BlogMogger

Huh?

2011-11-20T01:40:00.001-05:00

Why the U.S. Sucks at Soccer (Or "Why Producing and Consuming Isn't Enough Nowadays")

2011-11-05T02:19:00.001-04:00

As the world inches closer to the precipice of afinancial meltdown, I thought I’d take a minute to look at why America isroyally dicked in the coming years.

Industrial society is organized around producers andconsumers. Producers transform rawmaterials into something more valuable (called a product), which is then soldto consumers, who make the judgment that they value the product enough (ascompared to the price) to spend their hard-earned dollars on purchasing it, orat least purchasing the right to use it.

A nation full of consumers is doomed to failure becausenothing new is produced; the population ends up shifting its focus to obtainingmore money to buy more products without mind to anything in particular. At some point, collecting more things justbecomes “the name of the game,” and it IS a game of sorts for those that wantto play it; keeping up with the Joneses, getting newer, faster, shinier crap toshow off or play with. Sure, I appreciatethe finer things in life just like anyone else, but the finer things should bea rare treat or serve some larger purpose than simply trying to fill whatevergaping void these people feel in their souls.

Of course, the government’s solution to this problem isto produce more stuff, and though that’s more in the proper direction, it’sstill off the mark. You could decide toramp up car production all you want, or make shirts or shoes or whatever goodthat you want, but odds are that at some point all of those products willbecome either replaceable, or able to be constructed automatically, either byrobots or through nanotechnology or advanced, 3D printing techniques. Or a nanorobot with a 3D printer, even!

What this country needs more of is INNOVATION (See there,I even wrote it in big letters so that you couldn’t miss it). We are now a nation that has become afraid tofail. “Teach to the test.” “Don’t step out of line or you’ll be castaside.” “Do exactly as the coach says.” “Don’t make waves at work, or elseyou’ll never get promoted.” “You have awell-paying job, why not just stay there and live ‘the good life.’”

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Instead of working atsomething that’s just “okay” to live the current “good life” in your few off-hours,your work should always be to somehow raise the standard of living worldwide,and make a difference. In order to doso, you have to be creative and take risks. But creativity is frowned upon in a world filled with X’s and O’s andexpository essays, with standardized tests and institutionalizedprocedures.

True, as an economy, this country does need products tosucceed, and people to buy those products, but where are all of those newproducts going to come from? There’sonly so much marketing you can do to convince people to spend money on shitthey don’t need (though we’re certainly testing the outer limits of thatassertion at the moment with crap like the shake weight).

It’s the same reason that the U.S. gets killed in soccerworldwide; our youth coaches demand that kids play a system and follow theirinstructions exactly. “Their way” is theexact way to do things, and any kid that says otherwise is “difficult to coach”or just plain bad. Creativity,ingenuity, and impulsiveness are frowned upon and weeded out.

Meanwhile, millions of kids in Rio de Janiero play withmakeshift inflated condom balls wrapped with string, largely without adultsupervision, and are allowed to figure out the game for themselves. Once they get to be of the age where seriouscompetition starts, you have a variety of unique talents that can be coached incertain respects, but still retain enough of that individualistic “something”to set themselves apart from their teammates. America is assembling robots from kits; Brazil is handcraftingplaymakers from marble.

The most damning instance of this phenomenon is in thepublic school system, which now preaches teaching to the test while cuttingancillary programs like art, music, and even phys ed. We encourage memorization and repetition inour children when these are the exact things that machines CAN do much easier,faster, and cheaper than people.

What should we be encouraging instead? Activities that utilize creativity, problemsolving, and questioning the way that things have always been done whilemaintaining the open-mindedness to appreciate why things are currently done acertain way. We need to teach kids tothink like individuals, not machines.

“But D.J., if you do that, you’ll have a bunch of dumbpeople daydreaming and nothing getting done!” First of all, I think a lot of “dumb” people could easily be trained tothink much more efficiently and creatively; they just have it beaten out ofthem by the school system and (admittedly) give in far too often to stupiddistractions. Secondly, if you’re a bumfor fifty years but then come up with an idea that transforms the world, orinspires someone else to do so, then isn’t that far more worthwhile than theguy that never even tries to come up with anything earth-shattering, and diesafter a comfortable, middle-aged existence, not even a blip on this rock thatwill eventually return to stardust anyway.

At least if you learn to think creatively and findsomething that you’re passionate about, you can make strides in that field, andhopefully make life a little better for current and future generations alongthe way. That’s worth something, isn’tit?

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out after my extendedhiatus from the blogs. Think I’m anidiot? Just want to say hi? Leave me a comment or hit me up on twitter ore-mail below.

D.J. Gelner is an attorney-turned-writer inSt. Louis, Mo. Follow him on twitter(@djgelner) or e-mail him (djssuperblog@gmail.com)if you have any questions.

Marshall Faulk, Running Backs, Quarterbacks, and the Changing NFL

2011-08-01T17:18:00.000-04:00

This weekend was supposed to be a special weekend for Rams fans, filled with all kinds of pomp and circumstance, a coronation for one of the greatest players in NFL history as blue and gold swirled all around.

Then the NFL went ahead and cancelled Sam Bradford’s appearance in the Hall of Fame game.

I guess we’ll have to settle for Marshall Faulk’s enshrinement in the Hall of Fame instead.

In all seriousness, though, Faulk was the greatest St. Louis Ram of all time (though Kurt Warner fans may dispute that assertion) and is certainly deserving of being the headliner of the weekend as a first-ballot inductee.

My first “holy shit!” moment seeing Faulk was during the Rams-Browns game in 1999 at what was then the TWA dome. I remember it like it was yesterday: the first time I ever saw the Rams win in person. We all remember that crazy run where Faulk juked and dashed his way 35 yards to daylight against the Browns, coming to a full stop, Looney Tunes-style, to let Browns defenders fly by before accelerating like an F-18 on an aircraft carrier to blow past everyone at full speed. I would say that it was something out of a video game, but I’m pretty sure that the physics engine in the Madden series wouldn’t allow that play to happen. It was really an unreal demonstration of human athleticism, and I likely wouldn’t have believed it happened if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes.

