Sunday, December 21, 2008

"Jimmy McNulty throws like a girl."

I know the series ended like a year or two ago, but I’ve recently begun watching the wire on DVD. I've fallen into the new of renting series on DVD. With the series on DVD you can start from the begging and watch straight through. You can watch a season in a week or two. If been drawn to the hbo series since I’ve never had it. I’ve been swimming through series such as the entourage, rome, and deadwood. They have all pleased.

My most recent venture is The Wire. Season One was quite good and got me hooked. Season Two was a bit of a letdown, but there was enough character development to keep me in.
How about that cheesiness factor when the whole detail got back together. Everyone in one room laughing and reminiscing with a token guy stand on a stoll in a "cool" pose. That was Cheeeeeeeese.

Anyways that is away from the point, I’m writing about McNulty. Jimmy MuNulty. He is the character we have all grown to love. The character I myself, have come to idolize. He is the alcoholic, doesn't give a damn about the rules, tail chasing (and quite successful), dective of the Baltimore City Police Department (I think he is Irish but looks more hispanic if you ask me).

He is the Best!

Then comes season 3 episode 6. Aka, McNulty Throws Like a Girl. The scene starts with him and a Major (higher rank), whom he is rubbing off on. The Major sees a younger version of himself in him. There they are They ar drinking outside right outside the police station in direct violation of the rules. McNulty has just finished one off and prepares to throw the empty on top of the roof (another big no no). The act that occurs next is one of the worst moments in teleivision. The deidolization of your hero. McNulty's tosses the can atop the roof only HE THROWS IT LIKE A GIRL, an 11 year old, never played softball, girly girl. This, my friends, was a major let down. The guy I had come to idolize, who I had embraced. I can now only see as an actor with a weak arm. Didn’t your dad enroll you in little league. That is still a rite of passage for a boy. Right? Instead of Pops signing his sissy son up for little league i now have a wuss actor that has fooled me into the greatness of McNulty. The guy is simply some drama club nerd that is a damn fine actor. At least until the having to throw debacle. I am disgusted.

See you next Tuesday McNulty. See you next Tuesday.

Big Baby

Monday, December 08, 2008

Jedi Master Kenny Williams

IF YOU CLICK ON THE TITLE YOU CAN LOOK AT THE TRADE HISTORY OF KENNY WILLIAMS.

I am a baseball fan first and foremost, and with the winter meetings starting, I probably scan the baseball pages of ESPN a little more closely than the average fan. The one thing I’ve begun to notice is that White Sox’s GM Kenny Williams pulls off some incredible deals (check link in title). I’m starting to think the guy must have the Jedi mind trick. The most recent example to support this hypothesis was on ESPN rumor central today. Master Williams may have convinced Walt Jocketty of a deal involving Jermaine Dye for Homer Bailey straight up. Dye is a past his prime slugger ala Ken Griffey Jr. like he was for most of his time in Cincinnati. Really Walt, you just got done unloading Griffey for nothing and you want to add another big contract for an aging past his prime slugger. Come on, there is no way this deal should happen like this. Anyways, if it does, here is how I imagine it went down:

KW: Hey Walt, how are things going down there.

WJ: Well Kenny, I think I may have gotten myself in my over my head. This Reds organization is terrible. All the fans talk about is how great Joe Morgan is as a player and as a color guy. I mean, come on, that guy needs to pull the stick out of his a**. Whupp-te-doo your in the Hall of Fame as a second basemen. That means your one of the best at the position where they stick guys who can’t throw and have no pop in their bat. Sorry Kenny, I’m rambling, you don’t want to hear my sorrows. Oh, and thanks again for taking Griffey off my hands. What did you want to talk about?

KW: Well, I just wanted to let you know I’m shopping Jermaine Dye around and thought you should be the first to know.

WJ: Humm. Well he did hit 30+ homers and almost 100 RBIs, and we just cleared out one of our outfield spots, again thanks for the Griffey deal. Dye or Hopper…

KW: Well, I’d be willing to part with him for say… How about Homer Bailey.

WJ: Whoa, I know he was pretty bad this year, but come on he is only 22. He can still develop. He was a number one pick.

KW: Dye for Bailey will be just fine. The only way he will improve is from a change of scenery.

WJ: Well, I guess his numbers were pretty bad, maybe a change of scenery would be best for him. I guess if you guys where to add some cash to offset the salary differences. I mean we did split the Griffey salary and buyout with you.

KW: Naw, Dye for Bailey straight up will be fine. The more I think about it WE really should be getting another prospect from you guys. I mean Dye is an All-star. But I can live with just getting Bailey.

WJ: OK, OK, Dye for Bailey sounds good Kenny. I’ll get my people working on the details; see you in Las Vegas to finalize. Let’s meet up at the Bunny Ranch.

KW: Sounds good Walt. I’ll be expecting you to foot the bill?

WJ: Whoa. Who said that? Those girls can be expensive.

KW: Walt, clam down. You will pay for my tryst and book Isabella Soprano for me.

WJ: I will pay for your tryst and book Isabella Soprano for you.

KW: Great see you then. Kenny Williams Out.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Lost Bloggin': Season 4 Recap

It only took me 6 months, but I'm finally putting up the Lost Bloggin' 1/2 Man 1/2 Am-Asian and I did right after the Season 4 Finale in the spring. Why now? Well, the promos are already starting, and I'm getting a little stir-crazy here waiting for 1-21-09. Also, I had this in the can, and I didn't feel like writing a whole new column. Rest assured, we'll be back for a Season 5 preview here at some point. Until then, enjoy. -DJGel

DJGel: Well, Dave, first of all, I have to say, damned glad to have you back. As you can see, we mad a couple of changes while you were gone—we subbed in another half-Asian American for you, but he apparently only writes hockey columns, so it was good to hear that you would be interested in a return to blogging.


That said, there was a lot that went on here over the course of Season 4 of Lost. We found out about the time-distorting nature of the island, what the fuck a constant is, and, perhaps most importantly, what a sensitive, tender lover Goodwin was, and how creepy and…err… “fabulous” Ben Linus can be in courting a girl. Instead of doing the traditional recap, followed by thoughts, I thought I would ditch the recap, since it would probably be around 5,000 words, and just go right into a dialogue with regard to some of my favorite theories going forward, and we can also deal with some of your ideas as we get to them. Let’s begin:


Favorite Overall Theory:


DJGel: The island is an ancient Alien spaceship that, through the years, has become an actual geographic island. I know this one is gaining steam on some of the message boards out there, but think about it for a second—how else would the fucking thing be able to move through space (and time?) like it does? If this is true, it begs the question as to why these aliens would use wooden machinery and weird hieroglyphics. I guess the best thing I can come up with is it is some ancient civilization’s attempt to control whatever weird alien technology they found. Then again, it could just be that this civilization just really had their shit together. What do you think?


½ Man: Well, I certainly think this has as much traction as the various TV and movie plots that suggest an ancient alien civilization helped create the Egyptian pyramids. Whether the island is a “spaceship” per se is debatable, but after Ben broke through to the snowy cave it seems safe to say that something lurks beneath the island’s tropical surface. Not to get too facetious with this theory, but wouldn’t it be great if this was all part of the new Scientology agenda in Hollywood. Now, I know very little about the Church of the Latter-day Tom Cruises but I think there’s something about a spaceship being brought to earth by some overlord named Xenu (Jacob?) whereupon he kills all of earth’s original inhabitants (the original islanders). The spirits of those killed continue to influence the living. There’s probably an allegory for Lost in there somewhere. I think we could do worse than a series finale of knowing John Travolta – a notable Scientologist and aviation enthusiast – piloting another Oceanic flight with a new batch of doe-eyed Losties into the Bermuda Triangle that surrounds the recently-moved island. Wait, what?



The Smoke Monster:


DJGel: Somehow, I think it ties into the whole alien thing. It probably is what has sort of become Jack’s Alcoholic Father on the island, but it also might just be Ben’s big watchdog. Maybe Ben “sets it loose” on certain people who aren’t looking out for the island’s best interests or some shit like that. Of course, I’m talking about Mr. Eko. I guess that’s the one hole in my theory—why did the thing kill Eko and the Pilot if it’s just out to protect the island from harm? Huh.


