Saturday, June 13, 2009

America Will be Taken Over by the Chinese in Our Lifetimes

This post is not meant to be some kind of jingoistic, anti-Chinese, “They took eerrr jobs!” post about the pending rise to dominance of the Great Sleeping Dragon to the East. While it is true that China appears to be a country on the rise that owns more and more of our country by the day due to unsustainable and irresponsible deficit-spending, the objective of this post is not to highlight the things that will one day make China great.

No, my dear friends, instead it is to point out a painfully obvious truth. A truth that becomes more and more self-evident by the day.

American kids are huge, huge pussies.

I guess it’s not really their own faults. It’s all of you parents out there that continually coddle these kids by trying to ban dodgeball, or tag, or any touching of any kind. It’s the dumb-ass soccer leagues that don’t keep score in an effort to make sure that “nobody loses.” It’s the stupid notion that “everyone deserves a trophy.”

Guess what, folks? In the real world, people lose. You aren’t necessarily going to make the football team in high school. You aren’t going to necessarily get into whatever college you want. Especially when you’re out in the real world and (God-forbid) have a job, you aren’t going to be able to tell them “But…but…but I thought everybody wins!” as they’re shoving your shit into a cardboard box and telling you to “Fuck off!” while shaking your hand.

Now, fortunately, I have a job, and I’ve been able to keep it thus far. Unfortunately, though, a fair number of my colleagues have lost theirs, largely for reasons outside of their control. At this horrible time in our history, when the unemployment rate is around 10% or so, it is unrealistic to continue the charade that “everyone wins.”

I guess I attribute my feelings somewhat to my own grade school experience. Believe it or not, I was not always the finely tuned athlete that I am at present. I was a bit pudgy, and generally weak as hell when I was a kid. However, I developed some aptitude for grade school sports. Why? Because I didn’t want to be the snot-nosed puss sitting on the sidelines after getting hit, that’s why! By the time I was in 6th Grade, I was the asshole yelling at others to “get back on defense” while they non-chalantly chased the ball/puck/whatever around, or were picking fucking daisies on the field. But I digress…

If everyone gets a trophy, then when the shit really hits the fan, you don’t know how to cope. We need these kids to be forged in the fires of grade school a little bit. I’m not talking about fucking Thunderdome here; we don’t need “two men enter, one man leaves”…yet. All I’m saying is that these kids need to learn at some point to either deal with losing, or to get better so that they don’t lose so much.

I guess it is this trend that is most troubling. If everyone wins, where’s the impetus to improve yourself? Why should you try to get better when you’re going to get the same trophy as everyone else? It’s goddamn socialism, and as we saw in the late 20th century, socialism doesn’t fucking work, despite what we hear from Washington every day. No, we need to have some reason to get better, and this bullshit way of looking at the world provides no incentive for self-improvement.

That’s where the Chinese come in. Unlike the U.S., the Chinese are constantly striving to be better. You think that they don’t play dodgeball over in Chinese schools? Of course they do! And that’s after the kids have already worked a double shift sewing T-shirts and making counterfeit golf clubs. They probably need to blow off a little steam. The Chinese are patiently building up, waiting for the opportune moment to strike while we’re having some national “You’re Special Day!!!” where we’ll spend $3 trillion to give everyone the biggest, shiniest fucking trophy that they’ve ever seen. When the Chinese see that glint coming from the east, they’ll look at each other, nod, and say, “It’s time.”

And one day, when these kids become fat and content adults after playing on their dumb-ass don’t-keep-score soccer leagues and “shadow tag” playgrounds, we’ll see a fucking fleet of Chinese warships off the coast of California. Then this generation will go to the old folks homes and ask “What do we do, mom and dad?” The reply, of course, will be, “The same thing we do, kids—shit your pants.”

Get ready. Learn to like sweet and sour pork. It’s gonna happen.

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