Marshall was a rarity: a complete running back with a unique skill-set. Too many running backs fit a given archetype in today’s game: they’re either a “power back” (like Steven Jackson or LaGarrette Blount) or “speed back” (Chris Johnson, Jamaal Charles) or “third down back” (Darren Sproles, Kevin Faulk). None of them really put it all together. The closest guy is probably Adrian Peterson, but he doesn’t do enough on passing downs to fit the mold. Most running backs have a limited skill set: power, speed, agility, vision, and (for some) hands, and even these skills are usually parceled out among the rotation of backs that make up most backfields.

That’s why it’s always a disaster when teams try to make enormous, Herschel Walker-type deals for running backs. Much like in daily American life, you’re only as valuable as your unique skill set, and as good as Herschel Walker and Ricky Williams were, they were basically just power/speed hybrids. Additionally, running back skills decline somewhat more quickly than skills at other positions; playing running back means lots of collisions and lots of wear and tear. It’s simply not worth it to give up the farm for most running backs out there. The last running back that I think would’ve been worth such a bold trade? Take a guess. None other than Mr. Faulk himself. And the Rams were able to secure his services for 2^nd and 5^th round draft choices.

Quarterbacks, on the other hand, have to have a wide variety of transferrable skills; there’s no such thing as a “third down QB,” wildcat guys notwithstanding. Accuracy, arm strength, both in terms of range and velocity, awareness, decision-making, leadership, so-called “escapeability,” and even size all come into play when evaluating modern quarterbacks, and that’s without taking into account all of the running back skills that are increasingly becoming a part of many QBs’ toolbox. It doesn’t hurt that many of these skills get better with age (to a point), especially among the elite quarterbacks in the league.

The only problem is that because of the value of elite quarterbacks that possess many of these skills, teams simply will not trade them; not even for a Herschel Walker-type of deal. That’s why teams either have to trade for QBs that are too old and fading (McNabb) or too young but with potential (Matt Schaub, Charlie Whitehurst), or they have to hope that fate and circumstances conspire to deliver the perfect QB at the perfect time (Peyton Manning, and hopefully Bradford). That’s why teams probably settle for running backs and receivers more often than quarterback help; it’s less expensive, and can have “an impact” on the offense you run. And, no offense to these guys, but when Trent Dilfer, Jeff Hostetler, and Mark Rypien have all hoisted the Lombardi Trophy, it sends the message to teams that sometimes “good enough” at quarterback is really good enough.

As teams continue to ramp up passing attacks across the league, it would stand to reason that quarterbacks will continue to rise in value, and running backs will continue to fall. I generally agree with this, but as with anything in life, there are exceptions. Because of his versatility and value to the passing game, not just as a pass-catcher, but also on the blitz pickup, a magically rejuvenated Faulk would probably be of greater value now more than ever. You don’t think an offensive coordinator would want a guy that could motion out into the flat and act as a fourth wideout, or motion in from the slot and be trusted to make blitz pickups? Those guys simply don’t exist in the modern game.

Not only that, but it’s exactly those kinds of things that were a part of Mike Martz’s offense that dragged the rest of the league, kicking and screaming, toward the more pass-oriented attack that is used by top offensive teams. When other teams couldn’t find one Marshall Faulk, they looked to two and three guys to provide that same selection of skills at the position over a broader base. This was certainly good for those teams that employed the method, including Super Bowl winners like the Patriots (Antowaine Smith/Corey Dillon + Kevin Faulk) and Giants (Bradshaw + Jacobs + Ward), but it’s far more valuable and impressive to find that skill set in a single person.

So when you see Marshall Faulk standing at that podium in Canton this weekend, remember just how valuable he was to those Greatest Show on Turf teams of the late nineties and early…aughts(?). And think about his remarkable impact on the position of running back, and how the way he was used changed the National Football League.

Questions? Comments? Like the new football-centric approach the blog is taking? Hate it? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

My God…When Will it End?

2011-07-22T15:41:00.003-04:00

Despite the positive indicators on both sides of the NFL Lockout, as I write this on Friday, there is currently no labor agreement. This whole thing has been a mess from the start, and I do think that both sides are to blame somewhat. Right now, though, the blame lies squarely with two parties in the process.

The players.

And the lawyers.

Let me explain. The players didn’t receive a final draft of the document allegedly until right before the owners’ vote last night. Speaking from experience, this is likely the fault of the lawyers from both sides, in a pretty bald-faced attempt to pile up billable hours for bonus purposes, but more on that later. What is ridiculous is that somebody on the players’ side read the document, saw that some minor things had changed, and events unfurled like this:

/someone reads completed document, notices minor changes.

…

//players blow up twitter with fantastic stories about how there are bloody 12” machetes sticking out of their backs.

The whole thing is a bit ridiculous, and speaks to some of the dangers of twitter. It’s a fantastic resource for getting information quickly, but it’s also a great way for misinformation to spread organically, like a wildfire, though twitter is set up in such a way that there aren’t any potential firebreaks other than someone with more “social proof” (like a Peter King) stopping the rumors in their tracks. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen, as most of the media seem to be fanning the flames, despite nothing being reported about what exactly was “changed” in the deal.

Here’s why I don’t think the owners are at fault on this one: if these changes are so egregious, why hasn’t anyone come out and given at least one example of a materially-changed term? What more-than-likely happened is that overworked, grunt lawyers on both sides have been exchanging language back-and-forth between pots of coffee and crushed-up Adderall around the clock for a few days now. At some point, there were probably some minor changes made to the wording for legal purposes. I have no way of knowing exactly what those changes were, but experience tells me that they were probably relatively minor, “Cover-Your-Ass” type things that would have to be included in any ten year deal. Is it possible that someone made a mistake along the way? Sure. It happens. As meticulous as they are, lawyers still make mistakes, especially when they haven’t slept for two or three nights, as was probably the case in this deal. But I think that whatever changes were made to the agreement are being blown completely out of proportion.

