I bet you assholes thought I was going to sandbag you this week, didn't you? You sons of bitches! Jesus, I'm one day late and you all freak out like it's your fucking girlfriend. Unbelievable. Bunch of jackals. On to the ratings.
32. San Francisco 49ers
Christ, how do you lose to the fucking Panthers? The Panthers! Shit I think they were a week away from giving Chris Weinke a call. How Mike Singletary is keeping his job is the greatest mystery in the world. Actually, no it's not. He probably just scares the shit out of their President, Jed York. Singletary's probably been called into York's office five times by now, and every time York probably gives himself the same pep talk in the mirror, "Okay Johnny, this time you're gonna do it—you're gonna tell that piece of shit Singletary he's fucking gone!" Then Singletary comes in, and he's like, "uh…just wanted to tell you you're doing a great job, big guy! Keep it up!" Christ—CALL FUCKING SECURITY ALREADY, YORK! MAN UP AND SAVE YOUR TEAM! Some people…
31. Buffalo Bills
They almost beat the fucking Ravens. Fitzpatrick is kind of a mixed blessing. I mean, it's good for them and a bunch of fantasy players that he's putting up big numbers this year. Unfortunately, his play could keep them from taking Luck in the draft this year, which would kind of be a shame. If the Rams taught us anything this year, it's that if you think a QB is your guy, you just stay put and take him. I mean, does anybody think that Fitzpatrick is going to lead the Bills to a Super Bowl? OK, maybe his wife. Still, I mean, Jim Kelly couldn't ever win them a Super Bowl, and he had four fucking tries! You think this snotty Hahhhvahhhd asshole is going to do better than Jim Kelly? Please.
30. Carolina Panthers
Way to go beating the Niners. Although, the way this team was going, I wasn't sure that they were going to win a game all year. Now they get to face a really banged up Rams team. Hopefully the Rams handle them, but I have a bad feeling about this one. Then I remember that John Fox is practically daring the owner to fire him so that he can interview for other coaches' jobs in-season, and I don't feel so bad.
29. Dallas Cowboys
Wow. Just wow. Did anyone else hear that slurp job Jon Gruden did on these guys during Monday Night Football this past week? I mean, keep it in your pants, buddy. He has such a hard-on for this coaching job, it's ridiculous. And you know what? Gruden is the kind of kick in the ass this team might need. The man absolutely cannot evaluate talent, but goddamn if he can't elevate a good group of players to become great. I mean, the man won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson as his QB. That pretty much says it all right there.
28. Detroit Lions
Christ, I don't know. I really still am at a loss regarding Matthew Stafford. Am I missing something big here? What has this guy done? Is this the guy you want as your QB? With his off-field habits, he makes Mark Sanchez look like Peyton Manning. Sure, Jahvid Best is good and Megatron can pull 'em in, but I think Stafford is the weak link. Fortunately for him, there are 42 million reasons why he gets two more years after this year to turn it around.
27. Denver Broncos
Something just went horribly, horribly wrong with this team last week. Just awful. How do you give up 59 points? To Oakland! I hate to say it, but I think that they're going to be 2-6 after this week. The reason? The Niners flew straight to London after their game against the Panthers. They've been working out there all week, getting used to the time zone and whatnot. The Broncos? They got in Thursday night. One of their players said something like, "We just have to get adjusted to the time, and we got two days for that!" Uh, hate to break it to you, buddy, but when I go to Europe, I don't even shit for three days. You think you can adjust from Pacific time to London time in two days? It's like a ten hours difference! Not good…
26. Jacksonville Jaguars
Even with David Garrard back, this team just doesn't seem very good to me. I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless. They're so bad they've left me speechless. No QB, no WR, shitty lines on both sides, maybe some ok guys on defense, but nothing too great. Awful coach. Just terrible. "Let's hire the first fucking meathead that walks through the door!" This is the same coach that once used a "motivational technique" that resulted in his punter PUTTING A FUCKING AXE THROUGH HIS LEG!!! And yes, you read the date on that article correctly. Jack Del Rio has been coaching there since 2003! Shit, give me a couple of years to shadow a head coach and I'll do a better job than this fucking gorilla. Ridiculous.
25. Arizona Cardinals
What happened to Max Hall?!? I thought he was the next Kurt Warner? Oh, wait, he has neither the arm strength nor the accuracy to be an NFL QB? It was just Ken Wisenhunt's way of trying to act like he could pull one over on all of us? "Wisenhunt you magnificent bastard, you just might do it yet!"
