Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Work Pastry Hierarchy

Being out in the working world for a change, I've found that several things are quite a bit different than regular (non-work) life. For example, if someone offers me a donut at school, I think whether or not I'm hungry, then accept or decline as necessary. However, if somebody offers me a donut at work, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Decline so that I have to keep working for another 15 minutes? Of course, I'm going to eat the fuck out of that donut, no matter how stuffed I am. I could be Joey Chestnut after the Nathan's hot dog contest and I'd still force that fucker down.

The problem is, people generally bring baked goods into work to kiss ass. I mean, I've seen enough people trying to endear themselves to a group of people at work to know what the fuck is really going on. Then, I noticed that certain people buy store bought shit and bring it in, while others take the time and effort to make their own baked goods, hence displaying another level of dedication in the process. This led me to lay out what I like to call the "Work Pastry Hierarchy." Basically, what it does is rank how much people care about sucking up by the quality of baked goods that they bring in. First, a couple of ground rules:

-Anything homemade automatically advances one level, and potentially two. If you're a good baker, then it could be two levels, but for the sake of this exercise, let's say one. It makes it much easier for me.

-Anything with icing automatically advances two levels, and potentially three. Hence homemeade muffins + icing= homemade cupcakes. Cookies + icing = delicious. Icing makes everything better.

Onto the rankings...

1. Bagels

-The ultimate cop out, bagels are for the person who thinks that they're doing everyone else in the office a favor by not bringing in sweets. Well, guess what, asshole? With the amount of bread in one of those fuckers combined with the cream cheese you invariably put on it, you're probably doing more damage to your body with one of these guys than with, say, a donut or cake. Get off your fucking high horse and join the rest of us.

2. Muffins

-Better than bagels, by a lot. Muffins can be very good (Blueberry, Chocolate) or very bad (cranberry, apple). The wide variety in quality among store bought muffins leads them to occupy the second spot in the hierarchy.

3. Donuts

-Donuts go here because of the two-level icing rule. If you can make your own donuts, then bravo, you gain a level. However, for the rest of us, donuts are the ultimate lazy person pastry item. You think anyone who brings in donuts to the office isn't getting ahead in life? Unless you're working for Richard Simmons, you'll be fine.

4. Cookies

-I was originally going to put cookies below donuts. However, I then thought about how either:

a. most people are kind enough to bake cookies themselves, or

b. there's really not much variance in quality between baked cookies and store bought ones, especially those crazy motherfuckers with icing. Goddamn they're good!

-I do have to say, though, those cookies in a can that you just have to cut with a knife and shove in the oven are only a half-step above bagels, you lazy asshole.

5. Cupcakes

-Uh, what is there to say about them other than they're fucking delicious. Store bought or homemade, they are the first truly "impressive" work-related baked good. Anyone who brings in cupcakes takes their fucking job seriously.

6. Cookie Cake

-Especially the Mrs. Fields variety. Mrs. Fields stores often have Icee machines, so I find myself going there quite often. Every time, though, I'm always a half second away from getting one of those delicious looking pieces of cookie cake. For some reason, they just evoke memories of first grade birthday parties, even if my grade school won't let anyone bring in anything other than fruit now for people's birthdays because they're a bunch of commies. And they wonder why I don't give them any money for annual giving...

7. Cake

-My God. Cake is the best thing ever. It requires even a little extra because you have to bring in forks, plates, etc. Unless you just say "Fuck it" and let people dig in with their hands and throw it all over the place--then that's even cooler. Man, there's only one thing that could be better than cake, and that's...

8. ICE CREAM CAKE

-Oh boy. In addition to the extra planning required for cake, it also requires a refrigerator or cooler with ice for the day. Extra points for every hour you let it go during the day before serving to show that you "don't really give a fuck" (wink, wink). Ice cream cake is not for the pastry novice, and should only be left to those who are veterans in the art of bringing sweets to the office. In other words, don't stop by Einstein Bros. for some bagels one day and think that you're hot enough shit to handle ice cream cake the next.

That's about it. If you disagree, I'd love to hear why the fuck you're so smart.

Questions? Comments? Dumb, asshole remarks? E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Stream of Consciousness

I know, I know, now that Dave stopped writing the weekly, it’s been a long time since anybody posted. All I can say is we’ve all been busy. Very busy. It’s amazing that I even have time to type this out really quickly here. Since I couldn’t come up with anything to really write about, I thought that I’d just do some quick “stream of consciousness” stuff.

-The more and more I think about it, the more I’m leaning toward getting a Wii. Sure, it’s a little childish. Hell, the name sounds like something that a five-year-old girl screams as she starts to go too high on a swing set. Still, all I hear are good things about it. Meanwhile, Sony just had to cut the price on PS3’s because nobody was buying them. It almost makes me glad that we didn’t get one that fateful night last fall. Almost…

-Paul Kariya actually signed with the Blues. I’d like to think that Grant and I had something to do with that. Seriously, though, it’s a great move by the ‘Note, as hockey is finally relevant again here in St. Louis. I think season ticket orders doubled, all the way to about 48 total. I’m telling you, you guys don’t know what you’re missing on this Lee Stempniak kid. He is going to be one of the greats.

-The toughest thing about work: public bathroom etiquette. How do you deal with the chatty guy at the urinal? The guy who is clearly text messaging/fielding calls from inside one of the stalls? The guy who doesn’t wash his hands? These are life’s major dilemmas.

-Quick movie review: Ratatouille is a good flick. Solid A-. I think it’s the best Pixar flick yet—and this is coming from a guy who hated Cars.

-Life without Lost is tough. There’s really nothing to get me through the first part of the week right now. Wednesday is just…Wednesday. And I have to wait until February for new eps? Ugh.

-The Cardinals are awful. I wish they’d just throw in the damned towel already and sell off all of their overpaid vets. I also love how they’re making me look like an ass from my team preview. I think pretty much the opposite has been true of everything I wrote in there. Just goes to show you, even the greats can be wrong sometimes.

-Has there ever been a worse media-savvy athlete than A-Rod? I mean, he’s the only guy who could get caught with a stray, kind-of-chubby stripper and get shit for it. Jesus, I’m sure Derek Jeter fucks a different supermodel or actress every night and he doesn’t get shit for it. And I don’t buy the whole “A-Rod’s married so it’s a bigger story” stuff, either. Jeter just plays it cool, so the media stays off his ass. It’s like that HBO movie 61*, only Jeter is Mantle (cool guy, likes to have fun, has fun with the press, comes through in the clutch) and A Rod is Maris (stiff guy, tells the press to fuck off, which just goads them on, does some…err…questionable stuff on and of the field). I think it’s a pretty good analogy.

-ESPN is the worst with this Who’s Now bullshit. Yikes. Like I give a fuck about any of these fake matchups. It’s like someone’s girlfriend who knows nothing about sports was hired over there, and thought, “Man, these guys really like that March Madness. Oh, I know, let’s set up a tournament for an athlete popularity contest! Guys will love that!” The sad thing is, it’s probably better than any idea that Chris Connolly could come up with.

-Finally, this Mike Vick thing is out of control. Jesus, I can’t believe how terrible this shit is. The sad part is, a lot of these NFL guys don’t give a fuck. Can’t they find a better sport than dog fighting? Is that so thrilling that these guys “can’t stop gambling?” What ever happened to the good old days when they used to shave points and throw games for kicks? Jesus…

Questions? Comments? Pictures of attractive women in compromising situations? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com