Here’s where it breaks down on the players’ side: someone heard “changes,” and instead of seeking out more information from De Smith or someone else equally in the know, they decided to go public with whatever limited information they had. This is pretty irresponsible of whomever did it (especially if it’s a lawyer or part of the management team), but it’s out now, and it is what it is. At least Kevin Mawae is trying to minimize the damage now by saying that it’s not such a big deal after all, and there still may be a player vote tonight. Still, to show such paranoia in these kinds of high-stakes negotiations could be interpreted as a sign of weakness by the players; it’s perhaps more dangerous to cry wolf in this situation if they are ultimately wrong, as such a claim (if unproven) significantly undermines the business acumen of the players as a whole, all because a few guys got a bit trigger-happy on twitter.

The real culprits, though, are the lawyers. I think it’s far more likely that there was a breakdown in communication somewhere in the negotiation process between the NFLPA attorneys and their clients. You can’t put it solely on the lawyers; maybe De Smith told them he needed to get some shut-eye, and not to bother him unless it was of “crucial importance.” I’ve had clients make similar requests before, only to later blow up at us as a negotiation ploy. What I do know is that lawyers love billable hours. They are the lifeblood of the vast majority of law firms. More time “tweaking” the document, or in this case, reviewing it for “nefarious activity” by the owners, means more billable time. Many of these attorneys charge up to $1,000 per hour for their time, with even first-year associates at the kind of firms both sides are using billing out at over $400 per hour. You don’t think that putting a team of ten-or-so lawyers on it for another 8-12 hours means some real cash for the firm? Please.

The lawyers for the owners, though, are similarly guilty. Apparently, they didn’t complete the document until the “eleventh hour,” right before the owners’ meeting last night. This also reeks of trying to pack as many hours onto their bill as possible, though, to be fair, their team was probably also horribly overworked and going on adrenaline/chemical stimulants. They should have completed the document ahead of time so that both sides had more of a chance to review it, and to curb all of this paranoia, “he-said, she-said,” before it started.

Again, it’s possible that the sides were drafting up until the last minute, but here’s why I don’t think that’s true: bonuses in the legal world are often based off of billable hour targets, i.e. you bill 2200 hours, you get $15,000 in bonus. With such large teams of lawyers working on this deal, it’s entirely possible that one or two lawyers on either side decided that they were going to squeeze some more billables out of this for bonus purposes, and became "difficult" to try to stretch out the process. Ethical? No way. But practical? You know it. I’ve seen it happen on deals that I worked on before—there’s no other explanation for some of the petty behavior exhibited by lawyers in the closing minutes of negotiating a deal.

In the end, the players shouldn’t feel so “betrayed,” and the owners should have made sure that the players got the actual CBA document a little bit earlier, and controlled their team of lawyers a bit more. If it comes to light that the owners were actually trying to pull something on the players later on today with tangible evidence, I’ll be the first one to apologize. But from my own experience, I think what’s really going on is the perfect storm between second-or-third-hand knowledge, and overworked, over-billing lawyers.

Now, can we please get something done here so that we can get back to football?

Questions? Comments? Thought I quit being a lawyer months ago? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Number 200

2011-03-28T00:49:00.001-04:00

It's amazing that this site has been going for close to five years now. Was it really so long ago that a group of rag-tag ne'er-do-wells banded together to write (hopefully) funny articles about sports, entertainment, and just plain crazy shit? We went from the heights of Deadspin to the lows of…err…"a year ago," but through it all, we've had at least a couple of loyal readers that have (again, hopefully) been entertained by our schtick.

"Wait a minute—this sounds like a setup for retiring the blog!" No, you wait a minute, buddy. Nobody's going anywhere. I hope to start updating this site more regularly in the future, but to be honest, most of my efforts for the moment are focused on building my new site (www.djgelner.com), as well as several other side projects, including a wine blog, wine book, and a podcast. I'll provide more details as I can, but for the moment, I assure you that this site will continue to exist in some form or another.

I just wanted to thank everyone that has stuck with this thing through the good times and bad, and who has had the patience to stick with me on my first attempt at blogging. We've gained and lost contributors and hot topics through the years (anyone remember LOST?), but we've tried to at least entertain you a little bit when we put stuff up here, and I hope to continue that (and maybe lure back some of the old gang to write) for years to come.

Again, thanks for your support, and here's to making it 200 more.

Questions? Comments? Had no idea I was so into wine? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Super Bowl Picks, Plus Odds and Ends

2011-02-01T11:08:00.002-05:00

It's really shitty weather outside right now. If you believe the local news here in town, this is the beginning of Ragnarok, the Norse end of the world. God Damn it, I think Odin and Loki just bit the big one! We're all fucked! Run for your lives! At any rate, with the Super Bowl coming up in a few days, I figured that I'd preview it. To fill space make the post more substantial, I'll throw in some random ramblings at the end. Onto the column…

Pittsburgh vs. Green Bay (-3)

I really have no idea why Green Bay is giving three in this one. It kind of boggles the mind. Sure, Pittsburgh's O-line now features three fat guys that were working in a steel mill when the season started. And yes, Green Bay, when motivated, can march the ball down the field. The problem is, I saw two fairly similar teams out there last week: good passing attacks, solid defenses, but prone to letting the other team slide down the stretch. There was surprisingly little throat-stepping action going on. That's odd, because normally the Steelers just put on the steel-toed boots and step on people's throats for fun. You have to think that killer instinct can be reawakened.

Still, this line just doesn't make any sense to me. The Steelers have (by far) a better running game than the Packers. Both teams have dangerous 3-4 rushers (James Harrison for Pittsburgh and Clay Matthews for Green Bay). Both feature good, big-armed QBs with mobility. So what are the key differences in this one? I can think of two of them:

1) Troy Polamalu can make a big play at any given time. Packers fans will counter that Charles Woodson can do the same, but Polamalu can make big hits and cause fumbles in addition to being a ballhawk. Woodson can't. This is a huge advantage for Pittsburgh, provided Troy stays healthy and finishes the game.

2) Roethlisburger-to-Wallace can go for 50 yards or more on any given play. It's true that the Packers can get 15 yard chunks at a time when they are going well. But they don't really have an offensive answer to when Roethlisberger can roll out and bomb it to Wallace for 50 yards at a time. Those 2 extra plays it takes the Packers to go the same distance (when they're really clicking, mind you) are two more chances for Pittsburgh's defense to make big plays. Even one pick or fumble in those extra plays can be the difference in a game like this.

