Saturday, October 30, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 8

I bet you assholes thought I was going to sandbag you this week, didn't you? You sons of bitches! Jesus, I'm one day late and you all freak out like it's your fucking girlfriend. Unbelievable. Bunch of jackals. On to the ratings.

32. San Francisco 49ers

Christ, how do you lose to the fucking Panthers? The Panthers! Shit I think they were a week away from giving Chris Weinke a call. How Mike Singletary is keeping his job is the greatest mystery in the world. Actually, no it's not. He probably just scares the shit out of their President, Jed York. Singletary's probably been called into York's office five times by now, and every time York probably gives himself the same pep talk in the mirror, "Okay Johnny, this time you're gonna do it—you're gonna tell that piece of shit Singletary he's fucking gone!" Then Singletary comes in, and he's like, "uh…just wanted to tell you you're doing a great job, big guy! Keep it up!" Christ—CALL FUCKING SECURITY ALREADY, YORK! MAN UP AND SAVE YOUR TEAM! Some people…

31. Buffalo Bills

They almost beat the fucking Ravens. Fitzpatrick is kind of a mixed blessing. I mean, it's good for them and a bunch of fantasy players that he's putting up big numbers this year. Unfortunately, his play could keep them from taking Luck in the draft this year, which would kind of be a shame. If the Rams taught us anything this year, it's that if you think a QB is your guy, you just stay put and take him. I mean, does anybody think that Fitzpatrick is going to lead the Bills to a Super Bowl? OK, maybe his wife. Still, I mean, Jim Kelly couldn't ever win them a Super Bowl, and he had four fucking tries! You think this snotty Hahhhvahhhd asshole is going to do better than Jim Kelly? Please.

30. Carolina Panthers

Way to go beating the Niners. Although, the way this team was going, I wasn't sure that they were going to win a game all year. Now they get to face a really banged up Rams team. Hopefully the Rams handle them, but I have a bad feeling about this one. Then I remember that John Fox is practically daring the owner to fire him so that he can interview for other coaches' jobs in-season, and I don't feel so bad.

29. Dallas Cowboys

Wow. Just wow. Did anyone else hear that slurp job Jon Gruden did on these guys during Monday Night Football this past week? I mean, keep it in your pants, buddy. He has such a hard-on for this coaching job, it's ridiculous. And you know what? Gruden is the kind of kick in the ass this team might need. The man absolutely cannot evaluate talent, but goddamn if he can't elevate a good group of players to become great. I mean, the man won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson as his QB. That pretty much says it all right there.

28. Detroit Lions

Christ, I don't know. I really still am at a loss regarding Matthew Stafford. Am I missing something big here? What has this guy done? Is this the guy you want as your QB? With his off-field habits, he makes Mark Sanchez look like Peyton Manning. Sure, Jahvid Best is good and Megatron can pull 'em in, but I think Stafford is the weak link. Fortunately for him, there are 42 million reasons why he gets two more years after this year to turn it around.

27. Denver Broncos

Something just went horribly, horribly wrong with this team last week. Just awful. How do you give up 59 points? To Oakland! I hate to say it, but I think that they're going to be 2-6 after this week. The reason? The Niners flew straight to London after their game against the Panthers. They've been working out there all week, getting used to the time zone and whatnot. The Broncos? They got in Thursday night. One of their players said something like, "We just have to get adjusted to the time, and we got two days for that!" Uh, hate to break it to you, buddy, but when I go to Europe, I don't even shit for three days. You think you can adjust from Pacific time to London time in two days? It's like a ten hours difference! Not good…

26. Jacksonville Jaguars

Even with David Garrard back, this team just doesn't seem very good to me. I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless. They're so bad they've left me speechless. No QB, no WR, shitty lines on both sides, maybe some ok guys on defense, but nothing too great. Awful coach. Just terrible. "Let's hire the first fucking meathead that walks through the door!" This is the same coach that once used a "motivational technique" that resulted in his punter PUTTING A FUCKING AXE THROUGH HIS LEG!!! And yes, you read the date on that article correctly. Jack Del Rio has been coaching there since 2003! Shit, give me a couple of years to shadow a head coach and I'll do a better job than this fucking gorilla. Ridiculous.

25. Arizona Cardinals

What happened to Max Hall?!? I thought he was the next Kurt Warner? Oh, wait, he has neither the arm strength nor the accuracy to be an NFL QB? It was just Ken Wisenhunt's way of trying to act like he could pull one over on all of us? "Wisenhunt you magnificent bastard, you just might do it yet!"

24. Minnesota Vikings

I am sick and fucking tired of this fucking soap opera. I've come to one conclusion—Brett Favre has the psyche of a middle school chick. Think about it—all of the coy games about "will he or won't he return?" every year, doing anything to get the attention of the media, sending pictures of his...err…"penis" to members of the opposite sex. Pretty soon he'll be flirting with the coaching staff and blowing all of the popular boys behind the shed. And, I mean, around Brad Childress, I wouldn't go teasing him too much. Pretty soon old Brett will have an Amber Alert out on him while he's chained up in Childress's basement. By the way, for all you Breaking Bad fans out there, isn't Brad Childress basically the same guy as Walter White, but with the added…er…bonus (at least from a comedic standpoint) of obvious pedophilic tendencies? Could anyone but Bryan Cranston play Childress in "The Brad Childress Story"? Can you imagine a worse movie? Let's move on…

23. Cleveland Browns

You better get down on your pitiful knees and thank God every fucking day for Colt McCoy, Mangini. That little prick is going to be the salvation of this franchise. And I mean, hey, if the little fella can see over the line well enough to deliver the ball, then more power to him! The only problem is, even with McCoy, they're just "okay" in a lot of places, especially RB and WR. I mean, the only pro-bowler they have on their team is Joe Thomas right now, right? They need to seriously upgrade the top-end talent on this squad.

22. San Diego Chargers

The Pats should've beaten them by about 30 points. I mean, really, this team is not very good. Norv Turner is clueless as a cuckolded husband, while little girl Phil Rivers is prone to throwing the odd…err..frequent tantrums. The bottom line is that, rightly or wrongly, Rivers is going to be around for a while, and Norv will be gone by the end of the year. By the way, is Ryan Matthews the "off-the-radar" story of the year? People were spending $35-$40 on him in auctions before the season, and now he's losing carries to a fullback! Is this guy really going to bust out as a first round RB? Uh…yeah…yeah I guess he is…

21. Cincinnati Bengals

Ugh. I hate that they made it this high. Really, I do. Just fucking blow it up already. You have two old wideouts, a cast-off running back, and a QB that only puts up big numbers in garbage time. I don't even know where to start. I would say "their window is closing," but, 1) it closed a long time ago, and 2) did they ever really have a window? I guess maybe they had a shot that one year where the Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl, but that asshole D-Lineman for the Steelers (Kimo Van Oellhoffen, if memory serves) rolled Carson's knee like a Star Market in Milton. That was it, right there—Carson was never the same after that, and the window was closed. Too bad. Oh, wait—actually not.

20. St. Louis Rams

Actually they're trending downward this week. Denario Alexander is out 2-4 weeks with a knee injury (yes, the bad knee), and Jason Smith just got his second concussion…in practice…and he took like 8 weeks to come back from the first one last year. Fuck. I mean, there have to be better options out there at WR than Brandon Gibson and Laurent Robinson, right? These guys routinely look lost out there. I don't know, there has to be an Antonio Bryant type out there, right? Who gives a shit if he fucks up his knee—"you ride her 'til she bucks ya', or you don't ride at all," am I right? Christ, just keep Bradford healthy, OK? After last week, I'm not expecting us to win the division, but keep Bradford healthy, for Chrissake!

19. Oakland Raiders

Holy shit. Just, wow. Darren McFadden is finally finding his footing, isn't he? That being said, let's not go sucking each other's dicks quite yet, fellas. Gotta figure out what to do with that QB situation against non-AFC West teams.

18. Chicago Bears

"Jay Cutler is the new Jeff George!" Oh, sorry, I thought that would get me in good with EVERY FUCKING MEMBER OF THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA! Fucking dickheads. I guess nobody realized that, though Cutler can throw a ball through a marble slab, he's not necessarily the sharpest knife in the drawer. Martz's system requires an intricate system of reads at the line by both receivers and the quarterback. In other words, something other than, "Durrrrr, just run that there route out thar' and I'll find ya'!"

