Saturday, November 27, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 12

Holiday weekend? Three games already played? Not much time on a Saturday to get these done? Fuck it! On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

It really was unfair for the Ravens to play these guys last week. It was like watching an SEC team play a Big Ten team—they were just absolutely outclassed in every way. What is mind-boggling is that Brian St. Pierre is starting again this week, but the Panthers are only getting 10 against the Browns. Are you shitting me? Just keep giving away that money, Vegas! The only games I can think of where they beat the spread were against San Fran (won outright) and that weird game against the Saints where they hung with them and only lost by 3. So technically, they're doing better against the spread than they are in the standings. Fuck that. They're terrible.

31. Arizona Cardinals

Who's driving this boat again? You have two guys that don't even want to touch that wheel (Wisenhunt and Derek Anderson), and one guy that's been declared legally incompetent (Max Hall). Larry Fitzgerald would love to drive, but he's out on deck. Larry Fitzgerald wouldn't demand a trade this off-season, would he? Hmm…

30. Cincinnati Bengals

I really hope that Cincinnati just enjoys all of the reality TV shows and celebrity bullshit, because that's all they're getting this year from their $15 million investment in wideouts. Of course, they're burning another $12 million at the quarterback position. It'll be interesting to see if they stick with Palmer one year too late. Who will be available in the 2012 draft? Gabbert? Matt Barclay? Some other mercenary like Cam Newton that comes out of nowhere from a Juco and ultimately costs his school a championship five years after the fact? At this point, you kind of have to let Marvin finish out the year, unfortunately, which probably makes things hell for the players. How can you listen to a lame-duck guy that'll be gone at the end of the year? How many times has Marvin Lewis heard "fuck off" from a player in the past few weeks?

29. Detroit Lions

Goddamn, it was like they were just hosting a clinic for Tom Brady this week. Ridiculous. I've never seen such a shitty group of corners. And is there any doubt who the MVP of this team is anymore? Since Jahvid Best went down with that toe injury, they've gone from being "Best Shitty Team in the League" to "Shitty Team in the League." They even have their best QB out there and everything. And though Larry Fitzgerald has proven that wideouts can't do all of it themselves, shouldn't Megatron be doing a bit more if he really is as awesome as everyone says? Just a thought.

28. Minnesota Vikings

RIP Brad Childress. I couldn't believe what I heard on ESPN this week. After detailing the various problems Childress had with the Vikings, some bullshit talking head said, "But he's going to get another chance to coach in this league, and he'll probably be successful." Uh, what the fuck? Bitch, you cookin'? Now granted, Buffalo or some other Podunk shithole will probably give him another chance, but is there anything on his record that would lead you to believe that he's a good coach? Oh, he made the NFC Championship Game last year. But Mike Martz made a Super Bowl and no one has given him a second chance. And if I had a choice between Mike Martz and Brad Childress as my head coach, I'd go with Martz every day and twice on…err…Sundays. Fuck that guy. Will they get the post-coach-firing bump this week against a mediocre Redskins team? We'll see…

27. San Francisco 49ers

Goddamn the Bucs just came in and popped you bitches in the face, didn't they? Singletary had that stunned, Norv Turner look on his face. To be fair, though, he really has had that same look since he started coaching this team. I think they should be satisfied that his single contribution to the team has been turning Vernon Davis into a good football player and should just move on from there. Fuck this team.

26. Buffalo Bills

Poor Buffalo. I mean, yes, wins are nice and everything, but they're totally fucking up the draft. I bet you guys thought you were penciled in for Andrew Luck, right? Now you'll be "lucky" to get Jake Locker. Ugh. That's the pick that would set this team back five years, so it's probably the pick they'll make. Sorry, Buffalo…

25. Dallas Cowboys

They are getting "friskier," if you can say that about a football team. Still, old Jason Garrett ran out of the magic dust this week. And that's not a metaphor for anything—I think he has probably been living off drugs for weeks now, and simply ran out. He's pulling one hell of a snow job on Dallas (pardon the pun). What's his ceiling as a head coach? I don't think he's a Super Bowl winner. Maybe he makes an NFC Championship Game with them? Shit, for Dallas and Romo, that's basically like winning a Super Bowl at this point.

24. Cleveland Browns

This is probably too high, considering that "Cleveland Browns to start Jake Delhomme" was a news item this week. Still, they're on the "second bye" against the Panthers, and Delhomme obviously has something to prove, so they'll still likely cover. Although, Delhomme is a bit of a choke artist. Fuck, I forgot that. And I can throw a better ball than him right now. WHY AM I TALKING MYSELF INTO THE PANTHERS WINNING THIS ONE?!? THE BROWNS WILL WIN BY 17 NO MATTER WHO'S PLAYING QB!!! OVERTHINK ALERT! Let's move on…

23. Houston Texans

They couldn't beat a piñata right now. Actually, maybe that's what Kubiak spends all of his time on in practice now instead of, you know, drills and plays and stuff. Shit, he probably just throws big Mexican parties every week with mariachi guys, margaritas, Dos Equis, and, of course, lots of piñatas to prove to his players that, damn it, they can fucking beat something! He probably invites the owner, too—HOW THE FUCK ELSE COULD HE KEEP HIS JOB!?!? It has to look bad, though, when Matt Schaub looks like he has a chance to bust one of the fuckers open, but he waves the stick around helplessly like Brendan Ryan flailing at a curveball and comes up empty. I know you like your Mexican parties, Texans, but isn't there a better way to run a team?

22. Denver Broncos

Meanwhile, Josh McDaniels is just throwing a non-stop frat rager in Denver. How else could you explain that horrific showing against the Chargers? Does anyone else think that the "Kyle Orton is a great young QB" talk was a bit premature? I mean, shit, at this point, wouldn't you want to see what Tebow could do? He was a first round pick, right?

21. Washington Redskins

They were lucky that Vince Young finally remembered that he is a borderline Ward of the State again this week. How does a team with no running back, half a quarterback, and maybe collectively 1 ½ wideouts get to .500? Especially in this division? Unbelievable.

20. St. Louis Rams

A SHOVEL PASS?!? A FUCKING SHOVEL PASS??!? ON THE TWO FUCKING YARD LINE?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!? Yes, I realize that it's a young team. And yes, I also realize that they've surpassed pretty much all expectations already this season. Still, they could've easily won a couple of these losses and be 6-4 right now, leading the division. Instead, we just get "almost there," then nothing. 6-10 would be fine with me right now. Hopefully they can go into Denver this week and prove they can win on the road.

19. Tennessee Titans

Goodbye, Vince Young! I mean, I know I joke around about how stupid this guy is all the time, but I mean, did any of us really expect this to happen? Who do you think you are, the Ultimate Warrior? I wouldn't bet on Vince being back with the team. I think the car salesman can talk this owner into anything. He already pulled the old Clark Griswold switcharoo on the owner. Go ahead. Click on the link. You'll be pleasantly surprised. And yes, that was the only way I could find the clip. Oh well…

18. Oakland Raiders

Ouch. What the fuck is with this team? Obviously, when they throw, they're just awful. I don't know if Darren McFadden is going to be a perennial Pro Bowler or anything, but he's a goddamn workhorse. You ride him until he breaks down, much like the Rams have done. You don't want Jason Campbell or Bruce Gradkowski putting the game into their hands. They're like the anti-Allstate. Still, in that division, anyone has a chance…

17. Seattle Seahawks

Fuck this team. What zany motivational tactic will Pete Carroll use to "fire them up" this week? Maybe he's planning on lighting Charlie Whitehurst on fire (and then he'll move on to his motivational trick. Zing!), then put a sheet over him and snaps his fingers and—VOILA! He disappeared. Then, poof of smoke, Charlie's back, unharmed! Actually, maybe Pete Carroll should just switch it up and become a celebrity illusionist. That would be hilarious—let him headline the "new" Tropicana in Vegas, five shows a week. High comedy.

16. Miami Dolphins

Eee—old Taylor Thigpen, not so good, eh? That's the bad part about doing these things after the Thursday night game—I have nothing new to say about the Dolphins. Let's move on…

15. Kansas City Chiefs

The first of the "Good Bad Teams." Matt Cassell is kind of an enigma. By "enigma" I mean "a bad quarterback." Sure, they beat Arizona this past week, but we'll see if they can go into Seattle and do the same. Hopefully they can—that would be nice. If they beat the Hags and the Rams can somehow beat Denver, then who knows…

14. Chicago Bears

13. Jacksonville Jaguars

I am going to keep pairing these shitty teams with good records together until one of them distinguishes themselves. I think Jacksonville is one of the more interesting gambling teams in the league. They're always within 3 or 4 points, right? Of course, this week they're getting 7 at the Giants. That's not a bad little bet, there. Not bad at all. Meanwhile, Chicago has Philly at home. Hopefully Philly exposes these guys for the frauds that they are. If somehow Chicago wins this game, they're going top ten next week. You can bank on that one.

