Holiday weekend? Three games already played? Not much time on a Saturday to get these done? Fuck it! On to the rankings…
32. Carolina Panthers
It really was unfair for the Ravens to play these guys last week. It was like watching an SEC team play a Big Ten team—they were just absolutely outclassed in every way. What is mind-boggling is that Brian St. Pierre is starting again this week, but the Panthers are only getting 10 against the Browns. Are you shitting me? Just keep giving away that money, Vegas! The only games I can think of where they beat the spread were against San Fran (won outright) and that weird game against the Saints where they hung with them and only lost by 3. So technically, they're doing better against the spread than they are in the standings. Fuck that. They're terrible.
31. Arizona Cardinals
Who's driving this boat again? You have two guys that don't even want to touch that wheel (Wisenhunt and Derek Anderson), and one guy that's been declared legally incompetent (Max Hall). Larry Fitzgerald would love to drive, but he's out on deck. Larry Fitzgerald wouldn't demand a trade this off-season, would he? Hmm…
30. Cincinnati Bengals
I really hope that Cincinnati just enjoys all of the reality TV shows and celebrity bullshit, because that's all they're getting this year from their $15 million investment in wideouts. Of course, they're burning another $12 million at the quarterback position. It'll be interesting to see if they stick with Palmer one year too late. Who will be available in the 2012 draft? Gabbert? Matt Barclay? Some other mercenary like Cam Newton that comes out of nowhere from a Juco and ultimately costs his school a championship five years after the fact? At this point, you kind of have to let Marvin finish out the year, unfortunately, which probably makes things hell for the players. How can you listen to a lame-duck guy that'll be gone at the end of the year? How many times has Marvin Lewis heard "fuck off" from a player in the past few weeks?
29. Detroit Lions
Goddamn, it was like they were just hosting a clinic for Tom Brady this week. Ridiculous. I've never seen such a shitty group of corners. And is there any doubt who the MVP of this team is anymore? Since Jahvid Best went down with that toe injury, they've gone from being "Best Shitty Team in the League" to "Shitty Team in the League." They even have their best QB out there and everything. And though Larry Fitzgerald has proven that wideouts can't do all of it themselves, shouldn't Megatron be doing a bit more if he really is as awesome as everyone says? Just a thought.
28. Minnesota Vikings
RIP Brad Childress. I couldn't believe what I heard on ESPN this week. After detailing the various problems Childress had with the Vikings, some bullshit talking head said, "But he's going to get another chance to coach in this league, and he'll probably be successful." Uh, what the fuck? Bitch, you cookin'? Now granted, Buffalo or some other Podunk shithole will probably give him another chance, but is there anything on his record that would lead you to believe that he's a good coach? Oh, he made the NFC Championship Game last year. But Mike Martz made a Super Bowl and no one has given him a second chance. And if I had a choice between Mike Martz and Brad Childress as my head coach, I'd go with Martz every day and twice on…err…Sundays. Fuck that guy. Will they get the post-coach-firing bump this week against a mediocre Redskins team? We'll see…
27. San Francisco 49ers
Goddamn the Bucs just came in and popped you bitches in the face, didn't they? Singletary had that stunned, Norv Turner look on his face. To be fair, though, he really has had that same look since he started coaching this team. I think they should be satisfied that his single contribution to the team has been turning Vernon Davis into a good football player and should just move on from there. Fuck this team.
26. Buffalo Bills
Poor Buffalo. I mean, yes, wins are nice and everything, but they're totally fucking up the draft. I bet you guys thought you were penciled in for Andrew Luck, right? Now you'll be "lucky" to get Jake Locker. Ugh. That's the pick that would set this team back five years, so it's probably the pick they'll make. Sorry, Buffalo…
25. Dallas Cowboys
They are getting "friskier," if you can say that about a football team. Still, old Jason Garrett ran out of the magic dust this week. And that's not a metaphor for anything—I think he has probably been living off drugs for weeks now, and simply ran out. He's pulling one hell of a snow job on Dallas (pardon the pun). What's his ceiling as a head coach? I don't think he's a Super Bowl winner. Maybe he makes an NFC Championship Game with them? Shit, for Dallas and Romo, that's basically like winning a Super Bowl at this point.
