Saturday, December 18, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 15

What a week. I've been insanely busy, so if you're wondering why these are coming out on a Saturday, fuck yourself. On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Ugh. Just ugh. That wasn't even fair last week. Unfortunately, if you're a Panthers fan, your team might just hand Andrew Luck to the Bengals this week, as they're going against the Cardinals. I'm guessing you would prefer if they handed you a gun with one bullet right now. That way, you could kill John Fox. Or Jimmy Clausen.

31. Cincinnati Bengals

Because of the NFL's lovely territorial restrictions and the Rams late game last weekend, I had the pleasure of watching this team…err.."play" the Steelers last week. Carson Palmer really looks done. Just dead. At this point, UI think you have to let him sit on the sidelines for a year or two to get his shit together. I think by the end of the game, Pittsburgh was putting their wideouts out on defense so that they could get more practice reps catching the ball. Oh, wait, that was just Troy Polamalu. Oh well…

30. Denver Broncos

Tebow alert! Tebow alert! How does a team lose to the Cardinals by 30 fucking points? YOU PUT ERIC FUCKING STUDESVILLE IN CHARGE, THAT'S FUCKING HOW!!! I mean, at least he knows he's totally fucked and is taking one for the team by letting them see what Tebow can't can do this week at Oakland. They might be scraping him off of the floor of the Coliseum when it's all said and done, but at least then they'll know they have a FUCKING PUSSY. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? WHY WOULD GOD NEED A STARSHIP? DON'T YOU KNOW? AREN'T YOU GOD? I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!

29. Arizona Cardinals

I mean, really, by the thinnest of margins, and only because I basically have to put them above the Broncos. I don't know where this John Skelton kid came from, but let me tell ya', Cards fans, he's no Kurt Warner. Sorry to ruin the suspense. Although he did spread the ball around enough last week to make teams think "They aren't just totally incompetent and deplorable without any chance for redemption at the position." So that's a plus!

28. Washington Redskins

Hoo boy. Just when you think things can't get any more fucked up in Washington, Shanahan goes and does something like benching Donovan "McNap." (By the way, I was debating "McNap" vs. "McFlab" for hours last night and finally settled on McNap because BULLIES USED TO MAKE FUN OF MY WEIGHT AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT VERY MUCH!!!) I heard Shanahan's press conference on the radio last night, and it was fucking priceless. Shanahan talking about how he told McNap "Now, I'm going to be straight with you, I can't guarantee anything for next year, either. If there's a young Donovan McNabb or Sam Bradford in the draft next year, we're going to have to explore other opportunities." After I cleaned the jizz out of my pants at the mere mention of Sam Bradford's name, I surmised that Shanahan is trying to tank it to take either Andrew Luck or "Young McNap Clone" Cam Newton. Why else would you put Rex Grossman in a game, unless you really didn't like him as a person and wanted to humiliate him? The crazy part is, though Luck has an opportunity to be very good, I don't really think he's a "Sam Bradford"—his floor could be…say…Old Marc Bulger. Cam's ceiling is McNabb in his prime, but his floor is JaMarcus Russell. Tough call, Shanny. Tough call…

27. Detroit Lions

26. Buffalo Bills

It's pretty tough to pick the better team out of these two. The Lions beat an Aaron Rodgers-less Green Bay last week, while the Bills beat a Colt McCoy-less Browns last week—essentially the same team. I'll give the edge to the Bills because of their strength of schedule. Both of these teams could realistically use a QB in the first round next year, but they've been sucked into the Leinart zone. We'll see what they do—GODDAMN THIS DRAFT IS GOING TO BE SPICY!!!

25. Minnesota Vikings

Man, did anyone hear that Brett Favre broke his consecutive games-started streak last week? Me neither! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS OLD PERVERT ANY MORE, ESPN! Why prolong this guy's misery? Jesus, he already looks about ten years older than he is. At the rate he's going, five years from now he'll be eating from a tube and shitting in a bag. But enough about his lack of manners and common decency! Apparently now people are saying they're just going to abandon the Metrodome, which I guess is good—I'm all for anything that will get some combination of Jags/Chargers/Vikings out to L.A. so that the Rams can stay in St. Louis. I love the possible re-alignment scenarios, too. AFC South? Sure, why not? NFC North? Bring it on! It would be good to shake things up—things haven't been shaken up for a while now.

24. Tennessee Titans

Bill Simmons made a good point in his podcast this week—why score that meaningless touchdown at the end of the game last week unless Jeff Fisher is betting on his team? That was an insidious backdoor cover FOR NO REASON AT ALL! IT MADE NO SENSE! I find it unbelievable that Vince Young might actually force this asshole out. It's not like you're going up against Jimmy Carville in terms of political strategy here, car salesman. Good luck, sir.

23. San Francisco 49ers

That loss against the Chargers was reassuring—for a minute there, I was worried that the Niners were right and Alex Smith was "putting it all together" (not really). What a fucking stink-bomb. G Gel Unit will be in town to witness the Rams dismantling of them next weekend—should be fun. I am interested to see if Singletary looks as clueless in person as he does on the TV. If the Rams win this week, and the Seahags lose this week vs. Atlanta and next week at Tampa Bay, the Rams-Niners game could clinch the division. That would be fucking sweet.

