Thursday, September 30, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 4

I was fortunate enough to attend the Rams-Redskins game this past weekend in St. Louis.  Everyone bitches about the Edward Jones Dome, but I thought it wasn’t half bad.  I didn’t even mind the constant TV timeouts as much as I remember minding them.  My theory on this is that baseball has desensitized me to the excessive stoppages in play.  I mean, when you go to the game and maybe 1/15th of it is actual action, a 2-1/2 minute break after each change of possession doesn’t seem that bad.  I would highly recommend attending a game to anyone within a reasonable distance of an NFL stadium.  Translation: Fuck you, LA!!!  On to the rankings.  Actually, I never mention this, but I do these rankings without looking at ESPN’s, CNN’s, or any other outlet’s power rankings.  Okay, NOW onto the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Did you see that, Mel Kiper?  Yeah, I guess that Jimmy Clausen was more “NFL-ready” than Sam Bradford.  Never mind the three fumbles and interceptions, never mind the immature attitude or lack of any presence, I mean…aw, fuck, I can’t take it any more.  Write it out with me now: “I will not trust Mel Kiper on quarterback evaluations any more.”  I mean, seriously, has he ever been right?  Was he a Ryan Leaf fan?  I think he still has Jake Locker as number 1 on his “big board.”  What does that tell you?  They will be very lucky to win one game this year in the NFC South.

31. San Francisco 49ers

What a fucking mess.  Obviously, the offensive coordinator is not the problem here.  They remind me of the Rams last year if the Rams would have had Patrick Willis on defense.  Good (if overrated) running back.  Okay defense.  Terrible QB.  I mean, how many chances does Alex Smith get?  He’s like Will Arnett or Josh Lucas—I mean, at some point, a turd is a turd.  Mike Singletary is apparently willing to bet his job that it’s actually a Baby Ruth.

30. Buffalo Bills

A lot of people think that these guys should be where San Fran is.  However, Ryan Fitzpatrick appears to be infinitely better than Alex Smith at this point.  And that’s no Ivy League bias.  I mean, sure, did you even see him play Cornell his senior year?  Or how he manhandled the Elis his junior season for Hahhhvahhhd?  He and his boys didn’t just roll a Stahh Mahhket in Milton fahh a baahhhx  ‘a quaaataahs.  I think they would beat the Niners on a neutral site right now.

29. Cleveland Browns

So I guess Jake Delhomme isn’t the answer, is he, Mangini?  It’s kind of sad to read that ESPN: the Magazine article about Mangini in the football preview.  He is pretty pathetic.  An otherwise confident, outgoing man has been reduced to a sniveling people-pleaser because of fear for his job.  I can save him a lot of time and trouble right now: YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB AFTER THIS SEASON, YOU FAT FUCK, BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A QUARTERBACK!!!   So why don’t you, you know, pack your shit in a box already?
28. Arizona Cardinals

These guys should go to fucking Vegas right now.  What a bunch of lucky sons of bitches.  Of course, knowing their luck, Derek Anderson and Wisenhunt would end up winning $2800 each in $20 slots, then somehow getting free bottle service at Tao and banging a hook that only charges $200 a night.  Fucking Cardinals.

27.  Detroit Lions

Losing Jahvid Best really hurts me…er…them.  Hurts them.  OKAY FUCK, YOU KNOW WHAT NAYSAYERS, YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT!!!  HE WAS THE WRONG PICK, OKAY!!!  QUIT FUCKING REMINDING ME OF IT!!!  On another note, we can obviously see what a difference Ndam Suh is making so far.  Man, I wish the Rams would’ve taken him.  He has single-handedly won…oh wait, that’s right…ZERO games for them so far.  What a game-changer, though.

26. Oakland Raiders

Jesus.  They’re obviously a better team than the Cardinals.  I mean, they had ‘em.  They had the foot on the throat and everything.  It’s not their fault their dumb Pollack kicker can’t make a chip shot because he’s too hung-over.  Somebody prop up Al Davis.  Where are Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy when you need them?

25. Jacksonville Jaguars

Another week, another blowout loss.  And it doesn’t get any easier for them this week when Indy comes to town.  Honestly, I don’t know why they aren’t lower on this list.  Maybe I am, stupidly, crediting them for past accomplishments, much like their pro scouting department.  Garrard looks absolutely awful.  Come to think of it, they look like the Rams last year, too.  Man, how are this many terrible teams this season?

24. Washington Redskins

Way to go, DMac.  Man, they looked pretty bad this past week.  What I don’t understand is that Portis really was shredding the Rams for a while, and then dumb ass Mike Shanahan yanked him for Ryan Torain (no, not like that…).  Really, weren’t they pretty lucky that Alex Barron was such a fuck-up in Week 1?  Otherwise, it would be really ugly right now.  By the way, it’s a good feeling to be playing an NFC East team in your own stadium.  It’s like you have 4 fan bases rooting for your team, because those teams absolutely fucking hate each other.  I was sitting next to some guys from OU at the Rams game that happened to be Cowboys fans, but they were fine rooting for the Rams because of (a) Bradford, and (b) they just flat out hate the Redskins.  And yes, I checked, they meant the team.

23. New York Giants

What a fiasco.  You’d think that Eli would show a little bit of that leadership that allowed him to beat the best team of all time in the Super Bowl.  Unfortunately, he’s probably checked out on his career by now, unlike his brother.  By the way, I keep getting conflicting reports on the new stadium.  For those of you that have been there, any thoughts?  Leave them in the comments.

22. St. Louis Rams

They have to be in front of the ‘Skins, right?  I also really think Bradford is coming into his own here.  He made a throw on 3rd and 20 in the fourth quarter while rolling out to the right to step on the throats of the Skins that was totally fucking ninja.  Sure, Steven Jackson might be hurt this week, but I still think they can take the…

21. Seattle Seahawks

Fantastic at home, garbage on the road.  I mean, really, though, who did they beat at home already?  The Niners (terrible) and the Chargers (terrible without their steroids).  Who is running the ball for them?  Leon Washington?  Or is it Forsett?  And Hasselbeck doesn’t look that good, either.  You can’t score all of your points on special teams, idiots.  I smell an upset this week, but until then, they still are the division leaders.

20. San Diego Chargers
19. Denver Broncos

I think these teams are about even.  I’ll give the Broncos the slight edge because I think they’re a team on the rise, while the Chargers are pretty obviously living on borrowed time.  Both of them have absolutely shitty coaching.  By the way, who are these asshole commentators that think that the Chargers are still the favorites in the AFC West?  Have they seen them play at all?  I mean, come on, THEY HAVE A FUCKING BABY FOR A QUARTERBACK!!!  A BABY!!!  HE THROWS TANTRUMS AND EVERYTHING!!!  WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!!  I apologize for yelling.  Man, I’m inadvertently angry today.  Sorry about that.

18. Minnesota Vikings

Way to beat up on the Best-less Lions, you big fucking bullies.  Everyone keeps bitching about how Brett Favre “looks like he doesn’t want to play football any more.”  Well, of course he doesn’t.  These assholes dragged him from his home while he was recovering from ankle surgery and basically forced him to play for them this year.  Would you be so happy if you were dragged from your house and forced to throw a football at moving targets while a bunch of ‘roided out monsters desperately were running at you full speed?  I bet by week 4 you’d be crying like a little bitch, too.  Well, Brett’s crying.  Crying like a little bitch.  And there’s nothing Brad Childress can do about it.

17.  Cincinnati Bengals

My God Carson Palmer looks absolutely horrid.  Just awful.  He is Jake Delhomme this year.  I can see it now.  Cincinnati holds on to him next year, one year too long.  Maybe he throws 6, 7 INTs in a game.  They release him to much fanfare without a backup plan that doesn’t involve his brother.  They wait two years to bottom out and get the top pick in the draft so that they can pick a franchise QB.  Meanwhile, Carson goes to Buffalo, Carolina, or some other equally horrible team to try to “resurrect” his career, where he ends up failing miserably and buying a used car lot.  Bookmark this page and let me know if I’m wrong three years from now.