Intangibles: On the one hand, you have Mike Tomlin, master dog trainer and brilliant head coach who is making his second Super Bowl appearance in four years of head coaching. On the other hand, you have McCartman, who's pret-ty lit-ul scheme worked out quite well this year. Both teams are decimated by injuries. Both cities have a lot of obese central and eastern European immigrants that enjoy various cased meats. Still, for the coaching staff and reasons above, I think the pick has to be the Steelers.

Now, for a little bonus material:

-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I CANNOT stop laughing when media types make jokes about, "Which was worse, the Pro Bowl or the NHL All Star Game?" Man, these guys are true comedic revolutionaries, much like Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, or Eddie Murphy. I mean, both games clearly suck, but both allow corporate sponsors that aren't important enough to be invited to the Super Bowl or Stanley Cup to mingle with the players and otherwise enjoy a weekend of corporate debauchery. So unless you guys have a better idea on how to accomplish this, I'd suggest you shut the fuck up.

-Baseball starts up again soon. Eh. For the first time in a while, I'm not terribly excited about a new baseball season. Maybe it's because the Cardinals have let their roster and culture get a little stale. Maybe it's because of the whole Pujols circus. Maybe it's because games have gotten so long and (dare I say it?) boring that I don't really want to watch the Cards play the Pirates on a random Tuesday in July. I don't know, but they better do something to fix the sport. The only thing I can think of off-hand is implementing all of the rule changes from Super Baseball 2020. That would involve a lot of girls learning how to play baseball at a professional level fairly quickly, as well as many, many advances in robotics and artificial intelligence. To which I say, GET ON IT, EGGHEADS! WE ONLY HAVE NINE YEARS LEFT! Alternatively, we could go the route of Base Wars and let robots beat the shit out of each other whenever they have a dispute. Either path would be far more interesting than this…"product" that teams drag out there season after interminable season.

-There are a few movies I want to see, provided we still have movie theaters after the End of the World. I haven't seen The Fighter yet, and 127 Hours and The King's Speech also look like they'd be pretty good. I think I'm going to prepare for Oscar season this year. You know what that means: Little Fockers, here I come!

-Finally, I know that there are all kinds of crazy new first-person shooter games out there, and video game technology continues to progress at a pretty good clip, but I'll be goddamned if I don't find myself keep returning to Final Fantasy Tactics, Madden '04, and the Mass Effect games. Sometimes, games are truly timeless. Now if only they'd release that roster update for Madden '04 so that I can turn Sam Bradford into the greatest QB of all time…

Questions? Comments? Worried about the implications of Ragnarok on your day-to-day life? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

Championship Weekend and Other NFL Thoughts

2011-01-22T12:48:00.002-05:00

This would be kind of a boring column if I just did the straightforward picks for the two championship games, so I'm going to start with a "Random Ramblings"-style selection of my finest NFL thoughts from the past week.

-Love the Josh McDaniels hire for the Rams. Somebody get the man a video camera already! He and Bradford should be locked in a room at Rams park 20 hours per day until the lockout starts. I love assholes like Tim Hasselbeck that question the move because they think that a young QB couldn't possibly learn two systems in consecutive years. Look Bald Asshole, just because you were too dense to pick up offenses WHEN YOU DID NOTHING BUT CARRY THE BACKUP QB'S WATER TO HIM DURING YOUR TIME AS A THIRD-STRINGER, that doesn't mean that an intelligent young lad like Bradford can't pick up an offense that is surprisingly similar to the one he played in college, only adapted to the NFL. Christ, sometimes I think these guys are just rocking the boat for the sake of rocking it, then they get all pissy when the boat capsizes and no one wants to save them. Assholes.

-Good luck with Pat Shurmer, Cleveland. One of my favorite lines of the week goes to Randy Karraker on 101 ESPN, when he said, "And you know the Browns are going to take A.J. Green. He'd be the perfect weapon to catch those three yard outs." Classic. I can imagine the befuddled look on Colt McCoy's face when he gets his first 3^rd and 9 playcall piped into his helmet.

"Uh, coach, we have nine yards to go. A three-yard cross to this random white guy probably won't cut it."

"JUST CALL THE FUCKING PLAY! I AM THE HEAD COACH OF THIS FUCKING TEAM, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP! IF YOU WON'T DO IT, I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL! MISTER DELHOMME IS THE NEW XO!"

"Okay, Jesus Christ, I'll run the play, no need to get so excited about it."

Devastating. Good luck digging out of this one, Browns.

-Wha happen? I thought the Patriots were the Greatest Team of All Time this year. Ever since they took your little camera away, Billy boy, you haven't been so good, eh? Now we have the camera—fuck yaself!

-This draft is turning out to be one giant clusterfuck. Luck and Blackmon out. Little chance Julio Jones gets to the Rams. No idea where Carolina is going to go. If the Panthers take Gabbert, they'll have two disappointing QBs fighting for playing time, though they would be well-served to let Clausen take the heat for a while to give Gabbert time to grow up and become a man. Personally, I think they should take Nick Fairley. He was the only guy in the national title game that impressed me even a little.

-Speaking of which, Cam Newton looked awful on the big stage. His throwing motion is usually pretty fluid and effortless, but his footwork is "bottom notch." He throws off of his back foot more often than Jim "Chris" Everett. Now we're starting to hear whispers about a JaMarcus Russell-esque work ethic. The problem is, you know some asshole like Shanahan is going to be arrogant enough to think that he can instruct him just as well as Yoda. He'd be wrong. He'd end up as a goddamn ghost talking to Newton's son on some godforsaken planet in the Dagobah system. Who wants to do that?!?

-Expect more draft coverage in the weeks to come. Onto the picks…

Jets at STEELERS -3.5

This could get ugly. Polamalu can sniff out INTs like a German Sheppard sniffing out drugs, and let's just say that Mark Sanchez has that distinctive scent of PCP. Sanchez played horribly in the first game and "OK" in the second game, can he progress? My guess is no, especially after James Harrison and Polamalu light him up a couple of times. Meanwhile, I don't even know if the Jets can lock down Mike Wallace with Revis—he might just be too fucking fast. I just think this has 7 point Steelers win written all over it.

