Thursday, September 27, 2007

Let's Get Serious: Space Travel

You might think that space travel is an odd piece for the slowly-gaining-momentum “let’s get serious” series. I just listened to John Edwards spit out some interesting b.s. to uninteresting UNH kids on MTV, though, so I think I deserve a little leeway on this one.

As humans, it’s only natural to look for something that is larger than ourselves. Be it religion, a country, a cause, people have some need to find something else to define “who they are” or “what they stand for.”

For me, that something is space exploration. Sure NASA flushes money down the toilet like it’s Charmin, but just because the people in charge of the endeavor are fuck-ups doesn’t mean that it’s not a good endeavor. Think about it—it’s the only thing left that is truly larger than us. I mean, last time I checked, we’ve had (roughly) the same maps now for a couple centuries—we aren’t exactly finding anything new out there in the world. And don’t give me this Sea Quest bullshit about exploring the oceans—it’s the same shit down there, a few fish, maybe some nice-looking coral, a bunch of crazy shit that wants to eat me—I get the picture.

But space—I mean, THAT could really be something. Are there aliens? Who the fuck knows? All I know is that we won’t find out sitting around here, looking through telescopes until the motherfuckers either set down their flying saucers on the White House lawn or invade/kill/enslave us. There could be all kinds of crazy-ass shit out there that we can’t even imagine. Remember, this is space, son! It’s where stars formed out of nothing and where no one can hear you scream.

That’s why we need to fire the eggheads that run NASA, put a capable businessman in charge, and get to fucking Mars. It’s the next logical step. What else are we going to do, let these assholes take infrared pictures of asteroids for the 300,000,000th time? No, NASA was created to get us to the moon. Now, in the wake of Challenger and Columbia, people are too risk-averse to give a fuck. It’s fucking space travel. People are going to die. It’s like signing up for the army. The problem is, the general public doesn’t realize that astronauts see their job in the same vein, ready to make the same sacrifice that the armed services do—the ultimate sacrifice. THEY think that space travel is bigger than they are.

You might ask, “But D.J., why don’t you sign up for NASA?” Well, like a 50-year-old airline pilot, my vision is too bad to go to space, and they won’t let people with LASIK go up there yet. Still, if I could, I’d be one of the first ones to sign up.

I dunno. Just a thought.

Thoughts? Comments? Ready to label me as a crazy Tom Cruise-worshipping Scientologist (I’m not). E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Mailbag (9-15-07)

Friends of the Mog, it’s time for another edition of one of your favorite features: the mailbag. I will give the Bill Simmons disclaimer that these are actual e-mails from actual readers…or at least actual e-mails that we’ve received…

Dear Winner We happily announce to you the draw of the onlineMicrosoft Edition program held on 10th of SEPTEMBER 2007. Youre-mail address attached to ticket number: 56475600545188 with Serialnumber 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers:07-10-22-24-34-44. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of£1,000,000.00 pounds sterling obviously to be taken by you. To file for your claim, send yourFull names......Full Address.....Country.........Sex:.Age:......phone/fax..........Amount won:..........Occupation:....... To the claims agent immediately via email Name: Mrs. Helen ThomasonEmail:microsoftclaimsdept2007@yahoo.co.ukPhone: +44 70457 36856 Accept Our Hearty Congratulations.

Wow, this is un-fuckin-believable! I bought like $25 worth of Mega Millions tickets when the jackpot got up to like $350 million, but I win a lottery that I didn’t even enter that Microsoft is sponsoring? Amazing! What are the fucking odds? I mean, I knew Bill Gates was big into charity and shit, but this is really something. Here are my responses to your questions, Mrs. Thomason:

DJGel

Go fuck yourself

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Yes, please

That’s rude to ask

I prefer fax, but whatever works for you…

Uh, shouldn’t you know the amount won?

Professional Lottery Player

Hope this helps! I’ll be expecting that big check any day now…

HELLO Good day and Compliments, (FROM PRINCESS NAFI)
I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of
God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you
aboundantly and you would never regreat this.