17. Seattle Seahawks

Goddamn they have an easy schedule. Though it is eerily similar to that of the Rams…oh well. Fuck it. I'm not really sure how they keep winning games. Let's take a look at the next few weeks. At Oakland (push), vs. Giants (loss), at Arizona (win), at New Orleans (probable loss), vs. Kansas City (push—because of home field). The shitty part of that—I think they'd take 6-5 going into Week 12 in this fucking division. What a fucking crock.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Not impressed at all, Bucs. Just terrible. You're lucky that "Fat" Josh Freeman was able to run that two-minute offense so well against the Rams. But you know what? He fucking did it. Raheem Morris seems to legitimately believe that they're the best team in the NFC. If that's the case, it looks like the Rams will also have home field throughout the playoffs. I think the real reason for the turnaround is that they cracked down on all of the titty bars down in Tampa this past off-season. You didn't hear that? Oh yeah. Now, true, Bucs fans (all three of you), it helps the team keep focus during the season, but do you really think that players will want to come there as free agents knowing that there's a "Six Foot Rule" in place? You really think that all of these asshole baseball players come to St. Louis because "it's a good place to raise a family?" Please.

15. Green Bay Packers

You guys were lucky to get Minnesota last week. Really lucky. The Vikings have some old, limp-dicked, small-dicked middle school girl throwing the ball for them right now, and a fucking pedophile as a head coach. And still, old McCartman could only beat them by 4 points. I apologize if I ruined your season by pointing out that your head coach bears an uncanny resemblance to one of the most evil-yet-side-splittingly-hilarious cartoon characters of all time, Green Bay, but consider it a public service so that you can hire a ral coach next year, like…well…I'm not entirely sure who's available. You probably won't get a Bill Cowher or Jon Gruden because 1) Money talks and bullshit walks, and 2) who the fuck really wants to live in Green Bay anyway, am I right? Still, you better start lining candidates up now—best to get a head start on these sorts of things.

14. Miami Dolphins

They would be higher if they EVER RAN FUCKING RONNIE BROWN! I mean come on, you fucking cocksucker Sporano. I mean, at least let him throw the ball in the Wildcat. 8-8 ain't gonna cut it in the AFC East this year, and I'd be worried about handing the reigns over to old QB IIGS. Goddamn, if you're the Fins, how long can you continue this Henne charade? They haven't had a good QB since Marino. If I remember correctly, that was 1999! You've had a decade! Fucking figure it out already!

13. Houston Texans

I just have absolutely no faith in this squad at all. Just call them the Catholic Church (ba-doom-ching!)! Seriously, though, I don't think I could ever bring myself to bet on this team. Even if they were facing the Niners at home in a pick 'em. I'd get that weird feeling like "wait a second…is Kubiak gonna throw this one, or what?" I can never trust a team that I wouldn't bet on. I just can't. Call me a degenerate gambler. That's fine. It's not like G Gel Unit and I have started making side bets on NBA games just to make the season somewhat interesting. Plus, that way you avoid the vig. It's not too bad at all.

12. Washington Redskins

Another team hat just seems way too high. They sort of made it here by default. Which is fine—that's probably how five of the six teams will make the playoffs in the NFC this year. I get it. But still—they really have no running game (Ryan Torrain my ass) and a bunch of wideouts born during the Nixon administration. Their QB is pretty clearly on his last legs. But you know what they do have? Fucking Brian Orakpo. That motherfucker has 7 sacks already. Goddamn! He is electric. Chris Long has certainly improved lately, but this asshole can rush the passer! Yeeeee haw! Still, they would be around 17-18 in any other year.

11. New Orleans Saints

Pitiful. Fucking pitiful. You're only this high because I still believe in Drew Brees and Reggie is coming back at some point. And if those aren't some thin straws to hold onto, I don't know what are. I know Bill Simmons made a big deal in his NFL podcast this week about how Brees had a kid last week, so he probably was dealing with that shit. To which I say get a fucking nanny, sir! How much are the Saints paying you again? Oh, okay. All I know is, that's no excuse to lose to the fucking Browns at home. Shit, Antonio Cromartie has a new kid every other week—where do you see the Jets in this poll? That's what I thought.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Another team that got SMAAOOCCKKKED down last week by a superior AFC team. Now, granted, the Titans are legit. I've been saying so for some time now. But there's no reason to get embarrassed by them. This further muddies the old QB controversy between Kevin "Inconsistent" Kolb and Dog Killer, Q.B. Do we really expect Andy Reid to work this one out? I mean, I can barely see him being able to figure out how to pay his electric bill, let alone decide what QB to use. I can imagine the conversations he has with his wife, "Honey, the gas people called, they said that they're going to shut off the gas if you don't pay the bill." "Uh huh." "And the IRS called—we're being investigated for tax evasion." "That's nice." "Also the kids are on heroin." "Mmm hmm." "No, seriously, you fat fuck, THE FUCKING KIDS ARE ON HEROIN!" They could make a sitcom out of it. "Making the Right Reid." "Extra, extra, Reid all about it!" "Reiding Rainbow." The possibilities are endless!

9. Kansas City Chiefs

Matt Cassell has actually been…well…"not terrible" the past couple of weeks. We might be looking at a playoff team here, folks! So this is what happens when you put two top-fifteen backs on one team? Huh. If the Chiefs can get here this year, then the rams can't be that far behind, right? Mwa haha. Mwa hahahaha. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

8. Indianapolis Colts

Wellity, wellity, wellity, it looks like somebody finally was finally bitten by the injury bug. It fucking hurts, doesn't it? It really gets in there and starts swelling up, huh? Oh my God, I had no idea it could look that bad. You know, you guys might want to get to a doctor or something. Do you know if you're allergic? I'm just saying, the Rams get bitten by those things all the time and it never looks like that. I mean, sure, there's some swelling but more like a really bad mosquito bite, not an infected, pus-riddled cancerous tumor. You should really get that checked out. Gross.

7. Baltimore Ravens

My God, the fucking Bills took them to the mat. If the Bills didn't buy the old Palpatine routine, they could've actually offed these fuckers. Flacco just keeps pumping that fucking gas like a pro. Now I see why they gave him that service station job in the first place. He is right on the fucking money every time. He is a superstar in the world of gas pumping. Of course, when dealing with semi-retarded high school kids and the elderly as competition, I think he has a leg up. Still, impressive. Most impressive. I just think that on the wrong week, even a mediocre NFC team could take these guys. For those keeping score at home, that's not good.

6. Atlanta Falcons

Like pretty much every other team in the NFC, great at home, questionable (at best) on the road. What should these teams do differently to play better on the road? Should they get into town earlier in the week? Maybe tell the team to disregard those local strip club coupons that I…err…the local visitor's bureau passes out to their rooms? I don't know. I'm fucking clueless on this one. Any thoughts?

5. New York Giants

This is the best the NFC has to offer? Really? Some dumb hick QB without a running game? I guess it helps when you have TWO FUCKING RECEIVERS THAT CATCH TWO TDs EACH EVERY FUCKING WEEK! FUCK YOU STEVE SMITH! I HATE YOU! I HAAAATTTEEE YOUUU! I mean, if they keep running the table in the NFC East, the more power to them. I just think it's not going to be as easy as everyone thinks.

4. Tennessee Titans

I love how the Titans are getting the media backlash this week after beating the Eagles by 18 points or whatever. On Mike and Mike in the Morning, I think both Golic and Schlereth said they think that the Titans "aren't as good as everyone thinks." Uh, fellas, who exactly thinks that they're that great? To the outside observer, they have a moron for a QB, a couple of wideouts that like to get in trouble with the law, and a shyster used car salesman as coach. They do have an All-Pro running back, but he seems to have forgotten the All-Pro part recently. They just have a great defense, and I mean, hey, sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. So fuck y'all.

3. New England Patriots

Another team that is somehow "overrated" in the eyes of the mainstream media. Overrated compared to what other team? These guys are 5-1 in one of the toughest divisions in football. They thoroughly outplayed the Chargers last weekend, and probably should've won that game by 30. Now, granted, their inability to step on the throat on that one is very un-Belichick-esque. Shit, I imagine if he was ever involved in a war, Belichick would go around stepping on the necks of his allies for absolutely no reason, other than to show everyone else in his platoon what an asshole he is. That said, they're 5-1, and Brady's castration isn't affecting the team…yet. I still think they're going to miss Moss in the playoffs, but until then, carpe fucking diem.

2. New York Jets

Bye week last week. They get Green Bay at home this week, so it's not like it's that big of a change. Who would've thought that Braylon Edwards would continue to be their number one wideout after Santonio Holmes came back? I mean, if there's one thing that watching one Super Bowl told me, it's that Santonio Holmes can catch the fucking football. Now he can't even catch my drift. Which is unbelievable because I'm not usually very subtle at all—I usually just kind of embarrassingly hammer away at something until it's glaringly obvious to everyone else, then laugh myself silly while everyone else sits around dumbfounded. Haha. Hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I am too funny!

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

At New Orleans this week could be tough. The Saints are coming off of an absolutely embarrassing home loss to the Browns, of all teams. Still, I wouldn't worry too much if I were a Steelers fan. And why is everyone all of a sudden making the "Gee, I bet Ben is glad that Favre got nailed for those cock shots, eh! Took the heat off of him!" First of all, I think the whole point is that Favre did not, in fact, get nailed, which is pretty pitiful. Combined with his small pecker, and I almost feel sorry for the old cocksucker. Almost. Secondly, do you think Ben can stand not being the foremost sexual deviant in the league right now? He's going to pull off a sexual caper the likes of which the league has never seen before. I mean, my God, letting him loose in New Orleans? If I was Mike Tomlin, I would literally have him on a leash the entire time. Literally. A ten-foot tether. He could take him outside to piss and shit, but other than that, "You're with coach Mike this weekend, Ben." Ah, what a life he gets to lead now, eh fellas?

