Friday, July 25, 2008

LiveBloggin: Z107.7

So there's this thing called "liveblogging" where a blogger will follow some event or show and blog their thoughts live. It's kind of like Edward R. Murrow reporting from London during the blitz...if he had lived in his Mom's basement and covered the Macworld Conference & Expo instead. 

Being a scientist, I decided to put my bull-shittin' skills to the test. I wanted to try it out on something that would hopefully ensure hilarity, or at least something reactionary. I chose to listen to something I hadn't in a long time: the radio...and not just any radio: Z107.7 Anyone not hailing from the greater St. Louis metropolitan area may not know what Z107.7 is, so here's a brief introduction:

According to their flashy website, Z107.7 is "STL's Hit Music Space." It's what the kids are listening to these days; it's the top 40; it's the music that is defining our generation; in other words, it's the homogenized pop music the major labels are paying Clearchannel to program into it's computers to broadcast across the country. 

Alright...dialing in the station...and here goes nothing:

6:22 pm: "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown
"I got paper like optimus prime" is the first lyric I'm able to make out. I'm not exactly sure what that means. Was optimus prime wealthy? Did he work at Office Max or was he simply an origami aficionado? What are you saying Chris? And who the hell are you?

6:23 pm:
Apparently the "DJ" is Chris Copeland. His picture on the website shows a white dude with thinning hair which isn't that cool but wait...he's wearing sunglasses! That's cool right? He has a video up on his website of a guy falling off a Segue. Jackass was a hit 5 years ago, but kids still like that stuff right?

6:25 "Take A Bow" by Rihanna
"Umbrella" was good. This is bland. If this song was a food, it would be a cheese sandwich.   

6:27 "Just A Little Bit" by 50 Cent
I've heard that 50 got popular through some badass mixtapes. It doesn't really show here as he rhymes "little bit" with "little bit" about 65 times. That indian sounding breakdown is pretty cool though. More of that please, less of 50 please

Mr. Copeland says Miley Cyrus is no longer "getting naked" in some movie. Isn't she 14 or something. If not, she looks it. So...that's bad? 

6:30 "Closer" By Ne-Yo
I've heard this song on commercials. Not sure what the paranoid lyrics about an overbearing relationship have to do with selling useless crap on the internet that no one else wants.

Wow, Ryan Seacrest has a show later at 10! Great!

6:33 Commercials
Radio Shack
It sounds like the average Z107.7 listener loves cheaply made hamburgers, consumer products made in China, and...paint.

6:40 "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry
Did this just come out? It sounds like something made between 1989 and 1993.  Lyrics: "I don't even remember your name/ your just a part of my experimental game." Yikes! I'm not exactly sure what's going on here. Oh...I think I finally get it, she kissed a girl and she liked it. I can definitely see this song being played in a bar/club and being shouted along with by a gaggle of dolled-up drunk girls who have never had sex with the lights on let alone kissed another girl.

6:43 "What you got" by Colby O'Donis
Another bland R&B song. Hook: "Always talking about what you got/ girl you know you need to stop." How potent. The words sounds like something belted out by a freshman with an acoustic guitar at the college coffee house.

6:46 "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey
Another bland R&B song. I'm convinced there's a computer program out there that comes up with these soulless R&B beats. They all sound the same. Canned drums: check. Bass vamp: check. Major chord progression on piano or synth: check. Chimes: check. Someone to over-sing: check. We've got a hit!

Maybe I will Chris (we're on a first name basis now), maybe I will go down to the landing and hang out. I'll have to borrow a horizontal stripped polo shirt, some baggy jeans and shiny black shoes though. Oh, and could you spot me $20 for the covers. Hey man we should go grind on some of those gaudy white chicks from rural Illinois. That would be just grand. But, dude, you got to wear your shades. 

6:51 "Burnin' Up" by The Jonas Brothers
I've heard of these yokels, and now I get the pleasure of actually hearing them. Hmm, another bland R&B song but sung by a terrible Jason Mraz. That's it, I'm done.

You know, for all the slack that pop music gets for corrupting the youth, in the course of my scientific research I didn't really hear anything remotely incendiary. If anything, I'd be more worried about the kids growing up to be white, boring, middle-class-suburban "consumers". But I guess that's the "American Dream TM" right kids? right? 