Pick: STEELERS

Packers -3.5 at BEARS

Aaron Rodgers is bizzaro Brett Favre—he's just been getting BJs from the media all week. Meanwhile, Jay Cutler is the new Brett Favre. It's weird how history starts to repeat itself with QBs like this: Cutler=Favre. Bradford=P. Manning. Brady=Montana. Freeman=Roethlisberger. By all accounts Luck=Elway. Locker=Leaf. Newton=J. Russell. Where does Rodgers fit in? I have no clue. It just seems odd, that's all. Anyway, because it's going to be colder than a witch's tit in Chicago, and I expect this one to come down to a field goal, I have to go with…

Pick: BEARS

Questions? Comments? Seen my shiny, new personal blog yet? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Divisional Round Playoff Preview

2011-01-12T20:36:00.002-05:00

All right, all right, enough with the "sappy, life-affirming" columns. I get it. All of the comments, all of the e-mails, it's just been overwhelming…silence. Oh, well, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that loyal friends of the Mog are at least semi-interested in what's going to happen this next round. I'm actually making my way to Vegas this weekend. I know—I have a problem. Oh, well. It figures that the weekend I head out there, they take away the "Free Money" sign for the first time in about a month. These lines are incredibly tough. Am I going to bet them? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM! On to the games:

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-3)

Hoo boy. Somebody get the paramedics on hand for this one. Maybe a vet, too. These juiced-up monsters may be so 'roided out that we need a veterinarian. It'll be interesting to see if Flacco repeats his "Choke-o" performance from week 13. I could see this one going either way: the Ravens blow up a weakened Pittsburgh O-line, Flacco keeps his cool and is finally promoted to Assistant Night Manager, and the Ravens win by ten or so. It's just as likely that Roethlisberger comes out and forces…err…himself on the Ravens, and Polamalu picks Choke-o three times in a Pittsburgh rout. Time for the John Anthony coin flip…

Pick: Pittsburgh

NY Jets at New England (-8 ½)

I was discussing some of the games with G Gel Unit, and he wants me to put some cash on the Jets for him. I asked him if he wants me to just burn the cash or actually go through the charade of placing the bet. I think this is one of the easier ones on the board. Everyone thinks that the Jets defense is going to be so much better this time around, but I mean, come on, did anyone else see Sanchez this past week? He was horrendous. Aside from "calling the play when Jim Caldwell stupidly called a timeout with 28 seconds left," as Rex Ryan claims Sanchez did, they would've been much better with Brunell out there last week. It was like a flashback to the Chris Chandler era here in St. Louis. High-and-wide! High-and-wide! And you think this guy is going to go into Foxboro and make a game out of it against Tom Brady of all people? Yikes. Still, why do I get the sneaking suspicion that Nick Folk is going to backdoor cover this one with a meaningless field goal? Goddamn it.

Pick: New England

Green Bay vs. Atlanta (-2 ½)

This is a tough one. On the one hand, Matt Ryan never loses at home. On the other hand, his offensive coordinator has been interviewing for jobs this week. On the one hand, it is Aaron Rodgers, and he almost willed this team to win when they played in the regular season. On the other hand, Green Bay stock is at an all-season high right now. I think what it comes down to is that the 2 ½ is a slap in the face to Atlanta, as Vegas is basically saying that the Falcons are half-point dogs on a neutral field. Is Mike Smith smart enough to use that as motivation? Can you even mention point spreads to your team? What do I look like, Roger Goodell? I bet the old Scoutmaster and the Eagle Scout find a way to win this one by at least a field goal. Maybe they can find some Ginger Ale to celebrate with.

Pick: Atlanta

Seattle at Chicago (-10)

I would have thought this spread would've overvalued Seattle quite a bit, and put them at about +6 ½ or so. I mean, they DID beat Chicago at Soldier Field earlier this season. Pete Carroll has moved on from his pathetic "quarter behind the ear" routine and onto the "endless multi-colored handkerchief." And you know what? His team is buying into it! They think he's some kind of powerful wizard like C-3PO in Return of the Jedi. They're a bunch of Ewoks! And you know what? THE EWOKS TOOK DOWN AN ARROGANT SPACE EMPIRE! I mean, sure, they had some help from a band of surprisingly technologically-advanced rebels, but they shocked the galaxy!

Pick: Seattle

So there you have it. Of course, it'll be just great when I make a small fortune off of these picks. Just fantastic. I mean, I always leave Vegas ahead! What am I down? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW!? Don't ask unless you want to go to a very, very dark place. Very dark.

VEGAS!!!

Questions? Comments? Wondering why I subject myself to self-inflicted torture once every 4-6 months or so by heading out to Vegas? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com. I mean it. I still check the address and everything. If nothing else, you could get included in a mailbag. That's something, right?

Let’s Get Serious: On Life

2011-01-10T01:03:00.001-05:00

I apologize for the recent lack of Power Rankings, but I have been focused on other projects of late. I can't talk about many of these at this point, but needless to say, they're going to be big.

I don't usually get too deep into the personal stuff on this site because, well, let's face it, most of my readers are my goofball buddies from fantasy football and people who share my distaste for all things Keith Law. But for some reason, I felt compelled to write this, if for no other reason than to get the three-week old Power Rankings off of the front page.

I've also undergone a bit of a transformation lately that has rattled my cage a little bit and allowed me to put things in perspective. I've made some big life choices that, again, for various reasons cannot be shared yet. For any of my interested readers, you will hear about them soon enough.

For the moment, though, I felt compelled to write a post about life. No, not the Martin Lawrence-Eddie Murphy…err…"comedy" from the mid-nineties. Just this existence generally. So far, I think I've lived a pretty good one. I've had a number of advantages: first and foremost a loving family that has instilled (what I think to be) a good set of core values, and has given me the means to attain a high level of education and experience. Great friends, with whom a fun time is always guaranteed. An objectively solid job with good benefits. I generally don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or whether I can find a dry spot and some shelter to spend the night, which is more than can be said for a good number of people on this planet.

