Thursday, September 25, 2008

Week 4 NFL Power Rankings, Picks

Anybody need any skim milk? Week 4 is around the time the cream starts to rise to the top in the NFL, leaving...well, shit, I'm not entirely sure. Some kind of milk-like substance, I guess? At any rate, there's a lot of just...shit...this year on the bottom. You know, teams that don't really have any chance of winning it all. Teams kind of like...well...I guess the 2007 Giants would fall into this category. That's something for the teams at the bottom to latch onto--right Rams?

Aw, fuck it, who am I kidding? They all suck--except for about 5 or 6 teams right now. And one of those teams has a QB who is a straight-razor away from a trip to the ICU, followed by a lengthy stay in the loony bin.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The modern NFL!

Onto the Power Rankings.

1. Dallas Cowboys

They really went into Green Bay and bloodied old Aaron Rogers' nose a bit, didn't they? Just when you thought they might be showing signs of weakness, they pull a game like that out and shove it right in your face. I guess it just turned out that Philly is actually quite a good team, and the teams' first head-to-head contest happened to occur in Week 2, when no one knew what the fuck to think. I guess my point is: these guys are fucking good.

2. New York Giants

What was all of that talk about a hangover? Shit, everyone knows the best way to avoid a hangover is to man up and have another coupla' beers to take the edge off. Well, guess what? The Giants ordered a few kegs and are fucking POUNDING 'em back right now. They are getting SHITCANNED! They're aiming for a blackout this year--hangover be damned! Granted, at some point, they have to deal with the consequences and have one of those 4-alarm hangovers where they just lie around in bed all day, flipping through shitty tv shows and thinking to themselves, "This must be what it feels like to be dead." Maybe in a couple of years, they'll just be a mean homeless drunk, panhandling for gin, getting the shit beaten out of them for hitting on some big fuckin' guy's girlfriend (see: St. Louis Rams). For now, though, they are fuckin' living it UP!

3. Philadelphia Eagles

As predicted last week, Westbrook went down with an injury. Unfortunately for their opponents, with the way D Mac is playing right now, it doesn't fucking matter. And yes, I realize that I have three teams from the NFC East in the top three spots right now, but after years of ESPN hyping up the NFC East as "the toughest division in football," even though it has always been pretty shitty, it finally looks like the Bristol prophecies have come to pass. And, no, I'm not saying that Andy Reid's kids are going to go knock up a governor's daughter. I'm not exactly denying that it will happen, but I'm not saying it, either...

4. Buffalo Bills

Easy, there, fellas! I know you have a really easy schedule here, but beating the Oakland Raiders by one point? Yikes! Your balls were getting a little close to the bandsaw there. If they don't kick that last second field goal, they probably drop out of the top ten. But because they made it, and they're practically...well, not practically...yeah, fuck it...they ARE guaranteed to go 4-0 this week against the Rams, they'll be in the top 4 again next week, too. Football is a funny game like that.

5. Denver Broncos

Jay Cutler is a god. Seriously. Where would the Rams be right now if they could put Jay Cutler out there instead of the two-headed suckmonster that is Marc Bulger/Trent Green? I think I'll call it "Tarc Bulgreen." Cutler would be worth about 4 wins to this Rams team--that's saying something considering it's 4 more than I have them tagged for for the entire 2008 season right now. And everyone wonders why they call Mike Shanahan a genius. He knew that the Rose Bowl QBs (Young and Leinart) were either a) crazy or b) a prissy, tantrum-throwing little girl. So he traded up to get a future elite QB with Scott "I'm a dumb idiot" Linehan, who traded back to get the "guy they wanted all along"--Tye Hill, who has successfully defended 10% of passes thrown at him this season. That is not a typo. Brilliant work, Mike. Well done, sir.

6. Tennessee Titans

I'll be god-damned if they don't keep winning, even with all of this "Oh, I'm gonna kill myself! Oh, woe is me!" routine of Vince Young. Someone should check with the poor guy to make sure he fully understands the concept of death. Like, he can't come back from it. Ever. Period. End of story. If you tell him enough, you just might beat it into his goddamned head. Meanwhile, Kerry Collins continues to steal his job. Oh, and did I mention that their running game is spectacular. Chris Johnson is great. Always remember: it's not a reach in the draft if you actually do your scouting and homework on a guy. This usually separates the good teams (Titans) from the bad (Rams). In the extremely disappointing AFC South, these guys basically can skip to the division title.

7. Carolina Panthers

I mean, I keep waiting for them to have a fall. Yes, they DID lose to the Vikes last week, but the Vikes are pretty good. I KNOW I can throw a football better than Jake Delhomme at this point. But every time I look at the matchups and the spreads, I always think, "Sure, the Panthers can cover!" It makes me wonder--could I play in the NFL? I mean, I can throw the short out route like no one else. I guess I'm not terribly tall, but give me a little time and the ball would be there. Jake Delhomme is giving hope to every sore-armed flag football QB out there. If he can, then I can too.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers

They are certainly a team in free-fall. Injuries to Willie Parker and "Ben" make them eminently more beatable. Fortunately for me, though, it means that I'm going to be starting Matt Forte, Jonathan "Daily Show" Stewart, Ryan Grant, and Rashard Mendenhall in my fantasy league this week. I mean, yes, they did lose to the Eagles last week, and the Eagles are good, but they should've been able to smack around an "inferior" NFC team, right AFC apologists? They have a couple of divisional games here coming up--they can either put some distance between themselves and everyone else, or maybe allow the surprising Ravens to catch up.

9. Green Bay Packers

There is no shame in losing to the Cowboys, Packers. So long as it's not in the playoffs--then there's no excuse. Just stop crying, wipe your nose a bit, take a deep breath, and come back this week with a big win against the Bucs in the "Battle of the Bays."

10. San Diego Chargers

Sure, they're 1-2. Three things make me bullish on the Chargers, though:

1) They thoroughly dismantled the Jets last week. Demolished them. The Jets aren't good, but it's an important win because...

2)...They are in the AFC West. 'Sucks to play Denver twice, but they already have one of those losses included in their record. Raiders + Chiefs = 4 easy wins. Finally:

3) Their players most likely are on an aggressive regimen of steroids and hGH that will ensure that they come back sooner rather than later.

THAT'S why I like the 1-2 Chargers

11. Baltimore Ravens

They've beaten up on "juggernauts" like the Browns and the Bengals. Call me when you beat someone real.

12. Washington Redskins

Trending up right now. It's looking more and more like they just ran into a good team (the Giants) in week 1. Will Jason Campbell have the bad game'm waiting for? The big problem is, their divisional games will kill them. That's probably 5 losses right there. They have to run the table against everyone else to survive. So far, so good.

13. Tampa Bay Bucs

Uh, this IS Brian Griese's team, right? I mean, this is the same guy who couldn't nail down the starting job with the Bears, isn't it? Am I missing something here? He is still starting for them, right? Can someone explain this to me? I feel like I'm Vince Young here.

They're due for a big fall.

14. Arizona Cardinals

They will forever be remembered as the team that finally killed Matt Millen. "Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard! You might just make it yet!"


15...Wait for it...

15. Miami Dolphins

HUGE shakeup in the top half of the NFL this week, folks! Against the Pats, they showed that they could be innovative and make some plays. With the Tom Brady-less Pats allowing their Handsome Quotient to decrease at an alarming rate, the AFC East is anyone's division. Can you honestly say that they won't beat the Bills once and that they couldn't take the Pats again? I'm just saying, if the stars align...

16. New Orleans Saints

Tough draw last week against the Broncos. I still really like Drew Brees, even if I dislike Reggie Bush. I also like "Lucky" Pierre Thomas, who is proving to be a valuable goal line rusher. NOW WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU WORK DEUCE MCALLISTER INTO THE MIX MORE, SEAN PAYTON!?! I FUCKING THOUGHT I HAD THE STEAL OF THE DRAFT WITH A LATE ROUND PICK AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING REWARD ME!?! FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!!! Man, that felt good.