½ Man: If we run with the alien theory, I think you have to account for the “spiritual” side of the story, specifically Jacob and the way dead people seem to keep popping up. The Smoke Monster could be some sort of conglomerate of the spirits of people that come to the island – maybe they can’t leave the bubble that seems to encompass the island? – and can disperse and reform when needed. Obviously, Smokey has a mean streak which seems to coincide with either general protection of the island or when people have reached a sort of stasis; for example, Eko got killed after he had repented for his past deeds. And in case you didn’t notice, my Scientology theory is gaining credibility. I’m just sayin’.



Locke in the Coffin


DJGel: I really didn’t see this one coming—I think that most people expected it to be Michael or Ben, so I have to admit, when I heard that familiar creepy voice in the funeral parlor, I was brimming with anticipation. Either that or I really had to take a piss, I don’t know. I’m sorry that Locke is gone, and the more I think about it, it would be a huge cop-out to have a “oh look he’s back on the island so he’s alive now” moment, but they have to work him back in at some point, right? Even if it’s flashbacks or as a ghost like Jack’s Alcoholic Father.


½ Man: Locke has to be in flashbacks at some point; that’s all there is to it. Although everything is still shrouded in mystery, the style of Lost is pretty demonstrative. Obviously, Locke left the island and told the Oceanic 6 that they need to go back. He said that “bad stuff” was happening and we need to know how he left – could’ve been another wheel turn or by boat – and Lost always shows that stuff, an expository dialogue will not suffice. I’d like to think that Locke tries to rule the island benevolently but ultimately becomes another Ben as that is what’s required. Unfortunately, that also eventually requires another turn of the wheel. This theory raises its own problems, though; Ben said that he could not return to the island after turning the wheel yet he tells Jack that he needs to bring Locke back with him to the island. It didn’t seem like this would involve circumventing the island’s rules so one might deduce that Locke didn’t turn the wheel. Additionally, I think Sayid implied that Locke probably got murdered and Widmore or Ben are the only ones that come to mind that would do that. Why? I have no concrete idea but he’s done his share of dirty deeds to warrant a hit by either.


The “Bad Stuff” Happening Since the Island Moved


DJGel: A couple of theories on this one. One is that the time sickness is involved somehow. Recall that Ben said that the last time he had to move the island was like 15 years ago. Also recall that that’s right fter Rousseau landed on the island and her expedition members got “sick.” Until now, everybody thought that she was just a total fucking insane lunatic who killed her colleagues, and though that may be true, maybe they all got the time sickness from the last time Linus had to move the island. What would make this great is, because of all of the random, past interactions with other characters on the show, most of the characters could act as each others’ constants, if you will, which might add a nice wrinkle or two to the storyline.

The other theory is that the island goes back in the past 3 (or more) years, so that somehow the castaways that are left will see the plane crash again, and it’ll be revealed that future Sawyer, Juliet, and the gang were actually creeping around the island this entire time. An interesting theory, for some more reasons that will be mentioned in a paragraph or so.


½ Man: In one way or another, it goes without saying that time plays an important role in the mythology of Lost. Therefore, it seems reasonable to infer that a move in space also involves a move in time. (It’s almost as if space … and time … are intertwined. Hm.) Unfortunately, if Sawyer and the gang went back in time there could be a lot of problems because of the time traveling paradox; you know, if Sawyer kills himself then he wouldn’t be around to kill himself and so on. Then again, maybe that’s why multiple Sawyers are never seen together, because old Sawyer knows he cannot influence new Sawyer for fear of disrupting the time loop. This plot could be quite satisfying but has a huge risk for plot-holes.


Regarding the time sickness theory, I think that could be part of a larger idea that the island gets disrupted when it has to move. All types of wild, formally dormant shit starts happening. If there’s one thing we’ve learned so far it is that deviation from some otherworldly, preordained path is not met with a warm reception. I mean, if I were Xenu, I wouldn’t want people messing with the thetans. Or something.



Linus v. Widmore


DJGel: Is Widmore really the “bad” guy? Or is Ben just as “bad”? What are these two guys doing? At times, I like to think that they’re just playing a real-life version of Risk, with each of their agents (like Sayid) representing an “army,” if you will. The best part would be, it would have a “Trading Places”-esque frivolity to the whole thing—two really rich guys fucking with people’s lives just for the fuck of it. I don’t know—it’d be kind of cool.


½ Man: Clearly there is a human element to all of this. Ben says that Widmore “changed the rules” when his minion killed Alex and I can’t think of why he would say that unless they had some sort of understanding between them. There seems to be a Cain and Abel feel to this where Ben stayed with the island and tried to lead his people while Widmore maybe used the island’s power to gain power and wealth and now wants to control the island. Well, this comparison would work a lot better if Abel was as much of a ruthless prick as Cain. Anyway, Ben and Widmore seem to be cut from the same cloth but with different motivations.



The Faraday Problem


DJGel: What happened to Dan Faraday? Here’s my guess: he got sent into the past with the band of redshirts on the ferry—no more than three years in the past, though. Recall that ending in “The Constant” where his notebook says, “If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant.” Well, where is Desmond now? Way the fuck away from the island. But he is on the island in a “when” sense, for the previous three years. Thus if they all got sent back in time, Faraday would be able to find Desmond in the hatch and “re-anchor” himself. My only other shred of evidence was around the third viewing of the finale, Charlotte said something right as he was about to leave like, “See you when you get back,” and Faraday replied, “Yeah, when I get back.” It was kind of subtle, but I think it was intended to convey something like that. Also, I think there’s a good chance that the boat picks up a still-living Jin, who may have to go through a similar process.


½ Man: It could go either way but Desmond has to be his key to salvation. That could be not getting time sickness, anchoring himself in time, or just finding the island. It’s hard to imagine the show has enough time to devote to Faraday having his own unique, somewhat removed storyline so it seems logical that he will be back on the island in one way or another.


Miles, Charlotte, Others?


DJGel: I threw this one out there as a general catch-all for these people that we still don’t know too much about. I mean, for all of the focus on the Others in season 3, we still don’t really know what the fuck they do, other than traipsing around in the jungle, killing badass soldiers, and wearing mascara, to boot. Charlotte may have been a Dharma kid, and Miles is (I’m guessing) a personal favorite of yours, but what do they really bring to the table here?


½ Man: Unfortunately for me, my better half, as it were, does favor Miles. (I am who I am, deal with it!) However, I was a fan of this crazy-eyes Asian guy from when he did a turn as a crazy-eyes Asian guy on The Sopranos. Anyway, Miles seems to have some psychic abilities like when he could tell that Ben was bluffing about not being able to get him $3.2 million. He also seemed to sense Rousseau’s and Alex’s boyfriend’s bodies were buried when no one else did. I tend to think he and Charlotte were both Dharma kids who, like Locke, weren’t the chosen one but were gifted, especially when on the island. Maybe Locke, Miles, Charlotte, and others will form some kind of Justice League with their respective powers over the next seasons.



Going Forward?


DJGel: Two more seasons, and a lot of places to go still. There are tons of unanswered questions remaining, and not too much time to get to them. I think that season 5 is going to mirror 4 insomuch as it will have on-island flashbacks and off-island flash-forwards. I do think that the off-island stuff is going to have a bit of a Wizard of Oz feel to it, with Jack (predictably) playing the role of Dorothy with a great deal of panache. I hope to God they get back by the end of the year, since it’d be too boring and too filler-ish to stretch it out too much longer. I dunno. Thoughts?


½ Man: You’re right about the general style of season 5: Due to the show’s philosophy of show-not-tell, we have to see what got so goofed up on the island after the move and what really turned Jack so depressive. I imagine the next season involves Jack getting the rest of the 6 back to the island, although Jack’s the only one that wants to go back. I won’t prognosticate past this next season except that it’s all about Scientology.


