Sunday, November 23, 2008

Lost Bloggin': Season 4 Recap

It only took me 6 months, but I'm finally putting up the Lost Bloggin' 1/2 Man 1/2 Am-Asian and I did right after the Season 4 Finale in the spring. Why now? Well, the promos are already starting, and I'm getting a little stir-crazy here waiting for 1-21-09. Also, I had this in the can, and I didn't feel like writing a whole new column. Rest assured, we'll be back for a Season 5 preview here at some point. Until then, enjoy. -DJGel

DJGel: Well, Dave, first of all, I have to say, damned glad to have you back. As you can see, we mad a couple of changes while you were gone—we subbed in another half-Asian American for you, but he apparently only writes hockey columns, so it was good to hear that you would be interested in a return to blogging.

That said, there was a lot that went on here over the course of Season 4 of Lost. We found out about the time-distorting nature of the island, what the fuck a constant is, and, perhaps most importantly, what a sensitive, tender lover Goodwin was, and how creepy and…err… “fabulous” Ben Linus can be in courting a girl. Instead of doing the traditional recap, followed by thoughts, I thought I would ditch the recap, since it would probably be around 5,000 words, and just go right into a dialogue with regard to some of my favorite theories going forward, and we can also deal with some of your ideas as we get to them. Let’s begin:

Favorite Overall Theory:

DJGel: The island is an ancient Alien spaceship that, through the years, has become an actual geographic island. I know this one is gaining steam on some of the message boards out there, but think about it for a second—how else would the fucking thing be able to move through space (and time?) like it does? If this is true, it begs the question as to why these aliens would use wooden machinery and weird hieroglyphics. I guess the best thing I can come up with is it is some ancient civilization’s attempt to control whatever weird alien technology they found. Then again, it could just be that this civilization just really had their shit together. What do you think?

½ Man: Well, I certainly think this has as much traction as the various TV and movie plots that suggest an ancient alien civilization helped create the Egyptian pyramids. Whether the island is a “spaceship” per se is debatable, but after Ben broke through to the snowy cave it seems safe to say that something lurks beneath the island’s tropical surface. Not to get too facetious with this theory, but wouldn’t it be great if this was all part of the new Scientology agenda in Hollywood. Now, I know very little about the Church of the Latter-day Tom Cruises but I think there’s something about a spaceship being brought to earth by some overlord named Xenu (Jacob?) whereupon he kills all of earth’s original inhabitants (the original islanders). The spirits of those killed continue to influence the living. There’s probably an allegory for Lost in there somewhere. I think we could do worse than a series finale of knowing John Travolta – a notable Scientologist and aviation enthusiast – piloting another Oceanic flight with a new batch of doe-eyed Losties into the Bermuda Triangle that surrounds the recently-moved island. Wait, what?

The Smoke Monster:

DJGel: Somehow, I think it ties into the whole alien thing. It probably is what has sort of become Jack’s Alcoholic Father on the island, but it also might just be Ben’s big watchdog. Maybe Ben “sets it loose” on certain people who aren’t looking out for the island’s best interests or some shit like that. Of course, I’m talking about Mr. Eko. I guess that’s the one hole in my theory—why did the thing kill Eko and the Pilot if it’s just out to protect the island from harm? Huh.

½ Man: If we run with the alien theory, I think you have to account for the “spiritual” side of the story, specifically Jacob and the way dead people seem to keep popping up. The Smoke Monster could be some sort of conglomerate of the spirits of people that come to the island – maybe they can’t leave the bubble that seems to encompass the island? – and can disperse and reform when needed. Obviously, Smokey has a mean streak which seems to coincide with either general protection of the island or when people have reached a sort of stasis; for example, Eko got killed after he had repented for his past deeds. And in case you didn’t notice, my Scientology theory is gaining credibility. I’m just sayin’.

Locke in the Coffin

DJGel: I really didn’t see this one coming—I think that most people expected it to be Michael or Ben, so I have to admit, when I heard that familiar creepy voice in the funeral parlor, I was brimming with anticipation. Either that or I really had to take a piss, I don’t know. I’m sorry that Locke is gone, and the more I think about it, it would be a huge cop-out to have a “oh look he’s back on the island so he’s alive now” moment, but they have to work him back in at some point, right? Even if it’s flashbacks or as a ghost like Jack’s Alcoholic Father.