24. Cleveland Browns
This is probably too high, considering that "Cleveland Browns to start Jake Delhomme" was a news item this week. Still, they're on the "second bye" against the Panthers, and Delhomme obviously has something to prove, so they'll still likely cover. Although, Delhomme is a bit of a choke artist. Fuck, I forgot that. And I can throw a better ball than him right now. WHY AM I TALKING MYSELF INTO THE PANTHERS WINNING THIS ONE?!? THE BROWNS WILL WIN BY 17 NO MATTER WHO'S PLAYING QB!!! OVERTHINK ALERT! Let's move on…
23. Houston Texans
They couldn't beat a piñata right now. Actually, maybe that's what Kubiak spends all of his time on in practice now instead of, you know, drills and plays and stuff. Shit, he probably just throws big Mexican parties every week with mariachi guys, margaritas, Dos Equis, and, of course, lots of piñatas to prove to his players that, damn it, they can fucking beat something! He probably invites the owner, too—HOW THE FUCK ELSE COULD HE KEEP HIS JOB!?!? It has to look bad, though, when Matt Schaub looks like he has a chance to bust one of the fuckers open, but he waves the stick around helplessly like Brendan Ryan flailing at a curveball and comes up empty. I know you like your Mexican parties, Texans, but isn't there a better way to run a team?
22. Denver Broncos
Meanwhile, Josh McDaniels is just throwing a non-stop frat rager in Denver. How else could you explain that horrific showing against the Chargers? Does anyone else think that the "Kyle Orton is a great young QB" talk was a bit premature? I mean, shit, at this point, wouldn't you want to see what Tebow could do? He was a first round pick, right?
21. Washington Redskins
They were lucky that Vince Young finally remembered that he is a borderline Ward of the State again this week. How does a team with no running back, half a quarterback, and maybe collectively 1 ½ wideouts get to .500? Especially in this division? Unbelievable.
20. St. Louis Rams
A SHOVEL PASS?!? A FUCKING SHOVEL PASS??!? ON THE TWO FUCKING YARD LINE?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!? Yes, I realize that it's a young team. And yes, I also realize that they've surpassed pretty much all expectations already this season. Still, they could've easily won a couple of these losses and be 6-4 right now, leading the division. Instead, we just get "almost there," then nothing. 6-10 would be fine with me right now. Hopefully they can go into Denver this week and prove they can win on the road.
19. Tennessee Titans
Goodbye, Vince Young! I mean, I know I joke around about how stupid this guy is all the time, but I mean, did any of us really expect this to happen? Who do you think you are, the Ultimate Warrior? I wouldn't bet on Vince being back with the team. I think the car salesman can talk this owner into anything. He already pulled the old Clark Griswold switcharoo on the owner. Go ahead. Click on the link. You'll be pleasantly surprised. And yes, that was the only way I could find the clip. Oh well…
18. Oakland Raiders
Ouch. What the fuck is with this team? Obviously, when they throw, they're just awful. I don't know if Darren McFadden is going to be a perennial Pro Bowler or anything, but he's a goddamn workhorse. You ride him until he breaks down, much like the Rams have done. You don't want Jason Campbell or Bruce Gradkowski putting the game into their hands. They're like the anti-Allstate. Still, in that division, anyone has a chance…
17. Seattle Seahawks
Fuck this team. What zany motivational tactic will Pete Carroll use to "fire them up" this week? Maybe he's planning on lighting Charlie Whitehurst on fire (and then he'll move on to his motivational trick. Zing!), then put a sheet over him and snaps his fingers and—VOILA! He disappeared. Then, poof of smoke, Charlie's back, unharmed! Actually, maybe Pete Carroll should just switch it up and become a celebrity illusionist. That would be hilarious—let him headline the "new" Tropicana in Vegas, five shows a week. High comedy.