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Saturday, October 23, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 7

Another week, another attempt to figure this league out. Other than Pittsburgh, nobody's really knocking my socks off here. My feet are plenty warm, fellas. Almost a little too warm, to be honest. But you know what? I'm not minding it so much. No, not about the fucking socks. It's not a bad thing for teams to have a chance to win every week (with a couple of exceptions). Because I can't just make it 32, 31, 5-30, 4, 3, 2, 1, let's get on to the rankings:

32. Carolina Panthers

Really quick hook on Clausen there, Fox. Gee, I wonder who had that idea a week ago? Huh. So many ways to analyze this one. First of all, apparently Mel Kiper is done. He said it himself. I mean, Todd McShay can be kind of a prick sometimes, but at least he was smart enough to know that Bradford was the only real QB in the draft this year. I mean, when you throw 3 INTs and put the ball on the ground 7 times, it's not a good sign. Maybe there's something wrong with his hand. The big problem with this, of course, is that it ruins the "showdown" between Bradford and Clausen next week. If they finish with the first overall pick, they wouldn't wisely scrap the Jimmy Clausen experiment after one year, would they? Hmmm…

31. Buffalo Bills

Boy, that bye beat the shit out of them last week, didn't it? Welcome back from vacation fellas—your prize is getting to go to Baltimore this week. Congratulations!

30. San Francisco 49ers

So you beat Oakland at home. Big fucking deal. I still think if they would've played at a neutral site, the Raiders would've won. Alex Smith finally had an okay game. They couldn't be stupid enough to buy in to Alex Smith again next year, could they? By the way, I love how now the popular excuse for Alex Smith is that he's more suited to a spread out, wide open offense, while Frank Gore is more of a straight-ahead I formation runner. Uh, fellas, ever look at the Rams? They seem to be doing okay with the same setup. No, I think the problem is much easier to diagnose: Alex Smith fucking sucks, and Bradford is good. OK, now that that's been cleared up, let's move on.

29. Oakland Raiders

Jesus, speaking of a team that needs a QB. Come to think of it, that's a common thread among all of these teams at the bottom. Huh. I don't really know how to fix this one. With their luck, they'll take a QB next year when there really isn't one worthy of being a top pick, and he'll end up being a lazy, codeine-addicted piece of shit. Oh, wait, they already did that.

28. Cleveland Browns

That little guy Colt McCoy actually didn't do too badly, now did he? Bless his little heart! Seriously, though, they look like they could at least get a couple years out of the diminutive pistol. Too bad the rest of their team sucks. Their division is what is keeping them from actually rebuilding—how can you draft a top skill guy when Ray Lewis or James Harrison might tee off on him for four of your sixteen games? That's just fucking negligent.

27. Detroit Lions

They lose a few spots for both losing and because Matt Stafford is coming back. Does no one else see that this guy either one-hops his receivers or overthrows them by 10 yards? No one? And he can't stay healthy. Boy, he has gotten more mileage out of that one comeback win last year than George Clooney in Up In the Air. I think they'll pick early in the first round.

26. Dallas Cowboys

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Alex Barron is just absolute roster poison. Over the past three years, teams that he has played for are 4-33. Wade Phillips + Alex Barron = TERRIBLE. Also, they have no running game and Romo's time might be running out. Aside from that, Theyyyyyyy're GREAT!

25. Arizona Cardinals

They had a bye last week, so I'm going to use this opportunity to rant about the St. Louis Cardinals bringing back manager Tony LaRussa. I certainly appreciate what Manager, Esquire has done for the team over the past 15 years. Really, I do. I do think he lost the team toward the end of the year—he certainly seemed to be "out of it" more than usual, though I could be mistaking that for massive alcoholism. More importantly from a fan's perspective, what we're really paying for here is entertainment. It's like going to a movie on some level—we want to just see Maximus kill everybody and scream to us, "Are you entertained!?!" Fuck yeah, we are! Well, watching this Cards team has been like watching just one director's movies for fifteen years straight. We're used to all of the twists and turns, all of his little tricks and his general style. It might be time for a change. In other words, he's become M. Night Shayamalan.

24. San Diego Chargers

They looked terrible for 3 ¾ quarters against the Rams, then the Rams went into a shell and they went down and scored in 40 seconds. Defensive coordinators playing the Chargers, listen up: YOU MUST BLITZ THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!! It totally fucks with Phillip Rivers' head, and puts that "My God, what the fuck is going on here?!?" look on Norv Turner's face. Then again, so does setting his VCR. And yes, I think Norv Turner still has a VCR. He just seems like the type.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

They got absolutely manhandled by the Titans, and they were forced to press Trent Edwards into service as their QB. Oh boy. You know you're in trouble when you have a Bills cast-off at QB. I guess they're just repaying them for Rob Johnson years ago. Think about it—who was the last QB to leave the Bills and do well? I don't count Flutie because he was done by the time he left Buffalo. I can't think of one. Let me know if I missed one, but goddamn, that's just fucking awful. Now this asshole can't even play. Todd Bouman? Really? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Los Angeles Jaguars!

22. Cincinnati Bengals

Another team with a bye last week. Maybe Carson Palmer figured out what is wrong with himself. Probably not. I would say I don't know what to make of these guys, but I know exactly what to make of them: they have a broken down, terrible QB, a cast off RB, and two prima donna, over-the-hill WRs, balanced with a porous O-Line and a shitty defense. Besides that, though, they could make some noise!

21. Chicago Bears

Rumor had it this week that they were going to fire Lovie Smith and hire Captain John E. Smith. Okay, now hold the wheel steady, and…OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE'S A HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG, AND…cue the Carpathia. Did I mention that they're really starting to fade? I seem to remember this happening like two or three years ago—they started out like 5-1 and ended up 6-10. I don't know if Mike Martz's system even works any more, let alone if Cutler is smart and accurate enough to run it properly. Also, WOULD IT FUCKING KILL YOU TO RUN FUCKING MATT FORTE MORE THAN 4 TIMES PER GAME MARTZ, YOU SMUG ASSHOLE!?!? Goddamn, what a fucking dick.

20. Denver Broncos

Man, they could've beat the Jets. That would've vaulted them up the rankings just a bit. That Josh McDaniels cannot get a break. Apparently G Gel Unit knows a big time Broncos fan out in the City of Angels, and he claims that they all hate McDaniels. I can see why, since he can't wipe that smug grin off his mug. Kyle Orton is great and everything, but these guys just lack that killer instinct. I'd be pretty pissed if I was a Denver fan, too. I mean, who is your competition in the division this year? The Chiefs? The Cha-jahs? You can't beat those teams? I guess it hurts when your first round RB is a huge bust, but I mean, come on, find a way to win, fellas.

19. Seattle Seahawks

They beat the Bears in Chicago, so that's something. It remains to be seen if Matt Hasselbeck can finish out the year. If so, fuck him. If not, Charlie Whitehurst didn't really show much in the preseason, so they could sink in a hurry. Much like "Wild On" back in high school, they didn't show me anything just that spectacular when they came to town a few weeks ago. They certainly aren't Brooke Burke. If anything, they're Art Mann.

18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Eh, I'm not too impressed. I've been reading a lot of their game prep this week since they're playing the hometown team. Apparently both of their high-round DTs have been a bit slow to come around (Gerald McCoy and Brian Price). Meanwhile Ndam Suh is blowing through O Lines in Detroit, despite having a (much) worse record. They have no running game to speak of, and basically one receiver who, by the way, is a rookie. I'm going to reserve judgment on Josh Freeman until after this game, but Raheem Morris hasn't shown me he can be a legit NFL coach yet. I don't think they have the weapons to beat the…

17. St. Louis Rams

Big time win over the Chargers last weekend. Denario Alexander looked like a bigger, stronger, somewhat slower Randy Moss. Actually, that also described David Boston, so forget I said that. I believe I owe an apology to Steve Spagnuolo, who is finally hitting his stride as a head coach, and who is, by all accounts, a classy guy. I mean, if they win this game, and with the Panthers at home next week for Isaac Bruce's retirement ceremony, they could be 5-3 at the bye, which could put them on track to win the division. That said, if they lose this week, I'll bust them back down to the mid-20s so quickly their heads will spin. Come on, fellas! Get a winning record for the first time in (I think) four years.