12. New York Giants

Their top two wideouts are out this week. They just benched their starting running back for fumbling too much. Their new starting running back almost killed their quarterback in the preseason. Eli is, well, Eli. They probably should've lost that game against the Eagles by at least 21 points. And they're still giving 7 to the Jags this weekend. Gotta love Vegas!

11. New Orleans Saints

That game against the Cowboys didn't exactly inspire a lot of confidence in these guys. I mean, if a shitty team like that can take them to the mat, what if they catch a bad week in the first two weeks of the playoffs? Drew Brees is trying admirably to salvage this thing, but Reggie looks like a saboteur out there right now, and none of the wideouts are really stepping up. Plus, there are all of the…err…"distractions" that come with playing in New Orleans. I dunno. We'll see how they hold up down the stretch.

10. Indianapolis Colts

That's a tough one to lose against the Pats, Peyton. By the way, he really had his first "what the fuck?" moment in a regular season game, didn't he? Are we watching him start to slip a little? Next thing you know, he'll be calling everyone "Billy" and insisting that the people from the home are stealing all of his shit. Once that happens, how long is it going to take to turn this thing around again? People forget just how shitty the Colts were for years and years before Peyton got there, and there's clearly no team that's geared around a single player more so than the Colts. It's like ripping the brain and spine out of that team, Sub Zero style. And yes, I'm trying to think of a way to liken Mike Caldwell to a headless, spineless corpse, but I really think the image kind of speaks for itself. He even kind of looks like Kano in that video. (Speaking of Sub Zero, if you have 3:30, this is a pretty cool little youtube video. Don't tell me you don't enjoy it…).

9. Tampa Bay Buccanneers

Nice little hatchet job on the Niners last week, Jaaash. Let's go into Bill Simmons mode for a second: "Look out Baltimore—hurricane Jaaash Freeman is coming into town! He's going to impregnate your wives and girlfriends like Tom Cruise in Cocktail! It's gonna be a 134 on the unintentional comedy scale, right behind Tom Cruise running at full speed in All the Right Moves. John Harbaugh will be making the Peyton Manning face for a week once Jaaash is done with him! Bucs 52, Ravens -13—I'll take the Bucs and the money line!" Trust me, listen to his NFL picks podcast once and you'll understand.

8. San Diego Chargers

Wow, that was a quick move up. I guess it doesn't hurt to get healthy and be firing on all cylinders. Unless, of course, you're talking about Yips Kaeding. I think they'd be better off just going for it every fourth down and going for two every time than trusting Kaeding not to piss himself with even a tangentially important kick. He probably cries when he has to hit an extra point to put them up by 7 instead of 6. Then that gets Rivers crying, and Norv really has a mess on his hands. HE ONLY HAS ONE BOTTLE, YOU FUCKING BABIES, SO UNLESS ONE OF YOU WANTS TO SUCK ON HIS SAGGY MAN-TIT, YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK!!! Ugh, you do, Nate? That's fucking disgusting.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Tough call in this slot, but I'm going with the Leash and the Gray Mamba. They still don't have a left tackle. That kind of shit might not matter against the Raiders, but it will against the Jets. I think Tomlin must've taken Roth for a nice long walk before that Raiders game, maybe took him to the park. Of course, unlike most male dog owners, he probably didn't try to use Roth to pick up chicks at the park, but still, it was nice to let the big guy out to get some exercise. See everyone? As Caesar Milan would say, a tired Roth is a good Roth.

6. Green Bay Packers

Thank God somebody embarrassed Childress. It was like McCartman thought Childress was Scott Tenormann or something. Yeesh. Just a really bad spanking. And you know Aaron Rodgers was loving every minute of it. I'd like to think that in that tearful embrace with Favre, Rodgers was just rattling off shit like, "Fuck you, you dirty old fuck. I finally drove the fucking stake through your cold, black heart. Sorry about your tiny dick, bro." That would be priceless! If he did that, give him the fucking Oscar right now!

5. Baltimore Ravens

Way to beat up on the fucking little guy, Baltimore. Jesus, can you imagine fucking Brian St. Pierre, good Catholic B.C. guy, showing up at his home stadium and just seeing the fucking Ravens defense across from him, carrying tire irons and fucking chains and shit to a fucking street fight? Jesus Christ. Maybe Tampa Bay can take them in their own building. Of course, it's equally likely that Josh Freeman will be on IR after this one. Yikes.

4. New York Jets

They're a very deceiving 9-2. They're the kind of 9-2 the Rams could be if like every break had gone their way this year. I guess they finally put away the #30 team this week by a couple of touchdowns, but every game has been so close for them where they barely escape with their asses intact. They're like the neighborhood lothario who goes around seducing other guys' wives and ends up barely slipping out of the upstairs window as the husbands "come home from business trips early" and "decide they just want to stay in and watch a movie." I mean, I can see Sanchez doing that, but Rex Ryan? [BLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH! BLLLLAAAAAAAHHHH! BLLAAAAAAAHHH! Oh God, oh God, I think that's BLAAAAAAAAAH! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]

3. Atlanta Falcons

Matty Ice is the real deal. Their line is pretty fucking good, too. In one of my earlier rankings, I wrote about how there was seemingly a lack of a "New Generation" of quarterbacks in the league. Well, apparently ESPN has provided us with our answer. Thinking about it, you could do worse than Ryan, Flacco, Sanchez, Freeman and Bradford. I do think Ryan and Bradford stand out a bit from that crew, and Freeman is probably right there with them, too. Unfortunately, ESPN's track record with these type of things isn't too great, as this (in hindsight hilarious) article can attest. With Roth, Eli, Romo, Cutler, and Rivers, they basically went 2-2-1, with Eli being the tie. That means that if they go three and two here, they'd be in good shape. What do I think it means? Obviously either Matt Ryan or Bradford is going to become a sexual assaulter. I mean, seriously, though, unless Joe Flacco has a lot of skeletons in his closet (and, I mean, really, he could—have you even ever heard the man give an interview? Me neither. He could be the Wilmington Strangler for all I know), this group of QBs seems to have their shit together more so than that group. Let's hope these guys end up being better than that last generation.

2. Philadelphia Eagles

They really should have won that game against the Giants by more. A lot more. I don't know why they buttoned things up so much in that game—they tried Hail DeSean maybe once, and I don't know if they ever tried Hail Jeremy. So what if they were playing like 3 safeties? YOUR RECEIVERS ARE FAR FASTER THAN ANY SAFETY IN THE LEAGUE! Meanwhile, for once Dog Killer didn't just look like a superhuman the whole game. It's the first chink in the armor. Which is good—if this team makes the Super Bowl, I would root against them pretty much no matter what. Even if they're up against the…

1. New England Patriots

To come back four days after a draining rivalry game and just put that ass-kicking on the Lions is goddamned impressive. Brady looks like he's finally all the way back from that knee surgery. Goddamnit—I hate the fucking Patriots, man. Fucking Belichick and Brady. How can they plug in Ben Jarvis Green Ellis and get rid of Moss and still just keep plugging along? It's like a gigantic Socialist experiment gone horribly right. Obama is probably studying their game tape right now, thinking to himself, "Hmm. How can we adopt this in this country?" And yes, I've turned all the way on Barry. If the Republicans run a halfway-capable, moderate candidate this time, say, someone that has a name that rhymes with "Ritt Momney," I'll vote for them in half a heartbeat. Yes we can? No, we're fucked.

Questions? Comments? Want less politics in your rankings? Fuck yourself. E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 11

Sorry these are so late (and short) this week, but I was in Vegas at the end of last week and have been sick this week. What the fuck do you care, anyway? This is free, ain't it? Regardless, I am back from the land where people carry $100 bills like they're $10s, and where two hours of sleep a night is considered "sleeping in." On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Seeing that "Tampa Bay -7 at Carolina" on the board at the MGM sports book last week was like seeing a sign that read "Free Money!" What a fucking joke. No running back, no quarterback, shitty wideouts, horrendous defense, John Fox being sponsored by the U.S. Postal Service right now he's mailing it in so badly—where does it end? Don't think that their new coach won't trash the Clausen experiment next year, either. Based on what I've seen this year, I would be absolutely shocked if they didn't take Andrew Luck first overall, assuming, of course, that Buffalo eeks out another win down the stretch.