17. San Francisco 49ers

Attention Mike Martz: Operation Get Nolan Fired is not proceeding as planned. You need to sink this fucker, fast! Take a hammer and start beating holes into the ship. Steer them into a big fucking iceberg. Just fucking do something! You don't want to lose out on a plum head coaching job like the Niners, do you? Do something, damnit! DO FUCKING SOMETHING!!!

18. Jacksonville Jaguars

Wha happen?!? I thought these guys were supposed to be winning the Super Bowl this year! Maybe Jack Del Rio has lost his touch. I mean, he wasn't a particularly good head coach before last year. Remember that? When people said he was just an ex-jock bully who didn't actually know how to coach in the league? No? Yes? Too much slurping media coverage in the last year or so? Let's move on...

19. Indianapolis Colts

Talk about fading glory. I wouldn't put up with this shit if I was Peyton Manning. I'm sure he's like, "Get me some fucking receivers! I need some good fucking receivers in here, fucking NOW! And can someone go down to Applebee's and get me a fucking cheeseburger! Seriously, that's all I want people--a fucking CHEESEBURGER! And a Pepsi! Can I get a fucking Pepsi around here anymore!?! God DAMN it! Oh, and some Kenny Chesney tickets! Can I get some fucking Kenny Chesney tickets around here or what!?! Who's even running this operation anymore?!? And backstage passes?!? Would it kill anyone to get me some FUCKING BACKSTAGE PASSES!?! ALL I WANT ARE FUCKING BACKSTAGE PASSES TO THE FUCKING KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT AND 15 FUCKING MINUTES OF PRIVACY--CAN ANY FUCKING ONE AROUND HERE FUCKING GET ME THAT ANYMORE!?!?!?! FUCK!!!"

Remember the hangover analogy from above? Well the Colts stop by the bar every night for 8-10 beers. They don't have a problem! Fuck no! They just drink to dull the pain. Don't look now, but a few years from now, you could be [pointing at Rams] THAT GUY!

(If that doesn't scare them straight, I don't know what will)

20. Minnesota Vikings

Getting better. Who would've thought--Gus Frerotte? Really? Did they even watch Rams tape from last year? I guess AP helps them out a little bit--unlike a certain dainty little fashionista running back for the Rams, but still, Gus Frerotte? How long can he keep this up?

21. Atlanta Falcons

This is probably a little high for them, but gosh darn it, they've earned it. I'm fairly confident they could beat any of these teams below them right now. I don't really know if that is meant as praise for them or a shot at the teams below them. Whatever. Fuck it.

22. Chicago Bears

They have a really, really tough schedule here. It doesn't get any better this week--the Eagles come to town. They'll probably be 1-3 this time next week, which wouldn't be good. Shit, that's only one game better than the Rams will be. Yikes...

23. New England Patriots

How do you go out and LOSE TO THE FUCKING MIAMI DOLPHINS!?!? AT HOME!?!? JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH!!! I wouldn't have liked to have been in that Pats locker room after the game--oooooh boy. I'm sure everyone on that team now has two, three, or (in Matt Cassell's case) four assholes. They just are not very good without Brady. I guess the old adage is true: If you take the handsome out of the team, there's not much left other than a bunch of smelly, ugly guys. Well, that's the Pats right now.

And how bad was Cassell. I hate to say I called it last week, buuuuut...I CALLED IT LAST WEEK! CASSELL FUCKING SUCKS!!! VINDICATION TASTES SO FUCKING SWEET, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

24. Houston Texans

They have a bunch of tough games coming up here. At Jacksonville, Indy, Miami. Then they get a couple of cream puffs (Detroit and Cincy at home). There's a great chance this team will be 3-4 at the halfway point of the season and we'll have no idea at all how good they really are. That is, IF they can win one of the "tough" ones against the old AFC South horses or upstart Dolphins. That is still a big "IF."

25. New York Jets

Congratulations, Brett Favre! Way to turn this team around! Wait, it says here that you guys are 1-2! What the fuck happened? I thought you were supposed to save Jets football! Man, what a fucking disappointment. You could be living off your lucrative Wrangler jeans endorsements and could be sitting at home right now, drinking a beer,, or whatever the fuck you watch, but instead, you're getting the shit beaten out of you, throwing passes high and wide, and travelling all over the country. A bit much just to get away from the wife and kids, isn't it, Brett?

26. Oakland Raiders

I mean, they really aren't just THIS bad. They beat up on the Chiefs, and they ALMOST beat the Bills. I don't see why Al Davis is sticking his nose in this mess--Kiffin seems like he's starting to turn things around a bit. Of course, Al loves his draft picks, so any hint that these guys will finish ahead of the Rams (which is inevitable now. I mean, they already have a win, folks) and he's there raising all kinds of hell.

27. Seattle Seahawks

It is amazing how the Rams can make any team look like they are stacked with Pro Bowlers. Running game problems? What running game problems? Receivers hurt? Fuck it, we'll pass all day! We're fine! Seriously! I mean it...seriously...we're fine! Don't worry about us at all!!! Seriously. Hey! Seriously? We're fine!

28. Cincinnati Bengals

It's always really tough when i get down here. I know that the Rams are obviously last, and that the Lions are second-to-worst, but where do the rest of these 0-3 teams shake out? I guess I'll go for the Bengals because they have a proven good QB and a couple of good wideouts. Everything else is terrible, but come on--you need something to build on. Oh--and they took the Giants to overtime, right? Right guys? Right?

29. Cleveland Browns

It's about time "Lady" Quinn got to this mess! Come on, Lady! Wreck that trade value, now! Whattaya say now, kid! Throw that INT now! Get your coach fired now, whattaya say now!

30. Kansas City Chiefs

Their coach doesn't know what the internet is. They started a guy at QB who had a pornstar name (Taylor Thigpen). Their running back is only like 29 but he runs like a 90-year-old washwoman. Their defense is a mess. Their fans hate them.

And there are still two teams in this league worse than the Chiefs!

31. Detroit Lions

They finally flushed Matt Millen down the DeToilet. In hindsight, 2 for 4 on top ten wideout picks isn't that bad. I mean, seriously, how do they pick up the pieces from here? Marinelli is the definition of lame duck. Kitna sucks. They don't have a running back. They've already packed it in like Tera Patrick in a sports bra one size too small. Fortunately, no team ever could compete with the level of shame and ridicule worthy of...

32. St. Louis Rams

Boy, oh boy. This thing gets uglier and uglier by the minute. I guess they answered one big question this week: "Can we get blown out by shitty teams as well as good ones? FUCK YEAH!!!" What a disaster. There has never been a more disgraceful team in the league, ever. I've recently been reading the (excellent) book Boys Will Be Boys by Jeff Pearlman, and aside from his excellent chapter about Charles Haley's masturbatory habits, he also wrote a chapter in there about the sad-sack, 1-15 team that Jimmy Johnson coached in his first year. They were a group of bitchy, whining veterans who complained that Johnson "didn't treat them like men" and had them do things like run full-contact practices. I'm sure these Rams would make similar remarks, except I am certain that Scott Linehan couldn't even do one tenth as good of a job as Johnson did with that squad. You know what Jimmy did after that terrible season? He shipped everyone out, including their prima donna franchise running back and brought in hungry kids that would "buy in," kids that would earn the fucking right to be treated like men. You know what the Rams did after their terrible season last year? They wasted another draft and gave the prima donna running back a contract extension! They let the cancer in the locker room fester and spread itself throughout the organization to the point where local beat writers leak ugly information obviously told to them in confidence in the hope that interim owner Chip Rosenbloom will have the balls to do something to this squad. Fucking unbelievable.

Blow it up, goddamnit. Blow the fucker up already...