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Don't Let Your Boss Win

I just remembered this conversation I had with some friends at a wedding and its really making me angry so I decided to write about it. My one friend was talking about how he recently played his boss in a tennis match and he tanked it so his boss would win so he didn't "rock the boat". Some of my other friends comments were, "Yeah that's a tough call" or "Don't want to show up your boss". My comment was, "You are a spineless pussy, how dare you degrade yourself like that!"

Why would you ever let your boss beat you in a sporting match? What a cowardly move. That's the type of move that gets you stuck in middle management your whole life because you never want to "rock the boat". Fuck it. Rock the fucking boat. Is the boat that great? What if you did tip it over? Would that be so bad? You can always get on a new boat. Maybe a better boat where you are captain and you don't have to be a yes man that follows bullshit societal protocol. It starts with tanking a tennis match and then next you won't invest in that start-up company. Before you know it you've lived your whole life playing it safe and you never got a single thing you wanted. On your death bed do you think you're going to happily declare, "I'm real glad I tanked that tennis match against my boss thirty years ago, smart play. Now where is that damned nurse at this wonderful run of the mill nursing home? My diaper needs to be changed. God I fucking loved playing it safe my whole life!" Hell no.

Also, think about what you would think of yourself if you were the boss. If you were the boss would you think highly of an employee who isn't man enough to assert himself in a tennis match? I wouldn't. I would want the guy who fought me to the bitter end and beat the shit out me if he could. If the guy laid down I would know I could walk all over him professionally as well because he is obviously terrified of getting fired and way too concerned with what I think of him. And would you ever trust the guy with any deals? He would just give into every demand the opposing company made. So in conclusion, don't ever fucking tank it on a tennis court or in life.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

What's The Deal With Wale?

Hey gang, gunner here again, I know, I know, two posts in three days, the audacity! Besides being a student of comedy, I also dabble a bit in the listening of recorded sound. So I thought I'd make a quick post about what I've been listening to while roller blading around the park this summer.

There's this hip-hopper from D.C. who's recently been gaining popularity through some mixtapes being trucked around in the internet tubes. He goes by the handle Wale (pronounced like Wall-E but with the other "e" sound, like princes Leia. Don't be an idiot like me and spend a week pronouncing it wale like the giant sea-mammal) His first widely released mixtape, 100 Miles & Running, was pretty fun with samples of Go-Go music, Justice, and production by Mark Ronson. If you know what those things are, congrats you just received 45 hipster points.

His latest mixtape, though, is even better. It's called The Mixtape About Nothing, and it's a concept hip-hop record about Seinfeld! Let me go ahead and repeat that: a concept hip-hop record about Seinfeld! The TV show! At first blush it sounds cheesy. I like the Wu-Tang Clan and I like Seinfeld, but together? (By the way, if anybody knows a girl who likes WTC and Seinfeld I'd like to meet her.) Anyway, the "concept" is pretty loose; Wale uses clips from the show more as a spring board to address other issues so it comes out tasting like peanut butter on chocolate and not A1 sauce on ice cream. Those issues are broad and relatively nuanced (listen to "The Kramer" for a refined look at racial slurs), but delivered artfully playful. Larry David would be proud. Also, its free!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

CamPAIN 08: The Candidates

As part of our on-going election coverage (complete with clever new nickname!), I thought that I’d make some fairly random observations about this election season so far.

Barack “Barry” Obama

-I like ole’ Barry Obama. He seems like he wants to change the system, he really does. And he had to put up with the fucking Clintons trying to drag his ass down for two months after it was clear that he was going to get the nomination anyway. Shit, they even made him make speeches on how free-trade was evil and stuff, even though it’s pretty fucking awesome.

The big problem with Obama—it seems like his answer to every problem is “raise taxes.” Healthcare’s fucked? Raise taxes. Gas prices going up? Raise taxes. Iran’s being a little shit? Raise taxes. Space program? FUCK IT IT’S CUT! Oh, and raise taxes.