24. Minnesota Vikings
I am sick and fucking tired of this fucking soap opera. I've come to one conclusion—Brett Favre has the psyche of a middle school chick. Think about it—all of the coy games about "will he or won't he return?" every year, doing anything to get the attention of the media, sending pictures of his...err…"penis" to members of the opposite sex. Pretty soon he'll be flirting with the coaching staff and blowing all of the popular boys behind the shed. And, I mean, around Brad Childress, I wouldn't go teasing him too much. Pretty soon old Brett will have an Amber Alert out on him while he's chained up in Childress's basement. By the way, for all you Breaking Bad fans out there, isn't Brad Childress basically the same guy as Walter White, but with the added…er…bonus (at least from a comedic standpoint) of obvious pedophilic tendencies? Could anyone but Bryan Cranston play Childress in "The Brad Childress Story"? Can you imagine a worse movie? Let's move on…
23. Cleveland Browns
You better get down on your pitiful knees and thank God every fucking day for Colt McCoy, Mangini. That little prick is going to be the salvation of this franchise. And I mean, hey, if the little fella can see over the line well enough to deliver the ball, then more power to him! The only problem is, even with McCoy, they're just "okay" in a lot of places, especially RB and WR. I mean, the only pro-bowler they have on their team is Joe Thomas right now, right? They need to seriously upgrade the top-end talent on this squad.
22. San Diego Chargers
The Pats should've beaten them by about 30 points. I mean, really, this team is not very good. Norv Turner is clueless as a cuckolded husband, while little girl Phil Rivers is prone to throwing the odd…err..frequent tantrums. The bottom line is that, rightly or wrongly, Rivers is going to be around for a while, and Norv will be gone by the end of the year. By the way, is Ryan Matthews the "off-the-radar" story of the year? People were spending $35-$40 on him in auctions before the season, and now he's losing carries to a fullback! Is this guy really going to bust out as a first round RB? Uh…yeah…yeah I guess he is…
21. Cincinnati Bengals
Ugh. I hate that they made it this high. Really, I do. Just fucking blow it up already. You have two old wideouts, a cast-off running back, and a QB that only puts up big numbers in garbage time. I don't even know where to start. I would say "their window is closing," but, 1) it closed a long time ago, and 2) did they ever really have a window? I guess maybe they had a shot that one year where the Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl, but that asshole D-Lineman for the Steelers (Kimo Van Oellhoffen, if memory serves) rolled Carson's knee like a Star Market in Milton. That was it, right there—Carson was never the same after that, and the window was closed. Too bad. Oh, wait—actually not.
20. St. Louis Rams
Actually they're trending downward this week. Denario Alexander is out 2-4 weeks with a knee injury (yes, the bad knee), and Jason Smith just got his second concussion…in practice…and he took like 8 weeks to come back from the first one last year. Fuck. I mean, there have to be better options out there at WR than Brandon Gibson and Laurent Robinson, right? These guys routinely look lost out there. I don't know, there has to be an Antonio Bryant type out there, right? Who gives a shit if he fucks up his knee—"you ride her 'til she bucks ya', or you don't ride at all," am I right? Christ, just keep Bradford healthy, OK? After last week, I'm not expecting us to win the division, but keep Bradford healthy, for Chrissake!
19. Oakland Raiders
Holy shit. Just, wow. Darren McFadden is finally finding his footing, isn't he? That being said, let's not go sucking each other's dicks quite yet, fellas. Gotta figure out what to do with that QB situation against non-AFC West teams.
18. Chicago Bears
"Jay Cutler is the new Jeff George!" Oh, sorry, I thought that would get me in good with EVERY FUCKING MEMBER OF THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA! Fucking dickheads. I guess nobody realized that, though Cutler can throw a ball through a marble slab, he's not necessarily the sharpest knife in the drawer. Martz's system requires an intricate system of reads at the line by both receivers and the quarterback. In other words, something other than, "Durrrrr, just run that there route out thar' and I'll find ya'!"
17. Seattle Seahawks
Goddamn they have an easy schedule. Though it is eerily similar to that of the Rams…oh well. Fuck it. I'm not really sure how they keep winning games. Let's take a look at the next few weeks. At Oakland (push), vs. Giants (loss), at Arizona (win), at New Orleans (probable loss), vs. Kansas City (push—because of home field). The shitty part of that—I think they'd take 6-5 going into Week 12 in this fucking division. What a fucking crock.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Not impressed at all, Bucs. Just terrible. You're lucky that "Fat" Josh Freeman was able to run that two-minute offense so well against the Rams. But you know what? He fucking did it. Raheem Morris seems to legitimately believe that they're the best team in the NFC. If that's the case, it looks like the Rams will also have home field throughout the playoffs. I think the real reason for the turnaround is that they cracked down on all of the titty bars down in Tampa this past off-season. You didn't hear that? Oh yeah. Now, true, Bucs fans (all three of you), it helps the team keep focus during the season, but do you really think that players will want to come there as free agents knowing that there's a "Six Foot Rule" in place? You really think that all of these asshole baseball players come to St. Louis because "it's a good place to raise a family?" Please.