DJGel: We shall see. Thanks Dave. Great stuff as always.


Questions? Comments? Think you're crazier than we are? E-mail the Blogmogger Team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sorry JSugar

I just noticed that I passed JSugar on total blogmogger posts. Most fans of the blog would probably think, "I guess JSugar moved on to something else. He's probably too busy being a lawyer to worry about writing for a lightly viewed blog." Logical theory that could fit if it wasn't entirely WRONG! I surmise that he has been sitting next to his computer, shivering in a cold sweat of writer's block for the past year. At best he struggles to keep his depression at bay for 50 hours a week so he can go into work and keep his job. But when he gets home its back to his own personal writer's block hell. Most likely he drinks heavily. At first he thought it might spark some "inspiration". But now it kills the pain just enough for him to make it through the day. By this point he probably has dressed up a mop and bucket and pretends it is his "wife". "I should have never left my last husband for you, JSugar! He would've came up with a statistical model for predicting NBA teams sucess and written ten columns by now! ARE YOU EVEN A MAN!??!?!?!"

Anyways, the important thing is to celebrate all the columns I wrote. That is why I drink heavily in celebration, and my "wife" treats me nice...real nice.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Assorted Musings 11/19/2008

Hey, I know it's been a while since I posted anything. So fucking sue me. The Unit and Big Baby have been doing quite an admirable job of filling in for the past couple of months, so I figured it was about time I came back for a post about...well...absolutely nothing, actually. Since Jamie doesn't post any more, I figure that I have a responsiblity to dish out some random bullshit in a column I like to call: ASSORTED MUSINGS!

-Fuck the U.S. car industry. I read somewhere that the Big 3 pay their workers (including benefits) $78/hour. Toyota in the states pays their workers like $38/hr including benefits. The article said that Chevy workers can make like $80,000 a year for installing a fucking steering wheel! I'm sorry, but that is insane. The worst part about the article was that these hoosiers had the gaul to comment on the article saying how much they deserved the $80,000 a year. Uh, fellas, I've got law school classmates making far less than that out of school. Just because you do a job the Japanese taught a robot to do for free ten years ago doesn't mean that you're forever entitled to sit there and drink beer and attach steering wheels. Unless you can attach a steering wheel better than a robot in this day and age, you're obsolete. Deal with it.

-Fuck sore loser Sarah Palin, too. I'm sick of her face. I know a bunch of Republicans act like she's fucking Marissa Miller or something, but let's be honest: she's a marginally attractive 40-something whose looks are made moot by her outrageous, borderline psychotic political views. Too bad Teddy Stevens lost his senate seat, lady. Otherwise you would've been able to get your mug on tv for another 6 years.

-Speaking of the election, I'm sure that the luctrative Blogmogger endorsement is what pushed Barack over the top. Now, Mr. President, I've got a back that needs scratching...

-I'm sick of guys who make the joke of when a guy with an extremely hairy midsection isn't wearing a shirt in the summer and they say something to the effect of, "Hey, man, aren't you hot with that sweater on?!?" I invented that bit in the spring of 2005 and it's played out, OK?

-I recently was able to secure a row of 3 seats on both legs on a roundtrip flight to see the girlfriend, while numerous other people on the flight sat packed in like sardines all around me. Was I a bit remorseful? Not even in the slightest.

-Mad Men is a good series. I'm through like 5 eps of season 1--good stuff. Things were a lot simpler in the 50s, weren't they?

-Apparently the Lost Season 4 trailer is out--not a chance in hell I'm watching it though. 1/2 Man 1/2 Am-Asian and I did a season 4 recap that I'll get around to posting one of these days, too...

-Pick Up Artist 2 is not as good as the original. These kids seem really dense most of the time, and don't remember anything Mystery tells them. What a shame Rian got kicked off this past week. I thought the kid was really hitting his stride. By the way, Mystery seems to have this obsession with guys' looks that is...well...a bit odd. Last season, every episode was, "Brady, you can't just get by on your looks..." Now, it seems like he has a giant hard-on for Greg. What the fuck, man?

-Finally, I used to think that I could watch Seinfeld episodes forever without getting bored. Recently, though, I've turned a corner. I just really am not that interested in them anymore. It's still obviously a great show, "very funny," as horrible comedian Frank Caliendo might say in a bad George W. Bush voice. I just go through these phases where it doesn't...how can I put this..."tickle my fancy" anymore. Wait, that came out a bit queer. Uh...hmm...it doesn't...ugh...really? I can't think of anything better than "tickle my fancy?" Is this some kind of fucked up joke? I AM A FUCKING WRITER! WORDS ARE THE IRON THAT I CRAFT INTO HORSESHOES!!!! I CAN'T DO BETTER THAN SOME DUMBASS OUTDATED FUCK-UP TERM!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCKKKKKK!!!!!!

Questions? Comments? Anybody reading any more? E-Mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pujols MVP Reaction Post

Well sportswriters you picked the right man for NL MVP this year. You really fucked it up in 2006, but you got it right this year. I wouldn't say that it redeems you for 2006, but...but nothing it really doesn't redeem you people at all. I'm just going to come right out and talk about the White Elephant in the room, PUJOLS SHOULD HAVE THREE MVPs! We all know it. Thanks for finally learning about On-Base and Slugging percentage. "Moneyball" came out like eight years ago and you finally figured it out. No sweat though, its only your job to know about that stuff. I mean I knew about it for eight years and everyone else that is a somewhat involved fan knew about it for eight years, but whatever its only your job.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Election Reaction

I know the election was a long time ago, but I just wanted to make a reaction post about it. Since I'm not making prediction posts for awhile, I have to settle for reaction posts. I'm already noticing that these reaction posts are way more boring. Instead of getting to make things up about events that haven't take place, I have to write about shit that's already happened. Why would anyone want to read about stuff that has already happened? Why would they care what I have to say about it? Well, shit...I guess there's really no need to write this thing. There goes five minutes of my life I'll never be getting back.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

World Series Reaction

Boy, that World Series was suprising. The Phillies sure made a fool out of me. It feels bad. I seemed like a sure thing with my predictions. The couple readers of Blogmogger may have bet large sums of money on the Rays. Maybe they even had a family to support and they figured they could do it with their World Series wager instead of having a real job, every man's dream. Who could blame them? Then I fucked it all up for them. Now they'll have to kill their families and become alchoholics. Sure, they could try to get a job or take out loans, but we all know in the end they will have to kill their family. Maybe Ronald Reagan wasn't responsible for all the homeless people, maybe its people like me who can sway the way people bet on professional sports. I guess we'll never know. I'll have to think long and hard before I start predicting the outcome of professional sporting events again. I guess I'll start getting drunk and watching "Two for the Money" until I learn my lesson.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

World Series Prediction

Did I just predict every series correctly? Yes it looks like I did. Shouldn't I work for ESPN, be a baseball analyst? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Those people are a bunch of phonies, who seek fame and then complain about how little money they make. I on the other hand make my predictions with plans to open up a psychic business that will make millions.

Anyways, could this World Series be more boring? We got Philadelphia the city that tries so hard to be the land of the deprived working class looking for its first championship in fifty years or whatever, how boring. "Please guys feel sorry for us the way you used to for Boston!!! PLEASE!!! SHOWER ME WITH PITY!!!! I AM OF PHILADELPHIA!!!!" I'm sorry no one cares generic Philadelphian. Unless you somehow get the baseball equivalent of the "Italian Stallion" (a guy who gets hit by innumerable baseballs yet always manages to get back on his feet), I don't care. You will never make people care, so go back to your construction jobs and talk amongst yourselves, Philadelphia. However, do keep making that show "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" I enjoy it.

Then we got Tampa Bay, more like Tampa...don't worry I'm not gonna go there. Just keeping you on your toes. But seriously, no one cares about Tampa Bay. The people that live there didn't even care about the team until the second round of the playoffs. I find that puzzling because Tampa Bay seems like its own self-sustaining community. You never hear anyone say, "I'm going to visit my relatives in Tampa Bay." No one goes in and no one comes out. So why can't the people already in find time to support the local sports team? What do they talk about at work or after work when they are grabbing a drink at the local pub? Is their only small talk about the weather? How boring. The rest of the country has TWO topics for small talk. The weather AND sports. GET WITH THE PROGRAM TAMPA!!!!

