilling Somehow Attributes Loss of No-Hitter to Steroids

Zambrano Inks Lucrative 3-Fight UFC Deal

Ichiro: “You Definitely Can Control Us”
SEATTLE, WA – Speaking about the cultural differences among ethnic groups in Major League Baseball, Mariners all-star right-fielder Ichiro Suzuki said that Asian players are among the most docile and malleable.

“It is with great honor that I represent Asian players in this discussion that is worthy of praise,” Suzuki told GQ through a translator. “Players from Hyogo Prefecture must be grateful for the privilege to engage in illustrious competitive events. Dishonor is the gravest shame of the undisciplined competitor.”

Although Red Sox pitchers Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima were present for the interview, GQ was unable to secure comment from either as they had their heads bowed and conspicuously kept their statures shorter than Suzuki’s.

Nike Unveils New “Let’s Just Assume LeBron Wins the Title” Ad Campaign
CLEVELAND, OH – After a strong following of its “We Are All Witnesses” advertising, athletic apparel superpower Nike has unveiled its newest campaign for LeBron James that simply states “Let’s Just Assume LeBron Wins the Title.”

“Any incisive ad campaign is really just common sense at work,” Nike spokesman Todd Duff told reporters before Wednesday’s introduction of the new promotion. “Of course, the ethos of our “Witness” campaign was the concept that, as spectators, we knew we were seeing something truly historic in LeBron’s convincing playoff run through the Eastern Conference. Now, we’re saying that we’re pretty sure LeBron’s going to win the championship no problem so there’s no need to watch the series.”

Representatives for James have confirmed that this was a collaboration between the all-star guard and Nike ad gurus.

“You saw him tear through the Pistons, right?” said James’ manager Anthony Fargas. “‘Oh, what about the Spurs? They’ve got Tim Duncan and that South American guy’s pretty good, right?’ Don’t worry about that, ok! We got that! I don’t think I’m going out on limb here when I say that it’s pretty much most definitely in the bag, so don’t worry about the games, ok?”

Powerade, another James endorsement, is slated to release a simultaneous ad campaign of its own entitled “Don't Worry About the Games, Why Don’t You Just Catch Some Sweet LeBron Dunks on SportsCenter’s Top 10?”

Billy Donovan to University of Flordia: “Orlando Meant Nothing to Me”
GAINESVILLE, FL – After sneaking out of his parents house late Thursday night, Billy Donovan surreptitiously tiptoed into the backyard of University of Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley.

After several attempts to rouse Foley from slumber by clanging pebbles off of his second floor bedroom window, Donovan finally coaxed Foley to come to the window to investigate what was causing the noise.

“Billy! Do you have any idea what time it is?” said a visibly frustrated Foley in a hushed but stern whisper. “[Florida president] Bernard [Machen] is just down the hall! If he hears anything he’s going to kill me!”

Donovan, impassioned by the groundswell of support the Gator’s faithful exhibited during his brief “fling” with the Orlando Magic, was reportedly undeterred.

“It’s always been about you,” confessed Donovan. “That thing with Orlando didn’t mean a damn thing. God, I’m so stupid! I love you.”

“I love you, ok?”: added Donovan.

Foley reportedly blushed before telling Donovan that it was unprofessional to discuss intimate matters in such an open forum, but not before Donovan had persuaded Foley to “let [Donovan] see [him].” Donovan is rumored to have scheduled a sit-down with Foley at a Gainesville-area Cheesecake Factory to discuss the terms of his new contract with the Gators.

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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Quick Reviews (No Spoilers)

Here are a few quick takes on movies, ranging from the recent to the not-so-recent if you're looking for shit to rent this summer:

Knocked Up: B. Grant liked it more than I did, for sure. It is definitely a funny movie, and if you like "40-Year-Old Virgin" even a little, you should absolutely see it. That said, it was a little too serious in parts, dragged towards the end (can any Judd Apatow movie escape this fate?) and conclusively demonstrates that women can be way too crazy at times. Good flick, but not nearly as good as 40-Year Old.

Rookie of the Year: B-. This was on cable the other day, so I took a look again. A great movie for replay value, but so outrageous with regard to its baseball aspects that it loses a lot. It's really only worth watching to create your own commentary. The best line of the film, by far, is when the Cubs are, for some reason, on a commercial flight, and Gary Busey tells young Henry Rowengartner "Best Salisbury steak I ever had!" Just high comedy.

Superman Returns: D+. The first time I watched it, I thought it was a B. After seeing it again, how terrible Kate Bosworth is in it, and how Spacey mails it in the whole time, even Brandon Routh's solid performance can't save this one. Terrible.

