What a week. I've been insanely busy, so if you're wondering why these are coming out on a Saturday, fuck yourself. On to the rankings…
32. Carolina Panthers
Ugh. Just ugh. That wasn't even fair last week. Unfortunately, if you're a Panthers fan, your team might just hand Andrew Luck to the Bengals this week, as they're going against the Cardinals. I'm guessing you would prefer if they handed you a gun with one bullet right now. That way, you could kill John Fox. Or Jimmy Clausen.
31. Cincinnati Bengals
Because of the NFL's lovely territorial restrictions and the Rams late game last weekend, I had the pleasure of watching this team…err.."play" the Steelers last week. Carson Palmer really looks done. Just dead. At this point, UI think you have to let him sit on the sidelines for a year or two to get his shit together. I think by the end of the game, Pittsburgh was putting their wideouts out on defense so that they could get more practice reps catching the ball. Oh, wait, that was just Troy Polamalu. Oh well…
30. Denver Broncos
Tebow alert! Tebow alert! How does a team lose to the Cardinals by 30 fucking points? YOU PUT ERIC FUCKING STUDESVILLE IN CHARGE, THAT'S FUCKING HOW!!! I mean, at least he knows he's totally fucked and is taking one for the team by letting them see what Tebow can't can do this week at Oakland. They might be scraping him off of the floor of the Coliseum when it's all said and done, but at least then they'll know they have a FUCKING PUSSY. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? WHY WOULD GOD NEED A STARSHIP? DON'T YOU KNOW? AREN'T YOU GOD? I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!
29. Arizona Cardinals
I mean, really, by the thinnest of margins, and only because I basically have to put them above the Broncos. I don't know where this John Skelton kid came from, but let me tell ya', Cards fans, he's no Kurt Warner. Sorry to ruin the suspense. Although he did spread the ball around enough last week to make teams think "They aren't just totally incompetent and deplorable without any chance for redemption at the position." So that's a plus!
28. Washington Redskins
Hoo boy. Just when you think things can't get any more fucked up in Washington, Shanahan goes and does something like benching Donovan "McNap." (By the way, I was debating "McNap" vs. "McFlab" for hours last night and finally settled on McNap because BULLIES USED TO MAKE FUN OF MY WEIGHT AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT VERY MUCH!!!) I heard Shanahan's press conference on the radio last night, and it was fucking priceless. Shanahan talking about how he told McNap "Now, I'm going to be straight with you, I can't guarantee anything for next year, either. If there's a young Donovan McNabb or Sam Bradford in the draft next year, we're going to have to explore other opportunities." After I cleaned the jizz out of my pants at the mere mention of Sam Bradford's name, I surmised that Shanahan is trying to tank it to take either Andrew Luck or "Young McNap Clone" Cam Newton. Why else would you put Rex Grossman in a game, unless you really didn't like him as a person and wanted to humiliate him? The crazy part is, though Luck has an opportunity to be very good, I don't really think he's a "Sam Bradford"—his floor could be…say…Old Marc Bulger. Cam's ceiling is McNabb in his prime, but his floor is JaMarcus Russell. Tough call, Shanny. Tough call…
27. Detroit Lions
26. Buffalo Bills
It's pretty tough to pick the better team out of these two. The Lions beat an Aaron Rodgers-less Green Bay last week, while the Bills beat a Colt McCoy-less Browns last week—essentially the same team. I'll give the edge to the Bills because of their strength of schedule. Both of these teams could realistically use a QB in the first round next year, but they've been sucked into the Leinart zone. We'll see what they do—GODDAMN THIS DRAFT IS GOING TO BE SPICY!!!
25. Minnesota Vikings
Man, did anyone hear that Brett Favre broke his consecutive games-started streak last week? Me neither! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS OLD PERVERT ANY MORE, ESPN! Why prolong this guy's misery? Jesus, he already looks about ten years older than he is. At the rate he's going, five years from now he'll be eating from a tube and shitting in a bag. But enough about his lack of manners and common decency! Apparently now people are saying they're just going to abandon the Metrodome, which I guess is good—I'm all for anything that will get some combination of Jags/Chargers/Vikings out to L.A. so that the Rams can stay in St. Louis. I love the possible re-alignment scenarios, too. AFC South? Sure, why not? NFC North? Bring it on! It would be good to shake things up—things haven't been shaken up for a while now.
24. Tennessee Titans
Bill Simmons made a good point in his podcast this week—why score that meaningless touchdown at the end of the game last week unless Jeff Fisher is betting on his team? That was an insidious backdoor cover FOR NO REASON AT ALL! IT MADE NO SENSE! I find it unbelievable that Vince Young might actually force this asshole out. It's not like you're going up against Jimmy Carville in terms of political strategy here, car salesman. Good luck, sir.