16.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sure they deserve to drop.  Shit, I don’t even think you can argue that.  Of course, much like Tennessee last week, they did lose to the best team in the league.  Now granted, they were blown out by the best team in the league with their fourth string quarterback playing, but tomato, to-mahto.  I can’t imagine things turning out well for them.  And so much for the Roethlisberger comparisons, Josh Freeman.  No, not THOSE comparisons—as a quarterback!  Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter.

15. Dallas Cowboys

Maybe this is too big of a swing in the other direction for a team that doesn’t have a running game to speak of.  Maybe I admire them taking care of business against the Texans.  Maybe I’m fucking crazy and don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing.  You decide.  All I know is that the NFC East is wide open right now, and once Vick comes back to earth, I wouldn’t bet against the Cowboys.

14. New England Patriots

They barely beat the Bills.  It was at Buffalo, but they barely beat the Bills.  I don’t know what this team is doing.  They are seemingly coasting along, not worried about any given game.  I guess you could say they’re taking on the personality of their quarterback.  Oh, and their defense is too young and can’t stop the run at the second level.  And they’re still in the top half of teams in the league!

13. Miami Dolphins

Who can figure out this division, anyway?  They can’t beat the Jets at home, with Revis  and Kris Jenkins out, and Braylon Edwards serving his…er…”suspension” for the first quarter.  Brandon Marshall was having his way with the Jets secondary.  So what happened?  Chad Henne, that’s what.  Maybe he’s not “good enough to win a playoff game,” or even “good enough to make the playoffs,” or “good enough to get the ball to his top-five wideout.”  I mean, it tells you something that Ronnie Brown generally quarterbacks for them in the red zone out of the wildcat.  This I when you have the highest probability of scoring points.  And you’re letting your running back throw passes?  Yikes!

12. Houston Texans

Yeah, I’m dropping them this far.  Fuck ‘em.  Real men close out home games against their in-state rivals.  And I  don’t want to hear any of these “But, but, but, we didn’t have Andwe Johnson!” or “But, but, ouw left tackuwl got busted for stewoids!” excuses.  You sound like fucking babies.  Get over it.  Luckily, you get Oakland this week.  Think you ladies can close out that one?

11. Baltimore Ravens

So they beat the Jets and Cleveland, but lost to the Bengals?  Huh.  Amazing how that Cleveland secondary can make even Flacco look like a rock star.  It’s like the Browns are a full-service gas station—he hit $15.00 on the nose for that tank last week.    I still don’t trust them, no matter how good their defense is.

10. Kansas City Chiefs

They have so many home run hitters, it doesn’t even matter that they have wimpy singles-hitter Matt Cassell playing quarterback.  They’re like the Dodgers with James Loney at first base—they can afford the lack of production there as long as they have other guys producing.  They have been a bit lucky with the big plays so far, and luck tends to even out over the course of a full season, but that game against San Diego was huge, and if you bet against them taking the AFC West right now, you’re a fucking lunatic.

9. Chicago Bears

Sure they won that Monday Night game in spectacularly luck…err…skilled fashion.  But does anyone really think that on a neutral field right now, the Bears would beat the Packers?  I certainly don’t.  They relied on one of their ‘roided-out monster linebackers to pop the ball out of a receiver’s hands. That passes for good football nowadays?  I’m still not sold on Cutler yet, either—he is bound to have a string of those 1 TD, 3 INT games soon.  Count on it.

8. Atlanta Falcons

They lost to the best team in the league, beat one of the worst teams in the league (Arizona), and had to rely on a missed field goal to beat one of the better teams in the league?  I guess that’s not really a question, but do we really know what this team is yet from that sample size?  That said, they do get San Fran at home this week, so there’s a pretty good chance they’re coming out of this one 3-1.  Even still, will we really be able to tell anything about them after that one?  Food for thought…

7. Tennessee Titans

Perhaps I was a bit overzealous at the start of the season.  Or, maybe they just happened to draw the shit end of the stick at the wrong time against Pittsburgh.  (As an aside, where does that expression come from?  Instead of drawing straws in the past, in colonial times did they just gather up a bunch of sticks and have someone stick one up their ass, and the poor bastard that pulled the “shit” end of the stick had to do something really terrible?  Like clean chamber pots or become mayor?  The things you wish they taught you at Colonial Williamsburg…).  Still, as long as they can keep running, they’re good.  If you force them to pass, they can be beaten.

6. Philadelphia Eagles

What?  No this is not a reverse jinx!  What the fuck are you talking about?  Bitch, you cookin’?  Oil?  The bottom line is, as soon as defenses figure Vick out, they’re fucked.  While defenses let him play “throw the ball as far as you can and let your ridiculously fast receivers chase passes down,” they will lose.  Somebody will find a way to beat him.  Maybe instead of a nickel back, they should bring in an extra safety over the top and force him to make short-to-intermediate throws.  Just a thought.  And yes, I am available to interview for defensive coordinator positions.

5. New York Jets

I guess I’ll give it to ‘em.  Sure, why not?  Sanchez is really starting to come out of his shell.  Apparently, the coaching staff used to bitch at him so much that he was terrified to throw an INT and continually checked down.  Now, they are giving him more leeway.  Huh, who would have thought that a young quarterback might be fragile?  At any rate, if they can get healthy, and Sanchez can keep it up when Santonio Holmes comes back, they might—might—be able to make a deep run in the playoffs.

4. New Orleans Saints

Something’s off, Saints.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s Reggie being out.  Maybe it’s that Pierre Thomas can’t carry the water himself.  Shit, I don’t know, maybe you miss Mike Bell.  OR MAYBE IT’S THE DUMB FUCK FIELD GOAL KICKER THAT MISSES A FUCKING 29-YARDER!!!!  Either way, you know, not so impressive so far.  I mean, almost losing to the Niners?  Fucking unforgiveable.  That said, with Drew Brees as the QB, you’re automatically one of those teams that can be penciled in as a contender.  Still, though, you need to figure out what’s wrong, fast.

3. Green Bay Packers

Man, that was a tough one on Monday Night.  I don’t know what it is about this team.  Aaron Rodgers looks great.  The wideouts are okay.  The defense is good.  I mean, sure, they have no running back, but even still, they should have beat the Bears.  I don’t know if Rodgers is a non-closer, or if McCarthy is a fuck-up, or what.  I’m leaning towards McCarthy, as he apparently was threatened enough by a groundskeeper’s offhand comment to fire his ass.  What a shit nugget.

2. Indianapolis Colts

Maybe I’m being sucked in by the name.  Or maybe I trust Peyton Manning way more than any other QB and/or head coach in the league (at least during the regular season).  As expected, Peyton has them whipped into shape after that Week 1 loss to the Texans, because NO COLT LOSES TO THE FUCKING TEXANS!! HOO-RAH!! Or whatever he’s saying when he bitches out his wideouts.  I still think that they’re only second-best, though, to the…

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

It’s like they keep increasing the degree of difficulty each week for this team and they keep answering the call.  Beat the Falcons in OT?  Okay, we’ll see how you do against a damned good Tennessee team.  Beat them too?  Well let’s see how you do against an undefeated Bucs team with your fourth-string QB.  Wow, you beat them, also?  Wise guy, eh?  Ahhh, see, now you get Baltimore, seeee, let’s see how you do against them!  My guess is they figure out a way to win it.  And even if they don’t, they’re getting Therapist back for week 6 after their bye.  Unless they get utterly destroyed this week, I think they’ll probably be in this spot for another couple go-arounds.  Or not.  Fuck it.  What the fuck do I know?