Now to the prediction. Tampa Bay will win and Philadelphia will secretly like it so they can continue to complain and whine about how they can't win the World Series anymore. They might even formulate blue-collar conspiracies about it, saying that the corporate fat cats are keeping the World Series from them. I'm not going to pick how many games each team will win because that is the only thing I get wrong and it makes me look bad to the potential investors in the psychic business.

In case you didn't want to read the whole column: TAMPA BAY WINS THE 2008 WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

CAM-PAIN '08: The Final Countdown

CamPAIN '08: The Final Countdown

Wooooo-weeeeee! It has been a long time since I posted anything. I guess that's what happens when you have a "real job" and have to worry about "going to bed early," and "getting up early," and "not smelling like cheap bourbon is pouring out of your pores." Huh. At least during this hiatus, some of the other contributors are stepping up, which is a refreshing change of pace.

If you haven't noticed, this is an election year. Yeah, you know, that lanky black guy and that mean-looking cylon? They're trying to become the next President.

I figured I was in a writing mood, so I'd check in with some random thoughts on how each campaign is doing right now.

McCain-Palin

-It's tough to remember a month and a half ago when these two bozos were running neck-and-neck with my main man Barry. If I'm not mistaken, right after the convention, McCain enjoyed a brief lead in the polls. Doesn't it seem like a year ago?

-At least the popular media turned on Sarah Palin like a teenage daughter forced into a quick marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy.

-Think about it: if not for the constant barrage the media put on Palin, McCain is playing a lot closer to even strength in those debates than he did. Granted, the "huge stock market meltdown/financial crisis" might have had something to do with that, but don't underestimate the "do we really want this person in charge if the old codger has a heart attack/catches whatever computer viruses cylons can catch? Can you imagine her going to a meeting with Vlad Putin? "What is this? Are they fucking serious? Couldn't they dig up anyone else? Is she some kind of peace offering? CAN ANYBODY FUCKING TELL ME WHAT SHE IS DOING HERE? ANYONE?"

-I mean, if these two won, you'd have the biggest pair of boobs in the White House since Marilyn Monroe.

-I still cannot get over the fact that McCain doesn't use e-mail or the internet. Somehow, I got on the same Obama e-mail list that Jamie did months ago, but the worst part about it by far is that I guess he had to disclose people on his mailing list to McCain's campaign, so now I get hard copy letters from "John McCain" all the time. Why I haven't made a column out of this yet, I do not know. All I know is, don't you even have somebody in your whole fucking campaign that can use the internet? Or is it all a bunch of 60-70 year old assholes who write letters on typewriters all day, like it's a fucking 60's newsroom?

-Maybe he is incredibly technologically-savvy, but he doesn't want to expose himself as the dirty cylon that he is.

-Tina Fey is uncanny as Palin. The first appearance she had as Palin on SNL, I was pretty bombed and happened to flip on NBC at the exact time she came on, and I thought aloud (in slurred speech) "Holy shit, is that PALIN! She's ALREADY on SNL? I guess the democrats are really FUCKED! I need a drink..."

-McCain's foreign policy seems outdated and shortsighted. Yeah, John, you've mentioned that Henry Kissinger is advising you a billion times. The only problem is, we aren't living in a bi-polar world anymore where you need to be worried about hegemony and how many nukes you have pointed at the other guy. It's like the Yankees bragging about having signed the world's best cricket player. Sure, they're both hitting balls, but that doesn't mean shit in the grand scheme of things.

-The Cold War rhetoric was out of control, too. I don't think people are scared of the Russians anymore, Johnny. They're doing their thing, and we're doing ours. He fails to mention that those Georgian provinces WANTED TO SECEDE TO RUSSIA ANYWAY!!! What a fucking asshole...

-These commercials that McCain is running now are outrageous. This whole William Ayers thing is insane. All we really know from the facts are that 1) they lived in the same subdivision together, and 2) they served on some educational committee together. I know my parents go to a lot of get-togethers in their subdivision where everyone shows up. And there was a person in the subdivision a few years ago who was arrested for a fairly severe federal offense. Now, because my parents happened to be at neighborhood events with these people in the past, does that make them guilty by association? No, of course not. Just like anyone who lives in the same neighborhood as a pedophile, convicted murderer, or what have you shouldn't be said to be associating with pedophiles or convicted murderers.

As for the educational committee, Barry went through a whole list of people on the same committee during the debate, and quite frankly, I don't remember who they were, but they were all well-to-do people with political ties. Now, when you throw a bunch of people together like that, isn't it possible that there would be well-to-do people with political ties who happen to live in the same subdivision? I mean, am I crazy here? Feel free to let me know if I am.

-Other than that, the ads seem to verge on outright lies a lot of the time. Unfortunately for McCain, the same Republican scare tactics that used to work years ago are becoming obsolete. When people can go on the internet to check the facts and make decisions for themselves, and candidates are kept in check by, among other things (gasp!) bloggers, you can't throw around these wildly inaccurate accusations and be expected to be taken seriously by moderates and independents. You look like a fucking idiot. And that goes for McCain, too...

-These rallies that the two morons are holding are getting fucking IN-TENSE. It's totally wrong and the wrong move. What purpose does it serve. Do you think Joe Hick is going to think to himself, "OOooooooooooo I'm boilin' mad that that goddamn Obama is gonna become President! What am I gonna do? I KNOW! I'll go tell Skeeter to vote for McCain, too! That'll show 'em!" Uh, no. What McCain doesn't understand is that, though it's true that there are lunatics on both sides that get out of hand, the ones on his side have guns and aren't afraid to use them. If you prod them enough, one of them is likely to do something really stupid, whereas a Democrat on the fringe will just go on a hunger strike or something equally as weak and useless. If the worst were to happen, Johnny, wouldn't you be upset at all? You would have blood on your hands, sir. Human blood. I know that might not mean anything to a cylon like yourself, but goddamn it man, we're all in this together.

Obama-Biden

-Meanwhile, Barry and Uncle Joe continue to sail on toward land. It's like they know that they're in a boat race with McCain and Palin. First one from Cuba to the U.S. wins. Obama and Biden are in a nice big yacht with a high-powered motor. McCain and Palin are on a slab of sheet metal with maybe a tire attached. At this point, Barry and Biden know all they have to do is steer straight and not get shitfaced and the race is theirs, right? Is it that easy?

-Looks like old Uncle Joe ended up being a fine V.P. pick. He thoroughly beat Palin in their debate here in St. Louis. He has had a chance to explain some of his outrageous comments. Somehow, he turned the "paying more taxes is patriotic" into "paying your taxes is patriotic." Out of all the guys in the campaign, he seems like the one that you could have a beer with. Well, I guess you could with Palin, too, but you'd be trying to enjoy a game in a sports book and she'd be a cocktail waitress, annoying you with that fucked-up accent of hers. "Oh, did you bet on the PAH-ckers?" "No. I fucking hate the Packers. I bet against those fucks." "Oh, well I LAAAAHVE the PAH-ckers! Thaaaay're sooooo good!" "Fuck you, here's your tip, quit fucking bothering me." "Ohhhhkey-dooookey."

-As opposed to the McCain campaign, I actually like a lot of Obama's ads. Especially the one where he uses a few graphics to illustrate his health plan and the one where he tells parents to help with their kids' educations. Bravo, I say! Good show! Bully! Absolutely bully!

-It's tough to do an Obama impression short of just doing the mannerisms and cadence. "Listen...When Iiiiiiii grew up, we didn't have as much money...as other folks..." and so on. Fred Armisen doers about as well as can be expected on SNL.

-Barry nailed those debates--not too forceful, but you knew he could be in charge. Really, it was quite easy--pick three or four bullet points, get through them fairly easily, and let McCain bury himself by just seeming...well...old and creepy.