½ Man: Locke has to be in flashbacks at some point; that’s all there is to it. Although everything is still shrouded in mystery, the style of Lost is pretty demonstrative. Obviously, Locke left the island and told the Oceanic 6 that they need to go back. He said that “bad stuff” was happening and we need to know how he left – could’ve been another wheel turn or by boat – and Lost always shows that stuff, an expository dialogue will not suffice. I’d like to think that Locke tries to rule the island benevolently but ultimately becomes another Ben as that is what’s required. Unfortunately, that also eventually requires another turn of the wheel. This theory raises its own problems, though; Ben said that he could not return to the island after turning the wheel yet he tells Jack that he needs to bring Locke back with him to the island. It didn’t seem like this would involve circumventing the island’s rules so one might deduce that Locke didn’t turn the wheel. Additionally, I think Sayid implied that Locke probably got murdered and Widmore or Ben are the only ones that come to mind that would do that. Why? I have no concrete idea but he’s done his share of dirty deeds to warrant a hit by either.

The “Bad Stuff” Happening Since the Island Moved

DJGel: A couple of theories on this one. One is that the time sickness is involved somehow. Recall that Ben said that the last time he had to move the island was like 15 years ago. Also recall that that’s right fter Rousseau landed on the island and her expedition members got “sick.” Until now, everybody thought that she was just a total fucking insane lunatic who killed her colleagues, and though that may be true, maybe they all got the time sickness from the last time Linus had to move the island. What would make this great is, because of all of the random, past interactions with other characters on the show, most of the characters could act as each others’ constants, if you will, which might add a nice wrinkle or two to the storyline.

The other theory is that the island goes back in the past 3 (or more) years, so that somehow the castaways that are left will see the plane crash again, and it’ll be revealed that future Sawyer, Juliet, and the gang were actually creeping around the island this entire time. An interesting theory, for some more reasons that will be mentioned in a paragraph or so.

½ Man: In one way or another, it goes without saying that time plays an important role in the mythology of Lost. Therefore, it seems reasonable to infer that a move in space also involves a move in time. (It’s almost as if space … and time … are intertwined. Hm.) Unfortunately, if Sawyer and the gang went back in time there could be a lot of problems because of the time traveling paradox; you know, if Sawyer kills himself then he wouldn’t be around to kill himself and so on. Then again, maybe that’s why multiple Sawyers are never seen together, because old Sawyer knows he cannot influence new Sawyer for fear of disrupting the time loop. This plot could be quite satisfying but has a huge risk for plot-holes.

Regarding the time sickness theory, I think that could be part of a larger idea that the island gets disrupted when it has to move. All types of wild, formally dormant shit starts happening. If there’s one thing we’ve learned so far it is that deviation from some otherworldly, preordained path is not met with a warm reception. I mean, if I were Xenu, I wouldn’t want people messing with the thetans. Or something.

Linus v. Widmore

DJGel: Is Widmore really the “bad” guy? Or is Ben just as “bad”? What are these two guys doing? At times, I like to think that they’re just playing a real-life version of Risk, with each of their agents (like Sayid) representing an “army,” if you will. The best part would be, it would have a “Trading Places”-esque frivolity to the whole thing—two really rich guys fucking with people’s lives just for the fuck of it. I don’t know—it’d be kind of cool.

½ Man: Clearly there is a human element to all of this. Ben says that Widmore “changed the rules” when his minion killed Alex and I can’t think of why he would say that unless they had some sort of understanding between them. There seems to be a Cain and Abel feel to this where Ben stayed with the island and tried to lead his people while Widmore maybe used the island’s power to gain power and wealth and now wants to control the island. Well, this comparison would work a lot better if Abel was as much of a ruthless prick as Cain. Anyway, Ben and Widmore seem to be cut from the same cloth but with different motivations.

The Faraday Problem

DJGel: What happened to Dan Faraday? Here’s my guess: he got sent into the past with the band of redshirts on the ferry—no more than three years in the past, though. Recall that ending in “The Constant” where his notebook says, “If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant.” Well, where is Desmond now? Way the fuck away from the island. But he is on the island in a “when” sense, for the previous three years. Thus if they all got sent back in time, Faraday would be able to find Desmond in the hatch and “re-anchor” himself. My only other shred of evidence was around the third viewing of the finale, Charlotte said something right as he was about to leave like, “See you when you get back,” and Faraday replied, “Yeah, when I get back.” It was kind of subtle, but I think it was intended to convey something like that. Also, I think there’s a good chance that the boat picks up a still-living Jin, who may have to go through a similar process.