Questions?  Comments?  Wondering why this is up early this week?  E-mail the Blogmogger team at

Saturday, September 25, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 3

Tennessee?  I was way off!  Okay, okay, now that we know that somehow QB IQ is correlated with success (unless you’re Michael Vick, but more on that later), I guess my Titans weren’t all that some people were making them out to be.  So sue me.  What?  You’re planning on it?  Please don’t.  Anyway, a lot changed this week, so let’s get to the rankings:
32. St. Louis Rams
I gave you my word, and my word is as strong as Oak…land was in the second half of that game on Sunday.  I think that it’s pretty obvious that we don’t exactly have Einstein and Niels Bohr coaching the team.  Instead, we have Pat “call runs when there are eight guys stacked in the box and change things up with 3 yard passes” Shurmer and Steve “Help!” Spagnuolo.  I think the “funniest” part of this whole thing is that on the local ESPN radio station, there is a commercial where Spagnuolo is fucking around with some of the drive time hosts, and he says, “I appreciate the effort, but I’m disappointed with the result,” in total monotone.  I’m pretty sure he’s delivered this line in the same way after 17 of his 18 games as a head coach.  Oh yeah, whenever you have three devastating personal fouls at pivotal moments in the game, it’s not going to help.  I mean, come on, fellas!  IT WAS THE FUCKING RAIDERS!!!   You know what, on second thought, just keep Bradford healthy and maybe he’ll pick this team up single-handedly starting with this week’s game against the ‘Skins.  He better, or else the Rams are fucked.
31. Carolina Panthers
Thanks for playing, guys.  You know, if you can say one thing about John Fox, it’s that he’s got a keen eye for QB talent.  First Jake Delhomme, then Matt Moore, now Jimmy Clausen gets the keys to take the offense for a spin.  Never mind that he’ll bring it back nearly totaled with a couple of fellas from the pier in it at 5:00 am while Fox angrily waits on the porch.  The important thing is that they figure out what kind of bust he will be sooner rather than later so that they can move on.
30. Arizona Cardinals
Jesus, if they get beaten that badly by the Falcons, and they barely beat the Rams, then how bad are the Rams?  I mean, Larry Fitzgerald should call the cops—they are stealing a season in his prime from him this year.  That’s at least one pro bowl he won’t get back.  If I were him, I’d be on the phone every day with Kurt Warner begging him to come back.  No, really, if it were me, I’d be crying and just really pathetic, sniveling like a little Phillip Rivers “Kuuurrrrttt!!!  Commmmmeeee BAAAAAAACCCCKK!  Waaaaah!  Waaaaah!”  You would lose any remaining respect you had for me (I’m sure not much to begin with).
29. Cleveland Browns
Is that box packed up yet, Mangini?  Got all of the pictures of your family in there?  Maybe a cheesy coffee mug or favorite desk lamp?  Oh, the lamp is the team’s?  And the mug?  And the family?  Jesus, do you own anything other than the shirt on your back?  You’re not wearing a shirt?  Excuse me…BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH….BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…Oh God, hold on, here comes the second wa…BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAHH…BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH…no, but seriously, that’s fucking disgusting.
28. Buffalo Bills
Isn’t this the same dance they did last year?   “Trent Edwards is our QB.  No wait, Fitzpatrick.  No, some other piece of shit that we’ll dig up.”  At some point, you have to address the position, fellas.  And please, DO NOT take Jake Locker if you want to rebuild this thing.  Remember J.P. Losmann?  Now imagine him, but with worse accuracy.  Doesn’t sound so good any more, does it?
27. Oakland Raiders
They’re still not any good.  Fucking Bruce Gradkowski.  I guess Jason Campbell was the problem.
26. Minnesota Vikings
Yeah, I did it.  What the fuck are you gonna do about it? The Vikings remind me of the Rams last year (not good).  Good RB, no wideouts, shitty QB, doesn’t matter how good the defense is.  I mean, really, at this point they should tell Favre “thanks, but no thanks,” and send him home so that they can tank the rest of the season and be in position next year to draft Andrew Luck.  Luck strikes me as the Bradford type—he can step in immediately and have an impact.  Of course, if they continue on with Favre, they may end up tanking the season anyway.  Let’s move on…
25. San Francisco 49ers
HOW CAN YOU NOT BEAT THE CHAMPS WHEN YOU HAVE THEM ON THE ROPES!!!  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!  I guess when Alex Smith is your QB and crazy Mike Singletary is your coach, anything is possible!
24. Seattle Seahawks
Um…I suppose the Broncos are better than you, Pete Carroll.  I…err…guess… that Matt Hassellbeck is still an…hmm…”okay” quarterback.  This is headed for disaster.  And yes, all 4 NFC West teams are in the bottom quarter of the league.  Quit yer’ fucking bitching already.
 23. Dallas Cowboys
This could get really ugly really quickly.  Jerry Jones gave Wade Phillips the dreaded “vote of confidence” this week, so if he loses, he might want to pack his shit up in a box.  Why do owners even give the vote of confidence?  Is it to motivate the coaches?  If so, wouldn’t a “yeah, he’s been a shitty coach, he’s on the hot seat” motivate him better?  If that happened to me, I’d lock myself in a fucking room with a notepad and watch film and draw up plays right up until game time.  Could we call it the “vote of no confidence?”
22. Detroit Lions
As every “pundit” has been quick to point out, they are the best 0-2 team in the league.  Jahvid Best is making me look like a fucking genius.  By the way, is there any way you can buy stock in athletes’ careers?  If so, I would be the fucking Warren Buffett of rookie running backs.  I guess I am saved from my disgrace last year because there wasn’t a single rookie RB that contributed.  Best is…well… “best.”   I’m also not too broken up about Stafford missing some time. As far as I’m concerned, Shaun Hill is a little more accurate and has a little more experience than Mr. Frat Jacuzzi
21. Jacksonville Jaguars
After that ass-kicking last week at the hands of the fucking Chargers, of all teams, you might want to keep your shit packed in a box, Jaguars.  It’s only a matter of time before this team moves to L.A. anyway—as a Rams fan, we can only hope that (1) these fucking hicks around here aren’t stupid enough to vote against an outdoor, retractable roof stadium, and (2) L.A. does not want 2 teams.  Whatta ya think ya are, New Jersey?  I mean, how “awful” would it have really been to draft Tebow in the first round?  At the very least, you’d have a new QB to plug in at Week 8.
20. Denver Broncos
You can try to get away, Broncos, but I’m still going to fucking marry you to the Jags until you prove that you should be higher.  You’ll have ample opportunity in the coming weeks, as you have Indy, at Tennessee, and at Baltimore.   If you win two of those, you go higher.  Otherwise, this feels about right.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I believe it was Bill Simmons himself that described Josh Freeman as looking like a “young Ben Roethlisberger.”  I mean, honestly, with a competent head coach, this should be the Rams’ spot.  Bradford is 10 times the QB that Freeman is.  Still, maybe I was wrong about this guy being a huge bust.  The only thing that worries me about him is that he was a 59% passer at the Big 12…where everybody runs the spread offense.  Still, prove me wrong, Raheem and Josh!
18. Philadelphia Eagles
This is a bit lower than most people probably have the Iggles, but how can I possibly put them higher after this whole QB fiasco?  Obviously, the locker room wanted Vick in there, but if you’re Andy Reid, you have to stick to your guns.  Vick still seems overmatched by the intellectual aspects of the game (there aren’t many), and appears to be, for lack of a better word, dumb.  Oh, and they barely beat the Lions even with Vick in there.  This has clusterfuck written all over it.
17. New York Giants
Not good, Tom Coughlin.  Not good at all.  Peyton really came in, stole his brother’s lunch money, and bloodied his nose, didn’t he?  Luckily, the game last week was over by the time Mad Men was on, so we were able to watch the episode without distraction.  By the way, did anyone else get the feeling that this last episode of Mad Men was just kind of moving the pieces around for the rest of the season?  I mean, Lost had 10 of these episodes per season, Mad Men has one.  Go figure.