31. Arizona Cardinals

All I've heard this week is "Poor Larry Fitzgerald." Poor Larry Fitzgerald? Yeah, it would be terrible to be one of the top athlete millionaires in the world where your biggest problems are that no one can throw you the ball and your Bentley needs an oil change. Fucking cry me the Mississippi. It does beg the question, though: where are they going to get a quarterback in the off-season? I mean, shit, unless Washington releases McNabb (which apparently is a distinct possibility based on his contract), they're either going to have to make a deal for a Marc Bulger-type (ugh), or I guess take Cam Newton near the top of the draft. I hear his dad will be asking whatever pro team he plays for to pony up some dough. Actually, if $180,000 is his price, then those negotiations could go pretty smoothly. Something tells me he's not going to stick around at Auburn to see how this one plays out. That said, I could definitely see him as a late riser—I've only seen him play like once and I can tell you he's infinitely better than Locker or Mallett. Shit, he might even be better than Luck. He's one to keep an eye on.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

Oh boy. This isn't good. Maybe they got so wrapped up in the "TOcho" show (or whatever the fuck it's called) that they forgot that there are actual football games going on here. Of course, that didn't stop them from pulling that backdoor cover out of their fucking asses last week. ONE FUCKING POINT! ONE FUCKING GODAMMNED POINT!!! I mean, not like it mattered, but if Indy would've covered and the Rams would've won that game outright, I would be quite a bit richer right now from a nice little four-teamer. This asshole Carson Palmer just has to fuck up whatever he touches, doesn't he? Fucker.

29. Minnesota Vikings

What a fucking mess. Somebody just end this fucking hoosier's career already, please. Favre is an embarrassment. And he's playing poorly! [Ba-doom CHING!]. Seriously, though, I think just about everybody other than Peter King has turned on him by now—the media, his teammates, his wife, and so on. But big ole' Peter King will be there, stroking his hair, giving him a shoulder to cry on, begging for some…err…"texts" from Favre. Man, that's a depressing mental picture. Fuck. Now I'm depressed. Let's move on…

28. Detroit Lions

Well, you went and did it, Lions. You really shit the bed last week, didn't you? Man, it was ugly. Just brown, smelly shit all over the covers and everything. What? Don't fucking try to blame it on the dog! That's fucking low. Do you realize how big that dog would have to be? I think they're really glad that they took Ndam Suh. I mean, who else could lead the defense to a loss to the fucking winless Bills? What a great pick. One final Lions note: they say that Stafford's injury is basically the same thing Bradford had last year, but "not as bad." James Andrews doesn't even want to operate on it. If I were Stafford, I would demand that Andrews give me the fucking Bradford Bionic rubber-band surgery. I think this is going to be the new Tommy John surgery for quarterbacks. Speaking of which, you don't see too many quarterbacks out with Tommy John surgery, right? You would think there would be a couple at any given time—shit, they throw a lot more frequently than pitchers probably, what with all of the practice and whatnot. Sort of odd. Think about it…

27. Buffalo Bills

Finally, they ran into a team shittier than them. Unfortunately, they may have lost themselves the Andrew Luck (or Cam Newton) sweepstakes in the process. Much like the 1972 Dolphins pop some champagne when the last undefeated team goes down, do you think the members of the 2008 Lions get together and drink out of a toilet when the last completely defeated team finally gets a win? Shit, some of those guys are probably still in Detroit. Maybe they were thirsty.

26. Dallas Cowboys

That was some sight in Vegas—seeing how many people bet on the Cowboys and that 13.5 point spread. I can't imagine anyone but the biggest Cowboys homer and/or the guy fixing the game would bet that money line. Not in a million years. It had to be like +500 or so. Dez Bryant looks like some sort of Randy Moss-on-steroids experiment gone horribly right. I mean, he's changing games right now with JON KITNA as his quarterback! JON FUCKING KITNA! I still don't trust guys that leave the "H" out of "John." Except Jon Hamm. I trust Jon Hamm COMPLETELY AND UNWAVERINGLY!!!

25. San Francisco 49ers

You dicks couldn't wait to fuck up my money line bet, could you? I love how everyone is bitching this week about "Oh my God, that game should've been a blowout, they had 3 TDs called back!" Yeah, and they should've had a fourth one called back, too—did you see the 3 O-linemen holding Rams on that last TD? It was ridiculous. They just look like a very, very poorly-coached team right now. Without Troy Smith, they'd be in their customary 30 spot right now. How fucking lucky can you get. Man.

24. Cleveland Browns

That game against the Jets was a fucking crock. That said, they looked pretty good out there. Colt McCoy continues to impress. He's got some of the same intangibles as Bradford, but he's a foot shorter and has a much weaker arm. As Bill Simmons notes, he's a good rebound girlfriend to pull you back up out of your depression. You're not gonna marry the guy, Cleveland, but he'll help you forget about Bron Bron for a while.

23. Houston Texans

Somebody should've warned Gary Kubiak to get the fuck out of there before this thing imploded. If you're a shitty team (let's say…the Panthers), wouldn't you hire this guy after he gets fired to bring you back to 8-8? Shit, that team would be ecstatic to get 8 wins over the next 3 years. I really think they have to ditch Kubiak and actively look for a replacement for Schaub before they'll go anywhere. By the way, did you know that in the 2004 draft, the Rams were ready to take Schaub with their third-round pick, but the Falcons took him the pick immediately preceding it? The Rams settled for Tony Hargrove. It makes you wonder—would we still be stuck with his vanilla, "can't-win-the-even-mildly-important-one" routine still? I think I'd rather sit through a three year stretch of my team going 6-42. I did? Oh, okay. It was all worth it to get a franchise QB, though. Bills, Panthers, Niners, Cardinals, Bengals, Chiefs, Vikings, Browns, Redskins, and Dolphins fans take note: it was all worth it.

22. Miami Dolphins

Who's going to be the first one to bitch that they've already played this week? I'll set a line, if you want…That said, they looked fucking terrible against the Bears. Just awful. I seriously think they'd be better off just running the wildcat exclusively right now with Ronnie Brown in the gun than with porn-named Taylor Thigpen in there. Yikes. It's bad when one of your QBs is a dumb robot that can throw through plywood (but right to the other team), the other is a noodle-armed has-been that should be wrapped in bubble wrap, and the third one sucks, it's not exactly a recipe for success in the AFC East.

21. Washington Redskins

Speaking of has beens—Donovan F. isn't doing too well out there, is he, Skins fans? You would think they would learn this after sitting through god-knows how many years of his shit on the other side. But no. Man. I guess they tried to make the Vito Corleone offer to the Rams at the draft, but the Rams wisely told the Mafia to fuck right off. Wait, that doesn't sound like the right thing to do. I guess Spags is Italian. Maybe he's "connected." Hmm…

20. Denver Broncos

19. San Diego Chargers

18. Kansas City Chiefs

17. Oakland Raiders

I put the entire AFC West together because I really have no fucking clue what is going to happen in this division each week. After that "KC -1" debacle last week, I don't think I'd bet this division in a million years. If you gave me your money to place a bet on one of these teams right now, I think I'd refuse to do it. You've got teams getting blown out by 40 points, then turning around and blowing other teams out by 30. Norv Turner always looks like someone has hit him in the face with a shovel. Josh McDaniels is doing kegstands on the sidelines, win or lose. Todd Haley is bitching like…well…a little bitch. If you don't watch out, Todd, one of your players will start throwing gay slurs at you. Oh, wait, that already happened last year. To be honest, out of all of these teams, I think the Raiders are going to end up winning the division. At least their coach will crack an orbital bone or two when he needs to get shit done. They have the weird rotational quarterback scheme like a fucking SEC team. And don't forget the Pollack kicker, who has apparently shaken the yips. Meanwhile, I think Nate Kaeding's middle name is "Yips." Nate Yips Kaeding. Yeah, has a nice ring to it. The Chiefs are fading fast, and I wouldn't trust Josh McDaniels to wash my car right now. Oakland—bank on it.

16. St. Louis Rams

FUCKING DANIELS FELLS COCK BALLS SON OF A BITCH!!! I had to get that out of my system. The Niners pulled the old Palpatine routine on us, didn't they? (And yes, I realize that I've used that clip before, but I just love it so much…) All these road teams do it to the Rams. They're like the Mace Windu of the NFL. If I were Steve Spagnuolo, I would just practice stepping on throats for like a week before the next game. Start with cadavers, then…well…let's just say "move on from there." On a positive note, Bradford looked in command in leading that game-winning [Daniel Fells note: tying] drive. So that's a plus. They're going to really need to step it up this week against Matty Ice and the Falcons.