22. Cleveland Browns

Because the Browns are so boring, I'm going to take this time to talk some Hot Stove. The big rumor this week is that the Cubs are clearing out payroll to make a run at Pujols next off-season. That's fine—if Pujols wants to go over to the dark side, I'll boo his ass doubly-hard if I ever attend a Cards game again…against the Cubs. G Gel Unit pointed out that in a survey among the GMs, they averaged Pujols' next contract at $26 million for 8 years. I ask them, "What was the high number?" Because, really, the average of a bunch of GMs numbers doesn't matter. If the Cubs or Angels come in at $30 million for 8 years? That would suck. I always hear people saying things like, "Well, if Pujols left, we'd have the money to spend on other things." Like what? John Mozeliak hasn't really proven anything to me yet. He'd probably sign marginal sixth, seventh, and eighth starters to $10 million per year deals. What a great time to be a Cards fan!

21. Houston Texans

What a way to summarize the Matt Schaub era in Houston: Tantalizingly close to a major victory, only to be picked-six in overtime. I think if this guy worked at McDonalds, he'd set the fries in the fryer, then watch the clock tick down, but when it got down to like 0:05, he'd pick out the basket of scalding hot fries and toss them at the manager (Gary Kubiak). Maybe they'll have a chance to see that scenario play out next year.

20. Dallas Cowboys

Too high? Maybe. All I know is that apparently Jerry Jones hates the Redskins more than any other team. You can be sure these guys are going to play their asses off for Jerry.

19. Seattle Seahawks

They certainly picked a good time to have the fucking wheels come off, eh? Pete Carroll has run out of tricks. He has been reduced to literally pulling rabbits out of his hat for the team's entertainment. Then he stops by a liquor store on the way home for the same bottle of gin, and dispassionately drinks it as he's being fucked by the same cheap hooker night after night. Anyone want to make Groundhog Day 2? It would just be 90 minutes of this on a loop. AND PEOPLE WOULD STILL SEE IT!

18. St. Louis Rams

They have to go here after that effort against the Saints. They keep hanging in there against good teams "but for" a bad play or two. That's great and all, but that separates the good teams from the mediocre. Now, don't get me wrong, they have done a great job this season. Spags and Bradford have them about a year ahead of schedule. Still, though, I'm not expecting any playoff miracles. Next year, they should be better, and two years from now, they should be a legit contender. Hmm…if only I had a time machine…I know, fuck me, I would definitely just use it for sports gambling purposes, but still…

17. Oakland Raiders

I got to see the end of this one last week after Palmer was done with that big shit he laid. What an ending! This team, like the Rams, is right there. Jacoby Ford is pretty awesome. He was also a fourth round pick. The Rams took Mardy "I am a dumb idiot" Gilyard instead. Fuck us.

(At this point, I ran out of time before Sunday. I apologize for the lack of merriment in your life that I have caused because of this. However, in the interest of completeness, here are the rest of the rankings without snarky comments. Ok, maybe just one-liners)

16. Miami Dolphins (Terrible QBs)

15. Green Bay Packers (no Aaron Rodgers)

14. Kansas City Chiefs (50% of Matt Cassell)

13. Tampa Bay Bucs (Running on fumes)

12. San Diego Chargers (Phil Rivers is damned good for a baby)

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (Still not sold)

10. Indianapolis Colts (No need to wake Jim Caldwell)

9. Chicago Bears (Also still not convinced)

8. New York Jets (Falling Rapidly)

7. New York Giants (Rising again—will be falling soon)

6. Baltimore Ravens (Not too impressive)

5. Pittsburgh Steelers (Somebody call the Humane Society—Ben is getting abused)

4. Philadelphia Eagles (Still scaring the shit out of me)

3. New Orleans Saints (Impressive…most impressive)

2. Atlanta Falcons (Eh.)

1. New England Patriots (So obvious—could it be any other?)

Questions? Comments? Wondering why the one-liners aren't that funny? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 14

G Gel Unit suggested that with the way these keep going up later and later, I’m doing a great Sports Guy impression.  I told him if I really was doing a Sports Guy impression, this would be a story about the NBA and the rankings would be in a sidebar with a one sentence description.  He told me to “fuck off,” and I told him to “go fuck himself.”  Onto the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

You had to tease us, didn’t you, Panthers?  I was quite excited when I saw that they were up 14 on the Seahags early.  I mean, at least half mast.  Then it all came crumbling down.  Thanks a lot, Clausen.  By the way, who are these assholes that are advocating “seeing what the Panthers have” with Clausen for another season, and foregoing the chance to pick Andrew Luck?  That is the kind of shit that gets teams like the Cardinals into trouble—seeing “what they have” with a quarterback that everyone else knows is shitty.  Other teams that may fall into this trap this off-season: the Bengals (Carson Palmer), Vikings (Tarvaris Jackson), Houston (Matt Schaub--yeah, I said it), Dolphins (Any of them), Seattle (Matt Hasselbeck), and Washington (D Mac).  I’d even throw in Buffalo with Fitzpatrick and even (gasp!) Detroit with Stafford.  If you have a chance to get a QB that’s better than yours, take it.  Always.  Think Green Bay is sorry they took Aaron Rodgers?  I didn’t think so…

31. Arizona Cardinals

And I thought I had seen the worst quarterbacks to ever play the game during their time here in St. Louis (Steve Walsh?  Tony Banks?  Steve Bono?  Late career Marc Bulger?  Chris Chandler?  Late career Trent Green?  Gus Frerotte?  Kyle Boller?  Keith Null?  YIKES!)  I have never, ever seen someone play as poorly as Max Hall did last week.  Derek Anderson was terrible to the point where you were thinking “well, this is about as bad as it gets.”  It’s like Wisenhunt was in my brain or something, yelling back, “OH YEAH?!?  I’LL GIVE ‘YA WORSE!!!”  Sheesh.  The kid looked like he was about 15 out there.  Good luck with Cam Newton.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

They played New Orleans close, but that offsides at the end of the game was brutal.  Somebody get Marvin Lewis his last meal already.  I mean, will he get an opportunity to coach again?  Hell of a defensive coordinator, but maybe in over his head as a head coach.  He’s one of the members of the “Wade Phillips All-Stars,” for good coordinators that make bad head coaches, along with Scott Linehan, Cam Cameron, Marty Morhenwig, Brad Childress, and, yes, even Mike Martz. .