16. Washington Redskins
That was a tough one to take, Skins.  Fucking Matt Schaub, am I right?  It was painful to watch that OT and see Gary Kubiak be rewarded for pussing out by punting when he had a 52-yard field goal set up.  I guess you get the Rams this week, but I’d be careful—everyone is picking you, so that usually means that something is up, especially with a 3.5 point spread. And by the way, DOES ANYONE ELSE REMEMBER THAT CLINTON PORTIS IS THE STARTING RUNNING BACK FOR THIS TEAM?!?!  Not good…
15. Cincinnati Bengals
Despite the win over the Ravens, I’m not sold on this team.  I think that Carson Palmer’s time has passed.  Send him to the glue factory.  Outside of him, they have a cast-off running back, two wideouts that are more interested in tweeting than playing, and a defense that rivals Fort Leavenworth for number of convictions.  Did I mention that the QBs brother is his backup?  If they even have one injury on offense, they’re fucked, right?
14. San Diego Chargers
I guess the baby (Phil Rivers) slept soundly after that ass-kicking of the Jags.  Maybe Norv Turner popped out a nipple that he could suck on.  Or maybe somebody finally noticed that he was crying because he pooped his pants.  Either way, you probably shouldn’t be too loud around him so that you don’t wake him up.  We’ve all seen those kind of ugly tantrums before.  I can just see Norv Turner dragging Rivers through a movie theater as Rivers cries and yells, whispering to people as they go by “Sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Sorry.”  Good times.
13. Kansas City Chiefs
Pretty good, Chiefs.  Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.  I wouldn’t trust Matt Cassell to give me directions to the nearest Starbucks, but they’ve been able to succeed with him.  By the way, if you’re Todd Haley, what the fuck are you thinking by giving Thomas Jones the majority of the carries?  Jamaal Charles is a home-run hitter like fucking Mark McGwire.  He is probably the second best running back in the league to Chris Johnson.  And what does he do on Sundays?  He has a ballcap on and fetches Thomas Jones his water.  Come on, Jamaal!  I’d trade Steven Jackson for you in a St. Louis second (roughly a minute).
12. New England Patriots
They had the Jets last week.  Fucking had them dead to rights.  But they couldn’t step on the throat and finish the job.  I am thoroughly enjoying the Tom Brady “my wife won’t let me cut my hair” subplot, as well.  Really, Tom?  Why don’t you just cut your dick off and be done with it?  I guess that’s why I’m single.
11. New York Jets
“HAIL REVIS, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME.”  Now, you’re probably thinking “what the fuck did Revis do last week?  All I saw him do was get burned by Moss for a TD.”  Well, if you watched Hard Knocks, you know that the Jets credit him for everything short of curing cancer and winning the Nobel Prize.  Too bad he can’t designated drive.  I’m not totally sold on Sanchez yet, either, which is unfortunate because he’s the backup QB on my fantasy team.
10. Atlanta Falcons
Way to beat up on the shitty teams, Matt Ryan.  By the way, is there any reason I should think that Michael Turner will be able to finish out the season?  And is there any reason why they should hand the job back to Turner when Jason Snelling is tearing shit up?
9. Tennessee Titans
Sure they lost last week.  And sure, Vince Young looked like an asshole.  And sure, if they have to go with Kerry Collins for an extended period of time, they’re totally fucked.  But they lost to what is (in my opinion and SPOILER ALERT) the best team in the league last week.  I can’t drop them too far.  That said, it’s a quarterback-driven league now, and if your quarterback needs help to tie his shoes or go to the bathroom, you might have a serious problem.  We’ll keep watching (not when Vince goes to the john.  Jesus Fucking Christ, get your mind out of the gutter). 
8. Chicago Bears
They should be 1-1.  But you know what?  Good teams find ways to steal those types of games.  I love the Mike Martz rebirth, too.  Would anyone in St. Louis be upset if we canned Spagnuolo and brought Martz back after this season?  The only reason I would even pause for a minute is that bringing him back would entail teaching his system to Bradford, and at this young age, it might be impossible for Bradford to learn how to be an actual QB that has to throw to routes instead of places.  Still, it is an intriguing thought.
7. Baltimore Ravens
Terrible loss to the Bengals.  I just don’t trust Joe Flacco at all.  He just seems like the type of guy that ends up paying $14.98 or $17.01 for gas.   The unfortunate part of it is that Marc Bulger is now the backup QB, so they would almost get worse by pulling him.  Thankfully for John Harbaugh, their defense is fucking great, so they might be able to keep it going.  By the way, did anyone else see Ray Rice’s face on milk cartons this past week?  He has been MIA for a while.
6. Houston Texans
I’m still not sold.  They really should be 1-1.  Taking that punt in overtime is inexcusable—I am certain the football gods will take one back from them down the road.  Also, apparently Adrian Foster has some ball security issues, according to Bill Simmons.  This has “we’re 2-0, we’re the hot pick” then “how did we get to be 8-8?” written all over it.  That said, until they start that downward spiral, I’ll keep them here.
5. Miami Dolphins
They are just a really well-coached, well-run team.  Chad Henne does well enough.  Sparano is the type of guy you want coaching your team (basically a stand-in for Parcells), and they have a monster defense.  Don’t tell JSugar, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they made it to the Super Bowl this year.  They are the darkest of horses right now. 
4. Indianapolis Colts
I guess they climbed right back on the wagon, didn’t they?  Peyton is back.  It really has to wear on him, being the best quarterback in the league and head coach.  Seriously, when he retires, do they just plug him in as head coach immediately?  If not, is there any way I can get the Rams to do so?  It’s like Madden ’04 where the retired players immediately become coaching candidates—I just won like 3 Super Bowls in a row with Derrick Brooks as my head coach.  And yes, I still play Madden ’04 on my X-Box.  You know why?  It’s the best fucking version of the game by far.  I haven’t bought Madden in like 3 years, but if EA released a version of Madden ’04 with updated rosters, I’d buy it in a second.  Really, that goes for most games, especially Ken Griffey baseball for SNES and NHL ’94 for Genesis.  This is a huge market waiting to be exploited.
3. New Orleans Saints
Eeeeeeee…did it just get hot in here, or is it me?  I mean, they did end up taking care of business against the Niners, but their balls got a little close to the bandsaw.  Brees has been good, not great, and Reggie Bush is out for quite a while now.  After this game against Atlanta, they have 4 easy ones (Carolina, at Arizona, at Tampa Bay, Cleveland), so they should be able to pile up some wins.  Still, I’m starting to get a bit worried about them.
2. Green Bay Packers
Though they’re here for now, I get a really bad feeling about them Monday Night against Chicago.  Don’t get me wrong, I think Aaron Rodgers will do well (AND MY FANTASY TEAM IS COUNTING ON YOU, ASSHOLE), but something doesn’t seem right.  They’re getting 3 on the road, so it feels like the type of game that Chicago will get blown out of, or they will win outright.  That said, the Packers are fucking good.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
They’re 2-0 already.  I said from the beginning they could go 2-2 here and still be in good shape to make then playoffs once Rapey McRaperson came back from his suspension for…well…rape.  They have at Tampa Bay, and then Baltimore at home over the next two weeks.  They should be 3-1 after those two.  Then they get a bye, and Big Ben gets to ease back in like an old man into a warm bath against Cleveland at home in week 6.  I think the bigger point is that THEY’VE PROVEN THEY CAN WIN WITH FUCKING DENNIS DIXON AS THEIR QUARTERBACK!!!  Most teams bitch about having a shitty quarterback and still can’t win.  The Steelers just take care of fucking business and, oh yeah, have a top-ten quarterback coming in for them in week 6.  Is there any reason this team shouldn’t be a top-2 seed in the AFC?
Questions?  Comments?  Wondering why I reference Bill Simmons so much in my posts?  E-mail the Blogmogger team at  You might even get featured in a mailbag.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 2 2010

