Saturday, January 22, 2011

Championship Weekend and Other NFL Thoughts


This would be kind of a boring column if I just did the straightforward picks for the two championship games, so I'm going to start with a "Random Ramblings"-style selection of my finest NFL thoughts from the past week.

-Love the Josh McDaniels hire for the Rams. Somebody get the man a video camera already! He and Bradford should be locked in a room at Rams park 20 hours per day until the lockout starts. I love assholes like Tim Hasselbeck that question the move because they think that a young QB couldn't possibly learn two systems in consecutive years. Look Bald Asshole, just because you were too dense to pick up offenses WHEN YOU DID NOTHING BUT CARRY THE BACKUP QB'S WATER TO HIM DURING YOUR TIME AS A THIRD-STRINGER, that doesn't mean that an intelligent young lad like Bradford can't pick up an offense that is surprisingly similar to the one he played in college, only adapted to the NFL. Christ, sometimes I think these guys are just rocking the boat for the sake of rocking it, then they get all pissy when the boat capsizes and no one wants to save them. Assholes.

-Good luck with Pat Shurmer, Cleveland. One of my favorite lines of the week goes to Randy Karraker on 101 ESPN, when he said, "And you know the Browns are going to take A.J. Green. He'd be the perfect weapon to catch those three yard outs." Classic. I can imagine the befuddled look on Colt McCoy's face when he gets his first 3rd and 9 playcall piped into his helmet.

"Uh, coach, we have nine yards to go. A three-yard cross to this random white guy probably won't cut it."

"JUST CALL THE FUCKING PLAY! I AM THE HEAD COACH OF THIS FUCKING TEAM, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP! IF YOU WON'T DO IT, I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL! MISTER DELHOMME IS THE NEW XO!"

"Okay, Jesus Christ, I'll run the play, no need to get so excited about it."

Devastating. Good luck digging out of this one, Browns.

-Wha happen? I thought the Patriots were the Greatest Team of All Time this year. Ever since they took your little camera away, Billy boy, you haven't been so good, eh? Now we have the camera—fuck yaself!

-This draft is turning out to be one giant clusterfuck. Luck and Blackmon out. Little chance Julio Jones gets to the Rams. No idea where Carolina is going to go. If the Panthers take Gabbert, they'll have two disappointing QBs fighting for playing time, though they would be well-served to let Clausen take the heat for a while to give Gabbert time to grow up and become a man. Personally, I think they should take Nick Fairley. He was the only guy in the national title game that impressed me even a little.

-Speaking of which, Cam Newton looked awful on the big stage. His throwing motion is usually pretty fluid and effortless, but his footwork is "bottom notch." He throws off of his back foot more often than Jim "Chris" Everett. Now we're starting to hear whispers about a JaMarcus Russell-esque work ethic. The problem is, you know some asshole like Shanahan is going to be arrogant enough to think that he can instruct him just as well as Yoda. He'd be wrong. He'd end up as a goddamn ghost talking to Newton's son on some godforsaken planet in the Dagobah system. Who wants to do that?!?

-Expect more draft coverage in the weeks to come. Onto the picks…

Jets at STEELERS -3.5

This could get ugly. Polamalu can sniff out INTs like a German Sheppard sniffing out drugs, and let's just say that Mark Sanchez has that distinctive scent of PCP. Sanchez played horribly in the first game and "OK" in the second game, can he progress? My guess is no, especially after James Harrison and Polamalu light him up a couple of times. Meanwhile, I don't even know if the Jets can lock down Mike Wallace with Revis—he might just be too fucking fast. I just think this has 7 point Steelers win written all over it.

Pick: STEELERS

Packers -3.5 at BEARS

Aaron Rodgers is bizzaro Brett Favre—he's just been getting BJs from the media all week. Meanwhile, Jay Cutler is the new Brett Favre. It's weird how history starts to repeat itself with QBs like this: Cutler=Favre. Bradford=P. Manning. Brady=Montana. Freeman=Roethlisberger. By all accounts Luck=Elway. Locker=Leaf. Newton=J. Russell. Where does Rodgers fit in? I have no clue. It just seems odd, that's all. Anyway, because it's going to be colder than a witch's tit in Chicago, and I expect this one to come down to a field goal, I have to go with…

Pick: BEARS

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