15. Seattle Seahawks

When Charlie Whitehurst starts, they're horrendous. When Matt Hasselbeck starts, they're mediocre. Still, over the next 3 weeks (@ NO, vs. KC, vs. Carolina), they might be able to go 2-1. Fuck. At least it gets a little tougher later on for them. Fucking Seahags.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars

13. Chicago Bears

The two bad good teams. They both have middle-of-the-road-to-bad QBs, both good running games, both good defenses (for the most part). I would like to be able to bet against either one of these teams as a wildcard team on the road in the first round of the playoffs. I wouldn't even care if it was Bears at Rams and Jacksonville at Oakland—it would still be the "Free Money!" sign all over again. So what, Chicago beat Miami on Thursday? Jacksonville hits a Hail Mary? How the fuck are these teams staying in the thick of things? These two coaches should be coaching defenses next year. Instead, they'll be staggering to 8-8 again, if that. Somebody step on their throats already! Spags, you want to practice?

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Thank you, Bucs! You just paid for my evening last night! On another note, rumor has it that Bill Simmons and Josh Freeman were last seen on their way to Massachusetts together. What a ridiculous mancrush. I mean, who is stupid enough to have a mancrush on a young QB? Honestly! It's pretty ridiculous. Now Sam Bradford—THERE's a young QB…

11. Tennessee Titans

Hoo boy. Hopefully they're better able to use Moss going forward. I think that my fears may have been confirmed—Vince Young is just too stupid to realize that he has a good receiver on his team. I can just picture Jeff Fisher drawing up diagrams, maybe using some action figures to try to explain it. "So Vince, you understand? You're Buzz Lightyear, and Randy here is Donatello. You, Buzz Lightyear, throw the ball to Donatello here, who pretty much exclusively will be streaking down the sideline." "So Randy is a big turtle? I thought they were slow." <shaking head> "Okay, now Kerry, let's try this with you…"

10. New York Giants

We got no food, we got no booze, we got no jobs…OUR STADIUM'S POWER IS GOING OFF! What a horrendous game that was. These super stadiums are ridiculous. Although, to be fair, the power outage seems like something that would happen at Jerry Jones' stadium, not in New Jersey. I maintain that this team cannot win the NFC with Ahmad Bradshaw as their starting running back. He's just not good enough. Also, apparently Juice Monster receivers can have a field day against their corners—good luck if you make it to the Super Bowl and catch Anquan Boldin in one of his "moods."

9. Green Bay Packers

Something about them just doesn't seem right. Still, against Minnesota, I like McCartman's chances—at least he knows he won't be outcoached. As D'Marco Farr was saying on 101.1 ESPN here on Friday, Clay Matthews may have been born to end Brett Favre's career. That way he can go drive the carpool and text all of the housewives in Tupelo, MS, or wherever he lives. Finish him, Clay. FINISH HIM!!!

8. Pittsburgh Steelers

Injuries, injuries, and New England. Losing your left tackle without a suitable backup can be a slight problem. This Oakland game this week has a really bad feeling about it, one way or another. A playoff team takes care of business here. If they lose, they could be in real trouble, given how the AFC South and East are going. Of course, in any given week, if Ben gets off the leash, they could be done. Do you think Mike Tomlin ever worries about him when he gets off the leash? Do you think he goes around putting "Missing—6' 6" human quarterback. Reward offered for return" signs out around Pittsburgh? Maybe he should.

7. New Orleans Saints

They had a bye last week. Reggie Bush comes back this week. They should win against the Seahawks. (Do you see how dry I could make these if I wanted to? You're welcome.)

6. Baltimore Ravens

What a spicy Thursday night game last week! I had Atlanta parlayed with the over. With like 3 minutes left, I thought I was totally dicked. Thank you, Ravens! They didn't look too impressive to me. Flacco is about to get busted back down to assistant night manager again. Gotta do better than that, Joey.

5. Indianapolis Colts

They…just…will…not…die. By the way, the tight end I mentioned a couple of weeks ago? Jacob Tamme. I know because I FUCKING PICKED HIM UP BEFORE ANY OF YOU OTHER ASSHOLES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, really, though, the injuries are getting to be a bit much. Although as long as Manning is on the field, they have a chance. Shit, they'd probably be okay if he could still coach. I guarantee you that if Curtis Painter gets in there, Manning is still calling the plays. Why wouldn't he? Their offensive coordinator has to have the easiest job in sports. Although, actually, he probably has to kiss Peyton's ass all the time. Now Mike Caldwell—there's a job! Can you imagine his schedule? "9:00-11:45: Nap. 12:00-2:00: Lunch and drinking. 2:00: Pass out at lunch, be made fun of by coaching staff for 'dying again,' then for being a lightweight. 5:00: wake up and go home." Unbelievable. And he gets paid millions for this! Not a bad deal, at all…

4. New York Jets

Mark Sanchez has to be the luckiest man alive right now. Somehow he's considered "clutch" because he can throw a five yard pass slightly behind his receiver. Unbelievable. I would say that I wanted to take a trip to Vegas with him and Rex Ryan, but (1) I think Vegas has taken enough of my money this year already, and (2) we'd get bogged down stopping at every buffet on the strip. We'd still come out behind! How that town can continue to rip my heart out and leave me wanting more, I have no idea. I'm like a dumb chick that likes bad boys, and right now, Vegas is telling me what a bitch I am and how I should get back in the kitchen. "What time do you want dinner, Vegas?"

3. Atlanta Falcons

Thank you, Falcons! Now fuck off! I'm going to the game on Sunday, and it should be exciting. Hopefully the Rams are able to get to Matty. I mean, really, this guy looks like the 22-year old that's in Boy Scouts, then decides to help out with the troop after he becomes an Eagle Scout. Which is kind of creepy, actually. Unfortunately for the Rams, even if they take out Mike Turner, the Falcons' best running back is probably the backup (Jason Snelling). Whatever. Fuck them.

2. New England Patriots

They sure put a pasting on the Pats this week, eh? To be honest, I didn't get a chance to see the game because I was still nursing my asshole on a flight back from Vegas at the time. The Sports Guy says that Brady finally looked like he was back in the saddle, high fiving guys and showing some emotion. Maybe he just likes challenges. Or maybe he found out Giselle was fucking around on him. To which I say, sorry Tom, but she was begging for it—I couldn't help it! Hey now!

1. Philadelphia Eagles

Ugh. I need a shower. This is disgusting. Fucking Dog Killer, Q.B. This is the perfect team and perfect offense for him—two guys that can just run streaks on either side all day, and a QB that either can only throw 70-yard bombs or take off and run for 12 yards every time. Their defense is "good enough." I'd much rather have a good offense than a good defense when it comes down to it. First of all, it puts asses in the seats. Second of all, you can always score more points if you're behind—at least you're in control. If you're a defensive team, and your defense takes one play off, or blows one coverage assignment, you're fucked. This team can just put up points in bunches—with Vick on the field, they look pretty unstoppable. The best defense against them is probably the Redskins defense—put a bounty on Vick and take him out. And you know what? I'm actually okay with that.

Questions? Comments? Notice the clever time-saving device I employed above? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 10

I would make a joke about how they should rename the league the "No Fucking Idea League," because I legitimately have no fucking idea what's going to happen week-to-week, but that would make it the NFIL and that would be fucking idiotic. So it goes. On to the rankings:

32. Carolina Panthers

Yikes. Now Matt Moore is out for the year. You would think that the "most NFL-ready quarterback in last year's draft" would seize this opportunity and prove what he could do. Instead, he put up a line that looks like this: 8-18 (44%) for 47 yards and an INT. Oh, and by the way, he got benched for Tony Pike. At this point, if they get the first overall pick, they have to dump him like a crazy bitch for the more successful, confident Andrew Luck, right? I mean, if you want to be Brad Pitt, you have to drop Jennifer Aniston if Angelina Jolie, or in this case, maybe around a poor man's Jennifer Garner, comes around, right? Also, I don't know why John Fox is getting so much pub for the Cowboys job opening. I mean, when are these people going to wake up? HE'S GOING TO GO 1-15 THIS YEAR! THAT'S FUCKING SCOTT LINEHAN TERRITORY! Yeah, I want a coach that always tries to get by on the cheap at quarterback. I've seen that dance before. It's not pretty.

31. Dallas Cowboys

Thank God Jerry Jones finally grew a heart and pulled out the old shovel to put Wade Phillips out of his misery. He was crying like a baby while he did it. "Are there gonna be rabbits there, Jerry?" "Yeah, Wade, we're gonna have rabbits and everything…" <THWACK>. Even buried the poor bastard with the thing after he did it. I hope Jason Garrett is happy—he passed up so many coaching opportunities to have a shot at coaching the Cowboys. Well fella, you're going to get your fucking shot now. Enjoy your 8 games.