Picks (in bold, home team in CAPS)
Broncos -10 @ CHIEFS
Browns @ BENGALS -3.5
Texans +7 @ JAGUARS
Cardinals +1.5 @ JETS
Niners @ SAINTS -5.5
Falcons @ PANTHERS -6.5
Vikings @ TITANS -3
Packers +1
Bills -8 (seriously? Yay! Free Money!) @ RAMS
Chargers -7.5 @ RAIDERS
Redskins +11 @ COWBOYS
Eagles -3 @ BEARS
Ravens @ STEELERS -5

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 13-17-1

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Quick Movie Reviews: 9-23-08

During my recent vacations, I have had the good fortune to see a number of recent releases. Here are the grades I give them. For an explanation of the grading scale, check this post.

Tropic Thunder: C+

Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise are obviously the best parts of this movie. It had a couple of good highs, and it's good to see Jay Baruschel of "Undeclared" fame back in the spotlight. Overall, though, the whole thing didn't really work for me. It's a fine commentary on Hollywood, and one of the fake trailers at the beginning is hilarious, but the whole product never really comes together.

Hamlet 2: F

I went into this one with some fairly high expectations. They were not met at all. I kept checking my watch every 10 minutes throughout the entire thing. I hate to say it, but the only really funny jokes throughout the movie were the really simple ethnic potshots, and even many of these just seemed out-of-place. I left the theater after about an hour. Luckily, I had snuck in and didn't waste $12 on this drivel.

Burn After Reading: A-

This is a great movie. It is an even better commentary on modern society and what self-absorbed idiots people are nowadays, always looking for instant gratification, spitting in the face of common sense. Brad Pitt nails this role harder than he does Angelina Jolie on a kitchen counter after 2 Viagra. Clooney is good--just about what the movie calls for. Just a great, multi-layered, funny movie. I would highly recommend it if you're smart. If not...well...go see some romantic comedy, I guess. I don't know. I DON'T DEAL WITH YOU STUPIDS VERY WELL, OK! YOU PEOPLE ARE DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY SLOWLY BUT STEADILY! IS IT THAT TOUGH TO ACTUALLY FUCKING LEARN SOMETHING FOR ONCE?!? FUCK! FUUUUCCCCKKKK!

Righteous Kill: D+

This movie is more transparent than an invisible window. The script is really quite bad, as well. The novelty of Pacino and De Niro is funny at first, but it wears off quickly and you're left with a really weird, not-so-well-done movie.

Love Raft: D+

I watched this new lifetime movie starring Amanda Bynes and The Male Lead from Mean Girls on a whim while on one of my many travels. It is absolutely ridiculous. Did I mention it has former Fresh Prince Star Alfonso "Carlton" Ribiero in it as the activities director with the phony baloney accent? Bad, bad movie. On a related note, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, DE NIRO AND PACINO?!? DO YOU EVEN SEE THIS? I'M GIVING LOVE RAFT THE SAME SCORE AS YOUR DUMB ASS MOVIE!!! HANG 'EM UP, ALREADY, FELLAS!!!"

The Gameplan: C

Actually, much, much better than I thought from a commentary perspective. The girl in it is a pretty good actress, and delivers her limited one-liners well. The Rock is somewhat worse, but actually does a better job than I thought he could. his agent is terrible. What a bitch.

That's all for now. Hope to have what might be the final power rankings out by Friday. If anyone else would care to post a column before then, I would greatly appreciate it.

Questions? Comments? Wondering why I watch so many effeminate films lately? E-mail the Blogmogger team at

Friday, September 19, 2008

NFL Power Rankings and Picks, Week 3

Well, that was a hell of a week in the NFL. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, week 2 comes along and royally fucks things up. Well, that and the fucking hurricane, which totally sucks. At any rate, here are my power rankings after week 2, followed by picks at the end.

1. Dallas Cowboys

Their grasp on this spot gets more and more tenuous by the day. It's like they're hanging on to a cliff above a river, but they have a swarthy, mean-looking guy with a knife stabbing at their fingers, and big fucking crocodiles in the river below. They beat the Eagles this week, and the Eagles are a decent team, it turns out, but they didn't win by much, and they were at home. Maybe they'll get better as the season goes on, but something tells me the guy with the knife will get lucky once or twice before this is all over.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

They stay here for now. Even if Roethli...Rothlis...uh...Ben's injury is worse than advertised, their running game and defense are enough to keep them in games. Mike Tomlin looks like he's doing a great job. Part of that is the depth that they've stockpiled through the years, depth that is essential to maintaining a healthy, winning organization. Fortunately, these guys have more depth than the Marianas Trench right now, so they can survive a nick or two.

3. New York Giants

That pass rush would scare the shit out of me if I was a quarterback. Did I mention that Eli looks a lot better now that he's won a ring, too? Sure they only plastered the Rams last week, and their division is tough as hell, but I still think that they're the better team than...

4. Philadelphia Eagles

...these guys. Right now they're playing out of their minds, but an injury to either Westbrook (not unheard of) or D Mac (any minute now) will fuck them over at some point this season. Just you watch.

5. Buffalo Bills

They can just coast into the bye week. They have something like Oakland, at STL, Arizona. They should be 5-0, but Arizona could leave them 4-1. That will actually be a hell of a game, if you think about it. Kurt Warner's big weakness has always been cold weather since I think the 56 pins in his right hand freeze up and create what is basically a frying pan appendage when the temperature gets low enough. Right now, I would absolutely take the Bills money line between them and the Pats later this year--looks to be pretty easy money.

6. Carolina Panthers

I guess they don't give a fuck that Delhomme can't throw anymore. With guys like Jonathan Stewart on their squad, why ever go to the air? The Bears are a tough, tough defense, too, and they beat them pretty badly, all things considered. Damn it. I was hoping John Fox would get fired and be there for the Rams to pick up in the off season. Now it looks like he's bought another year or two. Fuck.

7. Denver Broncos

Sure they won the last game on what everyone says was a really bad call. I didn't see the game or the highlights (no ESPN right now), but by all accounts, the Chargers got fucked. More on that later. The point is that Cutler is really starting to come into his own, this rookie wideout gives them a downfield weapon for the first time since Javon Walker was good, and they are 2-0.

As an aside,, always good for a chuckle with one of their ridiculous projection articles, tried to find the "next great generation of NFL QBs." Hey assholes, it's just the three guys picked in the first round of the 2004 Draft, plus Cutler and Romo. I mean, come on! Are you shitting me? We needed this to be an article? Who doesn't know who the "next big QBs" are? Fortunately, though, they got a bunch of NFL scouts together for nuggets of wisdom on these guys. one in particular is hilarious. This idiot named Jeremy Green, who obviously doesn't actually watch the games he attends, had this to say when asked to comment on the "Single Greatest Strength" among these "Anointed Five" QBs. He said:

Jeremy Green: Wow, this is hard. I love Big Ben's strength, Manning's ability to shake off adversity, Romo's improvisational skills and Rivers' gritty temperament. But above all, Cutler's quick release stands out. The guy just throws darts. I didn't notice it as much on last year's mediocre Broncos club, but after watching all five passers early this season, I can't get over the way Cutler zings it. He can make all the throws with excellent arm velocity. This sums it up best: He can fit passes into tight windows better than anyone on this list, and that's a must when facing the speed of today's NFL defenses.

Uh, you DIDN'T NOTICE THAT JAY CUTLER THROWS THE BALL HARDER THAN ANYONE WHO HAS EVER PLAYED THE GAME BEFORE UNTIL THIS SEASON?!? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT FOOTBALL IS??? Any asshole who has watched a single quarter of any Broncos game knows that Cutler has the best arm in the league, period. He would leave Rambo-like holes in the middle of receivers with footballs if not for the flak-jackets his wideouts wear. "Didn't notice it last year?" Fuck you. You're probably a fucking Rams scout, you piece of shit. You probably sit in the team box with Jay Zygmunt, listening to his latest plan to get more power in the organization, even though he's like the top guy now, nodding your head, and making puppy dog eyes at him all day. What an ass.