29. Detroit Lions

Jahvid Best is still hurt, Stafford’s career may have ended before it started, and their defense is god awful.  Who do you even pick if you’re these guys and you get a top-five pick?  Maybe a corner?  There are a couple good corners in this draft.  They need something—shit, the whole town does.

28. Denver Broncos

COPS!  COPS!  FUCKING COPS ARE HERE!  PARTY’S OVER!  Totally lame. About time the frat guy got sacked, especially with all of the Spygate II stuff.  It makes you wonder if he was the one behind the tapings all along.  After all, it was the Rams’ defensive walkthrough that they (allegedly) taped before the Super Bowl.  Hmm…On another note, owner Pat Bowlen, obviously a total bro at heart, made some guy named “Studesville” their new head coach.  Studsville?   That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?  “Okay, party’s over, but welcome to Studsville, ladies!”  Creepy.

27. Buffalo Bills

They were seductresses last week.  “Aw, come on, baby, you want to take us +5 at Minnesota, don’t you?”  We all were like drunk guys at a titty bar, “Um, yes please!  Take all of my money!”  Now you’ve got a nation full of assholes holding a gun, trying to work up the courage to eat it and pull the trigger.  DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE, BILLS!  DO YOU SEE HOW MANY LIVES YOU’VE RUINED!?!  YOU’RE LIKE JOHN ANTHONY GETTING PISSED ON IN TWO FOR THE MONEY!!!  

26. San Francisco 49ers

They did their part by losing to the Packers.  Mike Singletary looks just utterly confused on the sidelines these days.  It’s like someone just asked him if he had change for a three dollar bill, or if he wanted to go get some giraffe juice at potato o’clock.  Maybe he’s confused because he sees his direct deposit go through before the game.  “And they’re still paying me for this shit?  Huh.”  Maybe they’ll start leaving subtle hints for him, bring some boxes into his office after this week’s game, maybe a mail forwarding form the next week, maybe leave a moving van pamphlet around his office “just to have something to read in the john.”  Good luck with that plan, Niners.

25. Tennessee Titans

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Fisher’s sales pitch is falling on deaf ears.  He’s like Gil from the Simpsons now, just a pathetic guy, trying to use his old tricks to hustle out another used car sale.  Pretty soon his manager is going to be on his ass.  Then, one day, he’ll finally close a sale, come home, and find Vince Young fucking his wife and mistress AT THE SAME TIME!  At some point, Fisher has to get the blame, right?  He’s not that slick.  (BREAKING BAD-RELATED, BUT NOT REALLY A SPOILER)  He’s no Saul Goodman, right

24. Washington Redskins

How is this team 5-7?  They are absolutely terrible.  Oh, but Ryan Torain is back this week!   Shanahan is just perplexed.  He’s been analyzing every minute detail, trying to figure out what the hell is going on here.  Meanwhile, McNabb fell asleep on the toilet about five hours ago.  I think there’s a little bit of a disconnect in preparation between coach and quarterback.  My God, though, just think—what if the Rams would have taken Ndam Suh?  Sam Bradford would be a Redskin now, and that would be scary.  Shanahan and he would have “outworking contests.”  And you know what?  I think  Bradford has him beat.  Ugh.

23. Houston Texans

Jesus, this team is terrible, and they got worked over in the Thursday game last week.  I don’t really know what to say here, so let’s have some fun with the baseball hot stove.  I don’t know why everyone is all up in arms about the Carl Crawford deal.  Sure, Jayson Werth is overpaid in Washington, but Crawford is worth $3 million a year more than Werth is, right?  To put that in perspective, think about it this way—a team that pulls in 3 million fans can charge an extra $1/ticket to pay the difference.  If they only draw 1.5 million, that’s an extra $2 a ticket.  Doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?  That doesn’t even bring the mlb.tv money into the equation (reportedly over $15 million per team each year).  And the Cardinals are caught with their pants down by Pujols wanting $30 million a year?  If they haven’t been saving up for this, it’s their own goddamn fault. 

22. Miami Dolphins

Ugh.  What a fiasco.  Chad Henne is about done—I don’t even think they make parts for him anymore, and he hasn’t been rebooted in a few weeks.  Chad Pennington is finished.  Tyler Thigpen is, well, Tyler Thigpen.  Doesn’t look like they struck gold with that one.  Yet, they still refuse to use their running backs.  Would it hurt to run the Wildcat almost exclusively?  I mean, at this point, what the fuck, you know?  I’d try anything.  

21. Cleveland Browns

Christ, how have they fought back to 5-7?  I saw in somebody’s mailbag this week (maybe John  Clayton’s?) that despite this little surge, they’d have to finish 8-8 for Mangini to keep his job.  Shit, why not just can him now and be done with it?  I mean, he’s done a pretty good job so far this year.  I think he probably deserves another shot next year.  Of course, if Holmgren wants to come back and coach, that’s another thing entirely, but Mangini has bought himself another year, I think.