30. Buffalo Bills

That was your chance, Buffalo. Though if you want Andrew Luck, it might be better to stay off the board—I don't think Carolina is going to sniff another win all season. The next two weeks are their last chances for a while: Detroit at home (at least I think it's Buffalo, not Toronto), and at Cincy. After that, they get the Gray Mamba and the rest of the Steelers at home; that one is not going to be pretty.

29. Denver Broncos

Ugh. What a fucking mess. How did it get so bad so quickly? Two words: Josh McDaniels. My guess is that on the bye, he went back to his old college, hung out at the house, had a few brews with some bros, and maybe took down a couple of slam pieces. Or, as he calls it, Saturday night. Maybe that's his problem. I've been to my share of football games with devastating hangovers, but I'm certainly never in any condition to coach a football game. I usually just pound a couple of beers and am right back on the horse. McDaniels wouldn't do that, right? Right?

28. San Francisco 49ers

Leave it to Mike Singletary—not only is he a former All-Pro linebacker, but he is a current All-Pro Moron. Shit, he might be captain of the team. He apparently is considering starting Alex Smith this weekend against the Rams. To which I say, please do, good sir! Maybe he's just confusing the two Smith QBs. It makes sense—they kind of look alike.

27. Arizona Cardinals

Devastating loss to the Vikings. I mean, they could've ended Minnesota's season and had a share of first place in the NFC West. Instead, they continue to rapidly fade. I hope they beat the Seahags this week—that would assure the Rams of at least being tied for first no matter what.

26. Minnesota Vikings

Goddamn they're lucky. Childress, too—he was about five minutes away from losing his job. I cannot fathom the amount of drugs Brett Favre must be on at this point to be able to stand up, let alone quarterback a football game. I mean, he allegedly has a broken ankle, and certainly let anyone who would listen know so two weeks ago. Either he's on pills and needles, or he was maybe "exaggerating" for effect a little bit. Just like a middle school girl would. Fucking drama.

25. Detroit Lions

These guys just keep finding ways to lose football games. Memo to Jim Schwartz—when your kicker is hurt, you might not want your 300-pound fat fucking defensive lineman to try the extra point. I mean, why not go for two on that one? You're telling me that you have more faith in Ndam Suh kicking a field goal than getting 2 yards with Megatron on a play action pass? Really? I'm starting to wonder about this guy. Matt Stafford might be done. Ask ½ Man ½ Am-Asian—those shoulder separations just get more and more frequent the more you get them. Not good, Stafford. What do they draft this year? A cornerback? O-Line would be ideal, but there just aren't any high first-round values at tackle this year. Oh well. Fuck 'em.

24. Seattle Seahawks

Goddamn, Charlie Whitehurst is even worse than I thought. And I thought he was god-awful. He's really bad. That Marshawn Lynch trade is really working out well for them, eh? I'm sure Pete Carroll has some cute little scheme at practice to get the guys fired up, like when he had LenDale White throw that dummy off the roof at USC, or when he did cannonballs into the pool after practice. I'm sure these guys will love it, Pete. Maybe he'll have Bill Gates and Ichiro stop by and he'll pretend to gun them down with an AK-47 (don't worry—it would be blanks and squibs), then have them mysteriously spring back to "life" halfway through practice after Whitehurst "heals" them. Yeah, that would be great fun! See—this guy can bring people back from the dead—he's our guy! Haw haw!

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

Another team coming off the bye this week. I'm not really sure what you do with a free week in Jacksonville, other than get the fuck out of Jacksonville. Somehow they're favored over the Texans at home—I realize the Texans are underachievers, but come on! Lose to the Jags? It's the Mediocre Coaches Bowl on CBS!

22. Cincinnati Bengals

They fought valiantly against the Steelers, but if fighting valiantly got you anything, we'd all be speaking with British accents right now. Carson Palmer looked awful when it mattered against the Steelers, and, well, that's what mattered. T.O. really got in his face a couple of times, too. He did not look happy. I would be worried if I was Carson. Be careful in the shower. Although I can see Palmer as the type of guy that showers separately from the rest of the team, or at least with a bathing suit on.

21. Chicago Bears

They barely beat the Bills on a neutral field. How this team is 5-3, I have no idea. Cutler is clearly not the answer, and Forte apparently had his nuts cut off at some point. At least he's running like that's the case. Fucking Bears. In that division, you never know…

20. Washington Redskins

I'm sick of all of this McNabb/Grossman/Shanahan shit. I can tell you what McNabb did on the bye—nothing. Absolutely nothing. Probably ate Campbell's Chunky Soup and took like five naps a day. Maybe he booted on Sunday out of habit. He probably ordered a lot of pizza, too. Maybe had some buddies over and got shitfaced. I don't know—whatever a "nice guy" who doesn't really care about football does on a fall weekend. Meanwhile Shanahan was probably pulling 13 all-nighters preparing for the Eagles this week. Now McNabb will pretend like he cares about this game more than the others because he is supposed to, but at this point, I don't think he really does. Whatever. If he doesn't care, then why should I care again?

19. Cleveland Browns

Colt McCoy and Peyton Hillis have reinvigorated this town! Is it just me, or does Hillis really look like a meathead? He could be an honors student for all I know, but he sure looks like a fucking meathead. I think it's pretty clear now that McCoy was the second best QB available in the draft this year. That's not to say that he's definitely going to be a Pro Bowler or anything like that, but he has a chance to be a good NFL QB. That's better than you can say for other QBs that may have been drafted in, say, the second round this past year. The Browns might have a keeper. A short keeper, but a keeper nonetheless.

18. San Diego Chargers

Here they go. The baby and the cuckolded husband are starting to make their run. How do they dig up these guys off of practice squads at wideout? Why can't the Rams be this lucky? Is it just me, or does it seem like there aren't really any good, young, superstar wideouts outside of the Giants and Eagles? Granted, Nicks, Steve Smith, DeSean, and Maclin are great, but still—there should be more, right?

17. Houston Texans

They're right on schedule at 4-4. A solid "C" right now. Not showing off, not falling behind. I'm going to Vegas this weekend, and I wish there was a way that you could bet on things like "Texans will finish 8-8 this season." It's pretty much a sure thing. Fucking Kubiak.

16. St. Louis Rams

Did we really make it this high? My God, average! That's all you can ask from this team at the moment, right? This game against the Niners is going to be big. If they win, they're in the driver's seat in the West. If they lose, it only gets tougher down the stretch. I mean, somehow the Rams are 6 point dogs in this one. Do you think I'm going to bet the money line? Because you're absolutely right—might as well. Once Bradford proves he can win on the road, watch the fuck out.

15. Kansas City Chiefs

What a sloppy, horrendous effort out there in Oakland last week. Just terrible. Matt Cassell does not look like the long-term solution at QB. Something about him that screams "Next Texans or Jags QB." Just a hunch. The wheels are starting to fall off a bit. This AFC West race could get really interesting down the stretch. Stay tuned.

14. Oakland Raiders

Boy, Janikowski really loves flirting with those goal posts, doesn't he? If you'll recall, back in the day, the BlogMogger writers were kind of big fans of a little show called The Pick-Up Artist. According to Mystery, Janikowski is going about it all wrong. He's being way too forward—really being an AFC. He needs to break out a killer gambit, throw it a few negs, maybe AMOG a bit, and kino escalate into a fuck-close of the goalposts, not beg them like a whipped husband for sex. And if you understood what that last sentence means, congratulations, you're as big of a fucking dork as I am.

13. Miami Dolphins

Finally, people are starting to wake up to Chad Henne IIGS. He's an outdated model, folks. He simply doesn't have the hardware capabilities. Being inside his head must be like having the worst GPS system ever. "Scanning. Recalculating. Recalculating. ERROR! LOST SATELLITE RECEPTION! ERROR! FUCKING ERROR!" Now watch while it takes the Dolphins two more years to figure out the same exact thing.

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tough loss against the Falcons. You wonder if a "tough guy" like LaGarrette Blount will let such a crippling stuff on the one affect his fragile psyche. Maybe he starts to think that he's just not a clutch guy. Maybe he starts to question his masculinity and goes a little bit impotent. Maybe he ends up as a bum on the street with a limp dick. Meanwhile, Josh Freeman will be regularly fellated by Bill Simmons. Funny how those things work.

11. Indianapolis Colts

They're just too injured. I mean, Philly is good and everything, but you would think that Peyton could still take care of them almost single-handedly. You'd be wrong. Jeez, maybe this coaching thing is wearing too much on Peyton. Jon Gruden went on Mike and Mike in the Morning last week and basically admitted that Peyton ran the whole practice pretty much singlehandedly. So why are they paying Mike Caldwell again?