At least one scout is doing their job. Let's call him "Steelers/Patriots Scout." Or Tag Ribary. In the same article, on the same question, "Tag" says:

Tag Ribary: When I watch Cutler throw the ball I am constantly amazed by his arm strength. The amount of zip he is able to put on the ball when throwing across the hash, on the move or when squeezing the ball into a window that is closing is uncanny. This gives defenders very little time to react once he makes a decision.

Now that's more like it! You hear that, Green? You could learn a thing or two from Ole' Tag over here.

Moving on...

8. Green Bay Packers

G Gel Unit and I were talking a lot of football this week, and we both came to the conclusion that maturity is one of the biggest qualities necessary to success as an NFL quarterback nowadays. That's not to say that the QB has to be old to be good, but just a mature individual at the time that he begins being a starter in the league. Some guys come into the league ready to go on that front (Peyton Manning), others can develop it by playing (Drew Brees, Eli Manning), still others have tons of maturity, but just aren't very good and wash out (David Carr). The guys that really struggle are the ones that are treated like spoiled little girls in college, where...say..."Pete Carroll" would give him a brand new frilly pink dress every week, only to have it thrown back at him with a tantrum that goes like, "Noooo! I'M NOT WEARING THIS DRESS, IT'S NOT VERSACE, COACH!", followed by a weak, defeated Carroll attempting a, "But Pumpkin, we have to get going, it's almost game time, and you'd look so pretty in it, and..." before being cut off by a "I SAID NO!!!", and a slamming door, followed by a sigh from a defeated Carroll as he slowly shuffles away from the QB's room (Matt Leinart). These guys struggle to develop the maturity to just wear the goddamned dress and be happy with it.

One way that teams can breed this maturity into their QBs is by having them sit behind a great QB for a couple of years (or Brett Favre in this case), get humbled by the scout team, learn the system inside and out, and let them live as adults for a while before giving them the keys to the franchise. The Packers have done this to perfection with Aaron Rogers, who went from spoiled, crying California douchebag on draft day to mature-sounding, confident NFL starting quarterback this season. It took a while, but better to do that than to burn out the spoiled bitch, like they did with...

9. Arizona Cardinals

...our number 9 team. Luckily for them, they have Kurt Warner to turn to. If Leinart would ever grow up and be a man, maybe he'd have a chance at competing for this job. Typical of our generation (and the rest of America), though, he just cries and blames everyone else for his own personal failings. Grow up, Matt. Do the people of Arizona a favor. Or do them a real favor and get the fuck out of town. Whatever, your call.

By the way, could things be going any better for Ken Wisenhunt right now? I just imagine his assistants coming into his office late at night and being like, "Hey, Ken, we're leaving. We're gonna head over to Applebee's to get a beer and a bite. Want to join us?" "No, that's ok, you guys go ahead." After everyone's gone, he just takes out a bottle of bourbon and a copy of the schedule, and studies it for hours. He just goes through his head, "Well, we get the Rams, Seahawks, and Niners twice each, that's 6 wins. We took down the Dolphins already, that's 7. You're telling me I just have to find two more wins somewhere and we're pretty much home free in this shitty division? [turns to mirror] Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard. You might just make it yet!"

10. Tennessee Titans

Yeah, if I'm Jeff Fisher, I really want Kerry Collins trying to talk Vince Young down off the ledge. THAT's a great idea. I think this is less a case of Frilly-Dress Leinart syndrome and more a case of "Guy who got an 8 on the Wonderlich has millions of dollars and no idea at all of how to handle it" syndrome. I can see the meeting between Young, his agent, and Titans management:

Titans GM: "Now, Vince, you get a $10 million bonus just for signing this contract."

Young: [blank stare]

Titans GM: "That's a lot of money, Vince, but we really think you can be a cornerstone of the franchise for years to come. Now we don't usually do this, but here's a cash advance [opens briefcase]. It's only $50,000, but we figured you'd like to see some of it."

Young: [blank stare]. "What that?"

Titans GM: "What? That's part of your bonus. It's a small adv..."

Young: "No, the green stuff. What is that?"

Titans GM: "You mean money? You can use it to purchase goods and services pretty much anywh..."

Young: "Does it burrrrn good?"

Titans GM: " might want to get a safe or something to protect it but..."

Young: "I like burrrrrrnin'. I like burrrrnin' a LOT."

Titans GM [shaking head, color slowly draining from his face.]

11. Indianapolis Colts

It's tough to watch a slowly aging core try to keep things together. Manning still has 5-6 good years left in him, at least. And Addai and Wayne are still pretty young. Marvin Harrison is done, though, and the defense is getting old, creaky, and injury-prone. They kind of need to blow half of it up and start over again. Still, they're in the top dozen NFL teams right now.

12. New England Patriots

I had the distinct displeasure of watching their game against the Jets last week. Two things I learned:

1) The Jets are bad

2) The Pats, though not terrible looking without Brady, will probably only beat bad teams and lose to good teams from here on out. They should be ranked around 16 or so, but there are so many bad teams this year, they get bumped up to 12. I don't get this "Matt Cassell is a great game manager" shit, either. He looked like a scared baby out there most of the Jets game, and routinely threw high and wide of his receivers. The only game he looks like he could manage right now is a Rams game.

13. Chicago Bears

Tough loss against the Panthers. Obviously the run D might be a problem. Forte is a revelation at HB, though, all the better since I thought I had wasted a mid-round fantasy pick on him. Unfortunately, the rest of my team looks like it sucks pretty badly now, so I'm not holding my breath. These guys should get a wildcard in the NFC barring a big fall.

14. San Diego Chargers

Yes Chargers fan, you got screwed out of a win, in all liklihood, by a botched call. You know what? Fuck you. You've benefitted the past couple of years from a couple (as far as we know. It might be more) of roided-up monsters on defense. Merriman gets to pick and choose when he serves his suspensions to suit which opponents you guys play. I don't want to hear about any of this whiny "but...but the wefewee stowle owe game fwom usss!" crybaby bullshit. It's about time you got one stolen from you, like you've stolen them from so many other teams through the years.

15. Washington Redskins

Totally an elevator team. Up and down. Up and down. How can Jason Campbell look so bad in the first game and so good in week two? The thing is, he always pulls this shit. I guess that's why Skins fans always get a hair up their ass when anyone criticizes the guy--they see all of this "potential" in him. Well start producing, goddamnit!

16. New Orleans Saints

Same shit, only with the running game. I guess they miss Colston more than I thought they would. Still, no excuse to lose that game.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Something about hearing, "And starting at quarterback for the Buccaneers, from Michigan, in his tenth NFL season, Briaaan Grieeeeeeeeeeeessseeeeee!" would really scare the shit out of me if I was a Bucs fan. I'm sorry, I'm just not as progressive as some other fans out there.

18. Baltimore Ravens

Sucks to be you guys. I would be pissed off if my bye week got switched to week two. I mean, what can you say? "Boy, it's great to get our team healed up after that one week of playing. Mmmmm-mmmm. Feels good!" I mean, it's nobody's fault, and of course it's better than playing in a hurricane, but it still sucks for the Ravens.

(By the way, the hurricane obviously sucks for everyone in that area, but this is a football column, so know also that I hope for the best for everyone down there. Godspeed, folks, and swift re-building).

19. Minnesota Vikings

I would be so fucking pissed off if I was a Vikes fan right now. All of that "Tavaris Jackson is our QB" shit was obviously, flat-out, BULLSHIT. And even though they realized it early on, they didn't have the foresight to snap up a Chad Pennington, or even a wash-out like Byron Leftwich. They couldn't even take a good, young guy in the draft, opting for Leinart's little sister instead (John David Booty). Now you have Gus Frerotte running your offense, and Adrian Peterson just sitting there. It's like a little old lady owning a Ferrari. If I was a Vikes fan and I saw Brad Childress on the street, I would probably give him a big "Fuck You!" I dunno, that's just me...