16. Minnesota Vikings 

I swear, they played the most boring, penalty-filled game I ever have seen against the Cowboys last week. Ugh. Now the fucking media will be touting them and taking pictures of their cocks…er..well, I guess there's no getting out of that one, is there? What I meant to say is that the media will be taking pictures of their penises and texting them to game-day hostesses. If Favre is representative of the rest of the team, I think the hostesses will take a pass. By the way, Chris Rock has a great bit about how if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, it wouldn't have been called sexual harassment. Well if Favre was a little more…err…blessed, would this even be an issue? Or would Jenn Sterger be called "Mrs. Favre" and babysitting a bunch of kids dressed in Wranglers right now? Food for thought.

15. Washington Redskins

Hell of an effort against the Colts, fellas. Really, I thought D Mac and Ryan "Uncharted" Torrain could get something going there toward the end. Unfortunately, they just aren't that good. Despite that, they are a better than average NFL team, and still absolutely have a shot at the NFC East. I do miss the bitching from Skins fans regarding how Jason Campbell wasn't getting a fair shake. Would you rather watch Campbell "develop" like he is in Oakland, or would you rather have a good QB? That's what I thought. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY ON GIVING UP ON CAMPBELL!!

14. Miami Dolphins

Big win against the Packers last week. Old Henne IIGS proved that…well…I'm not sure exactly what he proved last week. I guess he proved that a first-generation Mac is smarter than McCartman. Other than that, FEED RONNIE BROWN THE FUCKING ROCK, ALREADY! THIS IS EMBARRASING, SPORANO. AND NO, I'M NOT SCARED BECAUSE YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE…hey, easy there, fella, why don't you put that gun away now, I'm just a fucking nut with a keyboard and internet access. Come on, man, you don't want to do anything stu—AW FUCK, HE SHOT ME!!! THE COCKSUCKER SHOT ME!!! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!! WHAT A DICKHEAD!!! THERE ARE OTHER WAYS THAN VIOLENCE TO GET WHAT YOU WANT!!! OW THIS REALLY FUCKING HURTS!!! DOCTOR?!?! NURSE?!? SOMEBODY, PLEASE, GOD, STOP THE FUCKING PAIN!!!

13. Houston Texans

Much like a guy that marries the first chick that will blow him, these guys are obviously resigned to mediocrity. I mean, as Bill Simmons notes, how many 8-8 seasons can Gary Kubiak go before they fire his ass? And no, don't fucking throw the Rams firing Martz in my face as an example. That was a talent evaluation issue. The Texans obviously have talent—they just need a closer to cultivate it. Much like the…

12. Green Bay Packers

I just get a terrible feeling about this team. It clearly all stems from that fucker McCartman. How that fat fuck is still coaching in this league is beyond me. I realize that Ryan Grant is out for the year, but at what point is it their fault for not realizing that he has neither the durability nor talent to survive in this league? Any competent front office would've drafted a backup QB by now. What the fuck do I know, though?

11. New York Giants

This is a weird team because their signature win was over the Texans, who are, by all accounts, a decently respectable AFC team. They were blown out by Indy, though, and remain the "box of chocolates" in the NFC; you never know what you're going to get. Goddamn, even if I am the oracle of young RBs, I draft young WRs like I draft young pitchers in fantasy baseball—way too early. I took Hakeem Nicks last year and cut him by week 4.  For anyone that's wondering, Mike Williams of Tampa Bay will probably be a top ten wideout either next year or the year after. You're welcome.

10. Kansas City Chiefs

Jesus, fly too close to the sun, much? I think that the Texans beating them was kind of bullshit. Also, even though Dwayne Bowe had a breakout game, everybody talks about Matt Cassell like he's the fucking elephant man or something. I mean, he's 7:3 for TDs:INTs this year. So what if he trails, say, Sam Bradford in pretty much all other metrics. He's a young guy, and…well…aw, fuck, I can't take it anymore. He's fucked, and so are the Chiefs, because they won't finish with the top overall pick this year, and the guys below Andrew Luck fucking suck. Also, the NCAA is more worried about investigating promising young QBs for "apparent violations" than preparing them for the NFL, where they'll get paid…err…EVERY FUCKING WEEK! Oh well…

9. New Orleans Saints

That was a convincing win over Tampa Bay. Who is this Chris Ivory guy? If he keeps it up, he obviously has a promising career as a soap or poaching spokesman. I can see it now. Outside of a British embassy in Africa, "Well, old bean, we finally got you access to that ivory you were always hoping for!" "Tally ho! It'll be worth millions!" Cut to Chris, bemused, "I hope…" The hunters look at each other perplexed. They should easily handle Cleveland at home this week, but after that, they aren't just that scary…

8. Atlanta Falcons

Goddamn they got beat up. Just absolutely lit. Like Ricky fucking Hatton against Floyd Mayweather. They were crying for mommy by the half. Just fucking disgusting. They were bruised, bloodied, and just plain beat down.

And yet nobody seems to realize that game probably featured the two best teams in the NFC. Hooo boy…

7. Philadelphia Eagles

This whole Kolb-Dog Murderer thing is getting out of hand. Andy Reid has to be the luckiest fucking coach ever. Does he ever have to make a hard decision for himself, or do circumstances just always dictate what he has to do? I mean, forget about the game management problems, forget about his personal problems, forget about all of the choke jobs that his teams are responsible for in the NFC title game, but is there an NFL coach that has been more blessed by good luck?

6. Indianapolis Colts

These aren't last year's Colts, folks. The defense is starting to show signs of age. Shit, even Ron Jaworski thinks that Peyton Manning is starting to go on that long, downhill slide known only as the Marino curve. They lost Dallas Clark for the year and Austin Collie for a few weeks. Joe Addai and Donald Brown are beat up. That all being said, Manning is still probably a top-five coach in this league, and he will find a way to circle the wagons and make the playoffs. What s fucked up this year is that the AFC has the top 6 teams in the league right now. So…are all of these teams going to make it? They can't, right? The West has to send somebody. It could get really ugly in the closing weeks. Let's put it this way—I doubt Curtis Painter plays a lot down the stretch for the Colts this year. Just a hunch.

5. Tennessee Titans

Only the Titans could lose their All-Moron QB and replace him with fucking Sling Blade (Kerry Collins). I guess, really, how smart do you have to be to hand the ball off to Chris Johnson 30 times per game? I'm just worried that Jeff Fischer is taking advantage of his QBs. No, not like that, goddamn it! I mean saying things to Young and Collins like, "Say, fellas, I realize y'all have fine cars out there—a couple of Mercedeses. But what if I told you I could put you in this 2003 BMW Z3 for $159 down and $159 a month? Is that something you might be interested in?" Give it a fucking rest, Jeff. You were one yard away from winning a Super Bowl, and that game is going to haunt you for the rest of your life. See how a little honesty can fix almo….aw goddamn it, he's crying now. What the fuck? Somebody deal with this, please? What an embarrassment. Just, really, get a hold of yourself, man.

4. New England Patriots

Way to go beating Baltimore. I guess Deion Branch was the missing link, after all. And he was the final component of the Pats' offense! (think about it…go on…I'll give you time…a little anthropology humor…and no, I'm not saying he's stupid or anything, just that EVERYONE ACTS LIKE HE'S THE LAST PIECE OF THE FUCKING PUZZLE, AND ALL I SEE IS A MEDIOCRE RECEIVER AT BEST!). I still don't see how it helps you to trade Randy Moss in season. I guess that's why I'm here and Belichick is making the big bucks. And not as in Big Buck Hunter, though it is quite a fine game. Actually, I am getting a bit burned out on old Big Buck—I mean, when you get own to it, it's glorified Duck Hunt, you know? Still, it can be fucking fun as hell in small doses.

3. New York Jets

You loyal readers are going to be bored. You know exactly how the rest of this poll is going to play out. It would've helped the suspense if the Broncos wouldn't have taken the pass interference call last week and would've beat these assholes, wouldn't have it? Then you could have been reading about Tennessee or New England here instead of 5 minutes ago. Oh well. They have a bye this week. Trust me, I know since EVERY FUCKING SKILL PLAYER ON MY FUCKING TEAM IS A FUCKING JET COCK! And no, I don't mean that my players' penises have jet engines on them.

2. Baltimore Ravens

Another week, another solid outing for Service Station Assistant Night Manager Flacco. I mean, he just pumps the gas, right? It's not his fault that John Harbaugh drunkenly drives off after he pumps the gas and ends up in a ditch, is it? Also, you all might want to re-think the whole Ray Rice situation. Jeez, what a black hole for running backs. They get one good season and are never heard back from again. Call it the curse of Jamal Lewis. I am still eagerly anticipating the rematch of these guys and the…

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Old Ash-Dick seemed to do pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty well against the Browns. 3 TDs, pretty good. I think people are underestimating the difference a good QB can make, let alone a top-five QB. I mean, this guy just sees what he wants and fucking tak…err…gets…err…he is able to do whatever he pleases...err…fuck…I mean, he just uses people in the way he sees fit…um…no…WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT HE'S A GOOD FUCKING QB AND THEY HAVE A FUCKING GREAT DEFENSE!!! THEY'RE PRETTY CLEARLY THEY BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!!! FUCK!!! On another note, what is with fucking James Harrison? Is being fined for big-time helmet-to-helmet hits really going to matter that much? The media acts lie they're going to outlaw tackling. Uh, no, they're just going to outlaw fucking juiceheads that lead with their head all the time. Learn to tackle, or, as Kenny Powers would say, "YOU'RE FUCKING OUT!" Seriously, though, Harrison better shape up. If not, well, there are five other AFC teams beating down the door.