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Dog Murderer, Q.B. continues to dazzle the masses. Sure, it's great for Eagles fans that he's become a good quarterback. Good for them. How did it happen? I think that the answer is obvious—prison makes QBs better. It just does. Let's lock up Brady Quinn, Jimmy Clausen, Matt Moore, Alex Smith, Jon Kitna, Chad Henne, and all of the rest of the shitty QBs in the league. They'll get those QB ratings into the triple digits in no time. What could they do (short of dogfighting) to go to jail and get out in a year or so? I guess they could just round all of these guys up, give them guns, and force them to wave them around near cops in NYC. They'd all be picked up in no time, AND they could work out with Plaxico at Attica. It's win-win! The scary thing is there are probably fans from ten teams that would seriously consider this proposition. Scary.

9. Green Bay Packers

McCartman's grand plan was obviously to get Wade Phillips fired. That must have been what he was gearing this season up for. They have a bye this week, so I think he's concocting a pret-eh lit-ul scheme in his spare time. I am eagerly anticipating the conclusion to The Coon trilogy tomorrow night. It should be good—maybe even Imaginationland good. If it sucks, disregard this paragraph.

8. Atlanta Falcons

They're solid, but far from invincible. Kind of a boring team, really. They have maybe the most boring white guy in the league at QB, a methodical, plodding running back in Michael Turner, and a coach named "Mike Smith." Maybe that's not even his real name—he just adopted it because it matched the team's personality. It's kind of like "Robert Paulson" in Fight Club. "His name was Mike Smith." Actually, that would make him too interesting—never could happen.

7. New England Patriots

This is what you get, Patriots! Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you trade Randy Moss? Do you see what happens? <Grabs baseball bat and walks to Tom Brady's Audi> DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, PATRIOTS!?! DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK RANDY MOSS IN THE ASS?!? <Hits Headlight> WHERE'S THE FUCKING VICTORY, BRADY?!? YOU ARE ENTERING A WORLD OF PAIN!

6. Tennessee Titans

Sorry fellas, you lose just by virtue of not having played last week. Let's see what Moss can do this week. I think they have it at Miami this week, but if they lose, they're pretty much fucked in terms of the playoffs. Oh well, then Jeff Fisher can focus on the holiday car-buying rush. Maybe he can get some of those big red bows from Lexus that he can put on cars. And yes, I realize that bow thing is totally fucking obnoxious. It just seems like something Fisher would do.

5. New Orleans Saints

What a fucking gift. Playing the Panthers right now is better than a bye week—it's just a free win, and your backups can get some garbage time minutes against inferior competition (the Panthers' starters), so it boosts their confidence. Now they get their bye, and Reggie might be coming back after the break, so they could be in good shape to get a first round bye. Payton, you magnificent bastard, you just might do it again!

4. New York Jets

It wasn't pretty against the Lions. Shit, you needed that fat fuck to miss that extra point to win. That's…scary. Also scary—the fact that Ndam Suh may actually weigh more than Rex Ryan. <Shudder> Disgusting. But hey, they got the win, right? That's really all that matters. I'm just wondering if they have what it takes to win a Super Bowl. At some point they're going to catch a team in the playoffs that defends well against the run (looking at you, Pittsburgh and Baltimore), and that can just absolutely devastate their offense. It will be interesting to watch.

3. Baltimore Ravens

It's amazing that this team is so polarizing. It all comes down to one thing—do you think Joe Flacco can continue to hit that $15.00 right on the nose when he's pumping gas? Even in the playoffs? You know, maybe his hands get a little slippery, maybe the automatic pump…thing…gets stuck—there are all kinds of things that could go terribly, terribly wrong. Then he'll just be stuck at Assistant Manager, and John Harbaugh will be left to decide whether or not he's really "management material." It's not just Flacco, either. Ray Rice and Anquan have been known to disappear at times, too. I would not want to be the one that picks the wrong week in the playoffs to not show up and then has to deal with Ray Lewis in the locker room afterward. Ugh.

2. New York Giants

Thank you, crazy Giants defensive line! Man, Hakeem Nicks is a hell of a player, right? Where do they dig these guys up? Fucking crazy. They are clearly the class of the NFC right now. I'll admit it, I thought that Tom Coughlin's bullshit was wearing thin on them, but it's still pretty thick. Can't even see his nipples through it. Fucking tease.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

That game last night got a little bit hairy. Mike Tomlin is one cool cat, though. He never looked like anything was bothering him—he was totally in control. I guess when you have to literally babysit your QB every time you go on the road, a football game doesn't seem that bad, does it? I mean, you can't even trust the guy to order room service or go to the john. Literally. It's like having the sluttiest teenage daughter ever, only instead of getting knocked up, Ben could go to jail for this shit. I don't know—they don't have too many options left. Maybe they should just keep him on one of those guerneys like Hannibal Lecter at this point. Maybe he should dress a little better or lose some weight—I mean, Jack Kennedy does the same thing and is considered "charming," but Ben does it and he gets hung out to dry. What a fucking double-standard. Maybe get him some hairplugs and get him talking with a Boston accent. Make him watch The Departed a few hundred times—he'll pick it up. On second thought, I still wouldn't trust him. "I, err, uh, need a err, uh sandwich, Coach. I am as, errr…uh…hungry as a cahcksuckah ovahhh, err…uh…heeya." "Oh, OK Ben, why don't you just call—HEY WAIT A MINUTE, BITCH I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'! NUH-UH!" <SLAP> "DOES COACH TOMLIN LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BITCH?!?" Long story short—it's risky to pick Pittsburgh to cover on the road. Buyer beware.

Questions? Comments? Wondering if I've actually seen The Departed over a hundred times? (It's close). E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Friday, November 05, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 9

As a Rams fan, I don't really want to talk about the whole Randy Moss fiasco. It's like being a kid on Christmas when you think you're going to finally get that PowerWheels car that you've been asking your parents for for years and years. Shit, in this case, it's like you were counting on using that fucking PowerWheels to get to and from school. Then when you unwrap it, it's a PowerWheels box filled with shit, and your old man tells you, "Merry Christmas. Get a fucking job." Thanks a lot, Spags and Billy Devaney! More on this later. Onto the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

It was not a pretty sight at the Edward Jones Dome last weekend. The Rams made Matt Moore look like…uh…Jimmy Clausen? Especially without DeAngelo Williams, they totally looked lost out there. I mean, really John Fox, this is fucking embarrassing. Why is this guy going to be a big-time coaching candidate again? He made a Super Bowl like 8 years ago. So did Jim Fassel, and now he's coaching in the fucking UFL. Is this what Ken Wisenhunt has to look forward to in 2016? Because after watching that debacle last week in person, he's not even qualified to be Fassel's Defensive Coordinator on the fucking Las Vegas Locomotives.

31. Arizona Cardinals

Boy, this one went sour in a hurry, didn't it? Maybe next time you should put it back in the fridge, Wisenhunt, eh ol' buddy? Max Hall is a disaster. You know it's bad when every pundit is saying (of Derek Anderson, mind you) "At least he's a professional quarterback." Even though these pundits are saying this as though it's fact, which I'm not sure it is, the obvious implication is that Max Hall isn't a "professional quarterback," which is obviously true. I'm not sure, though, that Matt Leinart is a "professional quarterback," either. Which begs the question, WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR PLAN AT QUARTERBACK THIS YEAR, YOU DUMB BASTARD!?!

30. Dallas Cowboys

That this team can even get this high in the rankings is a testament to how incredibly awful the other two teams below them are. I don't think John Kitna has ever been the answer to anything, other than the question, "who is your team's shitty backup QB again?" I don't know what can be said about this team that hasn't been said, other than somebody please fire Wade Phillips already. Seriously, he might try to hurt himself soon if you don't. He looked really, really beaten up after this latest ass-kicking at the hands of the Jags. Keep all sharp objects, belts, pills, whatever—just keep it all away from Wade Phillips.

29. Buffalo Bills

They're probably better than this—much better. Well, maybe not "much." Maybe I overstated things a bit. At any rate, they took a second playoff team to OT last week. Never mind that they pussed out on a 55-yard field goal try to win the game. Never mind that Chan Gailey's offense is stupid and simplistic. Those are coaching issues, easily fixable with the right GM in charge. Still, you have to admire the fight in these guys. They would be right in the thick of things in either West division.