15. Green Bay Packers
You guys were lucky to get Minnesota last week. Really lucky. The Vikings have some old, limp-dicked, small-dicked middle school girl throwing the ball for them right now, and a fucking pedophile as a head coach. And still, old McCartman could only beat them by 4 points. I apologize if I ruined your season by pointing out that your head coach bears an uncanny resemblance to one of the most evil-yet-side-splittingly-hilarious cartoon characters of all time, Green Bay, but consider it a public service so that you can hire a ral coach next year, like…well…I'm not entirely sure who's available. You probably won't get a Bill Cowher or Jon Gruden because 1) Money talks and bullshit walks, and 2) who the fuck really wants to live in Green Bay anyway, am I right? Still, you better start lining candidates up now—best to get a head start on these sorts of things.
14. Miami Dolphins
They would be higher if they EVER RAN FUCKING RONNIE BROWN! I mean come on, you fucking cocksucker Sporano. I mean, at least let him throw the ball in the Wildcat. 8-8 ain't gonna cut it in the AFC East this year, and I'd be worried about handing the reigns over to old QB IIGS. Goddamn, if you're the Fins, how long can you continue this Henne charade? They haven't had a good QB since Marino. If I remember correctly, that was 1999! You've had a decade! Fucking figure it out already!
13. Houston Texans
I just have absolutely no faith in this squad at all. Just call them the Catholic Church (ba-doom-ching!)! Seriously, though, I don't think I could ever bring myself to bet on this team. Even if they were facing the Niners at home in a pick 'em. I'd get that weird feeling like "wait a second…is Kubiak gonna throw this one, or what?" I can never trust a team that I wouldn't bet on. I just can't. Call me a degenerate gambler. That's fine. It's not like G Gel Unit and I have started making side bets on NBA games just to make the season somewhat interesting. Plus, that way you avoid the vig. It's not too bad at all.
12. Washington Redskins
Another team hat just seems way too high. They sort of made it here by default. Which is fine—that's probably how five of the six teams will make the playoffs in the NFC this year. I get it. But still—they really have no running game (Ryan Torrain my ass) and a bunch of wideouts born during the Nixon administration. Their QB is pretty clearly on his last legs. But you know what they do have? Fucking Brian Orakpo. That motherfucker has 7 sacks already. Goddamn! He is electric. Chris Long has certainly improved lately, but this asshole can rush the passer! Yeeeee haw! Still, they would be around 17-18 in any other year.
11. New Orleans Saints
Pitiful. Fucking pitiful. You're only this high because I still believe in Drew Brees and Reggie is coming back at some point. And if those aren't some thin straws to hold onto, I don't know what are. I know Bill Simmons made a big deal in his NFL podcast this week about how Brees had a kid last week, so he probably was dealing with that shit. To which I say get a fucking nanny, sir! How much are the Saints paying you again? Oh, okay. All I know is, that's no excuse to lose to the fucking Browns at home. Shit, Antonio Cromartie has a new kid every other week—where do you see the Jets in this poll? That's what I thought.
10. Philadelphia Eagles
Another team that got SMAAOOCCKKKED down last week by a superior AFC team. Now, granted, the Titans are legit. I've been saying so for some time now. But there's no reason to get embarrassed by them. This further muddies the old QB controversy between Kevin "Inconsistent" Kolb and Dog Killer, Q.B. Do we really expect Andy Reid to work this one out? I mean, I can barely see him being able to figure out how to pay his electric bill, let alone decide what QB to use. I can imagine the conversations he has with his wife, "Honey, the gas people called, they said that they're going to shut off the gas if you don't pay the bill." "Uh huh." "And the IRS called—we're being investigated for tax evasion." "That's nice." "Also the kids are on heroin." "Mmm hmm." "No, seriously, you fat fuck, THE FUCKING KIDS ARE ON HEROIN!" They could make a sitcom out of it. "Making the Right Reid." "Extra, extra, Reid all about it!" "Reiding Rainbow." The possibilities are endless!