20. NY Jets

The Pee Wee Herman award for "Most spectacular exposure" last week goes to the Jets, who are obviously, despite the Hall-of-Fame QB, still bad. Fortunately for the Packers, the Jets forgot the whole "I'm old and washed up" phase of Brett Favre's career, which lasted about four years before his inexplicable resurgence last year. So far this year, he's making it look like a one-time only deal. Hey, at least you're selling a LOT of jersey here in New York, though. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

Looking more and more like they're just plain bad. Too much thuggery, not enough offense.

22. Uh...San Francisco 49ers?

Jesus, this is fucking terrible that they're this high. I mean, they're ok, but come on! 22nd! That's ridiculous! Mad Mike, you gotta work harder at this sabotage thing. Poison Nolan like that Ukrainian President. Start pushing defensive guys down the stairs. Well, I guess other than Patrick Willis. You'd probably try to push him once, and he'd turn around and swat at you like a little gnat, and you'd go flying into the wall at 85 mph. That's probably not a good idea.

23. Cleveland Browns

Fading fast. Chair a little hot for you, Romeo? Dealer paying out too much? Too many blackjacks? This seat is so HOT, I tell ya. It's scorchin'! Insurance? FUCK NO! Aw, dealer didn't have it? BUT I DO!!! BLACKJACK!!! THIS SEAT IS SCALDING! I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! MY ASS IS ON FIRE THIS SEAT IS SO FUCKING HOT!!! LET IT RIDE, MOTHERFUCKER!!! LET IT RIDE!!!

24. Oakland Raiders

They're bad. Not bad enough to lose to the Chiefs, but still really bad. If Al Davis knew what was good for him, he'd shut his old trap and let Lane Kiffen coach. I mean, D MacFad looks like the real deal, so let's see if they can improve a bit here. You're still in the top 75%. Shit, that easily passes the bar in most states. Keep pluggin' away for a couple of years and see what happens.

25. Atlanta Falcons

It was a good ride, eh Matt Ryan? I like what they're trying to do down there in Atlanta, but it'll take time to get better and flush out all of the turds in the pool. Patience, dirtybird fans. Patience.

26. Seattle Seahawks


That's the sound of me throwing up because there is no way that the Seahawks should be this high on the list. Oh well, at least they're guaranteed a win this week since they're playing the Rams. It should also have the restful effects of a bye week, what when you play a bunch of prissy little girls who laugh and flirt on the sidelines and go to fashion shows, like Steven Jackson does. Congrats on getting off the schinede, Hawks! Build on that 1-2 record!

27. Houston Texans

They are in an area totally devastated by a massive fucking hurricane. Water and crap is still just everywhere and no one has electricity or clean food or water right now. Debris litters the streets Their stadium's roof is still totally fucked, and it's been over a week.

And they're still better than the rest of these pathetic teams in the league. Hopefully they'll give the community something to rally behind here going forward. God knows they need something good in their lives.

28. Miami Dolphins

Like the Falcons, they're rebuilding, and like the Falcons, it will take time. Still, I'm extremely excited for the game between the Rams and the Dolphins in St. Louis over Thanksgiving. If the Dolphins aren't favored by double digits by then, it is the easiest money in the world. Enjoy it, folks.

29. Kansas City Chiefs

Eh. Young team, Herm probably isn't the right guy to lead them. Whatever. Next.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

Just quit already, Marvin Lewis. Lord knows your team has quit on you.

31. Detroit Lions

Same with you, Matt Millen and Rod Marinelli. Your sad devotion to that ancient Jon Kitna has not given you the clairvoyance to find the hidden Rebel base, nor the foresight to avoid...wait...slowly...choking...let...go...

[side note: did it ever bother anyone else in hindsight that Vader didn't finish off that guy he was choking in the very first Star Wars movie? I mean, here's a guy who's supposed to be the most evil motherfucker in the galaxy (other than Emperor Palpatine, of course) and who has no problem killing admiral after admiral in the next movie, and he won't even finish off the guy giving him shit at the board meeting because that weird-looking British guy orders him not to? Who the fuck is that guy to tell Vader what to do? Doesn't he know that Vader is NUMBER 2 IN THE FUCKING GALAXY, WITH MAGICAL FORCE POWERS THAT CAN KILL ANYONE INSTANTLY?!? I guess the only way to explain it is that Anakin Skywalker was kind of a puss, so that probably transferred over to Vader for the first 20 years or so, too. Fuck Darth Vader. What a puss.]

32. USC Trojans

Boy, they sure looked good beating the shit out of OSU last week, didn't they? Fuck you, Tressel. At least that should take OSU out of the national title discussion early this year, so that we can focus on more important things, like...

33. Missouri Tigers

...this fun-to-watch offensive juggernaut. They're going all the way this year, folks. Mark my words. Go ahead. Bookmark it. Shove it right in my face if I'm wrong.

34. The Smith College PowderPuff Football Team

Hey, at least they give an effort. Some of those broads can really move and block, too.

35. St. Louis Rams

What a fucking joke. I can't even bear to watch this team any more. I can't imagine that Scott Linehan will ever be a head coach again once he's (hopefully, and mercifully) fired two weeks from now. The more you read about how fucked up this team is, the more you become convinced that they will finish 0-16 unless major changes are made, fast. Apparently acting team president "King Ugly", Jay Zygmunt, is only concerned with gaining more and more power in the organization. St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnists Bernie Micklasz and Bryan Burwell have done a reat job of covering this fiasco, accusing Zygmunt of signing players based on how good of friends he is with their agents as opposed to...oh..I don't know...TALENT, YOU FAT FUCKING TOAD!!! YOU RUINED MY FOOTBALL TEAM, FUCKFACE!!! I HATE YOU!! I HAAAAAATE YOU!!!


-6.5 over Chiefs
BILLS -9.5 over Raiders
TITANS -4.5 over Texans
GIANTS -13 over Bengals
Cardinals +3 over REDSKINS
PATS -12.5 over Dolphins
BEARS -3 over Bucs
Panthers +3.5 over VIKINGS
SEAHAWKS -9.5 (hahahahaha) over Rams
Lions +4 over NINERS
BRONCOS -5.5 over Saints
Steelers + 3.5 over EAGLES
COLTS -5.5 over Jags
RAVENS -2 over Browns
Cowboys -3 over PACKERS
CHARGERS -8.5 over Jets

Last Week: 7-7-1
Season: 7-7-1

Questions? Comments? Want the home schedule for the Smith Powderpuff team? E-mail the Blogmogger team at

Friday, September 12, 2008

Week 2 NFL Power Rankings, Picks

Remember once upon a time, long, long ago when we actually wrote about sports? I mean, yes, the writing was still filled with the witty grabass that you all now know and love, but we used to write tons and tons on sports. Hell, we even got linked to by that blog that cranky old asshole Buzz Bissinger hates. However, over the past several months, we've strayed from the core of the site a bit, publishing a whole lotta politics and music and nothing, but we've been neglecting sports like it's Sarah Palin's granddaughter.

In an attempt to reverse the trend, I think I'm gonna try to do something that all of the fashionable sports blogs do--pick weekly NFL games. This time I'm even going to throw in power rankings for good measure since I have some time here. Last year I did quite well against the spread, beating Jamie by a decent margin in our weekly pick 'em pool. Before I say "fuck it" and move to Vegas, though, you must remember that when I was recently in Vegas, I bet on the Bears in the first half of a
preseason NFL game. That's right--preseason. You've never lived until you're just hoping for a Devin Hester runback every return because THE BEARS FUCKING OFFENSE SUCKS!!! THEY CAN'T EVER SCORE!!! FUCKING TERRIBLE!!!

On to the power rankings. Basically, it's just how good I think teams are at a given moment.