Questions? Comments? Wondering why there's no comment as to why these are going up on a Friday night? E-mail the Blogmogger team at

Thursday, October 14, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 6

What a great idea it has been to post these things early. When I was finished posting these last week, I made my way over to ESPN, where I was promptly informed of the Randy Moss trade. So "fuck me," I guess! That's why I'm pushing these to Thursdaythis week. Now with my luck, Vincent Jackson will get traded tonight AND forward cell-phone pictures of his dick to his new team's "game day hostesses" (whatever the fuck they do) on his way to his new city. Fuck me. Whatever. On to the rankings.

32. Carolina Panthers

So let me get this straight: Todd Collins has one of the all-time bad days as a quarterback for the Bears (6.3 QB rating! No touchdowns! 4 interceptions!) and you guys still lose by 17 points? Jesus, how bad could Matt Moore be at this point? I mean, despite being the "most NFL-ready" QB in the draft, Jimmy Clausen looks like…well…how can I put this delicately…"shit." John Fox really gambled and lost on that one...errr…those two. I wouldn't go anywhere near Vegas with him right now. Just devastating.

31. San Francisco 49ers

Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Man, if Mike Singletary wasn't so fucking scary, I'd laugh my fucking…oh fuck…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Oh…oh man…this is too much. You know it's bad when your fans are chanting "We want Carr!", and it's not at an auto dealership. No, they're referring to David Carr, who is basically Alex Smith, but two years older. Who knows what they should do with their QB situation—they might be in a position to get Andrew Luck in the first round, but if not, they really can't address it this year with Locker or Mallett. Then again, as a Rams fan, I kind of hope they try to; it would be high comedy.

30. Buffalo Bills

I think this one is more on their defense than their offense. Fitzpatrick is having an extremely underrated fantasy season this year, and I think Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller can pick up the water for Marshawn Lynch. By the way, have you seen a list of the Bills' busted first round draft picks lately? Aaron Maybin, Leodis McKelvin, Lynch, John McCargo, Donte Whitner, and J.P. Losman. I mean, that's a starting squad right there—in the UFL. (See what I did there? YES!). With that kind of history, what are the odds on them taking Jake Locker this off-season? 60 percent? 70 percent? This despite the fact that Fitzpatrick has actually been semi-serviceable. Unbelievable.

29. Cleveland Browns

They lost a fairly hard-fought game to the Falcons last week, which is admirable. What is not admirable, though, is starting Colt McCoy this early in the season. No word on whether or not they've ordered a step-stool for the backfield yet. At this point, is Mangini putting his house on the market, maybe looking for a nice one-bedroom in some divorcee community in…Christ, I don't know, somewhere less depressing than Cleveland, wearing sweatpants to work, and just generally walking around with a blank expression on his face? Oh wait, he did that last year, too? No shit? Huh.

28. Seattle Seahawks

The bye doesn't automatically raise you in the rankings, Seahawks. Also, I'm still pretty sure that they're fucking awful, so they stay down here. What are they thinking getting Marshawn Lynch? I think Forsett was fine for what they have (a shitty team)—when they actually gave him the ball, he did quite well. Whatever. Their funeral. I guess at least Pete Carroll is trying shit to improve the roster. Unlike, say, the…

27. St. Louis Rams

Rough week for the hometown squad. Really rough. Losing Mark Clayton really hurts them. I hated to see Spagnuolo sending Bradford and Steven Jackson out there when it was 31-6 in the 4th, let alone when it got to be 44-6. And who are they turning to for WR help now that Clayton is out? Denarrio Alexander? Really? I thought they've been saying how his knee is fucked up and his leg is atrophied from the knee surgery he had this offseason. Huh. If only there was…say…a…FUCKING VINCENT JACKSON OUT THERE TO BE HAD FOR A THIRD ROUND PICK!!! I MEAN, IF ONLY THAT WAS THE CASE, MAN, WE'D BE IN GOOD SHAPE!!! Fuck. Fortunately, they're playing the…

26. San Diego Chargers

Man, even for Norv Turner, this is one hell of a shitty coaching job. HOW DO YOU LOSE TO THE RAIDERS BY OVER A TD AND LET THEM SCORE 35 POINTS IN THE PROCESS?!? All while mopey old Norv stands on the sidelines like a pussyish father who finds out that his daughter is in a low-rent porn movie. It's not healthy to have such a passive asshole coaching the team while Mt. Saint Baby Tantrum (Phil Rivers) is your QB. Bill Simmons noted in his podcast today that he thinks if the Chargers lose at the Rams, Norv gets fired. Hopefully we do him a favor and end his suffering.

25. Oakland Raiders

I guess they have to go here. I mean…uh…they…err…did beat the Chargers. And crazily enough, they did it with Jason Campbell at QB. Now that I think about it, this QB situation could be a big bonus for them. They should just either not name a starter in a given week, or name a nominal starter so that the other team prepares for him, and then bring in the other guy after a series or two to fuck up the other team's gameplan. Or wait 'til halftime to switch—that fucked up the Rams.

24. Cincinnati Bengals

Luckily, they get their bye this week. As is evident from my earlier power rankings, I think these guys have been overrated for quite some time. Carson Palmer has been "average" the past two games—they just ran into the Bucs last week. Who knows what to think about this team, other than at least one part of their team is going to fuck up royally on a given week. If the QB and WRs are doing well, Benson will only get 2.5 per carry. If Benson is running well and the WRs are on, Palmer will shit the bed. It would be infuriating to be a fan of theirs.

23. Detroit Lions

Well, look at you guys! I bet you all think you're hot shit, don't you? Way to take out the Rams' number one wideout and bully them, really kick them while they're down! Fuck these guys. And fuck Shaun Hill, too. He looks like a laid-off auto worker. You know, the guy who attached like 4 steering wheels a day at the Chrysler plant for fifteen years for $35/hour, then wonders why he's out of a job despite the fact that the Japanese have had a robot that has done the same job for twenty years. Yeah, that's Shaun Hill. I cannot wait for Stafford to get back and this team to tank. Other than one game-winning drive last year, I'm not sure what Stafford has done to garner so much positive attention. I guess we'll see by the end of the year.

22. Arizona Cardinals

Is this for fucking real? Seriously? Are you guys going to let this bastard Wisenhunt get away with this shit? Fucking Max Hall? Honestly? Beats the fucking Saints, no less! Unfuckingbelievable. That bottle of whiskey in Wisenhunt's bottom drawer is getting empty. "Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard, you might pull this off yet!"

21. Minnesota Vikings

Who do you think you are, Brett Favre? I mean, honestly, who sends pictures of that? And I mean, then crowing like a little cock…err…rooster…on voicemail messages, too. The balls on this guy...err…the gumption! Yeah that's it! The fucking gumption on this guy!

(Small penis)

I think getting Moss was an okay move, but I think we all know how this dance is going to go: they're going to sign him to a big extension, then Favre is going to retire, they're going to go through the presumptive "we drafted Tavaris Jackson so we're going to give him a shot, goddamn it!" terrible year, then Randy's going to get upset, demand a trade, and they'll have to scrap the whole thing and hopefully rebuild around a young QB at the top of the 2012 draft. Speaking of which, where are all of the good, young QBs in college football anymore? This year there's one guy (Luck) who has a chance at the next level. After him, maybe Blaine Gabbert? As a Mizzou fan, I can tell you he has a ways to go. Who else is there? The guy from Oregon? I guess. Somebody let me know if I'm wrong.

20. Dallas Cowboys

Thank God for Miles Austin—you saved a fantasy team this week, sir. Your service to my squad will be remembered. That said, Wade Phillips has to be feeling the fucking heat like Sam Bradford last week. You might want to lock yourself in the freezer this week, big fella. What's that? Still hot? Well, fuck it. This game with the Vikes is a bit of a Thunderdome this week—two men enter, one man leaves.

19. Denver Broncos

No shame in losing to the Ravens. There is shame, though, in letting them score 31 points. So much shame, Josh McDaniels. You might want to put on one of John Harbaugh's dress shirts and try to sneak out of the frat house before all of his fraternity brothers get up. Okay, Josh, you're at the door, now open it slowly…and…THEY'RE ALL FUCKING OUT THERE ALLREADY, ASSHOLE, AND THEY'RE HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN' AT YOU, BIG GUY!!! YEAH, FUCKING CRY, ASSHOLE!!! YES, YOUR TEARS TASTE SO SWEET!!!