I am a female student from University of Burkina-Faso,uagadougou. I am 25
yrs old. I'd like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented. I
will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about
you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if
you can be able to help me in this transaction.

Well, my father died earlier eight months ago and left I and my junior
brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over
sixteen years before his death.

I was a princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his
wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my mother is not
literate enough to know all my father's wealth. He left the sum of 12.350 us
dollars. (TWELVE MILLION THREE HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSANG )in a security
company.This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from Shell
petroleum development company(spdc)and chevron oil company operating in our
locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our
jurisdiction.
I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in
abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my
father and our family, which they were planning to do without my
present because I am a female as stated by our culture
in the town. Now,i urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from the
security company to your bank account, That is why I felt
happy when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that by the grace
of God, you will help me invest this money wisely.
I am ready to pay 20% of the total amount to you if you help us in this
transaction and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for
handling this transaction for us, which you will strongly have absolute
control over.
If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in
lifting this fund, kindly reach me.
Please, note that this transaction is 100% risk free and I hope to commence
the transaction as quick as possible, I will send you my photograph as soon
as I hear from you.

Yours sincerely,
(FROM PRINCESS NAFI)

“TWELVE MILLION THREE HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSANG!” Wow, that’s a lot of money! Listen, though, toots, I get requests from Princesses every day asking me to marry them and manage their money. It’s just a simple fact. There’s not enough of me to go around. Also, you mention that I’ll be compensated from a fund earmarked for “youth and community development” funded by Shell and Chevron. Well, as much as I’d love to steal money from a “youth and community development fund,” I think I’ll pass, you know, because the kids might be able to use a break there in Burkina Faso. Best of luck to you, though. If you would have said that a giant reptile had captured you, then I know an Italian plumber named Mario who would be more than happy to rescue you. Unfortunately, given your e-mail, I can only refer you to a bunch of my I-banking asshole friends. Sorry!

From The Desk Of Mr Hamza Kafando Bill And Exchange Manager Foreign Remittance Dept Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. West Africa Attention: Sir/Madam, I sourced your email from a human resource profile database in the chamber, my name is Mr. Hamza Kafando' an account officer to late Mr. Morris Thompson from America who is an oil merchant Agent here in ouagadougou burkina faso, a well known Philanthropist before he died. He made a Will stating that $15.5M(Fifteen million, five hundred thousand U.S. dollars only) should be given to an citizen of our choice overseas. I have made a random draw and your e-mail address was picked as the beneficiary to this Will. I am particularly interested in securing this money from the Bank because they have issued a notice instructing me been the account officer to produce the beneficiary of this before end of this 2007 else the money will be credited to the Government treasury as per law here. It is my utmost desire to execute the Will of my late client Mr. Morris Thompson since he is no more alive, both wife Thelma Thompson, and daughter Sheryl Thompson. Please for more details concerning him and how he died, you can visit this website: www.cnn.com/2000/US/02/01/alaska.airlines.list/ If you are interested, you are required to contact me immediately to start the documentation process with the help of a legal practitioner. I urge you to contact me immediately for further details bearing in mind that the Bank has given us a date limit, Please act fast. Contact me through my private E-mail : a_hamza777@yahoo.ca I await your urgent response. Mr. Hamza Kafando Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. West Africa


Hold on there, Hamza. I’m not a lawyer yet, and I dropped trusts and estates when the asshole professor stated that he “rigorously enforced the 80%-of-classes attendance requirement,” but I’m pretty sure that no one would come up with a will that said, “Pick a random foreigner’s e-mail address in a lottery and give all of my money away to them!” Haven’t you seen Brewster’s Millions? At least have a little fun with me before you give me the money. Tell me that I have to spend $30 million before getting $300 million, or something to that effect. I’ll do it. You obviously have no idea how much really high-end booze costs. I’ll drink that $30 mill in a night. Just give me the check. I fucking dare you. And finally…


From Mr.Victor Williams.

TELEPHONE:+668-310-99671

FAX NUMBER:668-310-99671

56/74 M.Thanawan, Phaholyothin52,

Bangkok, Thailand.