-Speaking of which, I sent a little message into Baraka regarding future manned space exploration after more than a few cocktails sometime last week. It was surprisingly well-written for a drunk, asking if the Senator is so fucking pumped about getting more egg-heads into laboratories (like resident scientist and new Friend of the Mog Gunner), the best way to do it would be to get people back to the Moon and onto Mars. Of course, I’ve received plenty of responses from the campaign, but I think they just put me on the same fucking stupid mailing list that Jamie is on, asking me to volunteer at rallies and give them money. HA! At least send me a form letter—shit, I used to write the things for my rep. Let some new pimply-faced intern say why you support the space program (used to be me) or why you don’t. I JUST WANT A FUCKING RESPONSE, OKAY! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!? A LITTLE FUCKING ATTENTION?!? LOVE ME BARACK!!! LOVE ME GODDAMNIT!!!

-Not to get personal, but memo to Michelle Obama: if you wanted to keep the spotlight on you, then you should’ve run for president. See Clinton’s first term, 1993-4, for more details on where you’re headed.

-Oh, I kid the senator from Illinois. As I pointed out earlier in my horse-race column, my biggest concern with the man is that he is a former law professor. Not only that, but he taught Constitutional law, and from my experience, most of those professors are all flash, no substance, which to a law professor means that they’ll start their class with a stale, Leno-like 5 minute monologue before launching into awful discussions of Constitutional minutiae. I’m certain that a cabinet meeting with the man would be pure torture—everyone would always be on edge, waiting to be called on, one person would be really nervous when he finally got around to calling on them, then he’d start to get pissed and be like, “Mr. _________, did you even bother to read last night?”, while the cabinet member let out a meek, “no…”, and he’d get really-fake pissed off and start going on about the “importance of reading” before storming out of the meeting into the Oval Office, throwing himself wearily into his chair with a long sigh, and opening the bottom drawer of his desk to reveal a secret stash of Southern Comfort—a big fucking mess all around.

John McCain

-I don’t know if anyone realized this, but did you know that senator McCain is old? I just found this out a few nights ago on (insert name of dumb-ass late night comedy show). They were making jokes about how some of the senator’s old friends are now the very oil that is going up exponentially in price! I mean, wow. How funny! What a gas!

-McCain seems like he has some good ideas domestically, namely cutting my taxes. However, when it comes to foreign policy, the guy has more screws loose than the wings on a Southwest Airlines plane. This is good because the terrorists will also be scared shitless, and not (ostensibly) want to fuck with us if it means that old Fighter Jock Johnny would just throw a dart at a map of their country and push the big-ole’ red button. This is bad because we might end up fighting the whole Middle East (except Israel), along with China, Russia, North Korea, and…well…fuck it, let’s throw Vietnam in there, too, just for old time’s sake. I mean, is it really worth it?

-It has been bothering the shit out of me for the longest time, but I finally figured out who McCain reminds me of—Colonel Tigh from Battlestar Galactica. To be quite honest, I’m pretty sure that given his druthers, McCain would rather be Colonel Tigh than President, what with all of the drinkin’ and cussin’ and being in space and hating robots and whatnot. It seems like a lot more fun than having your whole day planned out for you, wasting hours per day on photo ops with assholes that contributed tons of cash to your campaign, and taking three-month vacations on your Texas ranch. Except for that last part. That sounds fucking sweet.

-Is it good or bad that I think that the Democrat in this election is the religious wahoo?

-Not to pile on here, but I am a bit worried that the old cuss is gonna kick the bucket before his term is up, making his running mate choice crucial. If it’s a right-wing lunatic, that’s bad. I’m worried that we’re gonna have “Smilin’” Mike “Hy-uck-abee” running the show, putting up a big cross on the White House lawn and turing the President’s weekly radio address into the “1600 Club.”

-Speaking of which, shouldn’t these guys get their running mates wrapped up here soon. Although, with my luck, it’ll be fucking Mike Huckabee and Claire McCaskill. If that’s the case, I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do. This election fucking sucks.

Questions? Comments? Think we give CNN a run for their money with our frequently-updated, well-thought out political commentary? E-mail the BlogMogger team at

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My First Time

Thank you DJ for that warm welcome to this legendary blog. Wow, what an honor. I am honored. I finally get to write for the Blogmogger (whoever that is). This is really a great honor. You see, I'm kind of a humor expert. My qualifications include watching 8 hours of TV each day, going to see every Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movie, and reading the funny pages, especially B.C. and Marmaduke.