-I mean, why shouldn't we talk to our enemies in this day and age? People routinely spit out things like, "oh, well we can't give them legitimacy." Uh, I guarantee if you bother to ask anyone in their country who's in charge, they have a pretty good idea. If we open up negotiations, maybe we can get somewhere with these lunatics so that they don't do something really stupid. Worst case scenario: we tell them to fuck off. I mean, we can't be so fucking stupid nowadays to think that open lines of communication are a bad thing, right? If we would take a few years to reload our armed forces, people wouldn't fuck with us, right? And even if they did, we could hammer them down, I would hope. Just a thought. What do I know about international relations, anyway?

-I mean, not much else to be said here for them. They've been playing a pretty good game of politics here--playing solid defense, not completely sitting on their lead, picking their spots to attack. It's really New Jersey Devils campaigning, folks. Granted, they've been helped by the fact that Barry has been able to actually spit out a coherent economic policy during the crisis, while McCain can only go on about "My friends" and "Joe the Plumber," but they still haven't put the ball on the ground and are trying to run the clock out. So far, so good. We'll see if they can keep it up for 2 more weeks.

Quick Hit

W
C+/B-. Josh Brolin is hilarious as the current Chief Executive. He has the mannerisms and accent down perfectly. In a weak field for best actors, he could very well deserve the Oscar. That said, the movie on whole drags in parts. Still, it definitely has its highlights and is worth a watch in theaters.

Questions? Comments? Disagree with this extremely partisan post? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Pickup Artist Season 2

The Pickup Artist Season 2


I’m not sure how many of you have read THE GAME by Neil Strauss, but it’s a favorite of several of us here at blogmogger. Last year Mystery, one of the primary characters followed in the Game, created the show the Pickup Artist, and the second season of the just started last week. The premise of this show is simple. Mystery has developed a system with which to pickup women. In the show he teaches a group of geeks and nerds this system to improve their social skills. One contestant is eliminated each week based on their performance in a session. In the session, the contestants are sent to a bar to pick up girls. The escapades are filmed by hidden cameras, and we enjoy. Anyways, I’ve decided to start a weekly column about the show. This first week is my running diary of the events of the show. Here we go:


Just a thought. How can you be that hyped about doing this show considering last season only one guy made out with a chick and maybe three actually got numbers. These have to be people that have read the Game and think they’ll get that treatment versus the VH1 dumbed down version.

Waiting for one of these guys that says he isn’t a virgin to admit to paying a hooker for sex.

Karl is an emo super geek. I didn’t know they existed.

Greg is gonna be hilarious. Voice cracks

Almost had Greg admit the hooker

Two Asians this season but no blacks or Latinos (I think). Come on there have to be black nerds and geeks out there.

Hey Brian, I agree with the ladies. I think your gay too.

Wacky Asian Brian dude has been carrying around a collinder the whole time he has been in the house. Wondering if anybody else is noticing this. Is he waiting for the spaghetti to get done? I don’t know?

Simeon has a button down collared shirt with the wrinkled collar popped. I don’t think he understands that you only pop the collar of coats and polo’s.

I wonder if they even need to give prize money away. I think there would still be guys willing to do the show. On that note I have another grip with the show. I think that would be a much better format if they allowed the guys to stay the whole season. No eliminations so we can see how the progress. You couldn’t have as many guys though either, but I think it be much more interesting that way. It would be more true to THE GAME.

The Clubs are the biggest criticism of this show. Are they real or staged, and if they’re real to the people they're know they are being filmed (don’t they have to). If they do how does it affect their behavior. It seems they don’t know, but I wonder what they say when they see themselves being shallow bitches on TV.

Three second rule. Never followed. It absolutely is never followed. And then to ask someone how much his or her drink cost.

Again three-second rule is ignored. Wow, that pick up line was wasn’t that bad, and for that bitch friend to say, “Why are you talking to him?” What a (insert four letter word that seems to be the worst word you can say).

Come on. Let us actually see Mystery run a full set. This bit and piece shit is gay. You see them pulling these moves he talks about, but just parts. Enough that you can recognize what it is, but not enough to fully convince me of his legend from the Game. That is something I’d really like to see. I don’t give a shit about Matador. He looks like he can pick up a chick with or without Mystery’s system.

Rian is now tabbed for first to be eliminated. You can’t freak out and cry while you/re trying to find a new look for yourself. Come on buddy; that would be a blast. You have this whole store to yourself; there is nobody to give you weird looks while you try on clothes you never would normally (hope I don’t sound to gay). There is zero reason to break down and feel overwhelmed. You are not interacting with girls; I repeat you are not even interacting with girls.

The look change has to be the most important part of this all. I have to totally agree with mystery on this one. You have to look sexually active to be perceived as such. I know, dumb logic, but still. Even if you have the best game in the world, the way some of these guys look would not even allow them to get into a conversation with a girl.

Wow Simeon look change jumped him up in my rankings. His wacky behavior can work with this look. Meanwhile Rian, I am still tipping you to go.

Are vests in now? At least half of the guys have incorporated one into their “new’ look. I definitely need to go get one for myself.

I’m not sure about Karl’s look change. I guess it’s an improvement, but the hair do is terrible. Should have gone for something with more volume (wow I sound alittle gay there don’t I).

Next to come my week 1 power rankings.

The Pickup Artist 2- Power Rankings Episode 1

The Contenders
Matt Radmanovich

This is the guy whose opener was, “What kind of drink is that… How much does it cost?” and is afraid that he is too witty for the women. Despite this I think he has a good shot. This appearance is alright, and the makeover made it even better (chest waxing, dental surgery). This guy was also supposedly dumped when he flew to England to visit his girlfriend who was studying abroad. I know you girls like to breakup face to face, but that was a cunt move. Revenge can be one hell of a motivating factor.

Kevin Feng

First off, he will now be referred to as Small-Dick McGee as it is a named that is recounted in his bio as one he was teased with. Didn’t stand out that much in the first episode which is one of the reasons I have him amongst the contenders. One of the geeks that doesn’t actually look like one (apart from being Asian), and that is always an advantage. Also, he is one of three to not admit to being a virgin. Reaching the prize changes the dynamics of meeting women, it just does. Like Greg, he could have a bit of backlash from being to cocky.

Todd Pabst

This guy seems just like your ordinary guy who is shy, and not really a nerd per se. If he is able to use the PUA skills, he’ll be a real threat. Plus he got rid of that terrible chin beard (I myself use to rock one, its not flattering and makes your face look smaller).

The Sleeper
Simeon Moses


This guy was in a frat. It had to be the resident Lambda Lambda Lambda (nerd frat) of the school. Also says he has had sex. Maybe with a hooker. Anyways, despite this I still think he has an outside chance. I know your all saying, “there is no way in hell this guy will when; he is a creeper.” But after his makeover I feel he can morph from creepy guy to wacky guy. Everyone has that wacky friend that gets play somehow and that’s what this guy can be if he can learn to control it.

The Wait and See
Greg Fellows


This guy is a real enigma. First or all, his bio is the only one that doesn’t give an age. Second, this guy is a real estate agent. You have to have people skills to be successful in that field. Third, Greg’s bio also makes him out to be a tad arrogant and a bit of a know it all with the ladies. If so, way the F*&^ are you here. Could this be the arrogant Indian guy from season 1 reincarnated (man I hated that guy)? On the other hand, because he doesn’t look or act like a complete buffoon, and, in the makeover, he ditched the glasses and long hair this guy could have a shot. Arrogance is the main reason he is in this group, but who knows?

Brian Ly

Don’t know much else about this guy than he is wacky and zany (yup zany). This guy is motivated for some pun and could eventually pose a threat.

Karl Meyer

I don’t have much to say about him. Glad be changed his hair, but not a fan of the final result. I don’t see him lasting to long.