16. Miami Dolphins
Eee—old Taylor Thigpen, not so good, eh? That's the bad part about doing these things after the Thursday night game—I have nothing new to say about the Dolphins. Let's move on…
15. Kansas City Chiefs
The first of the "Good Bad Teams." Matt Cassell is kind of an enigma. By "enigma" I mean "a bad quarterback." Sure, they beat Arizona this past week, but we'll see if they can go into Seattle and do the same. Hopefully they can—that would be nice. If they beat the Hags and the Rams can somehow beat Denver, then who knows…
14. Chicago Bears
13. Jacksonville Jaguars
I am going to keep pairing these shitty teams with good records together until one of them distinguishes themselves. I think Jacksonville is one of the more interesting gambling teams in the league. They're always within 3 or 4 points, right? Of course, this week they're getting 7 at the Giants. That's not a bad little bet, there. Not bad at all. Meanwhile, Chicago has Philly at home. Hopefully Philly exposes these guys for the frauds that they are. If somehow Chicago wins this game, they're going top ten next week. You can bank on that one.
12. New York Giants
Their top two wideouts are out this week. They just benched their starting running back for fumbling too much. Their new starting running back almost killed their quarterback in the preseason. Eli is, well, Eli. They probably should've lost that game against the Eagles by at least 21 points. And they're still giving 7 to the Jags this weekend. Gotta love Vegas!
11. New Orleans Saints
That game against the Cowboys didn't exactly inspire a lot of confidence in these guys. I mean, if a shitty team like that can take them to the mat, what if they catch a bad week in the first two weeks of the playoffs? Drew Brees is trying admirably to salvage this thing, but Reggie looks like a saboteur out there right now, and none of the wideouts are really stepping up. Plus, there are all of the…err…"distractions" that come with playing in New Orleans. I dunno. We'll see how they hold up down the stretch.
10. Indianapolis Colts
That's a tough one to lose against the Pats, Peyton. By the way, he really had his first "what the fuck?" moment in a regular season game, didn't he? Are we watching him start to slip a little? Next thing you know, he'll be calling everyone "Billy" and insisting that the people from the home are stealing all of his shit. Once that happens, how long is it going to take to turn this thing around again? People forget just how shitty the Colts were for years and years before Peyton got there, and there's clearly no team that's geared around a single player more so than the Colts. It's like ripping the brain and spine out of that team, Sub Zero style. And yes, I'm trying to think of a way to liken Mike Caldwell to a headless, spineless corpse, but I really think the image kind of speaks for itself. He even kind of looks like Kano in that video. (Speaking of Sub Zero, if you have 3:30, this is a pretty cool little youtube video. Don't tell me you don't enjoy it…).
9. Tampa Bay Buccanneers
Nice little hatchet job on the Niners last week, Jaaash. Let's go into Bill Simmons mode for a second: "Look out Baltimore—hurricane Jaaash Freeman is coming into town! He's going to impregnate your wives and girlfriends like Tom Cruise in Cocktail! It's gonna be a 134 on the unintentional comedy scale, right behind Tom Cruise running at full speed in All the Right Moves. John Harbaugh will be making the Peyton Manning face for a week once Jaaash is done with him! Bucs 52, Ravens -13—I'll take the Bucs and the money line!" Trust me, listen to his NFL picks podcast once and you'll understand.
8. San Diego Chargers
Wow, that was a quick move up. I guess it doesn't hurt to get healthy and be firing on all cylinders. Unless, of course, you're talking about Yips Kaeding. I think they'd be better off just going for it every fourth down and going for two every time than trusting Kaeding not to piss himself with even a tangentially important kick. He probably cries when he has to hit an extra point to put them up by 7 instead of 6. Then that gets Rivers crying, and Norv really has a mess on his hands. HE ONLY HAS ONE BOTTLE, YOU FUCKING BABIES, SO UNLESS ONE OF YOU WANTS TO SUCK ON HIS SAGGY MAN-TIT, YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK!!! Ugh, you do, Nate? That's fucking disgusting.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers
Tough call in this slot, but I'm going with the Leash and the Gray Mamba. They still don't have a left tackle. That kind of shit might not matter against the Raiders, but it will against the Jets. I think Tomlin must've taken Roth for a nice long walk before that Raiders game, maybe took him to the park. Of course, unlike most male dog owners, he probably didn't try to use Roth to pick up chicks at the park, but still, it was nice to let the big guy out to get some exercise. See everyone? As Caesar Milan would say, a tired Roth is a good Roth.