Since not everyone can dedicate the same time and energy that I do to modern-American-humor I thought I'd provide a public service and help explain some of the most widely used jokes and gags today. This is creme of the crop material that has been tested time and time again and has yet to become stale or flat. It's really amazing.

So here you go everyone; no more will you have to rely on laugh tracks or resort to watching a friend to see when he laughs during sitcoms. No longer will you be the only one not laughing at the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. And the next time you're at a company barbecue and there's a break in conversation about the new fax machine go ahead and pull out one of these doozies. You'll have that new job in middle management in no time.

-Women like things, men are lazy
This spectacular joke is featured predominately on sitcoms featuring families as well as commercials for home improvement stores. The woman will be like "I want a new [some sort of useless superficial item]" and the man will be like "I don't want to get that, I'd rather relax and watch the big game after a hard days work of providing food and shelter to my family" and then the woman withholds sex from him. Hilarity ensues.

-"I know where you live!"
This one is great. So someone does something that really makes you angry, and you go "hey, I know where you live." Funny, right? You see, the joke is that since you know where the guy lives you're going to go there and...I don't know...break into his house and kill him or something. Its actually not very clear on what you're going to actually do, but at least you know where he lives. Warning: Don't confuse this joke with the more dramatic "I know where you sleep."

-This race is different from that one
I'm sure that you thought all human beings are essentially united in a common quest to find truth, love, and happiness in this harsh world and our differences are really only as deep as our skin. But you would be wrong. As comedians are apt to point out, apparently different races of people behave differently. So your asian friend, well he automatically can't drive very well. Your hispanic friend now rides in the back of a truck with 20 others. Your gay friend will be getting a new wardrobe of short-shorts and tank tops. And I guess you better stock your fridge with watermelon, because your black friend loves the stuff. Isn't that funny?

-"I'm okay!"
Oh, this one's a gem. Often seen in TV and movies, the set-up is that someone falls or has an accident in some sort of slapsticky way which, in the real world, would result in very serious injury. These people would probably die or be in the ICU for several months. But alas, they are not hurt and even have enough energy to exclaim "I'm okay!" It's pretty great, because everyone thinks the person is hurt, but they're really not. Hahaha.

-Topical Humor
These jokes can be a little risky especially if the topic is currently controversial and they are usually best left to the professionals, like late night TV talk show hosts. If you want to attempt this type of material, however, try to stick with the tried and true like "OJ Simpson kills people," or "Bill Clinton likes sex," or "Catholic priests like sex with little boys" (if you think that one is a little too risky for your religious friends try inserting Michael Jackson in the place of Catholic priests). If you really want to be "edgy", try out some even more recent events like "hey what about these high gas prices", "George Bush is dumb/a bad president", or "global warming: hot enough for ya?". All hilarious.

-"You're an alcoholic"
This one I'm not that big a fan of but you may run into it when spending time with friends...or family Let's say you get off work and to wind down you take a few shots and have a beer or two, and then maybe you go out to a bar alone and drink until they close and rudely kick you out, so I then have to go to a gas station to buy 50 of those individual packs of Advil, because they're not selling booze anymore and I have to keep my high. And then your friend is like "easy there, what are you an alcoholic?". It's an OK joke, I guess.

There you go, and that's just a start. Humor really provides endless opportunities if you just use your imagination. For further research watch Mind of Mencia, The Bill Engvall Show, or any movie with Brendan Fraser. There may be more from me in the future.


Monday, July 14, 2008

New Contributor--Gunner

Hello all. Just wanted to let you know that, in an attempt to reverse organizational inertia, and blah, blah, blah, efficiency and synergy, blah, blah, blah, make this site funny/worth reading again, we've enlisted the help of a bright, funny young man who goes by the handle of "gunner." He's better known as Gunner Jet to friends, but you can call him gunner. He assures me that he has nothing to do at work all day, or rather he bitches incessantly about it, so look for his first post sometime here in the near future. I'm thinking about some ideas of my own, but until I take the anonymous Evil Professional Licensing Examination at the end of the month, there's not going to be too much time for lolly gagging, tomfoolery, or grab-ass. Or writing columns, for that matter. We'll try to fire this fucker up here in the near future.