Power Rankings

1. Dallas Cowboys

They have a few bona-fide monsters (T.O., DeMarcus Ware, Marion "Psycho" Barber), and a QB who is fantastic up until the playoffs. Wade Phillips has proven he can lead this three ring circus pretty well. Unfortunately, I could be a lot more clever if I had watched Hard Knocks on HBO, but I'm saving that one until I get back home. Whatever. They're still the best in the league now--at least until playoff time.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

Easily the class of the AFC. I can't believe that more teams cannot follow this blueprint. Get a badass, hard-nosed, defense-first coach. Put together great lines on both sides of the ball. Get good-to-very good running backs and enough receivers to keep the opposing defense honest. Find a big, dumb-looking QB who apparently can't even get laid in Pittsburgh but who can manage a game with the best of them. I mean, it pisses me right off to see a team like the Rams bitch all off-season about injury woes on the offensive line, and then take a grand total of one offensive lineman in the draft. Fucking ridiculous. Anyway, the point is, some teams get it, and others don't. The Steelers are one of the teams that do.

3. New York Giants

"Oh, I'm an ESPN commentator, I'm just gonna bitch about how the Giants can't repeat without Strahan and Umenyiora. Snarf snarf! AFC East, AFC East, slobber, slobber, ohmigod...ohmigod...BRETT FAVRE!!!"

"Hey asshole, I'm DJGel. You forget that the Giants are actually COACHED WELL and HAVE PLAYERS THAT AREN'T LITTLE GIRLS. I mean, this isn't the Rams and Scott Linehan we're talking about here. They are still good."

[Pause. Quizical look]

"Snarf, Snarf?"

"Fucking unbelievable."

4. Buffalo Bills

They were pretty damn good in dismantling the "mighty" Seattle Seahawks. Granted, Seattle doesn't have anyone who can actually run while carrying a football, and they're down to like their 50th string receiver, but still, any time Trent Edwards puts up 34 points and shows that he can actually be an NFL QB is a good game in my book. Great start, and with the turmoil in the AFC East, they could take it. Just you wait.

5. Chicago Bears

The names "Kyle Orton" and "Matt Forte" don't exactly inspire confidence in an offense this bad. Still, they went into Indy and smacked up the Phillies...err...Colts pretty good. Maybe they'll have Devin Hester play every position, like that old Bugs Bunny baseball cartoon. A fine start for a bunch of nobodies.

6. New Orleans Saints

Boy, Reggie Bush really shut up his detractors, didn't he? Man, I'm glad that debate is finally over for all time. What a statement game. That one game can wash away all of the criticism, all of the detractors, and all of the stigma of NOT BEING ANY GOOD EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE PICKED FIRST OVERALL. Oh, and your girlfriend fucked some random guy, made a tape out of it, and put it on the internet. But way to go, Reg! Can I call you Reg?

Seriously, though, even though it sucks that Marcus Colston is out for a month or so, their greedy hoarding of receivers might finally pay off. Brees is still one of the best QBs out there, and their D is solid. I wouldn't want to play them.

7. Philadelphia Eagles

Way to beat up on the weak kid with asthma. Let's see if you can pick on someone your own size even though all of your wideouts are hurt.

8. NY Jets

See above. The Dolphins aren't quite as bad as the Rams, but they're close. By the way, did you hear that Brett Favre plays for the Jets now? Who woulda thought?

9. Denver Broncos

"Here we go, Den-ver, here we go!"

10. Tenessee Titans

Sure, their offense is suspect. And, granted, they have a suicidal QB. Still, they beat many a writer's pick to win the Superbowl (Jacksonville) despite all of that. There is something crazy about this team (other than Vince Young) that would really scare the shit out of me if I was playing them.

Chris Johnson looks like he's the real deal at RB, too. By the way, doesn't it seem like there are too many random running backs that are kind of good named Chris in the NFL? I've lost count. I think half of them were drafted by Tennessee, too, which makes it more difficult to sort them out. You could easily have a conversation that went like this:

"Hey did you see that Chris Johnson for Tennessee? Pretty good."

(laughing) "You mean Chris Brown, idiot! Chris Brown plays for Tennessee!"

"I know who you're thinking of--Chris Henry. No, they have a guy named Chris Johnson now, swear to God."


"You must mean Chris Perry with Cincinnati."


"Fuck it, let's get bombed!"

11. Indianapolis Colts

I guess it's time to start working in the disappointing good LOSERS from week 1. Man, what a bunch of LOSERS! Can't you LOSERS even win for your fans in your brand new stadium, LOSERS? What a bunch of LOSER assh...OH FUCK, IT'S MARVIN HARRISON, HE'S GOT A FUCKING GUN! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

12. Green Bay Packers

You mean the Packers played a game without Brett Favre? And they didn't spontaneously create a black hole that ripped a fabric in spacetime, ending all life in this solar system as we know it? And they even won the game?


13. Um...Arizona Cardinals?

Really? There's not a single better team than them right now? Are you kidding me? I mean, Kurt Warner is good and everything, but this high? To be fair, they are the odds-on favorites to win the NFC West right now. Seattle can't run, San Fran can't pass, and the Rams are, let's face it, the Rams. I have a feeling Ken Wisenhunt gets up in the morning and just stares at himself in a mirror for like half an hour, saying to himself, "Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard! You may survive this yet!"

On a related note, former frat star Matt Leinart may be living on borrowed time in Arizona. What an obnoxious prick. Hey asshole, it's fine if you want to fuck every piece of ass in Arizona, but don't bitch about losing your starting job to a two-time MVP because you're unprepared. What a dick.

14. Minnesota Vikings

They lost in week 1, but I still wouldn't want to play them, what with the whole Adrian Peterson and great defense thing. Even if TAVARIS JACKSON REALLY, REALLY SUCKS BAD!!! I mean find a QB already, folks.

15. Jacksonville Jaguars

Cue up the Rob Lowe/Stone Phillips impersonation from SNL: "The Jacksonville Jaguars: Early season hiccup? Or slowly crumbling team with a two year window for success? You decide." I'll hold judgment for another week.

16. New England Patriots

There hasn't been an injury to shake things up this badly in a long, long time. Not only did they lose their starting QB, who happened to be the best in the league, but the team's handsome quotient also went down by almost 75%. No team has ever survived a drop in HQ like that--ever! Look at the 2000 St. Louis Baseball Cardinals and Slick Rick Ankiel if you need more proof. It doesn't exactly inspire confidence when the backup spent four years learning from Matt Leinart, of all people. I mean, if you're the quarterback of the New England Patriots, you have to be ready to fuck any hot chick at any time, no questions asked--not stand there and talk to the leftover, weird-looking ones like fucking Turtle from Entourage. I'm putting them squarely in the middle until we see if this douchebag can play.

17. Cleveland Browns

Tough draw week 1 against the Cowboys. Still, Derek Anderson did not look good. I don't think "Lady" Quinn is the answer, either, though he's in a better position to succeed with a year under his belt than, say, Alex Smith was. The problem is, they simply cannot cover a passing team. Period. That is the one part of their squad that is Rams-level bad--the secondary. Everything else is pretty good to great, but if they run into a team like the Colts, they're fucked.

18. Atlanta Falcons

I dislike Matt Ryan. I think he is one of the most inaccurate, fragile, non-clutch performers in ACC history. But goddamnit, he can play in the NFL. I mean, shit, if their running game is this good every week, who needs the guy to throw, anyway? Actually, isn't that what Falcons fans always said about Michael Vick, too? And Chris Chandler, before him?

19. Baltimore Ravens

Joe Flacco was my favorite QB in the 2008 Draft, and he did just fine in his first performance for the blackbirds. Of course, Troy Smith is set to start this week. I trust this Harbaugh character as a coach--at least he seems like he actually gives a fuck and tries to motivate his players, unlike most of the shitty coaches in the league. They are in what might be the toughest division in football, but they still could go like 8-8 or 9-7: which this year might be good enough to sneak in as a 5 or 6 seed.