Shrek 2: D-. Grant and I saw this one in theaters with our buddy Eric because the first one was enjoyable enough. I laughed maybe twice during the whole fucking thing. It was awful. Needless to say, I'm not seeing the third one.

A Clockwork Orange: B+. Good flick. Says a decent amount about society. If you haven't seen it, I would highly recommend it.

The Prestige:
B. Jamie thought it had a few too many twists. I like that type of thing. It will keep you guessing. Also, Scarlett Johansson is in it, so it automatically goes up a half grade.

We'll get more up this week, I promise.


Friday, June 01, 2007

The Weekly Mog: Friday, June 1, 2007


A-Rod Out 6 Weeks After Receiving Two Titty-Twisters, Swirly From Toronto Players

EXCLUSIVE: Paul Kariya Does Some “Crazy Spider-Looking Shit With Weights” in Hawaiian Hotel Fitness Facility

Kobe Names Only One City on His Trade List: Denver or Else

LeBron James Probably Still Inadequate in Some Way

Yankees, Cardinals Commiserate Over Pints of Ben & Jerry’s
BRONX, NY – Citing “all these flipping expectations” as the primary reason for the meeting, officials from the Yankees and the Cardinals expressed mutual sympathy about this season’s shortcomings over generous helpings of ice cream.

After noticing that the Yankees are 13.5 games out of first place in the AL East, Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty phoned New York officials “just to see how they are holding up.”

Representatives from New York and St. Louis convened at a Yankee apartment later that evening. All those in attendance were instructed to wear sweatpants and tank tops.

“God, this ice cream is sooooo good,” Yankees GM Brian Cashman told Jocketty. “You know something? Who needs first place in the division anyway? No one, that’s who.”

“You’re totally right,” replied Jocketty. “I can’t believe I ever even thought the Brewers were worth chasing.”

Added Jocketty: “I’m so over the playoff race.”

Later that night, the Yankees and Cardinals vowed that neither would watch this season’s playoffs and would instead spend the month of October getting their realtor licenses.

Hollywood Experts Fear Anaheim Merely Two Wins From Another “Mighty Ducks” Sequel
ANAHEIM, CA – Entertainment insiders have expressed serious concern that the Anaheim Ducks may try to parlay a Stanley Cup victory into another installment of the Mighty Ducks franchise.

“This is a devastating possibility,” said producer Rick Lakowski. “Sure, the first movie was fine. But just take a minute to think about what would happen if you had to sit through another 90 minutes of pretending that the answer to a struggling hockey team is a bunch of kids from the inner-city that play roller hockey.”

Added Lakowski: “Wasn’t there something called the ‘knuckle-puck’ in the second movie? Oh God.”

Not all reports have suggested that a sequel would be undesirable.

“This is exactly what Hollywood and the NHL need,” said screenwriter Paul McCormick. “Picture this: The Ducks are struggling to find their way during a long, arduous NHL season. Along comes Emilio Estevez with a ragtag group of irreverent kids and, voila, they win the Stanley Cup. This practically writes itself.”

While early reports have given conflicting results, The Weekly Mog has not been able to determine if Emilio Estevez is in fact still alive.

Former Thespian Way Too Intense About Ultimate Frisbee
PORTLAND, OR – Local ultimate frisbee participant Charles Halworth is far too passionate about his newfound athletic interest, reported coworkers and friends.

Halworth, who spent the majority of his time in high school and undergraduate college with the respective drama clubs, has apparently redirected his focus to the new sport.

“This is as intense as it gets,” said Halworth, who had never previously been involved in athletic competition save a single foray into squash in 1999. “Once I get on that field, it’s like something just comes out of me. I guess you could call it the killer instinct. Either way, you don’t want to be between me and the disc once I lock in.”

“If you can catch me”: added Halworth.

Halworth, ordinarily socially awkward and cynical to mainstream sports, has become unexpectedly serious about the fringe sport, much to the confusion of his peers.

“I guess I’m just a little baffled about where this athletic bravado came from,” said Gene Haskins, a friend of Halworth and fellow Whole Foods employee. “There have definitely been a bunch of times when I’ve tried to watch a game of football and he’s walked in the room and rolled his eyes. I think he called me ‘brutish’ once which was pretty lame, especially after I caught him with his shirt up so he could check out his abs in the staff bathroom the other week.”

“He always described high school sports as ‘lewd’; I don’t even know what that means, come to think of it”: added Haskins.

The Weekly Mog was able to observe one of Halworth’s ultimate frisbee – referred to as simply “ultimate” to most participants – matches.

“Did you guys catch me when I totally laid out for the disc?” asked Halworth. “Damn, I was killing it out there.”

As of press time, Weekly Mog researchers have been unable to determine what Halworth meant when he referred to himself as the “Derek Jacobi” of ultimate frisbee.

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