20. Minnesota Vikings

Wow, who would’ve thought?  Favre injured, win easily.  Huh.  Of course, Tarvaris still threw 3 picks, but whatever.  Maybe I’m spoiled by Bradford, but Tarvaris has been in the league for what, like 4 years now?  You would think his decision-making would have improved a bit.  Of course, he’s probably got Favre on the sidelines, telling him bullshit like, “Don’t mind that safety over the top, just air that fucker out!”  Which, coincidentally, is also his philosophy on firearms and his penis.  Ugh.

19. Dallas Cowboys

Goddamn, talk about being on a roll.  Of course, they lose points for losing Dez Bryant for the year.  I always think that broken ankles are pretty bad.  Maybe that’s because I sprained my ankle about four months ago and the fucker is still swollen and hurts sometimes.  Fucking doctors—WHAT DO THEY KNOW!?!  At any rate, though Dez Bryant looked dynamic, his numbers weren’t just THAT great.  561 yards and 6 TDs is good, but I’ve seen better.

18. Seattle Seahawks

Why can’t you lose to the worst team in the league, Pete Carroll?  What a fucking joke.  For his “motivational tactic” this week, Pete shoots Charlie Whitehurst in the stomach with a shotgun.  That’s it.  That’s the whole thing.  It had the team rolling on the floor laughing!  Oh that Pete Carroll!  What a hoot!

17. San Diego Chargers

That pathetic loss set things up nicely this week.  Not only because I get to make fun of what a baby Phil Rivers is, and how Norv might finally lose his job this year because when your strategy is “lose games early in the season then stage a miraculous comeback down the stretch,” you have no margin for error.  No, rather, it is because of how the power rankings set up.  These guys lost to the Rams and Raiders.  Meanwhile…

16. St. Louis Rams

These guys lost to the Raiders.  Funny how that works out, right?  I did like what I saw last week.  Again, much like with the Panthers, they were supposed to win and took care of business.  Unlike the Panthers game, this time they did it on the road.  By the way, when are the Rams going to get a little more respect from Vegas?  +9?  Really?  I realize it’s at New Orleans and everything, but +9 seems like a little bit of a slap in the face.  Let’s hope they can shock the world this week.

15. Oakland Raiders

Speaking of shocking the world…wow.  Jacoby Ford is going to be pretty damned good, assuming he stays healthy.  Now if they only had a real quarterback…hmm…anyone have JaMarcus Russell’s number?  My God, he’s like McNabb junior.  I watched that 60 Minutes piece on JaMarcus, and he’s saying stuff like, “I would never play in the UFL!”  I mean, I guess he has enough cash to sit it out, but if I were him and wanted to play football again, I’d get my ass to Omaha.  Does he realize what a joke he is now?  He’s worse-regarded in the league than Ryan Leaf (if that’s possible), because he has the physical tools, but is such a jerk-off at practices and meetings he can never get shit done.  How fucking frustrating.  He’s probably working on some new drank recipe—Four Loko+Everclear+codeine+paint thinner+listerene, or some horrible shit like that.  I think he calls it “DO NOT DRINK THIS—IT WILL MAKE YOU GO BLIND!”  It still is sold out at most locations.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars

This is where it gets tough.  Much like law schools, the NFL right now is separated into the top-14, and then the rest.  That doesn’t mean that all top-14 teams are equal—that’s hardly the case.  Case in point: these assholes.  I wouldn’t trust Jack Del Rio to open a jar of pickles, let alone coach a team.  He’d probably start by trying to unscrew the jar, get frustrated, and come at it with an axe, then vacuum up the pickles and eat the shattered glass.  

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Looks like midnight’s approaching.  Hurry Josh Freeman—your carriage is about to turn into a pumpkin!  Although even your Prince Charming is looking to dump you.  That’s right, Bill Simmons has a new boyfriend.  To which I say, GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF SAM!  I SAW HIM FIRST!  I WILL FUCKING SHANK YOU, YOU COCKSUCKING ASSBAG!  BE AFRAID!  BE VERY AFRAID!!!

12. Kansas City Chiefs

Especially with Matt Cassell out maybe playing with fucking appendicitis!  Can you imagine if he tries to play THREE FUCKING DAYS AFTER HE GOT HIS APPENDIX TAKEN OUT?!?  Of course, after Dr. Jack Shepherd’s remarkable recovery from a similar procedure in Lost (it took him maybe a day and he was off hiking through the woods again), HE HAD A MAGICAL HEALING ISLAND TO HELP HIM ALONG!  This would be insanity.  Don’t bitch to me when your quarterback is writhing around on the ground like an asshole—your (or his) funeral.

11. Indianapolis Colts

Fuck these guys, too.  I made a side wager with G Gel Unit about this week’s Thursday night game, taking the Colts -4.  Halfway through, I sent him a text that read “U R Fuked" (sic).  Then those asshole Titans make a meaningless cover at the end of the game!  Goddamn it, Manning, GET A HOLD OF YOUR DEFENSE ALREADY!!! Where’s Jim Caldwell?  Oh, he’s actually dead now?  Ah, who gives a fuck, it’s been like that for almost two years now anyway. 

10. New York Giants

They beat the shit out of the Redskins, but so what?  Are you 100% confident about them going into Minnesota this week, not having any idea who is going to be playing QB?  Me neither.  FIGURE OUT WHETHER YOU ARE GOOD OR BAD ALREADY, ASSHOLES!!!