20. San Diego Chargers

Have you ever had a really bad zit? Imagine if you took one of those and fed it steroids every day for a couple of years. I mean, you really roid it up, bad. Eventually, maybe it grows into a third arm, and you're thinking, this is great! I can do so much more now with my extra arm than without it! You're juggling 7, 8 balls in the air, lifting heavier boxes--things are really going great for you. Now, imagine somebody lances that zit arm. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Shawne Merriman-less San Diego Chargers!

Oh, did I mention that I hate that rah rah asshole Phillip Rivers? I do.

21. Carolina Panthers

I have a stronger, more accurate arm than Jake Delhomme at this point. I can throw the ball a good 25 yards in the air--on the fly! Let's see you do that, Jake. I mean, they won in week 1, but we'll see if that continues once teams start stacking the line and playing everyone within 15 yards of the line of scrimmage.

22. Cincinnati Bengals

Poor Carson Palmer. He's on this team of freak show assholes, his running back gets cut days before the start of the season, and he still can't walk without a limp. At least Chad Ocho Cinco is cool, though he was a lot cooler before the dumb ass name change. The whole thing reeks of those pictures with
Jim Carrey in the women's swimsuit --your time has passed, buddy. I know you're desperate, but just sit back, relax, and fuck Jenny McCarthy senseless.

23. Houston Texans

My friend Billy is a big Falcons fan, and he always was clamoring for the Falcons to start Matt Schaub while Michael Vick was there. Of course, it looks like he was horribly wrong and Schaub, in fact, sucks really badly. Good luck with that huge contract, Texans!

24. Tampa Bay Bucs

No receivers. Piss poor running game. Injured, extremely effeminate quarterback. Creaky, aging, defense.

And I STILL like them better than a quarter of the teams in the league. What a shitty year for the NFL.

25. Miami Dolphins

At least Bill Parcells gets it. Build on the line, get Chad Pennington to hold the offense together for a couple of years until you find a QB, and get rid of poisonous former stars while they still have value (Jason Taylor). It may take a year or two, but the Fins may dig out of this one yet. They're still gonna need a lot of shovels, but they'll get there eventually. They're at least a "scary" bad team, who can beat a "good" team on any given week, or at least give them fits. Really, after last year, that's all you can ask, right Jamie?

26. Seattle Seahawks

Ugh. Even though I just hate them generally, they are even worse without bad old Shawn Alexander carrying the rock. It's gonna be a loooooooooong year in the NFC West, folks.

27. Washington Redskins

Jim Zorn seems like a very nice man. The problem is, HIS OFFENSE DOESN'T FUCKING WORK!!! Also, Jason Campbell might not be the answer at QB. I hesitate to say this because whenever you even suggest that Jason Campbell might not be good to any Skins fan, they act like you called their mother a fucking bitch and spit in their face. I'm sorry, guys, but I just don't see it.

28. Kansas City Chiefs

Another example of a team that can't put together an offense. I mean, Damon Huard? Seriously? Larry Johnson is finished, and Dwayne Bowe seems to be their only weapon at all. At least they concede this and are trying to rebuild the whole thing, though, rather than trying desperately to hold on to rapidly fading years of past glory, unlike some teams (cough, cough...RAMS!...cough, cough)

29. San Francisco 49ers

Mike Nolan is desperately trying to save his job. Mike Martz desperately wants it, but he can't outright tank games, or else they'll think he's incompetent, too. So, the best scenario for Mad Mike is a bunch of high-scoring losses. He should do well with that--shit, he did it all the time in St. Louis. He can even do it with a big smile on his face while saying, "Go fuck yourself" to Alex Smith and shaking his hand--he's that fucking talented.

30. Oakland Raiders

At least they can be cool and fun to watch. Darren McFadden is a cool guy, and JaMarcus Russell throws those long rainbows with the best of them. However, until Al Davis realizes he can't run a football team anymore, these guys will suck.

31. Detroit Lions

Get that resume ready, Rod Marinelli! Wait, Jon Kitna ISN'T GOOD AT ALL? Who would've thought? Oh,
except me. [Ed's Note: Be sure to skip over the part about Tom Brady in that article. I still know what I'm talking about--honest!]

32. St. Louis Rams

Could it be any other? I've heard them called the "AAA" team of the NFL. There is absolutely no hope for this squad until John Shaw and Jay Zygmunt are fired. It's that simple. I don't think either of them really "does" anything. Best I can tell, they sit around all day have ugly contests at Rams park. "Oh yeah, Jay? I'm gonna take off my shirt. Wait 'til you see my liver spots--now THAT'S ugly!"
. Oh, and Scott Linehan must be fired, too, and a lot of the veterans need to be cut because they are toxic. By far the worst team in the league--I don't see any way they win one game this year.

Picks for Week 2:

-3.5 over Raiders
Titans +1 over BENGALS
Colts -2 over VIKINGS
Saints -1 over REDSKINS
Packers -3 over LIONS
PANTHERS -3 over Bears
Giants -9 WAY, WAY over RAMS
Bills +5 over JAGUARS
Falcons +7 over BUCS
Niners +6.5 over SEAHAWKS
CARDS -6.5 over Dolphins
JETS -1 over Pats
TEXANS -4.5 over Ravens
BRONCOS +1 over Chargers
Steelers -6.5 over BROWNS
COWBOYS -6.5 over Eagles

Season: 0-0

Questions? Comments? Think you know better? E-mail the Blogmogger team at

Monday, September 08, 2008

Fuck Yeah, Rams!

[Ed's Note: After the stirring performance in Week One of the NFL by the hometown St. Louis Rams, one Rams fan was motivated enough to write an opus dedicated to how valient the team was in their 35-3 "almost win" at Philadelipia yesterday. Electing to be identified only as "Ultimate Rams Apologist," he chronicled some of the early trends he sees from this year's hometown 22. Enjoy. -DJGel)

Way to go, fellas! Almost had 'em. At least we know a few things about the Male Sheep after that first game:

CHRIS LONG IS THE REAL DEAL: Did you guys see him deal with those single-teams all day? Man, he was all over the place, making plays and sacking D Mac. I haven't looked at the stats yet, but I'd be surprised if D Mac even got 100 yards against such a fearsome pass rush. He is just a raw, uncacged beast out there--hungrier than almost any rookie I've ever seen, stopping only to feast on opposing QBs. What a monster. Look out, NFL!

THE OFFENSE IS MUCH, MUCH BETTER THIS YEAR: Man, Bulger was ON FIRE the whole fucking game! It was like the Greatest Show on Turf was finally back again, to the point where I heard circus music and saw a bear with a tutu doing the bob 'n weave with a lion and a bearded lady after that field goal. And let's not forget Steven Jackson--that is money well-spent right there, folks. What a gamer. Talk about good: he is fucking great--let's put him in the hall of fame right now! What a fantastic move to tie the team's fortunes to Jackson and Marc Bulger for the next few years--I don't even think Faulk and Warner were EVER as good of a combo. And that line! Man, they are great. THIS is why we only needed to draft one offensive lineman this past year! What inspired play--I haven't seen a line deal so well with blitz pickups since the French Army in WWII! Amazing!

THE DEFENSE IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE OFFENSE: Aside from the stand-out play of Chris Long, the rest of the defense was AMAZING. D Mac didn't have anyone to even think about throwing to before the amazing pass rush (led by Long, obviously the triumphant star of the game) came barrelling down on him. The corners were great--ESPECIALLY Tye Hill--what a bullet we dodged there 3 years ago when we almost took fucking Jay Cutler! Boy would I have had egg on my face if we would have picked Cutler instead of the greatest young cover corner in the fucking league! And the passion and intensity these guys play with is AMAZING! I have never seen a hungrier team out there than the Rams. Which leads me to:

SCOTT LINEHAN IS A MASTER MOTIVATOR: Belichick who? I think we have the real successor to VInce Lombardi with us right here in St. Louis. Did you even see the fire this team played with--the sheer reckles abandonment they exhibited on both sides of the ball? I think it's safe to say that not only would any player, nay MAN (which is obviously what all the players are--true men) on the squad take a bullet for "Coach L," as they affectionately call him, but they would also throw their families in front of any danger to protect the strategic and motivational genius from impending harm. He is the single most indispensable part of this team right now--I cannot even imagine if the team tried to fire coach Linehan. The reaction in the locker room would be one of outrage and sheer anger!