18. Jacksonville Jaguars

I don't know what to make of this team. I could've sworn they were 2-3 before writing this, but no, they're 3-2, JUST LIKE FUCKING EVERY OTHER TEAM IN THE FUCKING AFC SOUTH!!! WON'T ONE OF YOU FUCKING MAN UP AND SEIZE IT ALREADY?!? For Chrissake…

17. Miami Dolphins

They didn't play last week, so let me offer some general advice to Tony Sporano: ditch Chad Henne in the red zone, where he hurts you most, and go back to the wildcat. Henne is not the answer. He is truly a dumb robot. I'm pretty sure he's the result of some fucked up Department of Defense experiment after they watched too many episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and decided to make their own Data. Unfortunately, this was back in 1987, so he has roughly the same parts as an Apple IIGS in his brain. You're not fooling anyone, Chad. Fucking DOD nerds.

16. New Orleans Saints

Yeah, I did it. What are you gonna do about it? How do you lose to the Cardinals? The fucking Cardinals, goddamn it! Snap out of it! Someone brew them some coffee and get a cold shower going. Goddamn it, get a trash can and put it by their fucking bed. Make sure you roll them on their sides before you leave them. FUCKING SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY! Seriously, though, they just have not proven anything so far.

15. Philadelphia Eagles

Way to take advantage of the layup last week. I guess at least Kolb got a win out of it. Apparently Dog Killer, Q.B., though not cleared to play, is "itching" to get back in this week against the Falcons. Like they wronged him somehow, what with him GOING TO FUCKING JAIL AND EVERYTHING!!! What a fucking dick.

14. Chicago Bears

Eh. Welcome back, Cutler. I think you can do a little bit better than ol' Todd Collins did. Fortunately, they get the Seahags at home this week, so it shouldn't be too tough. How this team is going to be 4-1 is beyond me.

13. Green Bay Packers

I've been on Mike McCarthy's case for a couple of weeks now, and all I have to say is, "WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT YOU LOOK LIKE THE KID FROM UP?!? IF ANYTHING, YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKING ERIC CARTMAN, YOU FAT FUCK! WHENEVER ANYONE WALKS PAST YOU, THEY JUST SAY, 'GODDAMN, THAT'S ONE FAT FUCK!'" Get a little self-respect, McCarthy! Though if you're fine taking 15 penalties for 125 yards every game and getting your Pro Bowl QB pounded into a bloody pulp, then by all means, stay the course. Now that we've established that he's Cartman, though, maybe he's cooking up a scheme to totally humiliate a Jewish kid/Ginger/Jerseyite. What is your plan, McCartman? What is your plan?

12. Washington Redskins

This high? Sure, why not? They have no running game to speak of, but they do have Pro Bowl receivers and a Pro Bowl quarterback—who even cares that I'm talking about the 2001 Pro Bowl at this point? Their defense is getting better, as they put a licking on Dog Killer a couple of weeks ago. I dunno, in that division…

11. Houston Texans

I'm selling these guys big time. Losing Andre Johnson makes you appreciate how much of a difference-maker he is, eh Kubiak? By the way, isn't it great how these rankings can work out sometimes? These guys beat the Redskins in week 2, but last week they lost to the…

10. New York Giants

How can a team get pasted by 24 by a decentish team in week 2, then four weeks later be considered the favorite in what was generally considered the NFL's toughest division pre-season? The NFL, folks! What do they even have? Hakeem Nicks? Sure, he's good, but Eli…err…"has his moments," and their running game is a fucking mess right now. Tom Coughlin's "five minutes early" routine has to be wearing thin by now, but "don't worry, they're one of the strongest teams in the NFC!" Sure, they are…

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Wow, all the way to the top ten? Sure, why not? I haven't seen too much of their games this season because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about the Bucs. I did see their opener, which they won in unconvincing fashion over the horrible Browns, so I'll have to take people's word when they say Josh Freeman is the real deal. They get the Rams at home next week, so I'll reserve judgment until I see that one.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

You gotta score touchdowns, fellas. Having Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe on your team and not scoring a touchdown is like having Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday on your team and not making the playoffs. Oh, wait… Seriously, though, Matt Cassel has to step his shit up, or they might take a different shitty QB in the draft this year. I mean, when your only credential is backing up Matt Leinart for a couple of years, how can you be a starting QB in the NFL?

7. Indianapolis Colts

Just barely, Colts. Just barely. Maybe this is the year it all falls apart. I think at this point they have a body double for Mike Caldwell in there like in the movie Dave, though obviously not as charismatic as Dave Kovac in that classic film. Peyton is the guy pulling the strings behind the scenes, telling him what to say at his press conferences and shit. "Go, Go, Go!" It might be funny if it weren't true.

6. New England Patriots

I'm not quite as sold on the Moss-for-Branch deal as a lot of people. I mean, if you're a bookie, that switch is worth 1.5 points a week at least, right? That can be the difference between going 12-4 and 10-6 over the course of the season. It's not a huge downgrade, but it's not this brilliant masterstroke that everyone is making it out to be. I think the funniest part of the whole thing is this subplot about Moss and Brady getting into a fight because of Brady's hair. Yeah, like Moss is Vidal Sassoon or something. It just reinforces this idea that they're a "glamour franchise" now, and have gotten away from their "blue collar" roots, as much as a bunch of multi-millionaires could have had "blue collar roots," at least.

5. Atlanta Falcons

This feels too high for them. They have to go into Philly this week and beat the Iggles, too? Eee…maybe I should really re-think this one. But if they win…By the way, why not give Jason Snelling a few more carries, eh Mike Smith? This guy is fucking lightning in a bottle. How can you afford to keep him on the sidelines? Frustrating.

4. Tennessee Titans

I'm back, baby! Woo Hoo! So they lost to Denver a couple weeks ago. Aside from that, their only loss is to the best team in the league. They know what they're doing. Also, remember, you can always haggle Fisher down a bit, no matter what price he's offering you. As soon as you drive that thing off the lot, it's caveat emptor—buyer beware. Be careful before you buy.

3. New York Jets

Sanchez is certainly playing well enough now, isn't he? Suddenly, with Santonio Holmes back, Braylon flanking him, Keller up the seam, and LT running the ball well, they have a decent-ish offense now, right? I mean, they put 29 up on the Vikes, right? Why the fuck can't they win the AFC. Well, I'm glad you asked. Two reasons:

2. Baltimore Ravens

Another week where Flacco hit $15.00 on the nose pumping gas. I tell you what, pretty soon they might hire him full-time at the old service station. Then it's just a short hop to assistant manager, then manager, and then…who knows, you might even get your own station some day, kiddo! Keep it up!

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

With Ben coming back, and hopefully knowing better than to make some misogynist comments during breast cancer awareness month, they should be better than pretty much anyone. This line against Cleveland can't be high enough this week. I think it was around 13 ½ last time I checked. Take Pittsburgh. Drew Margary on Deadspin made a good point—think all of the assholes in Pittsburgh calling for Roth to be traded at the draft aren't feeling stupid now? Boy, Jimmy Clausen would sure look good in the black and gold, eh Steelers fans? That's why Mike Tomlin does what he does and you do whatever shitty job you do. If you wanted to keep him, congratulations! You qualify to be an NFL Head Coach/Personnel Director! Welcome to the club!

Questions? Comments? Think I'm getting a little too big for my britches? Actually, I've gone down a size or two lately. Oh, thanks for noticing! Uh..I mean…e-mail the Blogmogger team at

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 5

Another week gone by, another edition of the power rankings that the nation has its eyes on.  And no, I’m not referring to those amateurs over at, or, alternatively, Red Sox Nation or the Nation of Islam.  No, of course, they are the Mog’s very own Power Rankings.  Since it worked so well last week, I’m gonna try this “putting the rankings up more than one day in advance” thing again this week.  On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Aw, they were so close!  I can’t believe it!  Much like you never want to bet against Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, you never want to bet on Jimmy Clausen.  I am just at a loss for words at what happened between the draft and now.  I mean, none other than MEL KIPER HIMSELF said that Clausen was the most pro-ready QB prospect.  I guess 11-21 for like 140 yards and a TD is “pro-ready.”  And yes, I realize that I harped on this last week, too, but GODDAMN HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT SAM BRADFORD IS DOING DOWN IN ST. LOUIS?!?  HE IS SINGLE-HANDEDLY REVITALIZING THIS TOWN!  SO FUCK YOU, CLAUSEN, YOU LIMO-RIDING, DUMB-ASS PIMP SUIT-WEARING LITTLE SHIT!!! LOOK ABOUT 800 MILES DUE WEST—THAT’S A REAL MAN PLAYING QB.  You’re just play-acting.