Alex William Shelley


Dude you just might in fact be gay. No guy I know would brag about being the biggest hipster in OK. Also, the only kind of people that have that kind of obsession with the 80s are either girls or gay dudes (I am guessing you have a dick). He did heed Mystery’s advice and revamped his image (Like Matador said maybe he thought he was peacocking). That’s the one thing keeping him out of Beyond Help.

Beyond Help
Rian Turner
With the Twist at the end of the first episode it’s got to be this guy that’s going home. Having a breakdown will getting a makeover, yeah there is no helping you.



Side Notes:
To put this list together I was moseying around the VH1 website for a little more info on the guys. Here are a few random notes I had in the process:

1- All the comments about the show I saw were from girls. Well at least the names attached to the posts were feminine. You think these girls are actual normal girls or just girls out of the same mold as the guy contestants. I’d put money on the latter.

2- These bios are cheese city. Definitely written by a female (or gay dude )

3- Asian Brian and Matt have the exact same bio entry (matt’s twice). This left me with even less info about Asian Brian

4-A final side note. While I was looking through the PUA 2 website on VH1 I noticed that for Mystery’s Bio they mention nothing at all about Neil Strauss and The Game. I wonder if they are still in contact or the falling out was really that bad. Strauss did paint quite a picture of him.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

MLB Second-Round Playoff Preview

Who will be the champion of the American League? Who will be the champion of the National League? Who will go to the World Series? Does any of it even matter? Continue reading to find out.


ALCS
Rays vs. Red Sox

I dislike the Red Sox. If I saw the Red Sox on the street it would be uncomfortable. My thoughts would be as follows, "Shit! What are the damn Red Sox doing here? I thought they lived in Boston. Did they see me? I hope they didn't...oh shit, they saw me. Shit, they're coming over. Okay relax your face. Don't let them see a facial expression of dislike and discomfort. Say hello in a casual manner....shit, I have a strained uncomfortable smile showing. They can totally tell. Just end the conversation quickly...they won't stop talking. This is really starting to piss me off. SHUT YOUR MOUTH RED SOX!!!! YOU ARE WASTING MY LIFE WITH THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!"

The last paragraph was meant to illustrate that I don't like the Red Sox, so I obvioulsy want The Rays to win the series. But as a sports writer of great integrity I can't just pick the team I want to win, I have to be objective. So let's look at some facts. The Red Sox are a team of weak little girls. Many of the players might be menstrating during the series. If Daisuke or Beckett get the wrong call from their mothers, they will have an emotional breakdown. The Rays are team of tough men. They have no emotions or pity for the weak.

Rays over Red Sox (4-2)

NLCS
Phillies vs. Dodgers

After predicting all four series winners from the last round I feel very confident in my picks. Some people might try to discredit me by playing the "three of the series had already started when I picked" card. To those people I say get a life, grow up, and WHAT ABOUT THE DAMN TAMPA BAY SERIES!?!?!?! THEY HADN'T PLAYED A SINGLE GAME AND I TOTALLY CALLED IT!!!

Anyways, let's move on to the Phillies/Dodgers series. Lots to consider here. At first look Philadelphia looks like the better team. They have all those good hitters. Then you remember that they always choke. Then you also think that there might be a conspiracy to make sure that Manny plays the Red Sox in the World Series to ensure high ratings. Then you remember that you picked Tampa Bay so that can't be the case. Then you go back to your first thoughts and you think, "Why would I let those stupid reasons effect my pick? Why don't I just not be a puss and pick the team I originally thought would win the series?" And that's how you make your pick.

Phillies defeat Dodgers (4-1)

Friday, October 03, 2008

A few movie reviews by Big Baby

In the grand Blogmogger tradition of trying to find new columnists that will help to broaden the fanbase, I am pleased to introduce new columnist Big Baby Davis. In addition to studying to be a zookeeper, BBD is a true lover of animals. Consequently, he has decided to dedicate his life to reviewing an industry that exploits animals every chance they get (see Jennifer Aniston) in the form of Hollywood. BBD and G-Gel Unit will bring you reviews of popular motion pictures every few weeks. Here is their (or, more acurately, BBD's) first column [DJGel]:


Well Grant won’t be joining us for this first review. We don’t need him, though. In fact, fuck him. Fucking Roger Ebert has already tried to kill me, so I should be OK on my own. On that note the first movie I’ll review:


Miracle at ST. Anna.


Overall a very solid film. I do feel I may have liked it a little more than the average person. The best parts of the film are the racial jokes. Well, they may not be "jokes," but I sure as hell laughed my ass off at them. In all seriousness, though, the beginning of the movie was probably the weakest part. The movie opens with the oft-viewed trailer. A postal worker goes postal on some Doge [Ed's note: Dogs?].Suddenly, the film flashes back to a battlefield . This is the part I felt was full of cheese. Spike Lee hasn’t quite mastered the battlefield scene yet. Overall, though, I really enjoyed this movie. There is plenty of commentary possible if one is in the "proper mood." I do think it would work better as a mini series though. Something in the vein of a Band of Brothers. All I’m trying to say is that it felt little long, and you could probably develop characters a little more and explore the dramatic tension that exists within a somewhat latently racist America. Anyways I’d give it a B+ with extra credit to the Chocolate Giant. Him and the kid stole the movie. You might just shed a tear at the ending.


Burn after reading



I’m going to have to disagree with DJ a little on this one. If you enjoyed Fargo, this movie will seem like a weaker version that goes after the Bush Administration. The dialogue can be fantastic in parts, and the characters throughout the movie are great. But it can seem a little patchy at times and it ultimately tries too hard. I did enjoy the bumbling higher up characters at the CIA. Bottom line: a lesser Fargo. C+


Questions? Comments? Drunk and tired of editing like DJGel? Email the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.



Thursday, October 02, 2008

MLB FIRST-ROUND PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

I realize some games have already been played, but I'm going to throw out some playoff predictions anyway. I'll be on time for the later rounds. I really will. I promise. Stop judging me.

NLDS

Dodgers over Cubs (3-1)

I know that the Dodgers already won a game. I know that it may have affected my prediction. Would you rather me just pick the Cubs, a team I hate as a St. Louis Cardinal's fan, just to make it look like I'm not making predictions based on games that were already played? I don't think you would. And quite frankly I think you should get off my back about the whole issue.

I could quote a lot of fancy statistics and mention fancy players on each team to justify my pick, but I'm just going to be honest: The Cubs choke in the playoffs and Manny Ramirez.

Phillies over Brewers (3-2)

Don't even think it. Don't you think I already know that the Phillies won the first game and that I'm now picking another team that won their first game? So what? I really think they are going to win the series. The Brewers are from Milwaukee for God's sake. Milwaukee can't win anything. Milwaukee people think they are cool, but they aren't. "Hey I'm from Milwaukee. You know what that means? I'm a big drinker because we make a lot of Miller beer there. That means I'm a crazy guy. Now let me tell you a bunch of my lame drinking stories to desperately try to gain your approval...my life is empty and meaningless." Sorry, you loose Milwaukee.

ALDS

Red Sox over Angels (3-0)

Yeah I picked all the teams that have already won. So what? Its just being smart, playing the odds. Luckily I'm not even self-concious about the whole ordeal so I'm just going to stop talking about it. We all know that the Red Sox have to win their first series because everyone hates them. People like the Angels, but they really don't have a lot of substance going for them. Plus, the AL west always chokes. Most importantly, Boston already won a game making their chances of winning the series skyrocket.

White Sox vs. Devil Rays?????

Shit. This is a really tough call. They seem so even right now. Both teams have an equal shot at this thing...man, I better think of some other category other than the win/loss column of the series I'm predicting to pick a team. What else is there? Regular season wins? Tampa Bay 97, Chicago 89.

Devil Rays will win this one easily. I think we all can see that they had eight more wins in the regular season so they are way better than the White Sox. Scientifically speaking they are eight times better.

Devil Rays over White Sox (3-0).

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Week 4 NFL Power Rankings, Picks

Anybody need any skim milk? Week 4 is around the time the cream starts to rise to the top in the NFL, leaving...well, shit, I'm not entirely sure. Some kind of milk-like substance, I guess? At any rate, there's a lot of just...shit...this year on the bottom. You know, teams that don't really have any chance of winning it all. Teams kind of like...well...I guess the 2007 Giants would fall into this category. That's something for the teams at the bottom to latch onto--right Rams?