6. Green Bay Packers
Thank God somebody embarrassed Childress. It was like McCartman thought Childress was Scott Tenormann or something. Yeesh. Just a really bad spanking. And you know Aaron Rodgers was loving every minute of it. I'd like to think that in that tearful embrace with Favre, Rodgers was just rattling off shit like, "Fuck you, you dirty old fuck. I finally drove the fucking stake through your cold, black heart. Sorry about your tiny dick, bro." That would be priceless! If he did that, give him the fucking Oscar right now!
5. Baltimore Ravens
Way to beat up on the fucking little guy, Baltimore. Jesus, can you imagine fucking Brian St. Pierre, good Catholic B.C. guy, showing up at his home stadium and just seeing the fucking Ravens defense across from him, carrying tire irons and fucking chains and shit to a fucking street fight? Jesus Christ. Maybe Tampa Bay can take them in their own building. Of course, it's equally likely that Josh Freeman will be on IR after this one. Yikes.
4. New York Jets
They're a very deceiving 9-2. They're the kind of 9-2 the Rams could be if like every break had gone their way this year. I guess they finally put away the #30 team this week by a couple of touchdowns, but every game has been so close for them where they barely escape with their asses intact. They're like the neighborhood lothario who goes around seducing other guys' wives and ends up barely slipping out of the upstairs window as the husbands "come home from business trips early" and "decide they just want to stay in and watch a movie." I mean, I can see Sanchez doing that, but Rex Ryan? [BLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH! BLLLLAAAAAAAHHHH! BLLAAAAAAAHHH! Oh God, oh God, I think that's BLAAAAAAAAAH! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]
3. Atlanta Falcons
Matty Ice is the real deal. Their line is pretty fucking good, too. In one of my earlier rankings, I wrote about how there was seemingly a lack of a "New Generation" of quarterbacks in the league. Well, apparently ESPN has provided us with our answer. Thinking about it, you could do worse than Ryan, Flacco, Sanchez, Freeman and Bradford. I do think Ryan and Bradford stand out a bit from that crew, and Freeman is probably right there with them, too. Unfortunately, ESPN's track record with these type of things isn't too great, as this (in hindsight hilarious) article can attest. With Roth, Eli, Romo, Cutler, and Rivers, they basically went 2-2-1, with Eli being the tie. That means that if they go three and two here, they'd be in good shape. What do I think it means? Obviously either Matt Ryan or Bradford is going to become a sexual assaulter. I mean, seriously, though, unless Joe Flacco has a lot of skeletons in his closet (and, I mean, really, he could—have you even ever heard the man give an interview? Me neither. He could be the Wilmington Strangler for all I know), this group of QBs seems to have their shit together more so than that group. Let's hope these guys end up being better than that last generation.
2. Philadelphia Eagles
They really should have won that game against the Giants by more. A lot more. I don't know why they buttoned things up so much in that game—they tried Hail DeSean maybe once, and I don't know if they ever tried Hail Jeremy. So what if they were playing like 3 safeties? YOUR RECEIVERS ARE FAR FASTER THAN ANY SAFETY IN THE LEAGUE! Meanwhile, for once Dog Killer didn't just look like a superhuman the whole game. It's the first chink in the armor. Which is good—if this team makes the Super Bowl, I would root against them pretty much no matter what. Even if they're up against the…
1. New England Patriots
To come back four days after a draining rivalry game and just put that ass-kicking on the Lions is goddamned impressive. Brady looks like he's finally all the way back from that knee surgery. Goddamnit—I hate the fucking Patriots, man. Fucking Belichick and Brady. How can they plug in Ben Jarvis Green Ellis and get rid of Moss and still just keep plugging along? It's like a gigantic Socialist experiment gone horribly right. Obama is probably studying their game tape right now, thinking to himself, "Hmm. How can we adopt this in this country?" And yes, I've turned all the way on Barry. If the Republicans run a halfway-capable, moderate candidate this time, say, someone that has a name that rhymes with "Ritt Momney," I'll vote for them in half a heartbeat. Yes we can? No, we're fucked.
Questions? Comments? Want less politics in your rankings? Fuck yourself. E-mail the BlogMogger team at firstname.lastname@example.org.