31. San Francisco 49ers

Much like a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, Mike Singletary just cannot buy a “W.”  I don’t know if it’s fair to pile on Nate Clements for fucking up that INT run-back, but it sure didn’t help matters any.  Now they’re 2 games behind everyone else in the NFC West, and have already been absolutely destroyed by the Seahawks.  And Alex Smith is getting worse by the day, if that’s even possible.  I guess it’s better this way for San Fran—they can focus on their beloved Giants in postseason baseball.  (As an aside, does it just seem like playoff baseball is just going to be shitty this year, or is it just me?  I mean, I couldn’t give less of a fuck who wins the World Series, especially since it looks like it’s going to probably be some combination of the three teams that have played in the past 2 World Series’ meeting again.  This season was enough of a slog.  Now we have another month?  Christ, I’m thankful for college and pro football this year.  Let’s move on…).

30. Arizona Cardinals

Yes, I realize they have 2 wins so far.  And yes, I realize that they’re tied for their division lead.  Unfortunately, if they re-played either of those wins this week, I’m pretty sure they would lose both of them (at Rams, at Oakland).  What the fuck happened to this team?  Were they really in the Super Bowl two years ago?  And now they’re starting a rookie from BYU at QB because they were too chickenshit to cut Leinart in the offseason and their pro personnel department was stupid enough to believe in Derek Anderson?  Even still, why do I still picture Ken WIsenhunt in his office late at night with a bottle of scotch, thinking to himself, “OK, well we do play in a shitty division, maybe we catch a couple of breaks, the Rams have a rookie QB that’s doing well… Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard!  You might pull this one off yet!”

29. Buffalo Bills

Well, looks like the Haaaaavaaahhhd Man is bringing a little bit of culture to these heathens.  Fitzpatrick somehow was good for 22 fantasy points last week.  I guess he runs a lot.  Their schedule is really brutal this year, so they might end up with the worst record in the league, but I’d trust them to beat any of the teams below on a neutral field.  Still, maybe they should get Andrew Luck on an arm-strength regimen.  He was throwing absolute rainbows all day against Oregon.  You can get away with that shit in the Pac-10, but try that against New England and you’ll get your nuts handed to you.  Just ask Chad Henne.

28. Oakland Raiders

They’ve played all of their games close except for the opener against Tennessee.  At the time, I thought the Titans were one of the most badass teams in the league, with a punishing defense and an offense that would be good enough to win games for them.  I now realize that they’re one-dimensional and have an idiot for a QB that should probably be (or at least look into becoming) a ward of the state.  That said, if the Raiders could get their kicker sobered up even a little bit, they’d be in a lot better shape.  Somebody put on some coffee and get a cold shower going—this idiot Pollack needs to sober up.

27. Cleveland Browns

How things can change in one week!  Last week, people were bitching that they were one of the worst teams in the league.  This week, they eek out a classic trap game at home against Cinci and they’re “feisty.”  You do realize that Seneca Wallace is their QB and Mangini is still coaching the team, right?  OK, just checking.  I guess they will battle for who is able to take the second QB off the board in next year’s draft  with the…

26. Seattle Seahawks

I would be getting really nervous if I was a Seahawks fan.  Apparently a lot of them are already making noise about how they want Jake Locker on their message boards.  My God, HAVE ANY OF YOU FUCKING SEEN HIM PLAY?!?  HE JUST MISSES THROWS FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL!!!  HE IS A TOTAL FUCK-UP WITH A LOT OF “PHYSICAL SKILLS,” BUT NO ACTUAL APTITUDE TO PLAY THE POSITION! He might as well move down to West Texas, follow Ryan Leaf around and start calling him “Dad.”  Shit, maybe he should even change his name to “Ryan Leaf, Jr.” or “Ryan Leaf II” if he’s classy like that.  Shit, even if he did he’d probably still be #1 or #2 on Mel Kiper’s draft board.  Oh, and from first-hand experience watching them last week, Seattle is fucking terrible.

25. Detroit Lions

Eh.  My team is playing this group of assholes this week and even I don’t care if Shaun Hill or Matt Stafford is starting.  Shit, I’d probably prefer it if Stafford started.  That way the country would see how much worse he is than Bradford head-to-head.  I mean, they’ve played slightly better teams than the Rams, but 1) They were beaten pretty thoroughly by the Vikings, who are probably the worst team they’ve played, and 2) THEY LOST FUCKING ALL OF THEM!!!  Aside from that, yeah, they’re probably “the best 0-4 team in the league.”  They could keep it going until they’re “the best 0-16 team in the league.”  But Ndam Suh is having a HUGE impact.  HUGE.  (Still 0-4).

24. Jacksonville Jaguars

Man, that Del Rio is a slippery little shit, isn’t he?  Every time this asshole’s job is on the line, he figures out a way to squeeze out a big shi…err…win.  That was ballsy, to kick a 59-yarder to win the thing, but it’s not like his dumb, Neanderthal ass was the one that actually kicked it or anything.  Still, now they get the Bills, so they might be able to put together a winning streak.  Then again, they might fuck this one up.  Whatever.  Fuck it.

23. Minnesota Vikings

I went on ESPN Sportsnation today.  Aside from being a pretty dumb site, one feature that is worth looking at is the NFL Coach Approval Ratings that they compile from user votes.  Guess who’s on the absolute bottom with a 17% rating?  Why Minnesota’s very own Brad Childress, that’s who!  I mean, seventeen percent!  That’s fucking abysmal!  I think BP is pulling like a 15% right now.  Bin Laden is maybe a 10%.  Other than being totally clueless on gameday, forcing Favre back to Minnesota in what is basically an on-going Bataan Death March, and looking like a particularly depraved child molester, what’s wrong with this guy?  By the way, does it bother anyone else that they already had their bye week?  Can Favre really play 13 quality…errr…13 games in a row to close out the season?  This could get really ugly down the stretch.  “March, goddamnit!  I said FUCKING MARCH!!!”

22. San Diego Chargers

Ugh.  Fuck Phil Rivers.  What an asshole.  And now they get Oakland this week?  You know what?  I’m going to pick Oakland to win outright!  Can I do that?  Uh, I just did.  Let’s see how it works out.

21. Philadelphia Eagles

Without Dog Murderer, Q.B., this is where they have to be.  Kolb looked awful last week, and when they can’t play “Hail DeSean” or “Hail Maclin,” their passing game really suffers.  Let’s hope he’s out for 2 weeks so they really put themselves in a hole in what is otherwise panning out to be a pretty weak division.

20. New York Giants

RUN ON NFC EAST TEAMS!  The defense looked good last week, but Eli is still Eli.  He’ll throw for 350 yards with 2 TD and 2-3 INTs.  And you know what?  If I was a Giants fan, I’D SHUT MY FUCKING TRAP AND KISS HIS FUCKING ASS EVERY TIME HE WALKED BY BECAUSE HE WON YOU SPOILED BABIES THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL AGAINST…OH…I DON’T KNOW…PROBABLY THE BEST TEAM IN FUCKING LEAGUE HISTORY!!!  Aside from that, they can’t run the ball, but in this division, who knows?

19. Washington Redskins

I reluctantly put them here.  I mean, it would be ridiculous to put them ahead of the Rams, but they did beat the fucking Eagles, man.  I still think they’re a little over-rated.  Their running back may retire by week 9 he looks so beat-and-washed-up.  And who is the big wideout on this team?  Santana Moss?  Joey Galloway?  It’s a who’s who of “Guys that Should Have Been Out of the League Two Years Ago.”  Someone should really go in their locker room with ideas for car dealerships and restaurants—I’m sure they’d have plenty of guys lined up looking to “invest.”  “Oh, you mean I can just put my name on this thing and not get the shit beat out of me for 17 weeks a year?  I don’t even care how much it costs—here’s a check, you fill in what you think is fair.”  All budding entrepreneurs take note.

18. St. Louis Rams

Their second straight ass-kicking in a row.  And they weren’t even the ones getting their asses kicked!  Bradford is generally locked in—that end zone INT to Earl Thomas was shitty, but otherwise he looks totally ninja out there.  The defense is really coming together well, too.  Freddy Robbins is quickly becoming the best offseason acquisition in the NFC.  Also, go back to those Sportsnation approval ratings for a minute.  Wait, I’ll give you the link again.  Here it is.  Scroll all the way to the top.  Notice who’s there?  I think it’s telling that now that Spags is focusing his efforts on the defense, and allowing Shurmer to call his own plays, and letting Bradford audible at the line, he looks a lot smarter.  Also, all coaches take note: you look like a much better clock manager when you beat other teams by two or more touchdowns.  Just a thought.  Hopefully they keep it up this week.  If they do, then they have a legit shot at winning the NFC West.  Oh, wait, who called that at the beginning of the year?  Me?  Huh.  I’ll be goddamned.

17. Cincinnati Bengals

How do you lose to the fucking Browns?  And it wasn’t even like this one was on Carson Palmer—he thought it was turn-back-the-clock day.  No, I don’t know who to pin this one on. Marvin Lewis?  Maybe.  This team just chews up running backs, too.  Cedric Benson is fine this year, but by next year, he’ll be looking over his shoulder, with some fourth round pick ready to steal carries from him—with good reason, too, because that fourth round pick will probably be a pro bowler for two years, then will flame out in turn before opening up a car dealership with a washed-up Redskin.  Speaking of which, where’s Rudi Johnson? 

