Saturday, June 13, 2009
No, my dear friends, instead it is to point out a painfully obvious truth. A truth that becomes more and more self-evident by the day.
American kids are huge, huge pussies.
I guess it’s not really their own faults. It’s all of you parents out there that continually coddle these kids by trying to ban dodgeball, or tag, or any touching of any kind. It’s the dumb-ass soccer leagues that don’t keep score in an effort to make sure that “nobody loses.” It’s the stupid notion that “everyone deserves a trophy.”
Guess what, folks? In the real world, people lose. You aren’t necessarily going to make the football team in high school. You aren’t going to necessarily get into whatever college you want. Especially when you’re out in the real world and (God-forbid) have a job, you aren’t going to be able to tell them “But…but…but I thought everybody wins!” as they’re shoving your shit into a cardboard box and telling you to “Fuck off!” while shaking your hand.
Now, fortunately, I have a job, and I’ve been able to keep it thus far. Unfortunately, though, a fair number of my colleagues have lost theirs, largely for reasons outside of their control. At this horrible time in our history, when the unemployment rate is around 10% or so, it is unrealistic to continue the charade that “everyone wins.”
I guess I attribute my feelings somewhat to my own grade school experience. Believe it or not, I was not always the finely tuned athlete that I am at present. I was a bit pudgy, and generally weak as hell when I was a kid. However, I developed some aptitude for grade school sports. Why? Because I didn’t want to be the snot-nosed puss sitting on the sidelines after getting hit, that’s why! By the time I was in 6th Grade, I was the asshole yelling at others to “get back on defense” while they non-chalantly chased the ball/puck/whatever around, or were picking fucking daisies on the field. But I digress…
If everyone gets a trophy, then when the shit really hits the fan, you don’t know how to cope. We need these kids to be forged in the fires of grade school a little bit. I’m not talking about fucking Thunderdome here; we don’t need “two men enter, one man leaves”…yet. All I’m saying is that these kids need to learn at some point to either deal with losing, or to get better so that they don’t lose so much.
I guess it is this trend that is most troubling. If everyone wins, where’s the impetus to improve yourself? Why should you try to get better when you’re going to get the same trophy as everyone else? It’s goddamn socialism, and as we saw in the late 20th century, socialism doesn’t fucking work, despite what we hear from Washington every day. No, we need to have some reason to get better, and this bullshit way of looking at the world provides no incentive for self-improvement.
That’s where the Chinese come in. Unlike the U.S., the Chinese are constantly striving to be better. You think that they don’t play dodgeball over in Chinese schools? Of course they do! And that’s after the kids have already worked a double shift sewing T-shirts and making counterfeit golf clubs. They probably need to blow off a little steam. The Chinese are patiently building up, waiting for the opportune moment to strike while we’re having some national “You’re Special Day!!!” where we’ll spend $3 trillion to give everyone the biggest, shiniest fucking trophy that they’ve ever seen. When the Chinese see that glint coming from the east, they’ll look at each other, nod, and say, “It’s time.”
And one day, when these kids become fat and content adults after playing on their dumb-ass don’t-keep-score soccer leagues and “shadow tag” playgrounds, we’ll see a fucking fleet of Chinese warships off the coast of California. Then this generation will go to the old folks homes and ask “What do we do, mom and dad?” The reply, of course, will be, “The same thing we do, kids—shit your pants.”
Get ready. Learn to like sweet and sour pork. It’s gonna happen.
Questions? Comments? Think I need to dial it back a little bit here? E-mail the BlogMogger team at email@example.com.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Looks like it’s about that time again for my quarterly post. Though interesting, Slav’s post about Mi Ranchito deserves to be knocked down a few pegs. Don’t get me worng, the place is great—we ate there last night. Still, it’s probably time for some new content.