9. Chicago Bears

Still not sold.  4 points over the Lions?  I think my high school team could do that.  They could beat New England by 42 this week with Cutler throwing 5 TDs and Brady headed out of Soldier Field on a guerney as I put my arm around Gisele and wink at him and they might make it to number 8 next week.  Classic “underrated for so long that they’ve become overrated” scenario.  New England is going to kill them this week.

8. New York Jets

Fucking embarrassing.  Just awful.  I can’t believe a team could shit the bed that badly.  And on national TV, to boot!  Mark Sanchez looked like that scared little boy I saw during Hard Knocks, not the man he was earlier this season.  Maybe he was wearing stilts back then or had a fake beard.  I cannot imagine this team making it through the AFC after that beat-down.  Can you imagine what the Ravens D woulod do to Sanchez in a rematch?  As soon as you get a lead against these guys, they’re pretty much on the ropes.  Terrible.

7. New Orleans Saints

Eh.  Just “eh.”  This week will tell us a lot—a top ten team should cover against the Rams at home.  That said, if Pierre Thomas waltzes in and thinks that he can pull a Reggie Bush in his first game back from injury, he’s sorely mistaken.  This game will tell us a lot about the Saints—win and they’re legit.  Lose, and, well, let’s not crown ‘em yet, folks.  Right Denny Green?  Maybe Bob Knight would agree?

6. Baltimore Ravens

My God, what a fucking street fight that Sunday night game was, right?  It was weird to see such vaguely humanoid creatures on either team’s defense, right?  I guess that’s why it’s so tough to come up with anti-steroids commercials.  “Uh, don’t do steroids, or else, you’ll become a millionaire athlete but will have the last shitty 20 years of life chopped off—you wouldn’t want that, would you?”  Good to see my opinion of Choke-O is being validated.  Pretty soon, they won’t even trust him to mop the johns and refill the toilet paper.  Those are the kinds of games you have to win in this league, Flacco.  Sorry, buddy.

5.  Green Bay Packers

This team is really hitting its stride.  Aaron Rodgers continues to put up 25 fantasy points per week, and just overall solid numbers.  My only concern is McCartman—has he ever watched South Park?  Doesn’t he know that Cartman’s schemes are always doomed to failure?  I guess he did pull one over on ole’ Scott Tenorman, but still, even Tenorman got his revenge when it was revealed that Mr. Tenorman was Cartman’s dad, too.  Maybe the J Lo thing?  All I’m saying is, I think Mike McCarthy is going to end up giving handjobs to Ben Affleck, okay?

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

They got their noses bloodied a little bit, didn’t they (quite literally).  That hit on Ben really should’ve been animal abuse.  What if they end up playing Philly in the Super Bowl?  Would Rothlisberger try to win one for all dog kind?  Or would he instinctively tuck his tail between his legs and run away, probably to a bar, where…well, you get the picture.  Coach Tomlin, now would be the time to start a climactic dog training montage—get Ben ready to go!

3. Philadelphia Eagles

This team still scares the ever-loving shit out of me.  And no, not because they have a convicted felon as their quarterback, though that, also, is frightening.  No, they can put up 45 on any team in any given week, and change from power running to deep pass and QB tuck-and-run in an instant.  If I was ranking the teams that I would LEAST like to play in the first round as a Rams fan, it would go something like:

1. Packers, 2. Eagles, 3. Falcons, 4. Saints, 5. Bears, 6. Giants, 7. Bucs

Hoo boy.

2. Atlanta Falcons

Ho hum.  Nothing to see here.  Just another win.  Now they get two “byes” in the last four games (vs. Carolina, at Carolina).  What a joke.  Why not just send them to Hawaii for a few weeks and save us all the trouble, NFL?  Ridiculous.  What would Matt Ryan do in Hawaii?  I imagine he’d go to the pool (shirt on, of course), maybe a nature hike, probably eat well and generally try to stay in shape.  What a tool.

1. New England Patriots

As if there was any debate this week after that hurting they put on the Jets.  They’ve apparently beat all of the top teams in the AFC now, including beatdowns of the Steelers and Jets.  Of course, they also lost to the Browns.  I doubted Brady with the hairplugs...err…”cut,” but damn if that handsomeness quotient isn’t winning games all by itself now.  Now I’ve got this asshole trying to win Gisele back, and Simmons breathing down my neck with Bradford—will I ever get a break?!?

Questions?  Comments?  A little freaked out?  E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.



Saturday, December 04, 2010

NFL Power Rankings Week 13

One of the best parts about waiting until Friday to write these things is that I get to see the outcome of the Thursday night game. Of course, I suppose that I could write this up on Thursday before the game and then act like I wrote it after the game. Of course, this week, that might have led to me writing something like, "Man, Dog Murderer really carved up those Texans, didn't he? And wow, Schaub really looks lost out there—he threw that INT that was right at the opposing player!" Boy, would I have had egg on my face after that one! On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

This was a tougher call than most weeks. The Panthers lost again, but the Cardinals looked so fucking bad. I think the old "if these two teams played on a neutral field in Wichita, which team would win?" was pulled out about 523 times by various sportswriters this week. You know what I'd call that? The 2010 UFL Championship! I mean, come on, seriously, shouldn't they have the worst team in the NFL play the best team in the UFL at the end of every season? Wouldn't you watch this instead of the Pro Bowl? "Clausen! Rattay! It's the Toilet Bowl on Versus!"