16.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Who really knows what the deal is with this team?  Mike Williams is looking like the best rookie wideout not named Dez Bryant.  Josh Freeman is getting better.  Their D-line should be okay.  So what’s not to like?  I dunno.  I just don’t think they’re as far along as some other teams.  Maybe Josh Freeman will end up being in this vaunted “next generation of great quarterbacks” that currently has 1 and a half members (Bradford and Matt Ryan).  I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something wrong here…

15. Denver Broncos

Jesus, really?  I look away for one second, and it’s these guys’ turn?  I think they’re allowing the fewest passing yards per game in the league, and Kyle Orton has the most passing yards per game (and most passing yards generally).  Something has to give here at some point—either they aren’t this good, or their record is going to reflect how good they are.  Until something breaks either way, let’s keep them comfortably in the middle.

14. Miami Dolphins

You boys icing your asses up?  You could use it after that total shit-kicking last night.  It was unbelievable.  You’re telling me that RONNIE FUCKING BROWN COULDN’T GET ONE MORE FUCKING RECEIVING YARD OR THREE MORE RUSHING YARDS TO WIN ME MY FUCKING FANTASY GAME!?!  FUCK!!!  “I’ve never trusted Miami running backs and I never will.  I’ll never forgive them for the death of my team.”  Fuck these guys.  Oh yeah, and Henne’s a shitty quarterback.

13. Chicago Bears

Man, that carriage turned into a pumpkin pretty quickly, didn’t it?  And just in time for Halloween!  How thoughtful of them!  Watching that game on Sunday night was absolutely ridiculous.  Their offensive line let more random guys through than Lindsey Lohan’s bodyguards.  Cutler was just shell-shocked.  Welcome to life in Mike Martz’s offense!  Good luck, buddy!

12. Dallas Cowboys

Another sneaky team.  But how could I put them any lower?  They were one moron away from being 2-1.  God damn that fucking Alex Barron.  They are probably the favorites in the NFC East, but I’m not really sure what that means.  They don’t really have a running game--Marion Barber lost 30 pounds this off-season while Felix Jones put on about 100.  Still, at least in the regular season, I trust Romo more than any of these other jokers on other teams, and Miles Austin and Dez Bryant are a hell of a one-two combo.  Hey, the Cardinals made it all the way to the Super Bowl without any semblance of a running game—can’t these guys at least make the playoffs?

11. Tennessee Titans

How fortuitous that these guys play the Cowboys this week!  They get to settle this like men.  I don’t know if you get the same feeling I do, but I think the Titans brag a little more than they can put up.  Chris Johnson “is going to rush for 2500 yards this year.”  Jeff Fisher “will tack on the undercoat for free.”  Vince Young “can read.”  It’s all a bit much when they fail to deliver over and over again.  That said, I still think they find a way to get it done against the Cowboys this week.

10. Kansas City Chiefs

They do have a ridiculously “easy” schedule.  I put easy in quotes for the moment because who knows what it’ll look like five weeks down the road.  At least these guys have a solid running game.  Cassell is another story.  I guess they’re hoping he “comes around” or “gets it” at some point here.  How many years can they afford to waste on him?  Didn’t they learn anything from the Cardinals?  Oh, but I guess you’re somehow better than Wisenhunt, aren’t you, Todd Haley?  That’s right, you’re the cat’s fucking pajamas, aren’t you?  Oh, well, pardon me, your majesty.  Sorry to interrupt.  Carry on.

9. Indianapolis Colts

Really?  The Jaguars?  Really?  No, I mean, seriously?  The fucking Jacksonville Jaguars?  Playing there is like playing at a neutral site they have so many empty seats.  I don’t even know what to say.  I think they’re down to two healthy safeties now, and the offense, though good, isn’t good enough to carry their piss-poor defense.  Peyton’s shoulders can only handle so much.  If you were ever going to wake Mike Caldwell up, now would be the time.  What?  He’s not responding?  Jesus, slap him in the face, or get him some smelling salts, for Chrissake.  Oh my God, the old cocksucker is dead!  Oh shit!  Somebody put some sunglasses on him and put that Weekend at Bernie’s music on, now!  Oh shit, oh shit, everyone stay cool.  Okay, we have to get our stories straight.  Okay, so I was out at the movies, what were you guys doing?  No, laundry isn’t a plausible alibi!  Goddamn it, get a hold of yourself man!  Oh, look, he’s awake.  Huh.  Well, fuck.  Let’s move on…

8.  Houston Texans

They only beat the Raiders by a touchdown, and I’m still not totally on board with these guys.  Arian Foster is averaging 6 yards per carry.  Good for him.  The defense is a little shaky, Andre Johnson is hurt, and, oh yeah, THEIR LEFT TACKLE WAS BUSTED FOR FUKING STEROIDS.  Right now, I don’t think they can beat any of the teams that are higher on this list.  Prove me wrong, Texans.

7. Atlanta Falcons

What a shitty interception to throw at the end of the game, Matt Ryan.  Good thing that Roddy White saved your ass with that strip—now people don’t remember how awful you were.  It’s like opening for Dave Chappelle.  I don’t think that Michael Turner can stay healthy for the rest of the year, either.  Hopefully Jason Snelling is as good as advertised.  He better be, goddamn it.  Otherwise I’m wasting a roster spot on a worthless backup.

6. New Orleans Saints

I’m not so sold on these assholes any more.  They are like the opposite of the Steelers.  It seems like their degree of difficulty decreases every week, and they’re still squeaking out wins against shitty teams.  I mean, Carolina?  You guys should’ve had Jimmy Clausen washing your cars like Biff Tannen, then bitched at him because he forgot the second coat of wax.  But three fucking points?  My God, you were favored by 13 ½!!!  What the fuck happened?  I had no idea Reggie Bush was so important to your team—honestly you guys probably didn’t either, though, right?   Huh?  Come on, you can tell me…

5. Green Bay Packers

I’m not nearly as sold as I was before.  They lost to Chicago (total pretenders), and let Detroit hang around way too long with an injured Jahvid Best.  Every fucking year, it’s the same thing: “Aaron Rogers is great, we have amazing talent, and….whoa—oh—ohhh!!! What the fuck happened?!?  We’re just average.”   Well, I place the blame squarely on that fat fuck Mike McCarthy.  Ever since Holmgren left, they’ve been desperately looking for another head coach.  This paranoid asshole is not the answer.

4.  New England Patriots

I can’t figure this fucking team out.  Conventional wisdom would tell you that they aren’t as good as their ass-kicking of Miami because they relied on so many big plays on defense and special teams for points, which tend to be total luck.  Then again, they are 3-1 in what is probably the toughest division in the league.  Brady sure looked like he cared last night.  I give him five more weeks before he grows disinterested and pulls a Sampras.  DAMN THAT FUCKING GISELE AND HER FEMININE WILES!  

3. Baltimore Ravens

Wow, Joey, way to go!  Two weeks in a row you hit $17.00 on the nose while pumping gas.  One more week and I might start to think that you know what you’re doing.  Until then, wake Ray Rice up, won’t you?  Or at least fuck his girlfriend.  According to Major League, that’s one way to get an otherwise disinterested player to start playing well again.  Still, their defense is impressive.  Most impressive.  Much like…

2. New York Jets

I’m buying in!  Did you know (so fucking sue me, ESPN.  No, not really, you don’t own those 3 words, assholes) that Mark Sanchez is currently on pace to throw 40 touchdowns and 0 interceptions?  That said, I’d still rather have Bradford as my QB going forward.  No offense, Mark, it’s just that I don’t trust someone that looks like Adrian Grenier to do…well…pretty much anything.  And with Santonio Holmes and Calvin Pace coming back, they should only get better for what should be an easy matchup on Monday Night against the Vikings.  Rex, you fat fuck, you might just do it yet.

1.  Pittsburgh Steelers

Last week was a setback.  Not a major setback, but a setback nonetheless.  Could you have picked a better weekend to lose than against your division rival/fellow top-5 team in the league?  Sure.  Especially when you did exactly what you were supposed to do (make Flacco beat you in the final seconds).  I don’t like what Mike Tomlin said after the game, either, regarding how this was a good experience for his team because now they’ve experienced what a loss feels like.  Uh, yeah buddy, now you just sound like the Hawks coach after the decisive game in the Mighty Ducks.  Actually, you know what?  That’s okay in my book.  That guy was a fucking winner.  He didn’t let little ruin his streak of district championships.  Shit, I’m sure they re-grouped the next year and kicked those fucking Ducks’ asses, especially if there was no Gordon Bombay around.  Well, is there a Gordon Bombay in this league?  Is there?  No?  Well, then I like my chances with the kindly prosecutor from Alabama.  It’s just like they’re re-making those movies with Omar Epps.  And that’s fine with me.

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