I was fortunate enough to attend the Rams-Redskins game this past weekend in St. Louis. Everyone bitches about the Edward Jones Dome, but I thought it wasn’t half bad. I didn’t even mind the constant TV timeouts as much as I remember minding them. My theory on this is that baseball has desensitized me to the excessive stoppages in play. I mean, when you go to the game and maybe 1/15th of it is actual action, a 2-1/2 minute break after each change of possession doesn’t seem that bad. I would highly recommend attending a game to anyone within a reasonable distance of an NFL stadium. Translation: Fuck you, LA!!! On to the rankings. Actually, I never mention this, but I do these rankings without looking at ESPN’s, CNN’s, or any other outlet’s power rankings. Okay, NOW onto the rankings…
32. Carolina Panthers
Did you see that, Mel Kiper? Yeah, I guess that Jimmy Clausen was more “NFL-ready” than Sam Bradford. Never mind the three fumbles and interceptions, never mind the immature attitude or lack of any presence, I mean…aw, fuck, I can’t take it any more. Write it out with me now: “I will not trust Mel Kiper on quarterback evaluations any more.” I mean, seriously, has he ever been right? Was he a Ryan Leaf fan? I think he still has Jake Locker as number 1 on his “big board.” What does that tell you? They will be very lucky to win one game this year in the NFC South.
31. San Francisco 49ers
What a fucking mess. Obviously, the offensive coordinator is not the problem here. They remind me of the Rams last year if the Rams would have had Patrick Willis on defense. Good (if overrated) running back. Okay defense. Terrible QB. I mean, how many chances does Alex Smith get? He’s like Will Arnett or Josh Lucas—I mean, at some point, a turd is a turd. Mike Singletary is apparently willing to bet his job that it’s actually a Baby Ruth.
30. Buffalo Bills
A lot of people think that these guys should be where San Fran is. However, Ryan Fitzpatrick appears to be infinitely better than Alex Smith at this point. And that’s no Ivy League bias. I mean, sure, did you even see him play Cornell his senior year? Or how he manhandled the Elis his junior season for Hahhhvahhhd? He and his boys didn’t just roll a Stahh Mahhket in Milton fahh a baahhhx ‘a quaaataahs. I think they would beat the Niners on a neutral site right now.
29. Cleveland Browns
So I guess Jake Delhomme isn’t the answer, is he, Mangini? It’s kind of sad to read that ESPN: the Magazine article about Mangini in the football preview. He is pretty pathetic. An otherwise confident, outgoing man has been reduced to a sniveling people-pleaser because of fear for his job. I can save him a lot of time and trouble right now: YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB AFTER THIS SEASON, YOU FAT FUCK, BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A QUARTERBACK!!! So why don’t you, you know, pack your shit in a box already?
28. Arizona Cardinals
These guys should go to fucking Vegas right now. What a bunch of lucky sons of bitches. Of course, knowing their luck, Derek Anderson and Wisenhunt would end up winning $2800 each in $20 slots, then somehow getting free bottle service at Tao and banging a hook that only charges $200 a night. Fucking Cardinals.
27. Detroit Lions
Losing Jahvid Best really hurts me…er…them. Hurts them. OKAY FUCK, YOU KNOW WHAT NAYSAYERS, YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT!!! HE WAS THE WRONG PICK, OKAY!!! QUIT FUCKING REMINDING ME OF IT!!! On another note, we can obviously see what a difference Ndam Suh is making so far. Man, I wish the Rams would’ve taken him. He has single-handedly won…oh wait, that’s right…ZERO games for them so far. What a game-changer, though.
26. Oakland Raiders
Jesus. They’re obviously a better team than the Cardinals. I mean, they had ‘em. They had the foot on the throat and everything. It’s not their fault their dumb Pollack kicker can’t make a chip shot because he’s too hung-over. Somebody prop up Al Davis. Where are Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy when you need them?
25. Jacksonville Jaguars
Another week, another blowout loss. And it doesn’t get any easier for them this week when Indy comes to town. Honestly, I don’t know why they aren’t lower on this list. Maybe I am, stupidly, crediting them for past accomplishments, much like their pro scouting department. Garrard looks absolutely awful. Come to think of it, they look like the Rams last year, too. Man, how are this many terrible teams this season?
24. Washington Redskins
Way to go, DMac. Man, they looked pretty bad this past week. What I don’t understand is that Portis really was shredding the Rams for a while, and then dumb ass Mike Shanahan yanked him for Ryan Torain (no, not like that…). Really, weren’t they pretty lucky that Alex Barron was such a fuck-up in Week 1? Otherwise, it would be really ugly right now. By the way, it’s a good feeling to be playing an NFC East team in your own stadium. It’s like you have 4 fan bases rooting for your team, because those teams absolutely fucking hate each other. I was sitting next to some guys from OU at the Rams game that happened to be Cowboys fans, but they were fine rooting for the Rams because of (a) Bradford, and (b) they just flat out hate the Redskins. And yes, I checked, they meant the team.