31. Arizona Cardinals

That Monday Night game was one of the shittiest fucking games I've ever seen in my life. I vaguely remember the Colts playing the Eagles one year where the final was like 5-3 or something like that when both teams were terrible, but this game might have been worse. I have never seen a shitty team be so thoroughly outmatched by…another shitty team. Every third-and-long, they threw like a four yard pass. I don't know if that's on Derek Anderson or the coaches or what. Probably a little of both. Also, I think when they told Derek Anderson to "be more like Phillip Rivers," he (of course) totally took it in the wrong direction. Hopefully that's the same Derek Anderson that shows up this weekend.

30.
Cincinnati Bengals

Eh, nothing really new to say about these guys. When it's all said and done, they might end up with Andrew Luck or Cam Newton under center next year. On another note, the Reds re-signed Bronson Arroyo for 3 years and $35 million; good to see they didn't overreact to his contract year. For them, that's like the $30 million the Cards will probably shell out for Pujols. The Cards have to do it to keep an iconic franchise player. The Reds…well…I don't know WHAT the hell they're thinking. At least they have their Kyle Lohse now.

29. Denver Broncos

Goddamn, give me a heart attack whydoncha?!? Fucking Orton is a non-closer. I'll tell you what I would've done—I would've brought Tebow out. He already closed out Bradford once in college. Why not see if lightning can strike twice? Instead, Orton became Chris Long's bitch. Fuck McDaniels with this SpyGate II bullshit, too. If this doesn't prove that the Rams deserved that second Super Bowl, I don't know what would. Ridiculous. Fuck this guy—I hope he gets shitcanned. And no, I don't mean dead drunk by that—I know he does that nightly already. Lucky prick.

28. Detroit Lions

Hoo boy. Stafford is officially a Faberge egg. Actually, buying 14 Faberge eggs probably would've been a better investment by the Lions. I thought Shaun Hill could do well by these guys. Actually, now you hear him in the same conversation with guys like McNabb, Bulger, and (shudder) Jon Kitna for "Guys that Could Be QBing in Arizona Next Year." Yikes—I mean, I thought Shaun Hill was above-average earlier this year, but if you're bringing him in to be your starter, you have serious problems.

27. San Francisco 49ers

Haaaanging around…haaaanging around. Somebody stomp on these motherfuckers' throats already, please? Let's see how well they do at Green Bay this week. Goddamn, I saw a Mock Draft this week that had them taking Ryan Mallet and the Seahawks taking Jake Locker. It was the best possible scenario. Shit, ship Bulger out to Arizona and let's start planning the home playoff game next year in St. Louis. Now if the Cards take Cam Newton…

26. Minnesota Vikings

Ol' Lil' Dick pulled one out of…well…the spot in his pants where his dick should be…this past week. Do I think they're really better than the Deadskins? No. Do I think that they all hated "Walt White" Childress? Definitely. Was this win generated purely by spite? For sure. We'll see if Favre can show that he's a big swinging dick this week. But enough about his texts already. Hey now!

25. Cleveland Browns

This team is a-baarrrring, so I'm going to pull a Simmons and talk about LeBron's…err…"triumphant" return to Cleveland. What I can't believe is that these assholes on the Cavs just acted like their frat buddy that graduated was coming back for homecoming or something—yukking it up and laughing with him at every time out. I don't care if you used to babysit his kids in the offseason or if you used to fuck his mom—somebody needed to hit that asshole last night, and I mean early. If you're the eleventh guy on the team, why not do it? You'd be a God in Cleveland for years to come. Shit, now I wish that I had written this before Thursday. I know the Cavs are big fans…

24. Buffalo Bills

You know what this means—I think the Bills are going to go into Minnesota and beat the Vikings. "Hoo boy, the old man's lost it!", I'm sure you're thinking. Well, these assholes haven't looked half bad in recent weeks. They are even bigger non-closers than the Rams right now, but shit, Fitzpatrick looks like he's going to be a decent enough stopgap for a few years until they can identify their guy at QB and bring him in. Although, wouldn't it be better to just bottom out for a year and happen upon the best QB prospect of his generation? I mean, shit, that's what the Rams did. Sometimes these teams can be so fucking stupid…

23. Washington Redskins

Their rushing leader (some guy named James Davis [quite frankly, it sounds made up]) carried the ball 6 times for 11 yards last week. Shanahan, shit both Shanahans, hate McNabb. Absolutely despise him. They just cannot understand how a guy can't live, breathe, eat, and drink football 120 hours a week. McNabb comes in for his 3 hours of practice a day or whatever…and that's it! No fucking homework, no lifting, just hanging out with his boys and eating Chunky Soup, with maybe a few naps worked in. You know what? I kind of admire him more for that. Sounds kind of like what I try to keep my weeks like. Work to live, don't live to work, I always say.

22. Seattle Seahawks

They got absolutely thrashed by the Chiefs last week. Just killed. Hasselbeck isn't quite as…err…"good" as a lot of people give him credit for. That might be the best trick that master illusionist Pete Carroll is pulling on everyone. I wonder if he just went around USC, trying to impress college girls with all kinds of shitty magic tricks. If you don't think that shit works, please immediately read The Game, by Neil Strauss. It is really required reading for any guy, not only because it's a hilarious read, but there are a couple of useful tidbits scattered inside, as well. Good stuff.

21. Tennessee Titans

Ugh. What a fucking disaster. Tennessee hasn't seen this bad of a disaster since the flood of 1993. And yes, hoosier geographer, I realize that was Memphis and not Nashville. Fuck yourself and go back to huffing meth or whatever it is that you do (just kidding. I know people don't huff meth. I watch Breaking Bad. I'm cool like that). When they get blown out by Jacksonville (for Jacksonville, that's a 4 point victory), Fisher will start to feel the heat a little. It's like someone called the attorney general's office on his used car lot—THE HOUSE OF CARDS IS TUMBLING DOWN, ASSHOLE!!!