Aw, fuck it, who am I kidding? They all suck--except for about 5 or 6 teams right now. And one of those teams has a QB who is a straight-razor away from a trip to the ICU, followed by a lengthy stay in the loony bin.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The modern NFL!

Onto the Power Rankings.

1. Dallas Cowboys

They really went into Green Bay and bloodied old Aaron Rogers' nose a bit, didn't they? Just when you thought they might be showing signs of weakness, they pull a game like that out and shove it right in your face. I guess it just turned out that Philly is actually quite a good team, and the teams' first head-to-head contest happened to occur in Week 2, when no one knew what the fuck to think. I guess my point is: these guys are fucking good.

2. New York Giants

What was all of that talk about a hangover? Shit, everyone knows the best way to avoid a hangover is to man up and have another coupla' beers to take the edge off. Well, guess what? The Giants ordered a few kegs and are fucking POUNDING 'em back right now. They are getting SHITCANNED! They're aiming for a blackout this year--hangover be damned! Granted, at some point, they have to deal with the consequences and have one of those 4-alarm hangovers where they just lie around in bed all day, flipping through shitty tv shows and thinking to themselves, "This must be what it feels like to be dead." Maybe in a couple of years, they'll just be a mean homeless drunk, panhandling for gin, getting the shit beaten out of them for hitting on some big fuckin' guy's girlfriend (see: St. Louis Rams). For now, though, they are fuckin' living it UP!

3. Philadelphia Eagles

As predicted last week, Westbrook went down with an injury. Unfortunately for their opponents, with the way D Mac is playing right now, it doesn't fucking matter. And yes, I realize that I have three teams from the NFC East in the top three spots right now, but after years of ESPN hyping up the NFC East as "the toughest division in football," even though it has always been pretty shitty, it finally looks like the Bristol prophecies have come to pass. And, no, I'm not saying that Andy Reid's kids are going to go knock up a governor's daughter. I'm not exactly denying that it will happen, but I'm not saying it, either...

4. Buffalo Bills

Easy, there, fellas! I know you have a really easy schedule here, but beating the Oakland Raiders by one point? Yikes! Your balls were getting a little close to the bandsaw there. If they don't kick that last second field goal, they probably drop out of the top ten. But because they made it, and they're practically...well, not practically...yeah, fuck it...they ARE guaranteed to go 4-0 this week against the Rams, they'll be in the top 4 again next week, too. Football is a funny game like that.

5. Denver Broncos

Jay Cutler is a god. Seriously. Where would the Rams be right now if they could put Jay Cutler out there instead of the two-headed suckmonster that is Marc Bulger/Trent Green? I think I'll call it "Tarc Bulgreen." Cutler would be worth about 4 wins to this Rams team--that's saying something considering it's 4 more than I have them tagged for for the entire 2008 season right now. And everyone wonders why they call Mike Shanahan a genius. He knew that the Rose Bowl QBs (Young and Leinart) were either a) crazy or b) a prissy, tantrum-throwing little girl. So he traded up to get a future elite QB with Scott "I'm a dumb idiot" Linehan, who traded back to get the "guy they wanted all along"--Tye Hill, who has successfully defended 10% of passes thrown at him this season. That is not a typo. Brilliant work, Mike. Well done, sir.

6. Tennessee Titans

I'll be god-damned if they don't keep winning, even with all of this "Oh, I'm gonna kill myself! Oh, woe is me!" routine of Vince Young. Someone should check with the poor guy to make sure he fully understands the concept of death. Like, he can't come back from it. Ever. Period. End of story. If you tell him enough, you just might beat it into his goddamned head. Meanwhile, Kerry Collins continues to steal his job. Oh, and did I mention that their running game is spectacular. Chris Johnson is great. Always remember: it's not a reach in the draft if you actually do your scouting and homework on a guy. This usually separates the good teams (Titans) from the bad (Rams). In the extremely disappointing AFC South, these guys basically can skip to the division title.

7. Carolina Panthers

I mean, I keep waiting for them to have a fall. Yes, they DID lose to the Vikes last week, but the Vikes are pretty good. I KNOW I can throw a football better than Jake Delhomme at this point. But every time I look at the matchups and the spreads, I always think, "Sure, the Panthers can cover!" It makes me wonder--could I play in the NFL? I mean, I can throw the short out route like no one else. I guess I'm not terribly tall, but give me a little time and the ball would be there. Jake Delhomme is giving hope to every sore-armed flag football QB out there. If he can, then I can too.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers

They are certainly a team in free-fall. Injuries to Willie Parker and "Ben" make them eminently more beatable. Fortunately for me, though, it means that I'm going to be starting Matt Forte, Jonathan "Daily Show" Stewart, Ryan Grant, and Rashard Mendenhall in my fantasy league this week. I mean, yes, they did lose to the Eagles last week, and the Eagles are good, but they should've been able to smack around an "inferior" NFC team, right AFC apologists? They have a couple of divisional games here coming up--they can either put some distance between themselves and everyone else, or maybe allow the surprising Ravens to catch up.

9. Green Bay Packers

There is no shame in losing to the Cowboys, Packers. So long as it's not in the playoffs--then there's no excuse. Just stop crying, wipe your nose a bit, take a deep breath, and come back this week with a big win against the Bucs in the "Battle of the Bays."

10. San Diego Chargers

Sure, they're 1-2. Three things make me bullish on the Chargers, though:

1) They thoroughly dismantled the Jets last week. Demolished them. The Jets aren't good, but it's an important win because...

2)...They are in the AFC West. 'Sucks to play Denver twice, but they already have one of those losses included in their record. Raiders + Chiefs = 4 easy wins. Finally:

3) Their players most likely are on an aggressive regimen of steroids and hGH that will ensure that they come back sooner rather than later.

THAT'S why I like the 1-2 Chargers

11. Baltimore Ravens

They've beaten up on "juggernauts" like the Browns and the Bengals. Call me when you beat someone real.

12. Washington Redskins

Trending up right now. It's looking more and more like they just ran into a good team (the Giants) in week 1. Will Jason Campbell have the bad game everyo...er...I'm waiting for? The big problem is, their divisional games will kill them. That's probably 5 losses right there. They have to run the table against everyone else to survive. So far, so good.

13. Tampa Bay Bucs

Uh, this IS Brian Griese's team, right? I mean, this is the same guy who couldn't nail down the starting job with the Bears, isn't it? Am I missing something here? He is still starting for them, right? Can someone explain this to me? I feel like I'm Vince Young here.

They're due for a big fall.

14. Arizona Cardinals

They will forever be remembered as the team that finally killed Matt Millen. "Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard! You might just make it yet!"

15...Um...

15...Wait for it...

15. Miami Dolphins

HUGE shakeup in the top half of the NFL this week, folks! Against the Pats, they showed that they could be innovative and make some plays. With the Tom Brady-less Pats allowing their Handsome Quotient to decrease at an alarming rate, the AFC East is anyone's division. Can you honestly say that they won't beat the Bills once and that they couldn't take the Pats again? I'm just saying, if the stars align...

16. New Orleans Saints

Tough draw last week against the Broncos. I still really like Drew Brees, even if I dislike Reggie Bush. I also like "Lucky" Pierre Thomas, who is proving to be a valuable goal line rusher. NOW WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU WORK DEUCE MCALLISTER INTO THE MIX MORE, SEAN PAYTON!?! I FUCKING THOUGHT I HAD THE STEAL OF THE DRAFT WITH A LATE ROUND PICK AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING REWARD ME!?! FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!!! Man, that felt good.

17. San Francisco 49ers

Attention Mike Martz: Operation Get Nolan Fired is not proceeding as planned. You need to sink this fucker, fast! Take a hammer and start beating holes into the ship. Steer them into a big fucking iceberg. Just fucking do something! You don't want to lose out on a plum head coaching job like the Niners, do you? Do something, damnit! DO FUCKING SOMETHING!!!