9. Kansas City Chiefs
Matt Cassell has actually been…well…"not terrible" the past couple of weeks. We might be looking at a playoff team here, folks! So this is what happens when you put two top-fifteen backs on one team? Huh. If the Chiefs can get here this year, then the rams can't be that far behind, right? Mwa haha. Mwa hahahaha. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
8. Indianapolis Colts
Wellity, wellity, wellity, it looks like somebody finally was finally bitten by the injury bug. It fucking hurts, doesn't it? It really gets in there and starts swelling up, huh? Oh my God, I had no idea it could look that bad. You know, you guys might want to get to a doctor or something. Do you know if you're allergic? I'm just saying, the Rams get bitten by those things all the time and it never looks like that. I mean, sure, there's some swelling but more like a really bad mosquito bite, not an infected, pus-riddled cancerous tumor. You should really get that checked out. Gross.
7. Baltimore Ravens
My God, the fucking Bills took them to the mat. If the Bills didn't buy the old Palpatine routine, they could've actually offed these fuckers. Flacco just keeps pumping that fucking gas like a pro. Now I see why they gave him that service station job in the first place. He is right on the fucking money every time. He is a superstar in the world of gas pumping. Of course, when dealing with semi-retarded high school kids and the elderly as competition, I think he has a leg up. Still, impressive. Most impressive. I just think that on the wrong week, even a mediocre NFC team could take these guys. For those keeping score at home, that's not good.
6. Atlanta Falcons
Like pretty much every other team in the NFC, great at home, questionable (at best) on the road. What should these teams do differently to play better on the road? Should they get into town earlier in the week? Maybe tell the team to disregard those local strip club coupons that I…err…the local visitor's bureau passes out to their rooms? I don't know. I'm fucking clueless on this one. Any thoughts?
5. New York Giants
This is the best the NFC has to offer? Really? Some dumb hick QB without a running game? I guess it helps when you have TWO FUCKING RECEIVERS THAT CATCH TWO TDs EACH EVERY FUCKING WEEK! FUCK YOU STEVE SMITH! I HATE YOU! I HAAAATTTEEE YOUUU! I mean, if they keep running the table in the NFC East, the more power to them. I just think it's not going to be as easy as everyone thinks.
4. Tennessee Titans
I love how the Titans are getting the media backlash this week after beating the Eagles by 18 points or whatever. On Mike and Mike in the Morning, I think both Golic and Schlereth said they think that the Titans "aren't as good as everyone thinks." Uh, fellas, who exactly thinks that they're that great? To the outside observer, they have a moron for a QB, a couple of wideouts that like to get in trouble with the law, and a shyster used car salesman as coach. They do have an All-Pro running back, but he seems to have forgotten the All-Pro part recently. They just have a great defense, and I mean, hey, sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. So fuck y'all.
3. New England Patriots
Another team that is somehow "overrated" in the eyes of the mainstream media. Overrated compared to what other team? These guys are 5-1 in one of the toughest divisions in football. They thoroughly outplayed the Chargers last weekend, and probably should've won that game by 30. Now, granted, their inability to step on the throat on that one is very un-Belichick-esque. Shit, I imagine if he was ever involved in a war, Belichick would go around stepping on the necks of his allies for absolutely no reason, other than to show everyone else in his platoon what an asshole he is. That said, they're 5-1, and Brady's castration isn't affecting the team…yet. I still think they're going to miss Moss in the playoffs, but until then, carpe fucking diem.
2. New York Jets
Bye week last week. They get Green Bay at home this week, so it's not like it's that big of a change. Who would've thought that Braylon Edwards would continue to be their number one wideout after Santonio Holmes came back? I mean, if there's one thing that watching one Super Bowl told me, it's that Santonio Holmes can catch the fucking football. Now he can't even catch my drift. Which is unbelievable because I'm not usually very subtle at all—I usually just kind of embarrassingly hammer away at something until it's glaringly obvious to everyone else, then laugh myself silly while everyone else sits around dumbfounded. Haha. Hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I am too funny!
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
At New Orleans this week could be tough. The Saints are coming off of an absolutely embarrassing home loss to the Browns, of all teams. Still, I wouldn't worry too much if I were a Steelers fan. And why is everyone all of a sudden making the "Gee, I bet Ben is glad that Favre got nailed for those cock shots, eh! Took the heat off of him!" First of all, I think the whole point is that Favre did not, in fact, get nailed, which is pretty pitiful. Combined with his small pecker, and I almost feel sorry for the old cocksucker. Almost. Secondly, do you think Ben can stand not being the foremost sexual deviant in the league right now? He's going to pull off a sexual caper the likes of which the league has never seen before. I mean, my God, letting him loose in New Orleans? If I was Mike Tomlin, I would literally have him on a leash the entire time. Literally. A ten-foot tether. He could take him outside to piss and shit, but other than that, "You're with coach Mike this weekend, Ben." Ah, what a life he gets to lead now, eh fellas?
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