Well, that was a hell of a first week, wasn’t it?  We…uh…well…I would say that we learned a lot, but we really didn’t.  Oh well.  On to the week 2 rankings.
32. Oakland Raiders
They looked really, really bad against the Titans last week.  Now, the Titans are awesome, and they may even go to the Super Bowl, but there’s no reason that every single Raider should get blown up as much as they did.  It was ridiculous.  I have never seen a team so thoroughly get the ever living shit beaten out of them.  Thank God the Rams get them this week.
31. Cleveland Browns
You might want to keep your shit packed in a box, Mangini.  Jake Delhomme is obviously not the answer.  Over under for number of weeks until Colt McCoy gets in a game: 6.  You might want to take the under the way things are going.
30. San Francisco 49ers
Too bad, Mike Singletary.  Really, it is.  Huh, who would’ve thought that Ale Smith is still terrible?  Oh, me?  Wow.  I mean, can we please end the Bradford-Alex Smith comparisons, folks?  Bradford already looks much better than Smith ever did.  If Alex Smith is starting for your high school team, you’re in trouble.  In the NFL, it gets you a four touchdown loss to the Seahawks.  Ugh.
29. Buffalo Bills
I mean, they kept it relatively close against the Dolphins, who are a pretty good team right now.  Trent Edwards is a big problem though—I was way off in this post.  If you’re a Bills fan, you just gotta hope that Oakland or Cleveland loses more games than them, just to take the gun away from their head in the Jake Locker “sweepstakes.”
28.  Arizona Cardinals
I guess the Derek Anderson experiment worked this week.  Too bad he’s fucking terrible.
27. Carolina Panthers
Maybe Matt Moore isn’t as good as y’all thought, eh John Fox?  What’s that?  Jimmy Clausen is your backup?  Well, I guess you’re royally fucked then.  Here’s a thought—keep feeding your running backs the ball.  At least they won’t toss it directly to the other team.
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Way to beat up on the Browns.  I bet that makes you feel like a big man, Raheem Morris.  Well, fuck you—your team still sucks.
25. St. Louis Rams
That Cardinals game was frustrating as hell last week.  I only got to watch the first half because I was travelling, but Jesus, how does this team consistently snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?  At least Bradford looked good—Wisenhunt even said as much in his post-game interview.  I fully expect a win this week over the Raiders—if not, I’ll put them at 32 next week.
24. Denver Broncos
23. Jacksonville Jaguars
I’m grouping these two teams together because I watched a lot of their game last weekend, and I’ll be goddamned if I could tell anything from it.  Is Jacksonville better than Denver?  Maybe.  But maybe Denver had a bad game, or got lost in the slop down there.  It’s a toss-up.  Whatever.  Fuck ‘em.
22. Detroit Lions
Yeah, you got shit on.  You know what?  It fucking happens.  I guess big ole’ Southern Boy Matt Stafford isn’t quite as durable as y’all thought, now is he?  And Jahvid Best didn’t look as good as he did in the preseason.  Shaun Hill has proven roughly nothing in his NFL career.  I guess Ndam Suh looked ok, but things could get rough for these guys.
21. Seattle Seahawks
Um…I guess?  Who knows?  Maybe they’re that good, or maybe the Niners are that bad.  Either way, they made a fool of me, and I don’t like being made a fool of.  You’ll get yours, Seahawks.  You’ll get yours…
20. Chicago Bears
You hear that, Bears?  That’s the bullet you just dodged whizzing by your temple.  It would be nice if Matt Forte could run a little better, but I’ll take the receiving yards and TDs on my fantasy team any day.  Godspeed, Bears.  Godspeed.
19. San Diego Chargers
Waaaaaaaaaah!  Waaaaaaaaaaah!  Waaaaaaaaah!  Sorry, I was doing my Phillip Rivers impersonation.  What a fucking cry-baby.  Fuck him.  These guys suck.
18. Philadelphia Eagles
Goddamn I hate Michael Vick.  I’m a bit of a dog-lover, so I have no patience for a real cock that thinks that torturing dogs is a good time.  Fuck him.  That said, he’s also a pretty shitty QB. Everyone forgets that he always had big games against the Packers back in the day.  But since nobody seems to remember what happened at the end of his time in Atlanta, let me give you a little history lesson.  The Bucs always were hell for Vick because they play a Cover 2, where their corners press up and cover the flats.  This contains Vick and forces him to throw.  And guess what?  HE CAN’T FUCKING THROW!  Give the team that’s playing him a week to prepare, and they’ll put in some variation of the Cover 2 to stop him.  You heard it here first.
17. Cincinnati Bengals
A lot of talk, not much action.  Same old Bengals.  By the way, does it seem like USC QBs just turn to absolute shit when they get out of college?  Carson Palmer is the best of the bunch, and he only had a couple of Pro Bowl seasons.  Leinart was Hindenburg-tastic in Arizona, and Sanchez is filling the blimp up with helium in New York.  I guess Cassell has a shot in KC, but I wouldn’t bet my car on it.  They all seem so mentally weak and fucking childish—not a leader in the bunch.  Even though Carson had a good stat day, he did not look good.  Unless he turns it around, they’re in trouble in a tough AFC North.
16. New York Jets
Shut your fucking trap, Rex Ryan, you fat fuck.  I guess Revis didn’t solve all of your problems, did he?  It sucks when you guys have a shitty USC QB calling the shots, especially when he checks down more than Johnny Chan.  Maybe they’ll turn it around, but Shonn Greene looks fucking terrible, and I think that LaDanian Tomlinson is about as good at carrying the water as Jack and Jill.
15. Dallas Cowboys
Ha!  Hey Cowboys, just a tip—if the Rams want to trade you their starting left tackle, there’s probably a good reason for it.  I mean, seriously, did they not watch any Rams games last year?  This guy is a bona-fide drive killer.  I guess he’s graduated to killing games now.  He’s like some kind of weird, bored football serial killer—maybe he’ll turn it up another notch and kill their season, too. 
14. Atlanta Falcons
Don’t make me look like an asshole, Matt Ryan.  I trusted you, buddy.  You better get your shit together real soon, I tell ya’ what.  You hear that, boy?  Don’t you sass me like that.  Fucking win a football game, dick.
13. Minnesota Vikings
Let’s be clear about one thing: Brett Favre will miss a start this year.  If not, he may actually die on the field.  He is too injured, and if not, the game has passed him by.  So you have to factor in a couple of Tavaris Jackson losses, and those won’t be pretty.  They just looked really bad in the opener, so we’ll see if they can turn it around.
12. Washington Redskins
Goddamn, this is high for them.  I don’t like buying into the hype, I really don’t.  So why this high?  Jason Campbell absolutely appears to have been the problem in D.C., so maybe over a full season with McNabb at QB, they can possibly sneak into the playoffs.  Allthough they may need Alex Barron’s help again.
11. Kansas City Chiefs
Sure, why not?  They have 2 bona-fide RBs, including a genuine home-run hitter in Jamaal Charles.  They have a Swiss-Army Knife gadget man in Dexter McCluster.  Matt Cassel didn’t look great, but all he has to be is “good enough.”  And in that monsoon on Monday, he looked “good enough.”
10. Indianapolis Colts
They always say not to put too much stock in what happens in week 1, but the Texans finally stepped on their throats, and they’re still gagging pretty badly.  Peyton is going to have to do a better coaching job this week.  They’re a year older and somewhat beaten up, but they probably have a 9-7 year in them.  They might even turn it around, but the AFC South looks like it’s so tough this year that they might be in for a fall.
9. Miami Dolphins
I mean, this feels about right for the marine mammals.  Chad Henne is good enough, and Ronnie Brown can carry the water as long as he’s healthy.  And that’s all I have to say about that.
8. New York Giants
Ha.  After all of that bitching from Giants fans about how this is a rebuilding year and all of the experts talking about the other 3 teams in the division, the Giants sure looked like the best team in that division last week.  Eli does enough to get the job done.  If they’d just pull the trigger on a deal for a RB, they’d be in really good shape.  Hakeem Nicks looks like the real deal, too, continuing the trend of “I draft a rookie wideout one year, then he breaks out the next.”  Tom Coughlin, you may keep your job yet.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers
Well hey, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?  You don’t need that big ol’ sex offender at QB, now do you?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if they can get through these first 4 games at 2-2, they’ll be in great shape to make the playoffs.
6. Green Bay Packers
That was a relatively unimpressive victory over the Eagles.  Aaron Rodgers needs to put up bigger numbers so that my fantasy te…er…so that they do better on offense.  With how weak the NFC North is this year, they should coast to the division title.
5. Houston Texans
This is a pretty high jump, but I think they’ve earned it.  Matt Schaub finally closed one.  He’s like the Anthony Michael Hall character in any number of 80s movies—the nerd that never can make it with the hot chick.  Well guess what, folks?  The movie’s over now, and guess who’s fucking the cheerleader?  Also, Arian Foster looks to be a hell of a RB.  Although these RBs that went to Tennessee have a tendency of coming on strong and flaming out (Travis Minor, anyone?).  We’ll see if they can keep it up.
4. New England Patriots
Well, I guess they answered the doubters.  They bloodied the noses of those little upstart Bengals, now didn’t they?  Brady obviously has it again, and their young defense appears to be gelling.  That crotchety old fuck Belichick won’t allow them get complacent, and with Moss already making noise about leaving, this could be their last great team for a couple of years.  Never count them out—especially if they get to tape the other team’s practices.  (As an aside, is it just me or has everyone outside of St. Louis forgotten that SpyGate ever happened?  I mean, sure, the Pats lost a first round pick, but isn’t that worth it to win a Super Bowl?  I’m sure 31 teams would make that deal—and the only reason Al Davis might not is because he might be dead.  Let’s move on…)
3. Baltimore Ravens
“Oh wow, we held the Jets to 9 points!  We’re the fucking best!”  Let’s not get too nuts yet, fellas.  Sure, the defense looks great.  And I’m sure that they’ll look good on D for the rest of the year.  But if I’m John Harbaugh or Ray Lewis, I use the fact that the Jets appear to be terrible as motivation going forward.  Still the favorite in the AFC North.
2. New Orleans Saints
They probably should’ve done better against what looks to be a pretty terrible Vikings team.  Oh well, a win’s a win.  And it’s especially a win for Vegas when they push it out and Vegas gets to keep their 10%.  We’ll see if they can keep it going this week—it’s not like the NFC South is that tough or anything this year.
1. Tennessee Titans
Man, these guys looked good against the Raiders last week.  Granted, that’s not exactly playing the Saints or anything, but I mean, they looked really good.  They were just blowing up guys like a bunch of those inflatable Shamu whales for the pool.  Chris Johnson looks to be good for at least one long touchdown every week.  And this year, it looks like the Colts may be off a bit, so maybe they (and the Texans) will finally make this the year where they slay the dragon and step on the throat of the beast.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