28. Denver Broncos

I guess getting in on Thursday night worked well for you, eh Broncos? Fucking Josh McDaniels, he thinks he's so fucking smart. What the fuck is going on with this team? They look completely lost out there. It's not Kyle Orton. It's not Tebow. Although at this point, maybe you just make Tebow the starting running back. It couldn't be any worse than your "running game" now, and then you wouldn't even have to worry about his throwing motion. Just a thought.

27. San Francisco 49ers

What did I say last week? Goddamn. If I was a head coach, I'd ALWAYS have my team travel on like Wednesday at the latest. You just need time to get acclimated to being off the plane and whatnot. James Laurinaitis was on sports talk radio today saying how all of the Rams' players are starting to wear like full lower-body compression leggings when they travel because they swell up so much on the flight. Aside from the obvious questions I have about steroids, if this is such a big issue, is it really that big of a deal for a team to spend an extra day or two in the city before a game so that shit like this doesn't make a difference? Even Mike Singletary seems to realize this. Of course, now watch him start flying his team in the morning of game day for the rest of the year. Dumbass. By the way, looks like Troy Smith is going to go the Willie Beamon route on us. To which I say, "why the fuck not?" Alex Smith and David Carr haven't really shown anything this year. Give him a chance. After they play the Rams next week, of course.

26. Minnesota Vikings

My God Brad Childress is an awful head coach. Aw, poor baby can't stand when his star wideout (for whom he just gave up a third round pick a month ago) talks about his old team and makes fun of the food the team is serving. That's another thing—when Randy Moss makes cracks about the food, he's crucified for it. When Al Czervik does it in Caddyshack, laughs all around! What's the fucking difference? That this is a "Mom and Pop" operation Moss was bitching about? How the fuck is Moss supposed to know? And what does it matter, really? If it was the Olive Garden, would this be an issue? So it was kind of an ass move to make a big deal out of it, I'll give you that, but I mean, maybe the food was shitty, and he thought he could bond with his teammates over it. Sounds like a bunch of humorless assholes to me. And Mike and Mike in the Morning really got me on this one. They made the point, "well what if it was your wife's cooking that someone insulted?" Uh, these are "professional chefs," Mike and Mike, not "your wife." I find it interesting that you can belittle one "professional" with the perceived "lack of effort" that you see from him (Moss), while he is apparently not allowed to criticize another professional for their perceived lack of effort (in making what he perceived to be horrible food). And before you bring up the manner in which the criticisms are made, you guys also have plenty of talking heads on your network that are very loud and outspoken and make a huge deal about how certain players are playing poorly, so don't get too smug on that front. If anything, all that this bitching by the media has done is make me never want to eat at that fucking restaurant in Minnesota, so way to give them negative publicity. Oh, and now the Vikings are even shittier. Let's move on.

25. Cincinnati Bengals

Ugh. I mean, the Dolphins are good and everything, but ugh. What a fucking fiasco. Marvin Lewis has to come up with a solution for the quarterback problem that doesn't involve a Palmer. I think they're the worst team in their division. Even worse than the…

24. Cleveland Browns

Beating the Saints at New Orleans going into your bye will get you a decent amount of goodwill in this corner of cyberspace, Mangini. Unfortunately, not enough to keep from dropping a spot in the rankings. I can't believe that there's even a discussion regarding who should be the starting quarterback for this team—clearly it's Colt McCoy. Never content to leave well enough alone, though, Mangini apparently intends to go back to Jake Delhomme when he's healthy. Hmm…sounds like someone is getting sick of his job. You know you can just quit, right Mangini? You can just walk away—you don't have to totally fuck this team over on your way out. You know that, right? Just making sure.

23. Chicago Bears

Be careful, Bears. Everyone I know is picking the Bills in this one. Everyone. Me, G Gel Unit, JSugar, my grandma, your grandmas—it's pretty much over. By the way, does anyone know if anyone in the media thinks that Jay Cutler is the next Jeff George? Let's move on…

22. Detroit Lions

Did you guys send a thank you card to Mike Shanahan and D-Mac yet? Rex Grossman, too—he deserves it. That game was totally gift wrapped for you by those three individuals. And yes, I realize that Matt Stafford threw four TDs last week. So fucking what? I'm from Missouri—show me something for real this time. Then I'll start to buy the hype.

21. Washington Redskins

They go here because I think 6 times out of 10 they win that game against the Lions, but they aren't that much better than the Lions. Especially if D Mac is out of shape. Looks like T.O. might have been right, eh naysayers? I don't know if Shanahan did it to make a point, or because McNabb was hurt, or tired, or what. All I know is that the talking heads all say "there's more to this behind the scenes than we're hearing." I just hope it's not as bad as the last time we heard "there's more to this behind the scenes than we're hearing," which is when Delonte West banged LeBron's mom in the locker room during the playoffs and got caught (allegedly). Although I'm not quite sure what the equivalent would be in this instance. I just think that D Mac is a really "nice" guy who really doesn't care that much. That's it. Granted, to a normal football player, that's a pretty big insult, but he doesn't seem to mind, so fuck him. You know things are getting bad when your team brings JaMarcus Russel and J.P. Losman in for anything other than scrubbing toilets.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars

I did a little research on this bunch. The only above-average team that they've beat all season was the Colts at home—and they barely eeked that one out. They also have beaten the Broncos, Bills, and Cowboys. Not exactly murderer's row. They still have at Giants, at Colts, at Titans, and two against the Texans. They also have vs. Cleveland and Washington. The Raiders will be a bit of a wild card for them, though I fully expect Oakland to win. I certainly don't expect David Garrard to duplicate his performance from last week again until two years from now, when he's playing for…you guessed it: Jim Fassel and the Las Vegas Locomotives.

19. San Diego Chargers

I don't get how they pulled one out against the Titans. Everyone thinks that they're going to "make their run" now, but they don't have just the easiest schedule down the stretch. I don't think Norv has any more magic tricks left up his sleeve. He's like some pathetic middle-aged boyfriend of a cougar who tries to "dazzle" his date's kids with the quarter-behind-the-ear trick like 8 times in a row. At some point, they want to see a new trick. (As an aside, how many times have I used the word "pathetic" to describe Norv Turner so far this year? I'm too lazy to go back and check, but it has to be a lot. Fucking Norv Turner. Maybe if he didn't always seem like a cuckolded husband or pathetic divorcee and/or virgin, I wouldn't have to be so fucking harsh. Oh well…)

18. Seattle Seahawks

Boy oh boy, the Raiders really bloodied them up a bit last week. It doesn't get any easier this week when the Giants come to town. If you all hadn't noticed yet, the Giants have a bit of a reputation for headhunting QBs this year. Hasselbeck had his bell rung a bit last week, so he might miss out. For his sake, I hope he does. If not, he'll have Justin Tuck standing over his twitching body, yelling at him, "Game over, bitch!"

17. St. Louis Rams

They took care of business against a clearly inferior team last week, which is a step in the right direction. I mean, when was the last time anyone could say that about the Rams? 2006? That's a plus. The only problem was that Bradford had to be just about perfect to do so, and they still only beat the Panthers by ten. I'm also curious about what turned them off to Randy Moss. It seems like the front office is a little scared. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? This guy could be wearing water wings and one of those duck buoys like Plucky from Tiny Toons (whenever Plucky went swimming), and screaming an incomprehensible combination of bible verses and curse words 24-hours a day for all I care—as long as he still does it during a 64 yard touchdown catch, I don't think the team would have a problem. The league, maybe, but not the team. No, the only two ways that he really could have "ruined" this team would have been (1) he puts on 100 pounds over the next eight weeks and trains with Freddy Roach. Toward the end of the year, he calls out Bradford in practice and challenges him to a boxing match and just beats the ever-loving shit out of him; or (2) he sneaks into Bradford's room on the road while Bradford's asleep, throws a pillow case over his right elbow, and starts hitting it with a hammer. Short of that, what could he do that would be so terrible? Bitch at Bradford? I think Bradford already has earned the right (and maybe more importantly has the wherewithal) to bitch right back at him. It just seems like the front office is playing scared on this one. If I've learned one thing through the years, it's that you never win playing scared.

16. Oakland Raiders

This is suddenly an intriguing team. Really intriguing. I don't know how they blew out both Denver and Seattle in consecutive weeks. Oh wait, that's right, they're both fucking shitty. Well, still, impressive wins, fellas. Keep it up.