Overall, it was a fantastic first game for the horned gods of the gridiron, with only a couple of minor hiccups. Once they iron those out, though, victory against the defending champ New York Giants next week is basically inevitable. It sucks that I have sure-to-not-score-any points-next-week Eli Manning on my fantasy squad--with the pressure from Long and the great coverage skills of our defense, he'll be hard-pressed to put up anything in the positive column.

Prediction: Rams 55, "Little" Giants 3

Sunday, September 07, 2008

CamPAIN '08: The Tickets (and Endorsement)

Well, I'm back again. Another week, another vacation. At this moment, I am sitting comfortably in that cosmopolitan metropolis that is New York City. Being from the Midwest, it's a bit crazy to see all these big, tall, fancy concrete buildins with lotsa windas when I look outside.

By the way, big thanks to the other contributors for keeping this thing going in my absence. The flood of new material on the site is so voluminous it will satisfy even the most ardent Friend of the Mog for weeks to come. Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.

I thought I'd break out the old CamPAIN '08 tag again since the two candidates have finally assembled their respective tickets. Since I've been in Europe for a week-and-a-half, and the only shit to watch on tv in English was CNN and CNBC, I've been over-exposed to the goddamned convention coverage to the point where I think I can finally make a choice as to who I will throw my (hefty) support behind.

On to the tickets.


This pick is one of the all-time head-scratchers. It really made my decision in November a lot easier for one simple reason.

I hate Sarah Palin.

There, I finally said it. It feels good. Really good. Yes, let the hate guide me...gooooooooood. Goooooooooood.

Old Colonel Tigh really shit the bed on this one. I guess he was trying to find a suitable Laura Roslyn for his campaign. Maybe that's the secret--his staffers just sit around, watching Battlestar Galactica all day. Fucking insane.

First of all, let's get the biggest thing out of the way--her accent is the most fucking annoying sound I've ever heard in my life. Everyone keeps saying how she really hit her speech out of the park, but all I could hear during the parts that I saw was Principal Victoria from South Park, or maybe Sue from the original Survivor. Goddamn. Could you imagine having Palin bitching at you as her husband or son constantly? I would fucking go insane! "Cleeeeeean up your ruum!" "Herry aaaahp, whydoncha?!?" "blah, blah, blah, stupid bullshit, blah, blah, blah." I mean, no wonder her kids are rebelling, going out, and getting knocked up.

Now, before you all turn on me, think long and hard (pardon the pun) about how the Republicans would handle the situation if one of Barry's girls was a bit older and pregnant. It would be all "family values this," and "Jesus saves that." They would be fucking ruthless. So no, I have no problem making fun of a person for, who all intents and purposes in most states, is of the age where she knows what she's doing when she gets in the back of the moose sled (or whatever the fuck they use to get around in Alaska) with the top lumberjack's son and a bottle of grain alcohol and no rubbers. Ridiculous.

If this isn't bad enough, there are now allegations that she is a book banner! [Ed's note: more comprehensive story on Palin HERE]. There is nothing that bothers me more than fucking censorship. As the editor for this site, I have to (or had to at one point, as the case may be. Fucking slackers.) juggle a wide variety of views on a wide variety of topics, many of which had profane subject matter. However, other than telling my writers to avoid any kind of blind racism, I pretty much give them carte blanche to write whatever they want. Shit, I even thought long and hard about limiting any of them at all in what they say, because the First Amendment is so fucking important to me. What do I care if one of the contributors continually submits long rants about the "oppression of the white man" that I'm forced to leave out (bonus points if you can guess which one in the comments)? I've never understood these religious wahoos who want to ban every book in sight. Uh, if you all want to live in ignorant bliss and control what your kid reads until he's 18, that's fine. Just don't impose your Nazi ideals on the rest of us. Could it be that they're afraid that their kids will read some of this stuff and decide that it's better than the fairy-tale, pyramid scheme that they're pushing? [In Yosemitie Sam voice ] Oooooooooooooh it gets me boilin' mad!

At any rate, this lunatic book burner who has no discernible experience in any important area is now within a stroke, heart attack, or tumor of the White House? Second only to a guy who is older than Ron Reagan was when he was inaugurated? My God.

Another point: after Palin's speech, the Republicans pulled in $1 million from interested donors--not too terribly much in today's world of big-money politics. The Democrats, on the other hand, raked in a more impressive $10 million in donations. Now, I'm no fancy big-city political advisor, but when your own vice presidential candidate causes the other side to outraise you by a ten-to-one margin, it can't be good for business. Still, good choice, though.


Barry, on the other hand, did not go with a lunatic left-winger to "energize the base" (sorry Howard Dean). Unlike McCain, he did not go with an attractive person from a key region with a sex scandal brewing in their personal life (sorry John Edwards). Instead, he made the relatively safe choice of "Uncle" Joe Biden.

Uncle Joe is "safe" because he "connects with the blue collar base." In other words, rednecks relate to him because he drives a truck. Unfortunately, he also has one of the biggest fucking mouths in the world on him. I'm amazed that the Republicans haven't put out a series of ads with all of the sound bites of Biden saying that Obama isn't ready to lead compiled into one. Of course, maybe they know that that would open them up to a commercial that begins with a warm, cozy-looking fireplace. Suddenly, a book flies in from off camera. Then another. As they sit smoldering, and tears well up in the viewer's eyes, a single sound pierces the eerie silence: "Haaney, we aarent gonna need maare woood, eh? This Maark Twain burns just aaas good, donchathink?", followed by a big "PALIN" in big fucking block letters. That would be a hell of an ad.

What really gets me is that the Democrats are (predictably) rolling over on Palin's whole record and everything, simply because of 1) her daughter, and 2) at least according to CNN International, every Brit in the world seems to think that her speech is the greatest since Churchill's "Iron Curtain" speech. I mean, it's fine if you want to be bigger than the Republicans would be and take the high road on something like her daughter's pregnancy, despite the fact that she's one of the biggest "family values" supporters out there. It's another thing to not hammer her on all of this crazy shit that is being touched on briefly by all of the media outlets. I mean, come on, sack up, already, Dems! It's like the Democrats are the nerdy kid on the playground, and the bully Republicans promise every day not to beat the shit out of them. Every day, the nerd believes them, and every day, he gets the shit kicked out of him, badly, and goes crying to the principal about it. They go home every night and take solace in their weak parents telling them to "be a bigger person" about it and "turn the other cheek," when instead, they need to bulk the fuck up, get some boxing lessons, and come out swinging themselves. Until the Democrats understand that, they'll continue to lose elections that they have no business losing.

On another note, is it just me, or does Biden's hair finally look a bit better? For the longest time, he had a ridiculous, Donald Trump-esque thinning comb-back that made him look like an absolute clown. I am convinced to this day that that head of hair was one of the main things that always stood between him and a serious White House bid. Now, though, it looks a bit better. Sure, he has the bald spot on top, and sure it looks a bit tacky, but maybe he had a little help from Hans Weimann, or at least the kind people at Rogaine. Let's hope it's not Propecia, though--that shit can really fuck with your pecker.

Don't get me wrong, Biden can come off as a sleazy, used-car salesman at times. He really seems fried in the seeping oil of Washington politics. But at least he's not a fucking book-burner, and at least he'd have some clue as to what to do if the worst were to happen to Barry.

After all of the bullshit at each of the conventions, I'm ready to throw my support behind the Obama-Biden ticket. If they are elected, maybe, just maybe, this website will continue to live on. Or not, if others don't contribute. Fuck it, I don't know.

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