Having said that, the ladyfriend and I recently adopted a 1-year-old dog from a shelter. His name is Sully—they named him at the shelter for Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenburger, the U.S. Airways pilot/national hero. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get him behind the controls of a 737 yet, but needless to say, if pressed into duty, he would perform as admirably as his namesake. Meaning of course that he would crash the fucking thing into a river. I kid the good captain, I know…
At any rate, he’s just about the cutest dog imaginable. The local dog catcher out in rural Missouri found him on the side of the road, and initially kept him longer than he was supposed to because he looks like a family pet. Fortunately, the shelter stepped in and saved him before the worst could happen. They neutered him and gave him most of his puppy shots. We found him on www.petfinder.com, an excellent resource if you’re thinking of getting a dog, and as soon as we saw him we thought he was just an awesome little guy. The ladyfriend called up the shelter and asked them to bring him to an adoption event at a local Petco that weekend. Fortunately, we were able to adopt him shortly thereafter.
Sully definitely has his quirks. He is fiercely loyal, sitting outside of the bathroom whenever either of us uses it. Unfortunately, because he became so attached to us so quickly, it also presented some initial problems. For like 2 weeks, he had non-stop energy. We couldn’t throw toys for him enough, he’d climb up on top of the couch and lay there, licking whomever’s face happened to be next to him, and he was just generally hyper. As he became attached to us, though, he started getting more territorial, starting to bite people who wanted to pet him on the street and friends that came over. He also had a bad case of separation anxiety, meaning he would bark for long stretches whenever we left the house. Fortunately, he had been completely housetrained before he got to us, so that hasn’t really been an issue.
Undeterred, we knew we had to start training him. We made him start sitting before he gets anything he wants—food, treats, having the door opened for him for walking, etc. We also started turning on the TV when we left. Initially we left it on Animal Planet. Why? I don’t know—I guess we thought that dogs like Animal Planet for some reason. Unfortunately, he’d get riled up if he heard something he didn’t like on there, so we changed it to HGTV—plenty of humans talking in calm, measured tones so that he thinks that people are in the room next to him. As a result, I think he could pass the realtor’s exam in either Miami or Canada, where apparently all of these HGTV shows take place. He also has taken to pissing on several “For Sale” signs in the area—I guess that’s what he thinks of the prices that they’re asking for.
We also made a “rattle” out of a coke can and pennies, that we used for a while when he would start biting. It calmed him down quite a bit, but it made him afraid of loud noises so we stopped.
We also recently got two things that appear like they will be lifesavers. The first is a “Kong” toy. This thing looks like a hollowed out set of spheres welded together. Basically, you fill it up with flavored aerosol “goop” (think easy-cheese) and the dog goes nuts licking the shit out of it. He loves that thing, and now when we want him to be quiet, we fill it up with peanut butter-flavored goop and he goes nuts on it. The second item is a laser pointer. He will chase that red dot anywhere it goes—up and down the hallway, into his cage, basically anywhere. It’s quickly become his new favorite pastime.
Other benefits of dog ownership include the walks. Since he’s housetrained, usually he needs 4-1/2 walks a day—one in the morning, one at noon, one in the early evening, one in the later evening, and then taken out to piss right before bedtime. Many people think that this is a pain, but it has been great for my health. I’ve lost about 10 pounds since we got him, basically all from walking him. He gets us out of the house when otherwise we’d just be sitting around, watching something on the TV. Believe it or not, fresh air and sunlight is good for you—I’ve started sleeping better, as the night terrors, “voices,” and alien abductions have subsided dramatically. OK, I’m kidding—the aliens still abduct me.
Of course, the benefits of dog ownership are unrivaled. Given proper exercise, they are loyal companions that can be trusted to not ruin your house or apartment. I say given proper exercise because we have started watching “The Dog Whisperer,” among other dog shows, and it is amazing how many people just expect their dogs to be automatically housetrained. When asked how often they take the dog out, they usually answer “Oh, we don’t walk him. We just take him outside.” Ridiculous! And most of the time these people have kids, too! No wonder their fat kids are going to grow up to be fat adults that we all have to take care of through a grossly inefficient Medicare system! I mean, if you can’t even walk a dog, how much exercise is your kid going to get? Maybe he’ll play on some “we don’t keep score” soccer team, but that’s a story for a different day.