23. New York Giants
What a fiasco. You’d think that Eli would show a little bit of that leadership that allowed him to beat the best team of all time in the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, he’s probably checked out on his career by now, unlike his brother. By the way, I keep getting conflicting reports on the new stadium. For those of you that have been there, any thoughts? Leave them in the comments.
22. St. Louis Rams
They have to be in front of the ‘Skins, right? I also really think Bradford is coming into his own here. He made a throw on 3rd and 20 in the fourth quarter while rolling out to the right to step on the throats of the Skins that was totally fucking ninja. Sure, Steven Jackson might be hurt this week, but I still think they can take the…
21. Seattle Seahawks
Fantastic at home, garbage on the road. I mean, really, though, who did they beat at home already? The Niners (terrible) and the Chargers (terrible without their steroids). Who is running the ball for them? Leon Washington? Or is it Forsett? And Hasselbeck doesn’t look that good, either. You can’t score all of your points on special teams, idiots. I smell an upset this week, but until then, they still are the division leaders.
20. San Diego Chargers
19. Denver Broncos
I think these teams are about even. I’ll give the Broncos the slight edge because I think they’re a team on the rise, while the Chargers are pretty obviously living on borrowed time. Both of them have absolutely shitty coaching. By the way, who are these asshole commentators that think that the Chargers are still the favorites in the AFC West? Have they seen them play at all? I mean, come on, THEY HAVE A FUCKING BABY FOR A QUARTERBACK!!! A BABY!!! HE THROWS TANTRUMS AND EVERYTHING!!! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!! I apologize for yelling. Man, I’m inadvertently angry today. Sorry about that.
18. Minnesota Vikings
Way to beat up on the Best-less Lions, you big fucking bullies. Everyone keeps bitching about how Brett Favre “looks like he doesn’t want to play football any more.” Well, of course he doesn’t. These assholes dragged him from his home while he was recovering from ankle surgery and basically forced him to play for them this year. Would you be so happy if you were dragged from your house and forced to throw a football at moving targets while a bunch of ‘roided out monsters desperately were running at you full speed? I bet by week 4 you’d be crying like a little bitch, too. Well, Brett’s crying. Crying like a little bitch. And there’s nothing Brad Childress can do about it.
17. Cincinnati Bengals
My God Carson Palmer looks absolutely horrid. Just awful. He is Jake Delhomme this year. I can see it now. Cincinnati holds on to him next year, one year too long. Maybe he throws 6, 7 INTs in a game. They release him to much fanfare without a backup plan that doesn’t involve his brother. They wait two years to bottom out and get the top pick in the draft so that they can pick a franchise QB. Meanwhile, Carson goes to Buffalo, Carolina, or some other equally horrible team to try to “resurrect” his career, where he ends up failing miserably and buying a used car lot. Bookmark this page and let me know if I’m wrong three years from now.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Sure they deserve to drop. Shit, I don’t even think you can argue that. Of course, much like Tennessee last week, they did lose to the best team in the league. Now granted, they were blown out by the best team in the league with their fourth string quarterback playing, but tomato, to-mahto. I can’t imagine things turning out well for them. And so much for the Roethlisberger comparisons, Josh Freeman. No, not THOSE comparisons—as a quarterback! Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter.
15. Dallas Cowboys
Maybe this is too big of a swing in the other direction for a team that doesn’t have a running game to speak of. Maybe I admire them taking care of business against the Texans. Maybe I’m fucking crazy and don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing. You decide. All I know is that the NFC East is wide open right now, and once Vick comes back to earth, I wouldn’t bet against the Cowboys.
14. New England Patriots
They barely beat the Bills. It was at Buffalo, but they barely beat the Bills. I don’t know what this team is doing. They are seemingly coasting along, not worried about any given game. I guess you could say they’re taking on the personality of their quarterback. Oh, and their defense is too young and can’t stop the run at the second level. And they’re still in the top half of teams in the league!
13. Miami Dolphins
Who can figure out this division, anyway? They can’t beat the Jets at home, with Revis and Kris Jenkins out, and Braylon Edwards serving his…er…”suspension” for the first quarter. Brandon Marshall was having his way with the Jets secondary. So what happened? Chad Henne, that’s what. Maybe he’s not “good enough to win a playoff game,” or even “good enough to make the playoffs,” or “good enough to get the ball to his top-five wideout.” I mean, it tells you something that Ronnie Brown generally quarterbacks for them in the red zone out of the wildcat. This I when you have the highest probability of scoring points. And you’re letting your running back throw passes? Yikes!
12. Houston Texans
Yeah, I’m dropping them this far. Fuck ‘em. Real men close out home games against their in-state rivals. And I don’t want to hear any of these “But, but, but, we didn’t have Andwe Johnson!” or “But, but, ouw left tackuwl got busted for stewoids!” excuses. You sound like fucking babies. Get over it. Luckily, you get Oakland this week. Think you ladies can close out that one?
11. Baltimore Ravens
So they beat the Jets and Cleveland, but lost to the Bengals? Huh. Amazing how that Cleveland secondary can make even Flacco look like a rock star. It’s like the Browns are a full-service gas station—he hit $15.00 on the nose for that tank last week. I still don’t trust them, no matter how good their defense is.