We are Diplomatic Corp that holds special and valuable consignments for reputable clients that are honest and trustworthy. We work in collaboration with top firms all over the world as we have earned a name as a service whose hallmarks in reliability and confidentiality are revered.



International missions, Diplomats, Embassies of the world have used our services to satisfaction. A benefactor has mandated me to get someone that can assist her and her family in retrieving her package containing some amount of money from a Diplomatic Corp in Thailand.



The benefactor and her children have been confined only to their country home and all their calls and movements are monitored, as a result,its absoultely impossible for them to do anything as regards retrieving the money. Their only means of communication is via internet and you are being contacted because your assistance is needed in claiming the funds on their behalf.



The amount was accrued from Diamond sales over a period of six years and its USD75M (Seventy Five Million U.S.Dollars). These funds are fully free of any liens, or encumbrances and are clean, clear and has no criminal origin.



The funds have nothing to do with any form of illegality and all documentations needed to prove the source of the funds were submitted when the funds were being deposited and these documents would prove the source of the funds and authenticate the fact that the funds are clean and has no links whatsoever with either drugs or terrorism.



For your assistance in this transaction,the benefactor and her Children have agreed to give you 30% of the total amount of money which is equivalent to US$22.5 Million (Twenty Two Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) and this role simply entails retrieving the funds on their behalf from the Diplomats in Thailand and all the information needed to claim the funds would be sent to you as soon as you indicate your interest in assisting them as well as providing the following information to facilitate the smooth conclusion of the transaction.



1) Your Full Name:

2) Your Address:

3) Your Telephone Number:

4) Your Fax Number:

5) Your Mobile Number:

6) The Name of the Closest Airport to your City of Residence:

7) Your Age:



I await your response Urgently.



Mr.Victor Williams.


First of all, I can barely understand what you’re asking for here. Somebody mailed a package to a woman and her children…which was actually a package containing $75 million? And somebody cares enough to monitor all of her activity so that she's scared to pick up the cash, yet I’ll be fine to pick up the money? I won’t be met by the fucking Thai FBI when I go to the airport to pick it up? I’ve seen Get Shorty, motherfucker! Oh, wait. The money is free of any liens or encumbrances, and is not criminal in origin? Oh, that's different then! Where do I sign up? Even though it’s not the closest airport to my residence, I’d like to fly out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, you know, just for the fuck of it. Is there a direct flight to Bangkok from there? Let me know!

Until next time...

DJGel

Questions? Comments? Want to see a far more entertaining actual mailbag? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Ankiel's Legacy Untarnished

Today the "New York Daily News" reports that Rick Ankiel received a year's supply of HGH in 2004. Naturally certain members of the media are acting like this evidence taints Ankiel's impressive comeback to the MLB. Like sportswriters always do, they are trying to make a big deal about the whole thing and ESPN will probably give every MLB analyst five minutes on Sportscenter to talk about their opinions on the situation. My question is, what is there to talk about? All the reports show that Ankiel got the HGH in 2004 (via prescription) and stopped using it in 2005, ALL BEFORE IT WAS A BANNED SUBSTANCE BY THE MLB. He did nothing wrong. You can't get pissed at him for doing something that was in no way illegal. If you are against the use of HGH get mad at Bud Selig, not Rick Ankiel. Selig is the idiot who remained oblivious to any kind of drug testing for so long. What is the next "breaking news story" going to be on ESPN.com, that Peyton Manning went to the grocery store and didn't steal a candy bar? Has anyone ever heard of ex post facto laws? You can't be guilty of a crime if there wasn't a law against it at the time. This is like getting angry at a co-worker for using diet pills. We all know that more physically attractive people have a better chance at getting promoted, and diet pills can help change your body to look more physically appealing. I'm also pretty goddamn sure that diet pills aren't a banned substance at many companies. I'm also pretty goddamn sure that if you got pissed at one of your co-workers for using diet pills, you're a total moron. So in closing, ESPN will get some extra hits on their website and I will continue to cheer Ankiel in the exact same way as I did before this "breaking news story".