23. San Francisco 49ers
That loss against the Chargers was reassuring—for a minute there, I was worried that the Niners were right and Alex Smith was "putting it all together" (not really). What a fucking stink-bomb. G Gel Unit will be in town to witness the Rams dismantling of them next weekend—should be fun. I am interested to see if Singletary looks as clueless in person as he does on the TV. If the Rams win this week, and the Seahags lose this week vs. Atlanta and next week at Tampa Bay, the Rams-Niners game could clinch the division. That would be fucking sweet.
22. Cleveland Browns
Because the Browns are so boring, I'm going to take this time to talk some Hot Stove. The big rumor this week is that the Cubs are clearing out payroll to make a run at Pujols next off-season. That's fine—if Pujols wants to go over to the dark side, I'll boo his ass doubly-hard if I ever attend a Cards game again…against the Cubs. G Gel Unit pointed out that in a survey among the GMs, they averaged Pujols' next contract at $26 million for 8 years. I ask them, "What was the high number?" Because, really, the average of a bunch of GMs numbers doesn't matter. If the Cubs or Angels come in at $30 million for 8 years? That would suck. I always hear people saying things like, "Well, if Pujols left, we'd have the money to spend on other things." Like what? John Mozeliak hasn't really proven anything to me yet. He'd probably sign marginal sixth, seventh, and eighth starters to $10 million per year deals. What a great time to be a Cards fan!
21. Houston Texans
What a way to summarize the Matt Schaub era in Houston: Tantalizingly close to a major victory, only to be picked-six in overtime. I think if this guy worked at McDonalds, he'd set the fries in the fryer, then watch the clock tick down, but when it got down to like 0:05, he'd pick out the basket of scalding hot fries and toss them at the manager (Gary Kubiak). Maybe they'll have a chance to see that scenario play out next year.
20. Dallas Cowboys
Too high? Maybe. All I know is that apparently Jerry Jones hates the Redskins more than any other team. You can be sure these guys are going to play their asses off for Jerry.
19. Seattle Seahawks
They certainly picked a good time to have the fucking wheels come off, eh? Pete Carroll has run out of tricks. He has been reduced to literally pulling rabbits out of his hat for the team's entertainment. Then he stops by a liquor store on the way home for the same bottle of gin, and dispassionately drinks it as he's being fucked by the same cheap hooker night after night. Anyone want to make Groundhog Day 2? It would just be 90 minutes of this on a loop. AND PEOPLE WOULD STILL SEE IT!
18. St. Louis Rams
They have to go here after that effort against the Saints. They keep hanging in there against good teams "but for" a bad play or two. That's great and all, but that separates the good teams from the mediocre. Now, don't get me wrong, they have done a great job this season. Spags and Bradford have them about a year ahead of schedule. Still, though, I'm not expecting any playoff miracles. Next year, they should be better, and two years from now, they should be a legit contender. Hmm…if only I had a time machine…I know, fuck me, I would definitely just use it for sports gambling purposes, but still…
17. Oakland Raiders
I got to see the end of this one last week after Palmer was done with that big shit he laid. What an ending! This team, like the Rams, is right there. Jacoby Ford is pretty awesome. He was also a fourth round pick. The Rams took Mardy "I am a dumb idiot" Gilyard instead. Fuck us.
(At this point, I ran out of time before Sunday. I apologize for the lack of merriment in your life that I have caused because of this. However, in the interest of completeness, here are the rest of the rankings without snarky comments. Ok, maybe just one-liners)
16. Miami Dolphins (Terrible QBs)
15. Green Bay Packers (no Aaron Rodgers)
14. Kansas City Chiefs (50% of Matt Cassell)
13. Tampa Bay Bucs (Running on fumes)
12. San Diego Chargers (Phil Rivers is damned good for a baby)
11. Jacksonville Jaguars (Still not sold)
10. Indianapolis Colts (No need to wake Jim Caldwell)
9. Chicago Bears (Also still not convinced)
8. New York Jets (Falling Rapidly)
7. New York Giants (Rising again—will be falling soon)
6. Baltimore Ravens (Not too impressive)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (Somebody call the Humane Society—Ben is getting abused)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (Still scaring the shit out of me)
3. New Orleans Saints (Impressive…most impressive)
2. Atlanta Falcons (Eh.)
1. New England Patriots (So obvious—could it be any other?)
Questions? Comments? Wondering why the one-liners aren't that funny? E-mail the Blogmogger team at email@example.com.