2010 Inaugural NFL Power Rankings

Loyal readers of the Mog will remember the golden age of this fine site.  It was the fall of 2008.  I had no responsibilities, so I’d wake up every day and piddle around on the old laptop a bit.  I put out like 10 articles on consecutive days for that brief stretch of time.  Ah, those were the days…
One of my favorite pieces to write during that era was the power poll for all 32 NFL teams.  Because it’s fun for me and, quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck whether or not anyone else cares, I’m going to fire it up again now.  So here you go--this time IN REVERSE ORDER!!!:
32. Buffalo Bills
Quite simply, the bottom of the barrel.  I feel really sorry for Bills fans.  How can you go from making the Super Bowl four years in a row (albeit losing every single one of them) to this travesty?  They have a horrible stadium, horrible weather, and, oh yeah,  NO FREE AGENT WANTS TO LIVE IN FUCKING BUFFALO.  I think C.J. Spiller was probably a good pick, but it's not like he's going to win games for them single-handedly.  If anything, it's a pick that sets them up to get the first overall pick next year, and I have a really bad feeling about Jake Locker.  I mean, like Ryan Leaf bad.  This is a guy that has built up to a 58% completion percentage over the course of his college career, folks.  His first year as a starter his completion percentage was 47%!  Thank god he took the gun away from the Rams’ head this year by not declaring for the draft—I’ve heard rumors that he would’ve been number one on their draft board, even ahead of Bradford.  Thanks Jake! 
Seriously, though, I really hope this team doesn’t move to Toronto—you deserve better than that, Buffalo.
31. Arizona Cardinals
Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Losing Kurt Warner and handing the reigns to one of two clowns (Matt Leinart or Derek Anderson) is the biggest downgrade since Jude Law went from Sienna Miller to the nanny.  I mean, Leinart is such an amazing asshole/douchebag.  I can’t believe that this guy didn’t pick up a single thing from holding a clipboard for three years behind Kurt Warner.  What a dick.  He referred to Anderson as “the Other Guy” in interviews with the media, and has just had an unbelievable sense of entitlement throughout the whole competition.  Hey Matt—nobody gives a shit how “awesome” you were at USC, bro.  This is the NFL.  You’re about to learn how shitty it can be for a cry-baby hack.  Fucking deal with it.
30. Seattle Seahawks
Let’s see, one of their QBs is over-the-hill and always injured.  The other is a fourth-year player who had a completion percentage in college of 59% and hasn’t played a down in the NFL.  Justin Forsett is apparently their starting running back.  Pete Carroll’s best friend (other Mike Williams) has lost 40 pounds and now starts at receiver for them.  Good team, though.  By the way, Pete, all of the teams get to pay their players at this level.  Just so you know.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
They had a solid draft this season, picking up Gerald McCoy and apparent 4th round steal Mike Williams.  Unfortunately, I don’t know if that’s enough to compensate for scared, paranoid head coach Raheem Morris and “Two Seasons Away From Being a Bust” QB Josh Freeman.  To be honest, I don’t know if this team is trying to be defense first or offense first or who knows what, but I don’t like them at all.

28. Cleveland Browns
I give them the edge over the Bucs because Mike Holmgren is calling the shots now.  This is the guy that wanted to trade the Rams his whole draft for Sam Bradford, so the man obviously has a keen eye for talent.  Unfortunately, he also brought in Jake Delhomme this off-season.  As I’ve stated before, I’m pretty sure that I can throw a football farther and more accurately than Delhomme can at this point.  Here’s how this dance will go: Delhomme starts the first 8 games, the Browns go 2-6, fans start clammering for Colt McCoy to get it, Eric Mangini relents, McCoy rallies them to maybe a 4-4 record for the rest of the year, Cleveland celebrates thinking they have solved their QB situation.  That’s probably the best case scenario for this season.  Worst case: “With the first overall pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select…”

27. Carolina Panthers
Man, these guys should have watched some tape of Jimmy Clausen before they picked him in the second round.  It was like a nerd that pines after a cheerleader as a prom date, but doesn’t ask her to go, only to have her ask him.  He never thought it would happen, so of course, he’s in for it and thinks he’s the luckiest guy in the world.  Then prom night comes.  She’s a total idiot.  She smells terrible.  Maybe she rips a wet fart in the limo on the way over.  I guess my point is, maybe there was a reason that none of the football players were taking this chick to the prom in the first place.  Well, Panthers, maybe there was a reason that none of the other teams took Jimmy Clausen in the first round and a half of the draft.  Oh yeah, and good running game, not much else for these guys.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars
Is Jack Del Rio still coaching this team?  Really?  I mean, come on, at this point, you have to know that he’s not going to win you a Super Bowl.  I guess it doesn’t really matter since football in Jacksonville got a death sentence earlier this year when the Jags passed on Tim Tebow to take…a defensive tackle that was projected to go in the second round?   I mean, I don’t care if you have a third round grade on Tebow, if you’re Jacksonville, and you want to put asses in the seats and sell some t-shirts, you take Tim Tebow at #10 overall, no brainer.  I thought you were running a business here, fellas.  Shame on you.  Shame on all of you.
25. Detroit Lions
Don’t get me wrong, Ndamakong Suh looks like kind of a bad-ass.  I was never down on Suh—nothing against you, Ndam—but I just thought between the once-in-a-generation DT and once-in-a-generation QB (albeit with some injury concerns), you take the QB every day and twice on Sundays.  Well, the Lions got stuck with Matt Stafford last season, who was a career 57% passer in college, and who looked absolutely terrible against the Rams last season, handing them their only win.  That said, I’m high on Jahvid Best in the backfield.  Among my friends in my St. Louis-fantasy league, I have had the gift for picking rookie running backs that end up being the top rookie fantasy back.  It started with Adrian Peterson and continued up until last year, where I took Beanie Wells.  I took Best in both of my leagues this year.  Have I lost my touch?  Especially with C.J. Spiller looking incredible for Buffalo?  You know what I think?  Fuck you.
24. Denver Broncos
They do have Jesus on their side, which is nice.  Unfortunately, they also have bat-shit crazy Josh McDaniels pulling the strings, who does crazy shit like trade away first round picks for shitty nickel corners and hop around like an asshole after beating Bill Belichick.  Kyle Orton is “allright.”  Knowshown Moreno is “okay.”  Jabar Gaffney is “not totally awful.”  Elvis Dumervill is “out for the season with a pec injury.”  I just don’t think this is their year, and I doubt [Broncos Owner] Pat Bowlen lets McDaniels stick around for another year if they end up going, say, 6-10. 