So basically, if you want a companion and you are ready for the responsibility, I would highly recommend getting a dog. And there are plenty of great ones already on Petfinder in your area, so consider that when doing so. We don’t know where Sully came from, but we think he might have been abandoned by his previous owner, as he is whip-smart and seems like he’s had some training. If you have the means to take care of a dog, there are plenty of great pets that were abandoned by people who simply could not afford them any longer due to the economy. Unfortunately, instead of doing the responsible thing and trying to find a home for their pet themselves or taking them to a no-kill shelter, many of these people let them go free or leave them in abandoned or foreclosed houses with little or no food or water until (hopefully) a kindly stranger finds them. So think about pet adoption—it can be a fulfilling and transformative experience. And I mean, come on, can you say no to this face?:
Questions? Comments? Want more or less dog stuff? E-mail the BlogMogger team at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
1. Mi Ranchito
Me and G-Gel Unit, Big Baby Davis and everyone else in STL realized that this was by far the best reataurant of all time and the only place to go if it was someone's birthday. This place kicks the shit out of all other restaurants and stands alone as the only champion of delicious food and great drink and food specials. If you don't eat here, you are obviously a piece of trash and unworthy of the delicious food and the only place that would allow me Grant, DJ and Davis to bring in a our own bottle of tequila to drink. Goddamn I love this place.
2. See above.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
This is a public service announcement. My ladyfriend recently moved to the bustling metropolis known as "St. Louis, Missouri." Though she has certainly been in awe of our fast-paced, city lifestyle, especially as compared to where she came from (New York City), she has found the time to create a brand new blog highlighting all of the various food and drink specials from around the St. Louis Area called STL Eat For Less. You can find it here. Please bookmark it if you're in the area and want to get the "scoop" on nearby deals at area restaurants. It is still a work in process, but we'll keep adding stuff and hopefully it will become the definitive guide to dining out in the area. If you missed the link the first time, here it is again (I spoil you people...). That is all.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Slav’s excellent critique of modern television got me thinking—what are the eleven best shows of all time? Why eleven? Because I was going to do ten but couldn’t decide which one to cut. I am only going off of my own experience here, so right off the top, I’ll admit that I haven’t seen “The Wire” or “The West Wing,” so they won’t be included on this list, as deserving as they may be. Also, on-going talk shows did not merit consideration, so no “Real Time with Bill Maher” or “The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn” (and yes, I realize I said Kilborn and not Ferguson—Kilborn was the fucking man). Also, the amount of a show that I have watched came into play—everyone raves about the Sopranos, but I only saw the last two seasons, which were absolute shit, so it’s not on the list. Also, I saw a decent amount of Rome’s second season, but not enough to pass judgment on it, so it, too, fails to make the list. I’m sure I forgot some others, too, so feel free to mention them in the comments. Here’s one intrepid blogger’s opinion:
11: Entourage. Through the first two seasons, this show was headed higher on this list. Much higher. The jokes were hilarious, the characters fairly well-developed, and it was just a lighthearted, hilarious look at the life of a charmed Hollywood celebrity. After Season 2, though, there were a bunch of problems. The show started focusing more on Ari, which can be good, but too much Ari makes him tiresome. The whole “biggest star in the world can’t get a part, then magically does, then is in the gutter again” cycle was repeated a couple of times. The two Don debacles were awful. And the dialogue was nowhere near as funny as before. There were always a few good jokes per episode in recent years, but they just didn’t click like Drama’s “Um, no, I, DON’T.” The 5th Season finale was proof that this show has lost its way a bit—out of the blue, despondent Vince lands a Marty Scorsese movie? Fucking ridiculous. However, the first few seasons were so good that it deserves to be on this list.
10: Star Trek: Deep Space 9. Yeah, so I’m a fucking nerd. So what. Quit laughing. Seriously. Shut the fuck up. Big fucking bully—Stop it! STOP IT! MOM!!! MOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! OK, now that that’s out of the way, I have to say that yes, I do enjoy the Star Trek series a little bit. No, I am not anticipating the new movie, simply because it looks way too effects-driven, and it seems that J.J. Abrams would be happy to light DeForest Kelley and James Doohan’s graves on fire, just so he could piss on them to put it out. Simon Pegg? Come the fuck on. Anyway, DS9 was a little darker than other Star Trek series—once the Dominion War got going, this show was awesome. Of course, there were too many “cute” episodes mixed in there, but overall this show deserves a spot somewhere in the top ten.