Still, there are very few areas where I have definitively had to stand up and make a major life choice for myself. To date, the single biggest decisions that I have made were where to go to college and grad school, and those were only choices because of the generosity of my parents and similarity of financial aid packages (well, in one of those decisions that is). Aside from that, my "plan" has always been College-Grad School-Job-work for a while to save for some as-yet undefined "business"-???. It is certainly a comfortable path, but something has always felt a little "wrong" with the way I was going about things. How would I discover this "business?" How much money would I need? What would it do? And, most importantly of all, how do I get there?

Until a couple months ago, I was especially clueless about that last part. Then, my girlfriend broke up with me and really put things into perspective. At the time, I was pretty upset about it, as is to be expected. In hindsight, though, it got me to think more about what I really wanted in life. I mean, life threw me a decent curveball this summer, and I wanted to try to put a good swing on it, so to speak. After countless hours of being content to watch reality TV and playing hours upon hours of Civilization IV, I decided to get back to the productive hobbies that I enjoyed, namely reading and writing. That explains my abrupt return to the blog after my extended absence. I went on a book binge at Amazon and ordered a number of books, both for pleasure reading and self-improvement.

One of these books is the Four-Hour Workweek, by Tim Ferriss. My lazy ass thought it had everything I was looking for—this way I could spend even more time watching reality TV and playing Civ IV, right? For some reason, I put off reading it for a couple of months, though. "Not yet," I always thought. In retrospect, it was a good thing because I'm not sure I was ready for what the book truly had to offer.

I started reading the book in September. It took me a little while to get into it, but Tim's message and writing style really resonated with me. Despite this, I stopped reading it about halfway through and took a month or so to process what I had read. Tim's central message is simple, yet universally appealing: Life is short. We should not spend our time on things that don't make us happy. Find a way to cut out things and tasks that make you unhappy to leave you with more time for what you really want to do. (as an aside, I apologize if someone from Tim's team stumbles across this and I misstated it in any way—feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). This doesn't really mean sit on your ass and play more videogames, but rather find what truly makes you happy and explore it.

I finally got around to finishing the book at Christmas, and am in the process of actually doing things to change my life for the better. I discovered a few universal truths that will form a personal "ethos" of sorts for my life going forward. In no particular order:

1. I am the boss of my own life. I make the choices and tough decisions. I do not have to answer to anyone else's ideals of what I "should" do.

This is a big one, in part because to this point, some of the most agonizing choices that I've made for myself involved which beer on tap to get, and how much to tip the waitress. I need to stop doing what other people think I should be doing, and just do what I want to do and what I love. Most of the rest of these stem from this first "grand" realization.

2. Treat others how you want to be treated.

I'm not a religious guy at all, but I do think they got it right on this one. To be honest, if people followed this one more often, a lot of religions would be out of business, though the world would be a much better place.

3. If you want to achieve a result, make active steps in that direction.

For years and years, it's always been "I'll do it later." "I want to write a book, but I'm busy at work so I'll do it later." "I want to start a business, but I don't have enough money. I'll do it later." "I want to talk to that hot chick, but she might reject me. I'll do it later." This is a certain way to a lot of regrets, and is absolutely the mindset of a loser. I don't want to be a loser—we all know what Sean Connery says about them. No, I want me a hot prom queen. Therefore, if I choose to not talk to that girl, I can't ruminate over it—I made the choice, I have to live with it.

4. Fuck detractors.

I mean, seriously, this one should be obvious, but there are a lot of people out there with ideas that are afraid to look into them any deeper because some asshole tells them, "That will never work." It doesn't even have to be anyone that has the faintest clue about whether it will be true or not because quite frequently these people don't have a fucking clue themselves, but a lot of times people will let those detractors rule their lives based on nothing more than a gut reaction. So fuck 'em—they can all go detract from each other in Detractorland for all I care. Or Afghanistan. Same difference.

5. Green Bay Packers

You have to admire that Aaron Rodgers. I mean he goes in Philly and stares down Dog Killer, Q.B….oh, wait, wrong list. Moving on…

5. Set goals on an aggressive timetable.

I haven't usually been a guy to quantify my goals, but I recently tried it, including writing a "Life Plan" for where I want to be five years from now. It's not as stupid as it sounds. I gave myself objective fenceposts to shoot for, some of which I'll fail at, some of which I'll hit, and some of which I hope to exceed. Think of it this way: imagine you're in a field with nothing but wheat for as far as the eye can see. Someone hands you a gun and tells you to shoot it. You're probably just going to shoot it into the air, or into the ground, but regardless it won't be a productive shot. All setting goals does is give you a couple of soda cans to shoot at. Are you actually accomplishing anything? I don't know. But you can at least work on your skills, which is better than shooting a gun into the air like a hoosier.

6. Make time for the people, things, and experiences that you want. Everything else is peripheral.

The Four-Hour Workweek and other similar books that I've read have made this a central goal. Life is short and fragile. In The Departed, when Frank Costello asks the guy in his bar how his mother is, and the guy replies, "She's on her way out," Frank shoots back, "We all are—act accordingly." IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, FOLKS! RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES! At any rate, Frank is right—we could be on the next plane that crashes or in the next incident where some asshole decides he wants to shoot people up. These things hit everyone, and you have to be ready to ask yourself, "If I die tonight, will I be satisfied with my life, or could I have done more?" I've been asking myself this a lot recently, and been making steps in what I think is the right direction. If certain people are important to you, spend time with them and gain new experiences together. If you'd rather not associate with certain other people, then just fucking don't. Life is too short. We're all on our way out. Act accordingly.

7. Have Fun. Enjoy Life.

Two small rules bundled into one. Even when you're making a positive change, you can (and should) still be able to have fun. I mean, what is this, the Federation in the 24^th century, where everyone is bogged down in their iPad with paperwork and only listens to classical music? Fuck that. Again, life is too short. Enjoy it.

