Being a scientist, I decided to put my bull-shittin' skills to the test. I wanted to try it out on something that would hopefully ensure hilarity, or at least something reactionary. I chose to listen to something I hadn't in a long time: the radio...and not just any radio: Z107.7 Anyone not hailing from the greater St. Louis metropolitan area may not know what Z107.7 is, so here's a brief introduction:
According to their flashy website, Z107.7 is "STL's Hit Music Space." It's what the kids are listening to these days; it's the top 40; it's the music that is defining our generation; in other words, it's the homogenized pop music the major labels are paying Clearchannel to program into it's computers to broadcast across the country.
Alright...dialing in the station...and here goes nothing:
6:22 pm: "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown
"I got paper like optimus prime" is the first lyric I'm able to make out. I'm not exactly sure what that means. Was optimus prime wealthy? Did he work at Office Max or was he simply an origami aficionado? What are you saying Chris? And who the hell are you?
Apparently the "DJ" is Chris Copeland. His picture on the website shows a white dude with thinning hair which isn't that cool but wait...he's wearing sunglasses! That's cool right? He has a video up on his website of a guy falling off a Segue. Jackass was a hit 5 years ago, but kids still like that stuff right?
6:25 "Take A Bow" by Rihanna
"Umbrella" was good. This is bland. If this song was a food, it would be a cheese sandwich.
6:27 "Just A Little Bit" by 50 Cent
I've heard that 50 got popular through some badass mixtapes. It doesn't really show here as he rhymes "little bit" with "little bit" about 65 times. That indian sounding breakdown is pretty cool though. More of that please, less of 50 please
Mr. Copeland says Miley Cyrus is no longer "getting naked" in some movie. Isn't she 14 or something. If not, she looks it. So...that's bad?
6:30 "Closer" By Ne-Yo
I've heard this song on overstock.com commercials. Not sure what the paranoid lyrics about an overbearing relationship have to do with selling useless crap on the internet that no one else wants.
Wow, Ryan Seacrest has a show later at 10! Great!
It sounds like the average Z107.7 listener loves cheaply made hamburgers, consumer products made in China, and...paint.
6:40 "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry
Did this just come out? It sounds like something made between 1989 and 1993. Lyrics: "I don't even remember your name/ your just a part of my experimental game." Yikes! I'm not exactly sure what's going on here. Oh...I think I finally get it, she kissed a girl and she liked it. I can definitely see this song being played in a bar/club and being shouted along with by a gaggle of dolled-up drunk girls who have never had sex with the lights on let alone kissed another girl.
6:43 "What you got" by Colby O'Donis
Another bland R&B song. Hook: "Always talking about what you got/ girl you know you need to stop." How potent. The words sounds like something belted out by a freshman with an acoustic guitar at the college coffee house.
6:46 "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey
Another bland R&B song. I'm convinced there's a computer program out there that comes up with these soulless R&B beats. They all sound the same. Canned drums: check. Bass vamp: check. Major chord progression on piano or synth: check. Chimes: check. Someone to over-sing: check. We've got a hit!
Maybe I will Chris (we're on a first name basis now), maybe I will go down to the landing and hang out. I'll have to borrow a horizontal stripped polo shirt, some baggy jeans and shiny black shoes though. Oh, and could you spot me $20 for the covers. Hey man we should go grind on some of those gaudy white chicks from rural Illinois. That would be just grand. But, dude, you got to wear your shades.
6:51 "Burnin' Up" by The Jonas Brothers
I've heard of these yokels, and now I get the pleasure of actually hearing them. Hmm, another bland R&B song but sung by a terrible Jason Mraz. That's it, I'm done.
You know, for all the slack that pop music gets for corrupting the youth, in the course of my scientific research I didn't really hear anything remotely incendiary. If anything, I'd be more worried about the kids growing up to be white, boring, middle-class-suburban "consumers". But I guess that's the "American Dream TM" right kids? right?