9: Battlestar Galactica (2001-2009): Like the Sopranos, I got into this show sort of in the middle of things. Luckily, Sci Fi made a handy catch-up guide where I was able to learn pretty much everything important in eight minutes or so. Sure it lagged at times, and there were times where you wondered what the frak…err…fuck was going on, but I found the (apparently extremely polarizing) finale to be excellent. And, I have to say, I called it from the minute I started watching. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, but “FUCK YEAH!! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE RON MOORE!!!” Apologize for the outburst. Even though it might be a little to Sci-Fi-ish for a lot of you out there, those who watched it know it is far more than some simple-minded sci-fi drivel like those Stargate shows.
8: Mad Men. I’m only half-way through Season 2 at this point, but Mad Men is a fantastic show. It’s a throwback to a time when women and children knew how to treat their men. Don Draper is my hero. He’s thirsty? One of the kids better fix him a drink, quick! Dinner’s not ready when he gets home? Unacceptable! Combine this with the man’s creative sensibilities, and the adventures of our heroes at Sterling Cooper, and this show is a great watch. I hope to finish out this season before it returns in the fall. I just don’t understand why HBO didn’t pick this up—they could have made it Top-3 material.
7. Family Guy. Sure it can fail spectacularly at times, and yes it seems like some random new chick is writing every third episode, especially this season, causing the jokes to fall flat since she obviously does not get the character dynamics or the show’s sense of humor at all. But overall, you have to admit, they have more hits than misses. Brian and Stewie are great, and the evolution of the show from cheap, one-trick pop culture reference to nuanced one-trick pop culture reference has been great to watch. I don’t know why it’s still funny, OK? It just fucking is.
6. The Office (UK). What a great show. Though the U.S. version has become a very good comedy in its own right, it all started with Ricky Gervais’ portrayal of David Brent in the British version. The writing was absolutely “spot on” throughout the entire series, and the characters were quite well-developed. More importantly, the show actually was able to provoke an emotional response—quite a rarity for a comedy. I’m not gonna lie—at the end of the Special, it got a little bit dusty in my dorm room. So what? What, am I less of a man because I cry? Every night? Waiting for the sweet, sweet booze to dull the…I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I HATE IT!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!!”…ok, sorry…I’m back…everything’s cool dude…nothing is fucked, dude…
5: Frasier. When is the last time that you ever watched an episode of Frasier? Come on, be honest. Even though it is buried in syndication on Lifetime, the beauty of Tivo is that you don’t have to sit through the countless promos for absolutely awful-looking movies starring Sigorney Weaver and LeAnn Rhimes. But I digress—Frasier is the smartest sitcom to ever grace the airways. The level of acting and writing, even when the show uses more “screwball” elements, is just a notch above even Seinfeld. Frasier is so pompous, yet insecure, that he makes for a great, yet flawed, protagonist. Niles is flat out one of the best characters in television history—the way he combines snobbery, weaselness, and cowardess with enough endearment to make you root for him was an amazing performance by David Hyde Pierce. Marty and Daphne keep the show somewhat grounded in reality, making fun of the two brothers for their opera and wine club habits. I would highly recommend you put this on season pass right now and dig right in.
4: Seinfeld. This was an agonizingly close call between Seinfeld and Frasier. Absoultely agonizing. I guess that’s more a testament to how good both shows are as opposed to my own pussiness. In the end, I think the reason Seinfeld won out is because I have literally watched every single episode at least 3-5 times, some of them many, many more. It’s not only the characters and the excellent dynamic they had, or the “popular” lines (“yada, yada, yada!” “Spongeworthy!”), but rather a lot of other “throwaway” lines that have found their way into the lexicon without many people realizing it. At one point, JSugar and I watched Dumb and Dumber and we counted around 50 lines from that movie that people use all the time without realizing it. Seinfeld is the exact same way. Overall, that’s why it gets the nod over Frasier.