10. Kansas City Chiefs
They have so many home run hitters, it doesn’t even matter that they have wimpy singles-hitter Matt Cassell playing quarterback. They’re like the Dodgers with James Loney at first base—they can afford the lack of production there as long as they have other guys producing. They have been a bit lucky with the big plays so far, and luck tends to even out over the course of a full season, but that game against San Diego was huge, and if you bet against them taking the AFC West right now, you’re a fucking lunatic.
9. Chicago Bears
Sure they won that Monday Night game in spectacularly luck…err…skilled fashion. But does anyone really think that on a neutral field right now, the Bears would beat the Packers? I certainly don’t. They relied on one of their ‘roided-out monster linebackers to pop the ball out of a receiver’s hands. That passes for good football nowadays? I’m still not sold on Cutler yet, either—he is bound to have a string of those 1 TD, 3 INT games soon. Count on it.
8. Atlanta Falcons
They lost to the best team in the league, beat one of the worst teams in the league (Arizona), and had to rely on a missed field goal to beat one of the better teams in the league? I guess that’s not really a question, but do we really know what this team is yet from that sample size? That said, they do get San Fran at home this week, so there’s a pretty good chance they’re coming out of this one 3-1. Even still, will we really be able to tell anything about them after that one? Food for thought…
7. Tennessee Titans
Perhaps I was a bit overzealous at the start of the season. Or, maybe they just happened to draw the shit end of the stick at the wrong time against Pittsburgh. (As an aside, where does that expression come from? Instead of drawing straws in the past, in colonial times did they just gather up a bunch of sticks and have someone stick one up their ass, and the poor bastard that pulled the “shit” end of the stick had to do something really terrible? Like clean chamber pots or become mayor? The things you wish they taught you at Colonial Williamsburg…). Still, as long as they can keep running, they’re good. If you force them to pass, they can be beaten.
6. Philadelphia Eagles
What? No this is not a reverse jinx! What the fuck are you talking about? Bitch, you cookin’? Oil? The bottom line is, as soon as defenses figure Vick out, they’re fucked. While defenses let him play “throw the ball as far as you can and let your ridiculously fast receivers chase passes down,” they will lose. Somebody will find a way to beat him. Maybe instead of a nickel back, they should bring in an extra safety over the top and force him to make short-to-intermediate throws. Just a thought. And yes, I am available to interview for defensive coordinator positions.
5. New York Jets
I guess I’ll give it to ‘em. Sure, why not? Sanchez is really starting to come out of his shell. Apparently, the coaching staff used to bitch at him so much that he was terrified to throw an INT and continually checked down. Now, they are giving him more leeway. Huh, who would have thought that a young quarterback might be fragile? At any rate, if they can get healthy, and Sanchez can keep it up when Santonio Holmes comes back, they might—might—be able to make a deep run in the playoffs.
4. New Orleans Saints
Something’s off, Saints. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s Reggie being out. Maybe it’s that Pierre Thomas can’t carry the water himself. Shit, I don’t know, maybe you miss Mike Bell. OR MAYBE IT’S THE DUMB FUCK FIELD GOAL KICKER THAT MISSES A FUCKING 29-YARDER!!!! Either way, you know, not so impressive so far. I mean, almost losing to the Niners? Fucking unforgiveable. That said, with Drew Brees as the QB, you’re automatically one of those teams that can be penciled in as a contender. Still, though, you need to figure out what’s wrong, fast.
3. Green Bay Packers
Man, that was a tough one on Monday Night. I don’t know what it is about this team. Aaron Rodgers looks great. The wideouts are okay. The defense is good. I mean, sure, they have no running back, but even still, they should have beat the Bears. I don’t know if Rodgers is a non-closer, or if McCarthy is a fuck-up, or what. I’m leaning towards McCarthy, as he apparently was threatened enough by a groundskeeper’s offhand comment to fire his ass. What a shit nugget.
2. Indianapolis Colts
Maybe I’m being sucked in by the name. Or maybe I trust Peyton Manning way more than any other QB and/or head coach in the league (at least during the regular season). As expected, Peyton has them whipped into shape after that Week 1 loss to the Texans, because NO COLT LOSES TO THE FUCKING TEXANS!! HOO-RAH!! Or whatever he’s saying when he bitches out his wideouts. I still think that they’re only second-best, though, to the…
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
It’s like they keep increasing the degree of difficulty each week for this team and they keep answering the call. Beat the Falcons in OT? Okay, we’ll see how you do against a damned good Tennessee team. Beat them too? Well let’s see how you do against an undefeated Bucs team with your fourth-string QB. Wow, you beat them, also? Wise guy, eh? Ahhh, see, now you get Baltimore, seeee, let’s see how you do against them! My guess is they figure out a way to win it. And even if they don’t, they’re getting Therapist back for week 6 after their bye. Unless they get utterly destroyed this week, I think they’ll probably be in this spot for another couple go-arounds. Or not. Fuck it. What the fuck do I know?
Questions? Comments? Wondering why this is up early this week? E-mail the Blogmogger team at firstname.lastname@example.org.