20. Oakland Raiders

Eh, I never know what to think about this team. I would stay away from them in Vegas, though, no matter what. They're a total land mine team. This whole division still is. You never know who's going to play QB, or what team is going to show up. Jacoby Ford is going to show up every week, though—that's for goddamn sure. Sometimes it pays to fall in love with the stopwatch. You just need to make sure that the guy has a little shake-and-bake, so that he can at least run routes. Otherwise, you have Troy Williamson on your hands.

19. Miami Dolphins

This team has two aging, ineffective running backs. They have a QB that sounds like he takes it in the ass from random dudes on film for cash. They have an expensive wideout that has been bottled up more than Corona. Their defense, though good, is either too young or too old to be top-notch. And they're still a top-20 team. The 2010 NFL Season, folks!

18. Dallas Cowboys

Huh? Wha happen? How'd they get so high? Well, I'm impressed. Damned impressed. I mean, sure, the playoffs are out of reach. But I'll be goddamned if Jason Garrett hasn't turned them around.

17. Houston Texans

These goddamn Texans—I'm fucking done with them. Matt Schaub does not look like an NFL QB. Shit, he doesn't even look like a guy that could take down that many chicks at the bars in Charlottesville. Which is odd, because I'm pretty sure he did okay for himself there. Huh. Oh well—the point is that he's just a fuck-up. I will go out on a limb and make a bold prediction: Matt Schaub will never win a Super Bowl. If that proves to be true on the day he retires, I will drink a whole bottle of Andre myself. I'm not bullshitting—I've done it before. Somebody remind me four years from now when this guy's out of the league.

16. St. Louis Rams

Crawling back to respectability! Thank God for Chris Long. And no, I didn't ever think I'd be saying that unless I was stranded on a lake somewhere and he used his yacht to save me. He is really coming into his own. He's like Grant Wistrom on steroids…on steroids. Spagnuolo is really not doing his homework on the stepping on throats thing. The cadavers might not be enough. We might need to graduate onto drifters. I hate to say it, but it might be that time. Meanwhile, Steven Jackson finally has turned the corner to full-blown washwoman status. The problem is, apparently the front office has been terrified to bring in another running back because they're afraid it'll bruise Steve-o's ego. I mean, if that's the case, shouldn't we just trade this asshole in the off-season? "Blasphemy!" you all say, I know. But the Panthers were willing to trade a first round pick for Torry Holt at the trade deadline a couple of years ago. We passed, then released Holt after the season. I'm just saying, better to get rid of guys a little too early than a little too late…

15. Kansas City Chiefs

I guess Matt Cassell has been doing a little better than I've been giving him credit for the past couple of weeks. Of course, a lot of that has to do with the performance Dwayne Bowe and the running backs are putting on. Cassell is one of those guys that needs the rest of the team to be firing on all cylinders to do well. Which is fine—I guess you can win a Super Bowl with that kind of QB. Shit, Eli won one against the best team ever, and he barely did shit. Still, the margin of error is quite a bit thinner with these guys—wouldn't mind seeing an upgrade here. Just not before December 19.

14. New York Giants

Fuck this team. Another team I would never touch in Vegas, unless they were playing a can't-miss. Like the Jags last week—that Jags spread outside of 4 idea is one of my finest. This team, though—who knows when Eli's going to pull a 1 TD 3 INT game, or when Bradshaw and Jacobs are going to take a week off. Shit, their top two wideouts are still out. Not gonna do it.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Goddamn it, this is where it starts getting tough. This team still isn't just that much better than…say…the Rams. Goddamn. That would actually be the ideal scenario—the Rams and Bucs make it, with the Bucs at the 5 so we get a rematch in St. Louis. Also, I think I'll go into Bill Simmons mode here for a second: "Jaaash Freeman got hosed last week. He's like a combination of Peyton Manning, Joe Montana, and Steve Young. He's almost as good as Tom Brady! You better watch out this week, Atlanta—he's going to go Michael Corleone this week, and you're Fredo! I'm going to go ahead and announce it—Jaaaash Freeman and I are getting married! Book your reservations to Provincetown this July—Jaaash and I are like Dylan and Donna from 90210! We're meant for each other!"

12. Indianapolis Colts

Another week, another Peyton Manning ass-raping. And he played poorly last week! Hey now! On another note, I've been calling Jim Caldwell "Mike" Caldwell all season. To which I say, be more memorable, sir! Do something on the sidelines! Shit, you don't even have to do that much--blink every now and then, for Chrissake! I hate zombies like this. Fucking undead. They ruin fucking everything. Somebody get Peyton a shotgun already.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars

Way to cover that spread, boys! I look like a gambling genius because of you guys! Unfortunately, YOU HAD TO FUCK UP THAT FUCKING TEXANS GAME WHEN I WAS IN VEGAS, DIDN'T YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! Fuck Jack Del Rio, David Garrard, and the rest of this ass-backward organization. I'm tired of them. Move to LA or London already, dicks!