3: South Park. What a masterpiece. I have no idea how two guys in their thirties (forties?) still manage to make such good tv. Cartman has always been fantastic, but in recent seasons, I have to admit, Randy Marsh has really come into his own. I think he represents what a lot of the show’s initial fans have become—guys who are tied down and have to try to act respectable, but in their hearts, just want to play video games and stay young. An absolutely amazing show.
2: The Larry Sanders Show. I have previously written about the “Best-of” DVD set, but I still don’t think that people realize how fantastic this show was. Aside from introducing three of the greatest characters on television (Larry, Artie, and “Hey Now!” Hank Kingsley, the show was incredibly well-written and just a how-to seminar on comedic writing. The ancillary characters, such as Wallace Langham’s disgruntled writer Phil and Bob Odenkirk’s Ari Emmanuel/Gold-channeling sleazy agent really tied the show together. I implore you to rent season 1 and the “Best of” discs since those are the only options for watching it at the present. You will not be disappointed.
1: LOST. What is there left to say that has not already been said? The show that already had everything—drama, intrigue, hot chicks, comedy, mystery, and, perhaps most of all, excellent character development—recently added the one element that could possibly catapult the series into a completely different level: fucking time travel. Sure it’s not clear what the “rules” are necessarily, and sure they’ve had a couple too many “What is it?” “More like WHEN is it!?!” exchanges this season, but this season has done a fantastic job of tying up some mythology-based loose ends while advancing the ball quite a bit. I have to say, I’m a big fan of Sawyer’s Dharma puppet regime (does anyone think that Horace is really in charge here?). Also, it’s good to see Kate and Jack get their comeuppance now that they made it back to the island. Despite the overall coolness of the “WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!!” line at the end of Season 3, maybe Jack will find that being a janitor on an island where you constantly live in fear of a giant fucking smoke monster and a nerdy teenager with round glasses isn’t exactly the greatest situation to be in. By far the best show of all time—it just isn’t even a contest. If you haven’t started watching yet, here’s what to do:
1. Go to Blockbuster/your NetFlix queue. Rent LOST Seasons 1-4/make sure LOST Seasons 1-4 are at the top of the queue.
2. Watch around 1 season per week/weekend. Go ahead—it’s ok. G-Gel Unit, Slav and I once watched 12 hours of season 2 straight. It was fucking awesome.
3. Buy this season on iTunes. Trust me, by the end of season 4, you’ll be begging for it.
4. Sit on the floor of a cold, dark room, clutching your knees, Thursday-Wednesday, with the TV turned to abc. Keep repeating “4,8,15,16,23,42” while gently rocking back and forth. At 9/8 central on Wednesday, sit up straight and don’t blink for one hour. Repeat next week.
So that’s pretty much it. Until next time.
Questions? Comments? Disagree with my rankings? Fuck you! E-mail the Blogmogger team at email@example.com.
Monday, March 16, 2009
My god could this show get any damn worse? I began watching Heroes last year and thoroughly enjoyed the first season thinking I had found yet one more show to waste my life trying to keep up with. Thankfully, the writers of Heroes have made it easy for me by turning the show into an absolute shitfest.
The above photo is of Milo Venti or something and he plays Peter Petrelli on the show. Peter Petrelli is a nerdy New Yorker who then realizes he has acquired incredible powers and chooses to save the world. Sounds a lot like Peter Parker but I let that slide for the sake of the show. Now however Peter Petrelli gives me the look above about 50 times during the hour long show. It's that elitist view that apparently was written into the script as all of the characters on the show continue to glance over at each other and prefer to convey script through glances instead of actual dialogue.
The show has gone from interesting to irrational as the first season was just explanation of super powers, the good and the bad guys, and how they must save the world/destroy it. A simple plot, but nonetheless enjoyable to watch. Season 2 goes on a rampage however on time travel, secret villains, alternate universes, people dying then being reborn, and alternate versions of bad/good. If it sounds confusing it is because it was. I consider myself an educated individual and I couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on. I prefer my puzzles in Sudoku form where I know there will be a solution and Heroes simply threw up ideas without any explanation or need to go back. Lost manages to throw out puzzles but continue to hint at them through subtleties in the show that keep me interested in the exact opposite way that Heroes tries to.