½ Man: It could go either way but Desmond has to be his key to salvation. That could be not getting time sickness, anchoring himself in time, or just finding the island. It’s hard to imagine the show has enough time to devote to Faraday having his own unique, somewhat removed storyline so it seems logical that he will be back on the island in one way or another.

Miles, Charlotte, Others?

DJGel: I threw this one out there as a general catch-all for these people that we still don’t know too much about. I mean, for all of the focus on the Others in season 3, we still don’t really know what the fuck they do, other than traipsing around in the jungle, killing badass soldiers, and wearing mascara, to boot. Charlotte may have been a Dharma kid, and Miles is (I’m guessing) a personal favorite of yours, but what do they really bring to the table here?

½ Man: Unfortunately for me, my better half, as it were, does favor Miles. (I am who I am, deal with it!) However, I was a fan of this crazy-eyes Asian guy from when he did a turn as a crazy-eyes Asian guy on The Sopranos. Anyway, Miles seems to have some psychic abilities like when he could tell that Ben was bluffing about not being able to get him $3.2 million. He also seemed to sense Rousseau’s and Alex’s boyfriend’s bodies were buried when no one else did. I tend to think he and Charlotte were both Dharma kids who, like Locke, weren’t the chosen one but were gifted, especially when on the island. Maybe Locke, Miles, Charlotte, and others will form some kind of Justice League with their respective powers over the next seasons.

Going Forward?

DJGel: Two more seasons, and a lot of places to go still. There are tons of unanswered questions remaining, and not too much time to get to them. I think that season 5 is going to mirror 4 insomuch as it will have on-island flashbacks and off-island flash-forwards. I do think that the off-island stuff is going to have a bit of a Wizard of Oz feel to it, with Jack (predictably) playing the role of Dorothy with a great deal of panache. I hope to God they get back by the end of the year, since it’d be too boring and too filler-ish to stretch it out too much longer. I dunno. Thoughts?

½ Man: You’re right about the general style of season 5: Due to the show’s philosophy of show-not-tell, we have to see what got so goofed up on the island after the move and what really turned Jack so depressive. I imagine the next season involves Jack getting the rest of the 6 back to the island, although Jack’s the only one that wants to go back. I won’t prognosticate past this next season except that it’s all about Scientology.

DJGel: We shall see. Thanks Dave. Great stuff as always.

Questions? Comments? Think you're crazier than we are? E-mail the Blogmogger Team at

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sorry JSugar

I just noticed that I passed JSugar on total blogmogger posts. Most fans of the blog would probably think, "I guess JSugar moved on to something else. He's probably too busy being a lawyer to worry about writing for a lightly viewed blog." Logical theory that could fit if it wasn't entirely WRONG! I surmise that he has been sitting next to his computer, shivering in a cold sweat of writer's block for the past year. At best he struggles to keep his depression at bay for 50 hours a week so he can go into work and keep his job. But when he gets home its back to his own personal writer's block hell. Most likely he drinks heavily. At first he thought it might spark some "inspiration". But now it kills the pain just enough for him to make it through the day. By this point he probably has dressed up a mop and bucket and pretends it is his "wife". "I should have never left my last husband for you, JSugar! He would've came up with a statistical model for predicting NBA teams sucess and written ten columns by now! ARE YOU EVEN A MAN!??!?!?!"

Anyways, the important thing is to celebrate all the columns I wrote. That is why I drink heavily in celebration, and my "wife" treats me nice...real nice.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Assorted Musings 11/19/2008

Hey, I know it's been a while since I posted anything. So fucking sue me. The Unit and Big Baby have been doing quite an admirable job of filling in for the past couple of months, so I figured it was about time I came back for a post about...well...absolutely nothing, actually. Since Jamie doesn't post any more, I figure that I have a responsiblity to dish out some random bullshit in a column I like to call: ASSORTED MUSINGS!

-Fuck the U.S. car industry. I read somewhere that the Big 3 pay their workers (including benefits) $78/hour. Toyota in the states pays their workers like $38/hr including benefits. The article said that Chevy workers can make like $80,000 a year for installing a fucking steering wheel! I'm sorry, but that is insane. The worst part about the article was that these hoosiers had the gaul to comment on the article saying how much they deserved the $80,000 a year. Uh, fellas, I've got law school classmates making far less than that out of school. Just because you do a job the Japanese taught a robot to do for free ten years ago doesn't mean that you're forever entitled to sit there and drink beer and attach steering wheels. Unless you can attach a steering wheel better than a robot in this day and age, you're obsolete. Deal with it.