15. Houston Texans

That was not a pretty game on Monday night. Just terrible for Schaub. I mean, every year, they either start fast and end slow or start slow and end fast. Mind your pace, Kubiak. Although what good would that be for them? They would just go "Win-Loss-Win-Loss-Win-Loss…" on their way to 8-8? Do they think that somehow Kubiak is going to become a better-than-average coach one season, all-of-a-sudden? Uh, not in this division. It reminds me of when the Chiefs went 8-8 for like 5 years in a row in the 90s—at some point, you need to either get better or you get stuck in limbo, drafting in the middle of the first round, never doing well enough to go far in the playoffs. Pretty soon, you gotta scrap this one if you're them. Just shove it in the ol' garbage can. Go ahead. No one's watching. I'll even be the lookout for you.

14. Kansas City Chiefs

They're getting a little too much love for the "surprise team of the year" this week from the people that are starting to hand out midseason awards. I mean, they had to go to OT to beat the Bills last week, right? Am I missing something here? How was Todd Haley being called every name in the book last year by his players, and now is one of the "up-and-coming" coaches in the league? It's amazing what two former Belichick assistants and his former GM can do for you, eh Toddy boy?

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Let's just say that when you barely beat the Cardinals by 3, you aren't going to inspire a lot of confidence in me. The Sports Guy has a huge hard on for Josh Freeman. Enormous. Well, at least as big as it gets for him. Okay, semi-respectable. At best. And that's on like 3 Viagra. Let's see what they do this week against the Falcons before we anoint them King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

12. Green Bay Panthers

Hey now, McCartman! That was some game you all pulled out, wasn't it? I just heard a replay of him on Mike and Mike on my way home. All he could say was, "You guys! Seriously! You guys! You Guys! Seriously! Yoooouuuu Guuuuyyyys!" Seriously, though, you guys, I think this season of South Park has been pretty solid so far, right? This current (three?)-parter is pretty fucking fantastic. Though it is troubling why an NFL head coach would go around with Cthulu, dressed as a weird Raccoon-Human Hybrid, but hey, whatever floats your boat, big Mike. After that staunch victory last week, they get a gift-wrapped "W" this week against Dallas. If they go 6-3, does another team in that sorry division have a shot at catching them? That's what I thought.

11. Philadelphia Eagles

They got to nurse their wounds a little bit last week on the bye. Anybody think Andy Reid rounded up the old family and took them out for a nice couple day vacation? You know, maybe a camping trip or a nice excursion to Disney World? Me neither. Although that is a pretty hilarious image—Andy Reid, with hilariously fat shorts, the way-too-expensive-for-the-pictures he's taking camera on the camera strap around his neck, the long white socks pulled all the way up while wearing a pair of golf sandals, and the fucking mouse ear hat on, guiding his wife, who he probably hasn't seen in weeks, and his two junky sons through the Magic Kingdom. He'd be barking orders, and at least one person in the group would always be thinking "man, I just want to get high"—and then there's what his sons would be thinking! High comedy!

10. Atlanta Falcons

Another bye week team. Jesus, how many fucking teams were on a bye last week? Ridiculous. And if they go to 18 games, we have to endure this shit twice a year? Ugh. I don't know what to think of this team. Michael Turner has to break down one of these days, doesn't he? He just is not this healthy. Jesus, now it sounds like I'm making him out to be some kind of old man or something. Actually, his "true age" is probably like 50, which makes what he's doing even more impressive.

9. Miami Dolphins

4-0 on the road, 0-3 at home. You know what that means—these guys need some strange road trim in order to play well the next day. Miamians, for the love of your team, please tell the Dolphins' wives to fuck off the night before a home game, ok? You'll be doing the team a huge favor. Except for Chad Henne—the scientists still haven't ever taught him how to love.

8. Baltimore Ravens

What did these guys do last week? Oh yeah, that's right, ANOTHER FUCKING BYE!!! Christ. I don't even know what to say any more. I guess I could go with another gas station analogy for Flacco. Ugh. How fucking tedious. Blah, blah, blah, he's pumping gas well, blah, blah, blah, where is Ray Rice?, blah, blah, blah, crazy old Ray Lewis…need I go on?

7. New York Giants

G Gel Unit and I had a fun time this week discussing what fucking nuts the Giants' D-Line must be. I mean, they're all total headhunters, and absolutely love to knock guys out. Aside from Justin Tuck's "Game Over, Bitch!" while standing over the QB, we imagined that Jason Pierre-Paul just does all kinds of crazy backflips and spin moves while yelling out, "A button! X button! Trigger!" These guys apparently found Spags' defense from two years ago again. It's like the fucking Ark of the Covenant for them. Or maybe it's just that Osi Umenyora is healthy again. I prefer to go with the crazy scenario and Ark of the Covenant idea, but hey, whatever you want to think, Giants fans.

6. New York Jets

Fucking embarrassing, Rex Ryan. Just pathetic. And you lost to the Packers last week! Hey-oh! Too bad McCartman re-discovered the way to beat you: take away the running game and force Sanchez to make plays. Oops. There it goes again. Me and my big fucking mouth. Oh well.

5. Indianapolis Colts

Manning, at home, at night, against the Texans—should've seen this one coming. Hopefully they cleared out the Texans' bandwagon with that one. Unfortunately, no one else seems to remember how fucked they are on the injury front. Everyone thinks either 1) this new tight end is great, or 2) Dallas Clark is overrated. Guess what? You're all wrong! The correct answer is that this tight end had no tape on him before, so teams were not game planning for him. Once teams account for him, then he'll be forgotten more quickly than the oil spill in the gulf. And yes, I AM to lazy to look up the guy's name. Fuck him—he's just some dumb meathead anyway.

4. New Orleans Saints

Gutsy, lucky win against the Steelers, Saints. Though it did finally look like they belonged on the same field as an elite team. I think they have to be the best team in a weak NFC right now because they've done it before. Maybe with Reggie coming back they can step up and knock some fucking heads around. Now watch them lay down at Carolina this week faster than Heath Ledger.

3. Tennessee Titans

What a coup! I guess someone's buying the undercoat, eh Jeff Fisher?!? Which one of your sales guys gets the trip to Hawaii? Huh? You can tell me. I think it's amazing that the first thing Chris Johnson said after the Titans got Moss was "Gonna get that safety outta the box now!" Uh oh. This does not bode well for other teams in the AFC South. Christ, and they even have a bye this week to bring Moss fully up to speed. And I bet these guys would laugh if he criticized the food—shit, he might even start a good-natured, team-bonding food fight! The one thing I worry about is that Vince Young might actually be too dumb to realize that he needs to throw the "Hail Randy" a couple of times a game. Although even Daunte Culpepper learned how to do that. And you know where he is now? You guessed it…Quarterbacking for Jim Fassel on the Las Vegas Locomotives. (Well, not exactly. Apparently he plays for a team called the "Sacramento Mountain Lions." It's never a good sign when your league's team names sound like some asshole teenager came up with them while using Madden's "Create-a-Team" feature. Also, did you realize that they televise the UFL on HDNet? I know, pretty awesome, right? At least it's funny to watch the QBs, nearly all of which are former NFL guys. OK, I'll shut up about the fucking UFL already! Goddamn, fucking spoil sport!)

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

Thanks a lot, Heath Miller! What a fucking asshole! Does everyone see this fucking asshole?!? What a fucking asshole! It's not panic time yet, Steel City, as you get a lay up against the Bengals this week. If they somehow lose that one, though, they play the Pats on Monday Night, so this thing could turn ugly in a hurry. If they win both, then maybe Ben will go out and celebrate the only way he knows how—trying to force himself on an unwilling woman while riding a motorcycle without his helmet on. (Almost forgot about the motorcycle thing, didn't you? It's pretty amazing when "barely surviving a motorcycle crash while not wearing a helmet" is the third stupidest thing that has ever been publicized about someone).

1. New England Patriots

I find it funny that one of the reasons Moss gave for being upset was that the other Vikings wouldn't listen to him when he was trying to sell out the Pats and all of their plays. Well, look what it got you, Vikings? Maybe you should have listened to ole' coach Moss instead of Coach Walter White, eh Vikings? The bottom line is that your sad devotion to that ancient child molester didn't give you the foresight to see that Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis run, nor the clairvoyance to…oh, goddamn it, I'm slipping back into Star Wars lines again. By the way, in that scene where that lower-down is bitching out Vader about his "sad devotion to that ancient religion," he does realize that he's making fun of the guy in charge, too, right? Also, I was thinking about it, do you think that after the Empire fell, they created holidays for some of the big events in the movies? Sort of like our 4th of July, only it would be called "Wedge Antilles Day" or whatever? Would they celebrate "Luke Skywalker's Birthday (observed)" or "Alderaan Day?" Makes you think a bit…okay, ow, stop it. Seriously, don't fucking hit me again, or I'll…FUCK! OW! IT HURTS! MOMMY! MOOMMMMMMYYYYY!!!!

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