Fuck Heroes except for one character named Sylar who fucks shit up without rhyme and reason keeping him the only stable character in the most unstable TV show on the air.
2. The Mentalist
Are you fucking kidding me? How does this guy get work while Grant (G-unit) still has to wait tables and wait by the phone crying for his agent to call. It is an unfair world. First of all, was the name Smart Guy or Observer already taken for TV shows? The Mentalist is a stupid name for a stupid show. It is a smart guy who observes things and makes random inferences from things he sees. This concept is already in the show House (Much better show by the way) and is absolutely retarded on its own. This guy constantly looks like he is on the verge of buying a mesh tanktop and going down on the nearest guy. As much as I like witty and astute commentary this is flat out shit.
3. Grey's Anatomy
Get over it, this show is for women and if you watch it you are a woman. If you are a woman, continue enjoying the show.
Why didn't I include any reality TV shows you may ask. Because I love reality TV, so go fuck yourself. As a side note I would like to add that I hate King of the Hill, but realize it is not that bad of show. I hate it mainly because BigBabyDavis loves it and also because it interrupts my flow at night on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Wow, Pool A looks tough! Oh wait, what the hell is TPE and what the hell do they know about baseball? This pool may look strong because of Korea and Japan but in the end the Asians have pitching and that seems to be about it. Their hitting is always lacking thanks to their no protein all carb diet, but I predict Korea and Japan will crush their opposition in this Pool.
You may notice that in Pool B there are two countries that are loads better than their counterparts. If you guessed Australia and the Republic of South Africa you were wrong. Mexico and Cuba are the clear favorites and I find it amusing that they chose not to put these two teams in the American Pool which would have made geographical sense. But no, that might scare the Americans into another humiliation at the sport they invented. The fact is, Australians make up games so they can for once be good at a sport and the South Africans have only gained baseball experience from the oppressive white population beating the teachings of baseball into them. Neither of these teams will perform well and Mexico will dominate this pool with their honor, guile and super athleticism that come from being Mexican and getting to go home to your beautiful latin wife and 17 children. Cuba will come in second with the sheer will of their players to impress on an international stage and get the fuck out of Cuba.
Pool C? Call me when it's over. USA chose the shittiest collection of countries for their own Pool to guarantee themselves a spot in the next round. Venezuela may prove the only threat in this Pool. Clearly the United States will come in first, Hugo Chavez will take second or maybe our neighbors up north, but Italy will most clearly be too busy putting on hair gel, buying gold chains, putting a "sweet" shifter in their I-ROC and travelling to Jersey to be able to win any games.
Let's hear it for Pool D! How the Netherlands got into this pool I have no clue but they will be the clear favorite for most runs against. La Republica Dominicana and Puerto Rico will dominate this category with smooth latin style and the sweet sounds of Daddy Yankee blaring over the Puerto Rican sound system at Hiram Bithorn Stadium. Need I mention that DOM has the one player who, "hit home run for Christ." These people grew up loving baseball and playing with sticks and dead Caribbean sea rats. Unlike the over-coaching of the United States they love this game because they love having fun with it. This is the pool to watch and the one to be afraid of.
Let's all enjoy the comradery of international play and never forget that no matter what BigBabyDavis will be sad because he thinks Canada deserves more credit than they get. Unfortunately, like having sex with a "Canadian Girlfriend" Davis will be going home empty handed drinking Labatt and eating Moose fat.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I’m sure that Friends of the Mog have scrutinized Big Baby’s “Jimmy McNulty” article to death by this point. I’m sure it’s a great article, even though I don’t watch the Wire and thus have no fucking clue who the fuck “Jimmy McNulty” is—quite frankly, he sounds like one of Bill Simmons’ made-up friends from Boston. However, I thought it was about time that we pushed it down the page a bit and tried a novel concept called “fresh content.” Shall we?
Since I couldn’t come up with one really coherent column idea, I’m stealing from any number of great writers and doing a little stream-of-consciousness bit I like to call…ASSORTED MUSINGS!
-To the gentleman at my workplace who leaves the Wall Street Journal in the stall in the men’s room—thank you. Rest assured that you have brightened up at least one other person’s day just a bit when he discovers that treasure waiting for him—it’s Jim in accounting, and he won’t shut the fuck up about it.