18. Jacksonville Jaguars

Wha happen?!? I thought these guys were supposed to be winning the Super Bowl this year! Maybe Jack Del Rio has lost his touch. I mean, he wasn't a particularly good head coach before last year. Remember that? When people said he was just an ex-jock bully who didn't actually know how to coach in the league? No? Yes? Too much slurping media coverage in the last year or so? Let's move on...

19. Indianapolis Colts

Talk about fading glory. I wouldn't put up with this shit if I was Peyton Manning. I'm sure he's like, "Get me some fucking receivers! I need some good fucking receivers in here, fucking NOW! And can someone go down to Applebee's and get me a fucking cheeseburger! Seriously, that's all I want people--a fucking CHEESEBURGER! And a Pepsi! Can I get a fucking Pepsi around here anymore!?! God DAMN it! Oh, and some Kenny Chesney tickets! Can I get some fucking Kenny Chesney tickets around here or what!?! Who's even running this operation anymore?!? And backstage passes?!? Would it kill anyone to get me some FUCKING BACKSTAGE PASSES!?! ALL I WANT ARE FUCKING BACKSTAGE PASSES TO THE FUCKING KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT AND 15 FUCKING MINUTES OF PRIVACY--CAN ANY FUCKING ONE AROUND HERE FUCKING GET ME THAT ANYMORE!?!?!?! FUCK!!!"

Remember the hangover analogy from above? Well the Colts stop by the bar every night for 8-10 beers. They don't have a problem! Fuck no! They just drink to dull the pain. Don't look now, but a few years from now, you could be [pointing at Rams] THAT GUY!

(If that doesn't scare them straight, I don't know what will)

20. Minnesota Vikings

Getting better. Who would've thought--Gus Frerotte? Really? Did they even watch Rams tape from last year? I guess AP helps them out a little bit--unlike a certain dainty little fashionista running back for the Rams, but still, Gus Frerotte? How long can he keep this up?

21. Atlanta Falcons

This is probably a little high for them, but gosh darn it, they've earned it. I'm fairly confident they could beat any of these teams below them right now. I don't really know if that is meant as praise for them or a shot at the teams below them. Whatever. Fuck it.

22. Chicago Bears

They have a really, really tough schedule here. It doesn't get any better this week--the Eagles come to town. They'll probably be 1-3 this time next week, which wouldn't be good. Shit, that's only one game better than the Rams will be. Yikes...

23. New England Patriots

How do you go out and LOSE TO THE FUCKING MIAMI DOLPHINS!?!? AT HOME!?!? JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH!!! I wouldn't have liked to have been in that Pats locker room after the game--oooooh boy. I'm sure everyone on that team now has two, three, or (in Matt Cassell's case) four assholes. They just are not very good without Brady. I guess the old adage is true: If you take the handsome out of the team, there's not much left other than a bunch of smelly, ugly guys. Well, that's the Pats right now.

And how bad was Cassell. I hate to say I called it last week, buuuuut...I CALLED IT LAST WEEK! CASSELL FUCKING SUCKS!!! VINDICATION TASTES SO FUCKING SWEET, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

24. Houston Texans

They have a bunch of tough games coming up here. At Jacksonville, Indy, Miami. Then they get a couple of cream puffs (Detroit and Cincy at home). There's a great chance this team will be 3-4 at the halfway point of the season and we'll have no idea at all how good they really are. That is, IF they can win one of the "tough" ones against the old AFC South horses or upstart Dolphins. That is still a big "IF."

25. New York Jets

Congratulations, Brett Favre! Way to turn this team around! Wait, it says here that you guys are 1-2! What the fuck happened? I thought you were supposed to save Jets football! Man, what a fucking disappointment. You could be living off your lucrative Wrangler jeans endorsements and could be sitting at home right now, drinking a beer, watching...er...NASCAR, or whatever the fuck you watch, but instead, you're getting the shit beaten out of you, throwing passes high and wide, and travelling all over the country. A bit much just to get away from the wife and kids, isn't it, Brett?

26. Oakland Raiders

I mean, they really aren't just THIS bad. They beat up on the Chiefs, and they ALMOST beat the Bills. I don't see why Al Davis is sticking his nose in this mess--Kiffin seems like he's starting to turn things around a bit. Of course, Al loves his draft picks, so any hint that these guys will finish ahead of the Rams (which is inevitable now. I mean, they already have a win, folks) and he's there raising all kinds of hell.

27. Seattle Seahawks


It is amazing how the Rams can make any team look like they are stacked with Pro Bowlers. Running game problems? What running game problems? Receivers hurt? Fuck it, we'll pass all day! We're fine! Seriously! I mean it...seriously...we're fine! Don't worry about us at all!!! Seriously. Hey! Seriously? We're fine!

28. Cincinnati Bengals

It's always really tough when i get down here. I know that the Rams are obviously last, and that the Lions are second-to-worst, but where do the rest of these 0-3 teams shake out? I guess I'll go for the Bengals because they have a proven good QB and a couple of good wideouts. Everything else is terrible, but come on--you need something to build on. Oh--and they took the Giants to overtime, right? Right guys? Right?

29. Cleveland Browns

It's about time "Lady" Quinn got to this mess! Come on, Lady! Wreck that trade value, now! Whattaya say now, kid! Throw that INT now! Get your coach fired now, whattaya say now!

30. Kansas City Chiefs

Their coach doesn't know what the internet is. They started a guy at QB who had a pornstar name (Taylor Thigpen). Their running back is only like 29 but he runs like a 90-year-old washwoman. Their defense is a mess. Their fans hate them.

And there are still two teams in this league worse than the Chiefs!

31. Detroit Lions

They finally flushed Matt Millen down the DeToilet. In hindsight, 2 for 4 on top ten wideout picks isn't that bad. I mean, seriously, how do they pick up the pieces from here? Marinelli is the definition of lame duck. Kitna sucks. They don't have a running back. They've already packed it in like Tera Patrick in a sports bra one size too small. Fortunately, no team ever could compete with the level of shame and ridicule worthy of...

32. St. Louis Rams

Boy, oh boy. This thing gets uglier and uglier by the minute. I guess they answered one big question this week: "Can we get blown out by shitty teams as well as good ones? FUCK YEAH!!!" What a disaster. There has never been a more disgraceful team in the league, ever. I've recently been reading the (excellent) book Boys Will Be Boys by Jeff Pearlman, and aside from his excellent chapter about Charles Haley's masturbatory habits, he also wrote a chapter in there about the sad-sack, 1-15 team that Jimmy Johnson coached in his first year. They were a group of bitchy, whining veterans who complained that Johnson "didn't treat them like men" and had them do things like run full-contact practices. I'm sure these Rams would make similar remarks, except I am certain that Scott Linehan couldn't even do one tenth as good of a job as Johnson did with that squad. You know what Jimmy did after that terrible season? He shipped everyone out, including their prima donna franchise running back and brought in hungry kids that would "buy in," kids that would earn the fucking right to be treated like men. You know what the Rams did after their terrible season last year? They wasted another draft and gave the prima donna running back a contract extension! They let the cancer in the locker room fester and spread itself throughout the organization to the point where local beat writers leak ugly information obviously told to them in confidence in the hope that interim owner Chip Rosenbloom will have the balls to do something to this squad. Fucking unbelievable.

Blow it up, goddamnit. Blow the fucker up already...

Picks (in bold, home team in CAPS)
Broncos -10 @ CHIEFS
Browns @ BENGALS -3.5
Texans +7 @ JAGUARS
Cardinals +1.5 @ JETS
Niners @ SAINTS -5.5
Falcons @ PANTHERS -6.5
Vikings @ TITANS -3
Packers +1
@ BUCS
Bills -8 (seriously? Yay! Free Money!) @ RAMS
Chargers -7.5 @ RAIDERS
Redskins +11 @ COWBOYS
Eagles -3 @ BEARS
Ravens @ STEELERS -5

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 13-17-1