10. Chicago Bears

I think I, and the rest of civilized society, are just waiting for these guys to come back to earth one of these weeks. There is no way they should be 8-3. Ridiculous. I guess that's why they're only giving 5 at the Lions this week. Cutler is such a fucking unpleasant hoosier. I would never want to live next to this guy—he'd send my property value spiraling down within a week by towing his uncle's car ot his front yard and shooting his rifle in the air to celebrate a successful wipe on the shitter. What a fucking asshole. When this guy came in the league, I thought he would be a game-changer. I didn't realize that it would be by MADDENING GAMBLERS BY THROWING EITHER 4 INTs OR 4 TDs PER GAME!!! FUCK THIS GUY!!! Boy, I'm getting angrier as we go here. Let's hurry up and finish—you wouldn't like me when I'm angry…

9. New Orleans Saints

I'm not totally sold on these guys this year. Brees is throwing too many INTs, Reggie is a mess—I guess his football talent was an STD that he has since passed on to Kim Kardashian. Either that or he went in one of those chambers from Superman II that takes his powers away. And I mean, for Kim Kardashian? Sure, I'm sure she'd be a fun fuck for a while and everything, but wouldn't you get tired of wasting your cash on her after a while? Was it really worth going in the chamber and everything, Reggie? After those compelling arguments that Superman's parents make? I don't know if there's any chick worth doing that shit for. Fortunately, he should be able to trick TO, Ochocinco, and…err…Carson Palmer (?) into standing outside the chamber to steal their…err..."powers" this week…umm…aw, fuck it, I can't do it with a straight face—free win this week, they're 9-3.

8. San Diego Chargers

They looked good in fucking up the Colts last week. Man, what's the term for when you're behind, then you make a late run to surge back to the front of the pack? I think they play it on the organ at baseball games?

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Fucking shaky as hell, Pittsburgh. If Steve Johnson doesn't drop that pass in the endzone, you're probably closer to 15 this week. You are goddamned lucky. Mike Tomlin, you have to take Ben to training. He's bothering all of the hotel guests with his barking and whining at all hours of the night. I know a good obedience trainer,but she likes to let the animals off the leash for a while to see what they'll do. In Ben's case, I imagine he'd run to the nearest bar, down about 15 beers and start…err…"hitting on" anything remotely female. Fuck him.

6. Green Bay Packers

HOW DO YOU NOT GET THAT TOUCHDOWN ON THE SNEAK ON THE ONE FUCKING YARD LINE, AARON RODGERS!!! WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT!!! That said, these guys would scare the living shit out of me in the playoffs. They're the only team that I think straight-up blows the Rams out in the first round no matter what. Sure, they have no running game, but they pass like motherfuckers. Actually, do you need just that good of a running game any more in the NFL if you have a top shelf QB and WR? I mean, it kind of sorts itself out then, doesn't it? It'll be interesting to see how far these guys go.

5. Baltimore Ravens

I can't believe they only could barely squeeze one out against the Bucs. It was like they hadn't eaten fiber in weeks. Just a real rough, "grab the handicapped rails and force it out" one. I think the stall is out of paper now after that one—and they didn't "finish the job," if you know what I mean. Somebody better call the assistant night manager to fix that little toilet paper problem. Fucking Joe Flacco—until he wins in the playoffs, he's on "Rivers probation." All of these assholes that put up big numbers but can't win the big one—FUCKING WIN IT! THIS IS THE SEASON! IT'S UP FOR GRABS! PROVE HOW GOOD YOU ARE!!!

4. New York Jets

Nothing new, nothing old, a whole lotta nothing. Sanchex is going to melt like a candle—I can feel it already. It's a slow burn, too—one of these weeks, he's just going to explode. Actually, I guess that makes him more like dynamite. Or one of those cartoon bombs that Yosemite Sam always tries to light, but can't, because of some goofy shit Bugs Bunny does to him. That fucking Yosemite Sam is such a fucking hoosier. Good thing Bugs Bunny is there to lay down the line. Looney Tunes are totally underrated—I don't know if they're still on Nickelodeon or another channel or whatever, but I blame kids not watching Looney Tunes for the general disintegration of our society over the past few years. How else are they supposed to learn comedic timing and quality bits like "Duck Season! Wabbit Season!" and "Wild Turkey Surprise!" and "Hassan Chop!"? "Spear and Magic Helmet!"? "Alarm Clock in the Lion Pit?" (Okay, couldn't find the last one on YouTube, but it is fucking hilarious—find the episode "Roman Legion Hare" sometime and watch it; very good stuff).

3. Atlanta Falcons

Big win over the Packers last week…at home…relying on a key fumble and last-second field goal…oh well. Same old boring team. I just can't imagine there's anything these guys do for fun, outside of go to church. Shit, Matt Ryan is probably still an altar boy. You know what that means—free wine! Score!

2. Philadelphia Eagles

After that win against the Texans, I think they could take the Falcons on any given Sunday, even in Atlanta. Dog Killer is just too fucking good. And don't look now, but that LeSean McCoy is a pretty damned good running back, too. Again, they should have won that game by about three touchdowns. I guess that's a disturbing trend—why can't they put the finishing touches on some of these early? Still, it has to be disturbing for the opposition; imagine if they ever put it all together. Fucking shit…

1. New England Patriots

They have a long week of rest. Hopefully, Tom Brady was able to get more hairplugs. Did everyone see this, hear about this? Yeah, apparently Brady has been seeing a hair plug specialist recently. And yes, you read that right—that is as reported by SI, via the..ahem…National Enquirer. Is that where we're at, SI? The National Fucking Enquirer? Why don't you just report that I'm fucking Gisele while you're at it? I reported it two weeks ago or whatever—that's about the same reliability. Which is to say very reliable. Sorry, Tom, I guess you got those hair plugs for no reason. Gisele and I are actually doing quite well together. Sorry you had to find out this way, bro. Oh, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Questions? Comments? Wondering how I found all of those weird YouTube clips this week? E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.