23. Oakland Raiders
A super-deep sleeper in the AFC West this year.  We’ve all heard the quips about how if Jason Campbell can give them a C+ year at QB, they’ll improve a lot from the F- they were getting from JaMarcus Russell at the position.  Seriously, though, Michael Bush is a solid runner, they keep rebuilding the WR corps, and they didn’t totally fuck up the draft this year.  In that division?  They definitely have a chance.
22. San Francisco 49ers
Everybody is guzzling the Kool-Aid on the Niners this year.  Am I crazy, or is Alex Smith still quarterbacking this team?  Oh he is?  And Frank Gore, is this the same guy that is injury prone and who’s backup just retired for no reason?  Oh that’s him, too?  Huh.  This comes down to the QB situation.  Alex Smith is, for lack of a better word, horrible.  It literally made me angry to hear people compare Sam Bradford to him leading up to the draft.  I mean, they aren’t similar at all.  Bradford can actually play.  Smith is the product of a true gimmick offense.  Whatever—they have a good defense, and Patrick Willis is a badass, but I don’t think the offense can do well enough with Smith in there to win football games.  Prove me wrong, Alex.
21. Chicago Bears
I don’t know what the fuck to think about the Bears.  They could go anywhere from 5-11 to 10-6.  Can Jay Cutler do anything other than throw a ball through plywood?  Will Matt Forte bounce back?  Is Julius Peppers even still good at football?  Is Mike Martz washed up as a playcaller?  So many questions, so few answers.  I still think any of the teams above beat them.
20.  St. Louis Rams
You laugh.  Okay, okay, that’s enough.  Hey, come on now, stop laughing.  Seriously.  This is just mean at this point.  What an asshole.  Come on, stop.  Okay, now you’re pissing me off.  Fucking stop it.  I mean it.  SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP LAUGHING!  DICK!
Seriously, though, Bradford has looked this good in the last couple of preseason games.  I think all you really need to know is that Bill Simmons has Bradford ranked as the best QB in the NFC West right now.  Now, I know Bill Simmons is far from the authority on this type of thing, but even he recognizes the terrible QB situations that all three other teams in this division have.  It also helps not having Alex Barron, who killed more drives than a Monster Truck with his false starts and ill-timed holding penalties.  Rookie Roger Saffold looks good at LT.  And Bradford loves going to these young TEs (quick fantasy tip—if you’re looking for a deep, deep sleeper at TE, Michael Hoomanawanui could put up some pretty big numbers this year).  Provided he starts the first game, and the Rams come out and make a statement against Arizona, they might just steal the NFC West.  Okay, now it’s fine to start laughing again.
 19. Kansas City Chiefs
They are basically the Saints minus Drew Brees:  Three guys that can run the ball well, a bunch of decent receivers, improving defense that could use another pass-rusher, etc.  Now, granted, that drop-off from Brees to Cassell is a big one.  I remember watching a documentary about high school kids in the late 90s called “Freshman Year” or something like that, (and no, I definitely initially was not looking at the channel guide for HBO and hoping it was a college-themed  “After Dark” program.  I swear!)  and Cassell’s totally closet-case younger brother was one of the guys they followed.  I just remember Cassell was the starting high school QB at the time, giving off the whole BMOC vibe and whatnot.  Well, Matt, you lucked into your big contract, so let’s see that BMOC come out and PLAY SOME GODDAMNED MISTAKE-FREE FOOTBALL FOR ONCE YOU FUCKHEAD!  Jesus Christ.
18. New York Giants
Another team that maybe should be higher than I have them.  With how their defense regressed last year, you’d think Steve Spagnuolo was some kind of genius.  As a Rams fan, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  Call it a gut feeling.  Also, they really could’ve used CJ Spiller instead of workout warrior Jason Pierre-Paul, seeing as though Brandon Jacobs has turned into Ron Dayne.  Still, they are probably a better team than a lot of people think, though my buddy Org of Vegas fame is a huge Giants fan and picks them for 8-8 tops.  So fuck me, I guess.
17. Washington Redskins
Ah, Donovan.  I guess we’ll see if he’s overrated or not this year, eh Rush?  In all seriousness, even though D-Mac gets dumped on like Staten Island, he is actually a pretty capable QB.  He is hurt at the moment, and his running back is Clinton Portis, who looked like a 90-year-old washwoman at times last season, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Also, I think Mike Shanahan is going to come back refreshed after his year-long exile from the game.  Although we saw how that went for Napoleon, now didn’t we?  On second thought, this is probably about right. 

16. New England Patriots

I'm not ashamed to admit that I listen to Bill Simmons’ podcast, and today I heard the NFL preview podcast with Cousin Sal.  I think Simmons hit the nail on the head—they have a 2005-2006 Rams feel about them right now, which should have them right at 7-9 or 8-8.  Now, they are farther along in the rebuilding process since they actually have some good players from the past couple of drafts, whereas the Rams might as well have not drafted in those two years and just saved the signing bonus money.  But it just feels like a down year for the Pats, considering they don’t even have a decent running back at the moment.
15. Minnesota Vikings
I think this is an appropriate discount for these guys.  Brett Favre might be due for a bit of a drop-off.  I can only imagine what it was like when a bunch of his teammates visited him in Mississippi.  Which one of these arguments do you think won out?
-“Come on back for one more year—our window is closing.”
-“Please don’t make us go out there with Tavaris Jackson starting.”
-“You don’t really want it to be October, have your wife up your ass about something, have your kid doing something stupid, be watching NFL Live, then your ankle feels better, and the closest you can get to the NFL is playing touch football in jeans with a bunch of morons like some kind of an asshole, right?”
-”Sack up, pussy.”
That’s what I thought.  Seriously, though, Favre gave an interview the other day about how he’s “not sure” if his ankle will hold up for the entire season.  Are you shitting me?  Why come back now, then?  I’d say sit out for the first three games or so, and if Tavaris Jackson shits the bed so badly that they go 0-3, then bring in the old man.  The games in December and January mean a lot more than the games in September.  Then again, given his choke jobs through the years, I’m not entirely sure Brett understands that.
14. Cincinnati Bengals
Ugh.  I don’t want to put them this high.  I really don’t think that TO is going to make that much of a difference.  Also, they may want to think about finding somebody to replace Carson Palmer.  I mean, not immediately or anything, but they should start thinking about finding a developmental guy in the second or third round to groom.  He maybe has two more good years of “I’m just good enough to win a Super Bowl” football left in him, and that’s if he stays healthy.  He hasn’t exactly been Cal Ripken out there.  Hopefully they figure things out before that becomes an issue.
13.San Diego Chargers
This team won 13 games last season?  Really?  Can somebody fact check that for me?  I just can’t fucking believe it.  This team has been fueled by steroids for so many years now, at some point they just have to give out.  It’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger; on the outside, he is the epitome of health and vitality.  Only later do you find that he has all kinds of heart and other health problems.  Oh, and guess what?  HE WAS ON FUCKING STEROIDS.  Well, that’s the Chargers.  Also, Norv Turner is a shitty coach.
12. Miami Dolphins
I’m nervous about Chad Henne.  He’s not quite laundry-man Cleo Lemon, who hung wideouts out to dry like a pair of wet socks.  He’s also not exactly Kurt Warner, either.  Maybe Brandon Marshall will help him take the next step, which in this case would be “average NFL QB.”  What makes it so painful is that otherwise this team is pretty damned good.  We’ll see if Henne can make the…err…”hop.”