-I’m with everyone else who says that the word “hero” is thrown around too often in this day and age, but America did lose a true hero today when Socks the Cat finally lost her (his? Socks isn’t the manliest name in the book for a cat) battle with cancer that had the nation on edge this past week. Sh…err…he…fuck…it? Yeah, let’s go with “it” was “probably either 19 or 20 years old.” And I swear to God this story got top billing on CNN.
-Speaking of Socks, it reminds me of one of my favorite Larry Sanders episodes. Fast forward to the 4:00 mark in this link. You won’t be disappointed.
-Moving on to LOST, this season has been ramping UP…that is, until Wednesday’s episode. [SPOILER ALERT!!! SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS WEEK’S EPISODE YET.] All of the time travelling has been pretty awesome. As my friends already know, I’m a total sucker for anything involving either 1) Alien Invasions, or 2) Time Travel (well…except “Life on Mars.” Never really saw the appeal). This season of LOST has not disappointed to date. I keep talking with ½ Man ½ Am-Asian about doing a reunion LOST column, but it might have to wait until mid-season. I just want to clear up a few things. First, many of the contributors to this very site can confirm that I totally called Lapidus as the pilot of Flight 316. After all, he was supposed to fly the original plane, then got roped in with the Freighter people. HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE ON THAT FUCKING ISLAND, GODDAMNIT!!! Second, that’s twice, for those counting at home, that Jin has surprised the fuck out of us this year. Third, this episode was really, really awful for the first half. Way, way too much L.A. stuff, Mrs. Hawking lost a lot of her mystique, and a lot of just bullshit (Who the fuck is Ray? Oh, Jack’s grandpa. Fucking great. ) I thought it would have been great after Mrs. Hawking told Jack that “something of his father’s needs to be in that coffin,” if Jack just went to get Locke’s body, opened the casket, took out a bottle of single malt scotch, and just poured the whole fucking thing in. That would’ve been classic. The obvious turning point of the episode was when Ben called Jack all bloody after he made some cryptic remark the night before—that really started everything. Still, tons of questions remain. Where is Aaron? My guess—Kate just straight up forgot about him. That seems about right for Kate. How did Sayid get in the cuffs? Who knows? He’s only COMMITTED 50 FUCKING MURDERS ALL OVER THE WORLD THE PAST 3 YEARS!!! WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY BRING HIM IN ON?!? Why did the 3 most annoying people on the show end up near each other on the island? And why didn’t Kate die? That would’ve been nice—I’m so sick of Kate. If you need a reason, watch the Evangeline Lilly “Crew Tribute” on the Season 3 DVD Special Features. Aside from calling everyone a “propmaster,” you get the feeling people wouldn’t give two shits if she was written out of the show. OK, I’m done. Apologize for the long paragraph, but if you go back to the beginning of it, you’ll see I made a promise to an old friend. TIME LOOP! LOST!
-OK, and we’re back. The Rams should take Michael Crabtree with the second pick. This is ridiculous how after he measured out at 6’ 1” today people are saying how he’ll drop. Does an inch really make that much difference? Even in height? This is classic Terrell Suggs revisionist history going on here. If he does drop, some team will end up getting a Pro Bowl wideout—just you watch.
-Finally got a new computer. It is fantastic. I would highly recommend a new i7 processor—they are fucking BLAZING. I’m sure a bunch of you need a new computer. I’m just sayin’…
-Wow, A Rod on steroids? Who would’ve thought? As Daisy Fuentes might say in that old Radio Shack commercial, “A Rod, you are so busted!” I guess he did the right thing by admitting it. As I was telling G-Gel Unit, it was the first non-cowardly thing he’s done…well…ever.
-And finally, since no one cares, the St. Louis Blues are putting together a nice little run toward the playoffs here. Chris Mason has been on fire, and Andy McDonald’s return ahs really sparked the team. If only Coach Andy Murray would play many of their exciting young players over career AHLers and has-beens, then this team could really fly.
That’s all for now. See you again, hopefully before 3 months this time.
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