That's about it. If I think of any more, I'll post them to the list. "DURRR…BUT DJGEL, WHICH THAR OF THOSE THAR FOOTBALL TEAMS IS BESTEST?" you ask? Don't worry, I'll still regularly be back with the usual sports and entertainment stuff in a little bit. I also want to try something radical, like maybe shorter posts on a more regular schedule. But I do want to address issues like this from time-to-time, too, namely because of the profound change people like Tim Ferriss, Chris Guillebeau, and even guys like Trent Hamm and J.D. Roth have had on my life and its newfound direction. Perhaps the best part is I don't even have a compass. Actually, the best part is that I don't even care.

Questions? Comments? Wanting to know when we're getting back to things that actually matter, like football? E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 15

2010-12-18T23:01:00.001-05:00

What a week. I've been insanely busy, so if you're wondering why these are coming out on a Saturday, fuck yourself. On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Ugh. Just ugh. That wasn't even fair last week. Unfortunately, if you're a Panthers fan, your team might just hand Andrew Luck to the Bengals this week, as they're going against the Cardinals. I'm guessing you would prefer if they handed you a gun with one bullet right now. That way, you could kill John Fox. Or Jimmy Clausen.

31. Cincinnati Bengals

Because of the NFL's lovely territorial restrictions and the Rams late game last weekend, I had the pleasure of watching this team…err.."play" the Steelers last week. Carson Palmer really looks done. Just dead. At this point, UI think you have to let him sit on the sidelines for a year or two to get his shit together. I think by the end of the game, Pittsburgh was putting their wideouts out on defense so that they could get more practice reps catching the ball. Oh, wait, that was just Troy Polamalu. Oh well…

30. Denver Broncos

Tebow alert! Tebow alert! How does a team lose to the Cardinals by 30 fucking points? YOU PUT ERIC FUCKING STUDESVILLE IN CHARGE, THAT'S FUCKING HOW!!! I mean, at least he knows he's totally fucked and is taking one for the team by letting them see what Tebow can't can do this week at Oakland. They might be scraping him off of the floor of the Coliseum when it's all said and done, but at least then they'll know they have a FUCKING PUSSY. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? WHY WOULD GOD NEED A STARSHIP? DON'T YOU KNOW? AREN'T YOU GOD? I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!

29. Arizona Cardinals

I mean, really, by the thinnest of margins, and only because I basically have to put them above the Broncos. I don't know where this John Skelton kid came from, but let me tell ya', Cards fans, he's no Kurt Warner. Sorry to ruin the suspense. Although he did spread the ball around enough last week to make teams think "They aren't just totally incompetent and deplorable without any chance for redemption at the position." So that's a plus!

28. Washington Redskins

Hoo boy. Just when you think things can't get any more fucked up in Washington, Shanahan goes and does something like benching Donovan "McNap." (By the way, I was debating "McNap" vs. "McFlab" for hours last night and finally settled on McNap because BULLIES USED TO MAKE FUN OF MY WEIGHT AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT VERY MUCH!!!) I heard Shanahan's press conference on the radio last night, and it was fucking priceless. Shanahan talking about how he told McNap "Now, I'm going to be straight with you, I can't guarantee anything for next year, either. If there's a young Donovan McNabb or Sam Bradford in the draft next year, we're going to have to explore other opportunities." After I cleaned the jizz out of my pants at the mere mention of Sam Bradford's name, I surmised that Shanahan is trying to tank it to take either Andrew Luck or "Young McNap Clone" Cam Newton. Why else would you put Rex Grossman in a game, unless you really didn't like him as a person and wanted to humiliate him? The crazy part is, though Luck has an opportunity to be very good, I don't really think he's a "Sam Bradford"—his floor could be…say…Old Marc Bulger. Cam's ceiling is McNabb in his prime, but his floor is JaMarcus Russell. Tough call, Shanny. Tough call…

27. Detroit Lions

26. Buffalo Bills

It's pretty tough to pick the better team out of these two. The Lions beat an Aaron Rodgers-less Green Bay last week, while the Bills beat a Colt McCoy-less Browns last week—essentially the same team. I'll give the edge to the Bills because of their strength of schedule. Both of these teams could realistically use a QB in the first round next year, but they've been sucked into the Leinart zone. We'll see what they do—GODDAMN THIS DRAFT IS GOING TO BE SPICY!!!

25. Minnesota Vikings

Man, did anyone hear that Brett Favre broke his consecutive games-started streak last week? Me neither! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS OLD PERVERT ANY MORE, ESPN! Why prolong this guy's misery? Jesus, he already looks about ten years older than he is. At the rate he's going, five years from now he'll be eating from a tube and shitting in a bag. But enough about his lack of manners and common decency! Apparently now people are saying they're just going to abandon the Metrodome, which I guess is good—I'm all for anything that will get some combination of Jags/Chargers/Vikings out to L.A. so that the Rams can stay in St. Louis. I love the possible re-alignment scenarios, too. AFC South? Sure, why not? NFC North? Bring it on! It would be good to shake things up—things haven't been shaken up for a while now.

24. Tennessee Titans

Bill Simmons made a good point in his podcast this week—why score that meaningless touchdown at the end of the game last week unless Jeff Fisher is betting on his team? That was an insidious backdoor cover FOR NO REASON AT ALL! IT MADE NO SENSE! I find it unbelievable that Vince Young might actually force this asshole out. It's not like you're going up against Jimmy Carville in terms of political strategy here, car salesman. Good luck, sir.

23. San Francisco 49ers

That loss against the Chargers was reassuring—for a minute there, I was worried that the Niners were right and Alex Smith was "putting it all together" (not really). What a fucking stink-bomb. G Gel Unit will be in town to witness the Rams dismantling of them next weekend—should be fun. I am interested to see if Singletary looks as clueless in person as he does on the TV. If the Rams win this week, and the Seahags lose this week vs. Atlanta and next week at Tampa Bay, the Rams-Niners game could clinch the division. That would be fucking sweet.