11. Pittsburgh Steelers
I mean, Jesus Christ, Ben.  Keep it in your pants already, whydontcha?  Nobody wants to see that thing.  They can maybe make the playoffs if they go 1-3 (or 2-4) during Ben’s suspension , which isn’t entirely out of the question.  Then again, everyone else seems to think that the AFC South and East runners up are already ticketed for the playoffs, so what the fuck do I know?
10.  Philadelphia Eagles
This may be a bit low.  I’m high on Kevin Kolb, especially since it will lead to all kinds of “Inception” jokes while watching Eagles games.  LeSean McCoy has enough to become the featured back there—shit, he did it for most of last year.  Maclin and Jackson are fine young receivers.   So why this low?  On the off-chance that Kolb doesn’t pan out, they will be a train-wreck, as I don’t trust asshole dog-killer Mike Vick to make correct change for a dollar in quarters, let alone run an offense.
9. Houston Texans
Aw, fuck it.  Yeah, I’m buying in.  I really, really dislike this team, mainly because I think Matt Schaub is a non-closer and they don’t have a running back.  Unfortunately, they have collected talent, and entrusted it to  Gary Kubiak, who appears to be absolutely nuts.  This is another team that is overdue for a coaching change.  This could be one of those off-seasons where like a third of the league gets a new coach.  The streets will be running with blood and money left on contracts!
8.  Atlanta Falcons
Yeah, I did it.  What’re you gonna do about it, huh?  I was way off on Matt Ryan, but I attribute that more to my lack of a maturity theory of QBs at the time.  Now he’s like a fucking tactician back there, making all of the throws and hitting his receivers in stride.  He’s leading the next generation of elite QBs, which includes himself, Sam Bradford (more on that later), Kevin Kolb, and…who?  Maybe Matt Stafford?   Maybe some day Sanchez puts it all together?   Maybe a guy like Tebow or Chad Henne comes out of nowhere?  I guess the point is that I have more confidence in those top three than any other young QBs by far.  Sucks to be you if your team’s “young QB” isn’t on that list.
7. Dallas Cowboys
I have a really bad feeling about this one.  I mean really bad.  Aw, fuck, now I’m going to be sick.  Hold on for a second.  [BLAAAAAAAAH!  BLAAAAAAAH!  BLAAAAAAH!].  OK, much better.  I think that these guys are the best team in the NFC East.  I also think that this division is, once again, completely overrated.  I would say that they were “Super Bowl Contenders,” but that would involve Tony Romo actually…wait…hold on…[BLAAAAAAAH!  BLAAAAAAAAH!]…sorry about that…that would involve Tony Romo actually winning some playoff games, which I don’t see happening.  Maybe once they get Wade Phillips out of there, they’ll do better, but still, they have all the talent in place.
6. Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers has really grown up, hasn’t he?  I remember the sniveling, crying little punk that was in the green room at the draft in 2005.  After three years of hazing from all-pro asshole Brett Favre, he manned up and decided to become a good QB.  Now, he’s arguably the best in the league.  And guess who drafted…err…”bought?”…him in his fantasy league (side note: we switched to an auction draft this year for football, and it was great times.  It was a little uneven because we were all unsure as to how to allocate our cash, but I think everyone ended up with some good talent.  Unfortunately, if you have an auction, you can’t in good conscience say that you “drafted” a guy anymore, but what are you supposed to say?  Bought?  That just seems insulting.  Suggestions are appreciated).  They have unbelievable talent on the squad—now it’s just a matter of whether Mike McCarthy can prove that he deserves to keep his job.  Anything short of the playoffs means that he shouldn’t.
5. Indianapolis Colts
They’re a year older, and they will only go as far as Peyton Manning takes them.  That said, last year that was good enough for two quarters away from a Super Bowl.  If someone remembers to wake Mike Caldwell up at the two minute warning every game, they’ll be fine.  Shit, they’d probably be fine even if he just snoozed through the whole fucking thing.

4. New York Jets
After a marathon session two days ago, I am finally caught up with Hard Knocks.  Though I admire Rex Ryan’s coaching style and their defense looks awesome, this team is only going to go as far as Mark Sanchez takes them.  If I were a Jets fan, the scene from the show that would absolutely scare the shit out of me is when one of the assistant coaches (I don’t think it was Schottenheimer) basically had to coach Sanchez on leadership after a particularly shitty practice.  This guy is trying to get through to Sanchez, and there Sanchez is, baseball hat on, head hung low, mumbling things like “I suck,” and “I’m fucking terrible,” while this coach is trying to give him a pep talk.  Not good.  I’m also worried that he’s too interested in being a GQ model, unlike, say…Sam Bradford, who declined the opportunity to pose for the magazine.  Also, though one would think that LaDanian Tomlinson is a big step down from Thomas Jones,  who was only third in the league in rushing yards last season, he has looked really good on Hard Knocks—and  he’s been able to  run the ball well, too! (rimshot, please!)  Other than that, and assuming Darrell Revis re-signs--which  I hope he does soon so taht we don't have to sit through another episode of the Jets' players and coaches bitching about "where's Revis?"--they are going to have maybe the best defense in the NFL, and added Santonio Holmes to give the young model another target to throw to.  Again, beware the hype machine, but they should win the AFC East pretty easily.
3. Baltimore Ravens
There is a TON of hype around these guys this off-season, too.  Just an absolute mountain of it.  Part of it is with good reason, as they have added Anquan Boldin, several decent young tight ends, and just generally good defensive picks to go along with their bat-shit crazy core.  So why aren’t they higher?  The hype is certainly part of it—it’s tough to buy in when EVERYBODY else already is.  Maybe they’re missing something, you know?  But the bigger reason is that I am not sold on Joe Flacco becoming a truly elite QB in the NFL.  He may be good enough to win a Super Bowl, and I may be wrong, but for some reason, I don’t think it will be this year.  That said, despite Flacco, this team could easily have the #1 spot four weeks from now.
2. Tennessee Titans
I know what you’re thinking.  “What the fuck?  Has the old codger finally lost it?”  Well, let’s go through the reasons for this.  They have the best running back in the league (Chris Johnson), an amazing defense, and a QB who, though bat-shit crazy, just wins football games.  Who knows how good this team could be if greasy coach Jeff Fisher would stop trying to sell fans used cars during halftime?  They are going to shock a lot of people this year, and will probably take the torch from the Colts in the AFC South.

1.  New Orleans Saints
I have to stick with the Champs in this spot, until someone knocks them down a peg or two.  I mean, did they even lose anything this off-season?  I think Mike Bell was it, wasn’t it?  Now, that said, there are a few holes on this team.  I’m not totally sold on Pierre Thomas as being able to carry the water for multiple seasons, and Reggie Bush may be distracted by the whole USC thing.  If he isn’t distracted, though, not only is it a plus for the Saints, but it also reinforces every assumption I’ve ever made about Reggie being an asshole.  So we have that to work with, which is nice.  The only other thing that everyone forgets is the scandal involving coaches Sean Payton and Joe Vitt and their alleged pain pill problem.  I mean, who can blame Vitt, who has had testicular cancer TWICE, but Payton?  Come on, man, you’re better than that.    You’re supposed to beat dicks like Brett Favre, not become them.  At any rate, this will probably change after week one, but until then, they’re still the Champs.

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