-Fuck sore loser Sarah Palin, too. I'm sick of her face. I know a bunch of Republicans act like she's fucking Marissa Miller or something, but let's be honest: she's a marginally attractive 40-something whose looks are made moot by her outrageous, borderline psychotic political views. Too bad Teddy Stevens lost his senate seat, lady. Otherwise you would've been able to get your mug on tv for another 6 years.

-Speaking of the election, I'm sure that the luctrative Blogmogger endorsement is what pushed Barack over the top. Now, Mr. President, I've got a back that needs scratching...

-I'm sick of guys who make the joke of when a guy with an extremely hairy midsection isn't wearing a shirt in the summer and they say something to the effect of, "Hey, man, aren't you hot with that sweater on?!?" I invented that bit in the spring of 2005 and it's played out, OK?

-I recently was able to secure a row of 3 seats on both legs on a roundtrip flight to see the girlfriend, while numerous other people on the flight sat packed in like sardines all around me. Was I a bit remorseful? Not even in the slightest.

-Mad Men is a good series. I'm through like 5 eps of season 1--good stuff. Things were a lot simpler in the 50s, weren't they?

-Apparently the Lost Season 4 trailer is out--not a chance in hell I'm watching it though. 1/2 Man 1/2 Am-Asian and I did a season 4 recap that I'll get around to posting one of these days, too...

-Pick Up Artist 2 is not as good as the original. These kids seem really dense most of the time, and don't remember anything Mystery tells them. What a shame Rian got kicked off this past week. I thought the kid was really hitting his stride. By the way, Mystery seems to have this obsession with guys' looks that is...well...a bit odd. Last season, every episode was, "Brady, you can't just get by on your looks..." Now, it seems like he has a giant hard-on for Greg. What the fuck, man?

-Finally, I used to think that I could watch Seinfeld episodes forever without getting bored. Recently, though, I've turned a corner. I just really am not that interested in them anymore. It's still obviously a great show, "very funny," as horrible comedian Frank Caliendo might say in a bad George W. Bush voice. I just go through these phases where it doesn' can I put this..."tickle my fancy" anymore. Wait, that came out a bit queer. doesn't...ugh...really? I can't think of anything better than "tickle my fancy?" Is this some kind of fucked up joke? I AM A FUCKING WRITER! WORDS ARE THE IRON THAT I CRAFT INTO HORSESHOES!!!! I CAN'T DO BETTER THAN SOME DUMBASS OUTDATED FUCK-UP TERM!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCKKKKKK!!!!!!

Questions? Comments? Anybody reading any more? E-Mail the BlogMogger team at

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pujols MVP Reaction Post

Well sportswriters you picked the right man for NL MVP this year. You really fucked it up in 2006, but you got it right this year. I wouldn't say that it redeems you for 2006, but...but nothing it really doesn't redeem you people at all. I'm just going to come right out and talk about the White Elephant in the room, PUJOLS SHOULD HAVE THREE MVPs! We all know it. Thanks for finally learning about On-Base and Slugging percentage. "Moneyball" came out like eight years ago and you finally figured it out. No sweat though, its only your job to know about that stuff. I mean I knew about it for eight years and everyone else that is a somewhat involved fan knew about it for eight years, but whatever its only your job.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Election Reaction

I know the election was a long time ago, but I just wanted to make a reaction post about it. Since I'm not making prediction posts for awhile, I have to settle for reaction posts. I'm already noticing that these reaction posts are way more boring. Instead of getting to make things up about events that haven't take place, I have to write about shit that's already happened. Why would anyone want to read about stuff that has already happened? Why would they care what I have to say about it? Well, shit...I guess there's really no need to write this thing. There goes five minutes of my life I'll never be getting back.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

World Series Reaction

Boy, that World Series was suprising. The Phillies sure made a fool out of me. It feels bad. I seemed like a sure thing with my predictions. The couple readers of Blogmogger may have bet large sums of money on the Rays. Maybe they even had a family to support and they figured they could do it with their World Series wager instead of having a real job, every man's dream. Who could blame them? Then I fucked it all up for them. Now they'll have to kill their families and become alchoholics. Sure, they could try to get a job or take out loans, but we all know in the end they will have to kill their family. Maybe Ronald Reagan wasn't responsible for all the homeless people, maybe its people like me who can sway the way people bet on professional sports. I guess we'll never know. I'll have to think long and hard before I start predicting the outcome of professional sporting events again. I guess I'll start getting drunk and watching "Two for the Money" until I learn my lesson.