22. Cleveland Browns

Because the Browns are so boring, I'm going to take this time to talk some Hot Stove. The big rumor this week is that the Cubs are clearing out payroll to make a run at Pujols next off-season. That's fine—if Pujols wants to go over to the dark side, I'll boo his ass doubly-hard if I ever attend a Cards game again…against the Cubs. G Gel Unit pointed out that in a survey among the GMs, they averaged Pujols' next contract at $26 million for 8 years. I ask them, "What was the high number?" Because, really, the average of a bunch of GMs numbers doesn't matter. If the Cubs or Angels come in at $30 million for 8 years? That would suck. I always hear people saying things like, "Well, if Pujols left, we'd have the money to spend on other things." Like what? John Mozeliak hasn't really proven anything to me yet. He'd probably sign marginal sixth, seventh, and eighth starters to $10 million per year deals. What a great time to be a Cards fan!

21. Houston Texans

What a way to summarize the Matt Schaub era in Houston: Tantalizingly close to a major victory, only to be picked-six in overtime. I think if this guy worked at McDonalds, he'd set the fries in the fryer, then watch the clock tick down, but when it got down to like 0:05, he'd pick out the basket of scalding hot fries and toss them at the manager (Gary Kubiak). Maybe they'll have a chance to see that scenario play out next year.

20. Dallas Cowboys

Too high? Maybe. All I know is that apparently Jerry Jones hates the Redskins more than any other team. You can be sure these guys are going to play their asses off for Jerry.

19. Seattle Seahawks

They certainly picked a good time to have the fucking wheels come off, eh? Pete Carroll has run out of tricks. He has been reduced to literally pulling rabbits out of his hat for the team's entertainment. Then he stops by a liquor store on the way home for the same bottle of gin, and dispassionately drinks it as he's being fucked by the same cheap hooker night after night. Anyone want to make Groundhog Day 2? It would just be 90 minutes of this on a loop. AND PEOPLE WOULD STILL SEE IT!

18. St. Louis Rams

They have to go here after that effort against the Saints. They keep hanging in there against good teams "but for" a bad play or two. That's great and all, but that separates the good teams from the mediocre. Now, don't get me wrong, they have done a great job this season. Spags and Bradford have them about a year ahead of schedule. Still, though, I'm not expecting any playoff miracles. Next year, they should be better, and two years from now, they should be a legit contender. Hmm…if only I had a time machine…I know, fuck me, I would definitely just use it for sports gambling purposes, but still…

17. Oakland Raiders

I got to see the end of this one last week after Palmer was done with that big shit he laid. What an ending! This team, like the Rams, is right there. Jacoby Ford is pretty awesome. He was also a fourth round pick. The Rams took Mardy "I am a dumb idiot" Gilyard instead. Fuck us.

(At this point, I ran out of time before Sunday. I apologize for the lack of merriment in your life that I have caused because of this. However, in the interest of completeness, here are the rest of the rankings without snarky comments. Ok, maybe just one-liners)

16. Miami Dolphins (Terrible QBs)

15. Green Bay Packers (no Aaron Rodgers)

14. Kansas City Chiefs (50% of Matt Cassell)

13. Tampa Bay Bucs (Running on fumes)

12. San Diego Chargers (Phil Rivers is damned good for a baby)

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (Still not sold)

10. Indianapolis Colts (No need to wake Jim Caldwell)

9. Chicago Bears (Also still not convinced)

8. New York Jets (Falling Rapidly)

7. New York Giants (Rising again—will be falling soon)

6. Baltimore Ravens (Not too impressive)

5. Pittsburgh Steelers (Somebody call the Humane Society—Ben is getting abused)

4. Philadelphia Eagles (Still scaring the shit out of me)

3. New Orleans Saints (Impressive…most impressive)

2. Atlanta Falcons (Eh.)

1. New England Patriots (So obvious—could it be any other?)

Questions? Comments? Wondering why the one-liners aren't that funny? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 14

2010-12-11T18:03:00.002-05:00

G Gel Unit suggested that with the way these keep going up later and later, I’m doing a great Sports Guy impression. I told him if I really was doing a Sports Guy impression, this would be a story about the NBA and the rankings would be in a sidebar with a one sentence description. He told me to “fuck off,” and I told him to “go fuck himself.” Onto the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

You had to tease us, didn’t you, Panthers? I was quite excited when I saw that they were up 14 on the Seahags early. I mean, at least half mast. Then it all came crumbling down. Thanks a lot, Clausen. By the way, who are these assholes that are advocating “seeing what the Panthers have” with Clausen for another season, and foregoing the chance to pick Andrew Luck? That is the kind of shit that gets teams like the Cardinals into trouble—seeing “what they have” with a quarterback that everyone else knows is shitty. Other teams that may fall into this trap this off-season: the Bengals (Carson Palmer), Vikings (Tarvaris Jackson), Houston (Matt Schaub--yeah, I said it), Dolphins (Any of them), Seattle (Matt Hasselbeck), and Washington (D Mac). I’d even throw in Buffalo with Fitzpatrick and even (gasp!) Detroit with Stafford. If you have a chance to get a QB that’s better than yours, take it. Always. Think Green Bay is sorry they took Aaron Rodgers? I didn’t think so…

31. Arizona Cardinals

And I thought I had seen the worst quarterbacks to ever play the game during their time here in St. Louis (Steve Walsh? Tony Banks? Steve Bono? Late career Marc Bulger? Chris Chandler? Late career Trent Green? Gus Frerotte? Kyle Boller? Keith Null? YIKES!) I have never, ever seen someone play as poorly as Max Hall did last week. Derek Anderson was terrible to the point where you were thinking “well, this is about as bad as it gets.” It’s like Wisenhunt was in my brain or something, yelling back, “OH YEAH?!? I’LL GIVE ‘YA WORSE!!!” Sheesh. The kid looked like he was about 15 out there. Good luck with Cam Newton.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

They played New Orleans close, but that offsides at the end of the game was brutal. Somebody get Marvin Lewis his last meal already. I mean, will he get an opportunity to coach again? Hell of a defensive coordinator, but maybe in over his head as a head coach. He’s one of the members of the “Wade Phillips All-Stars,” for good coordinators that make bad head coaches, along with Scott Linehan, Cam Cameron, Marty Morhenwig, Brad Childress, and, yes, even Mike Martz. .

29. Detroit Lions

Jahvid Best is still hurt, Stafford’s career may have ended before it started, and their defense is god awful. Who do you even pick if you’re these guys and you get a top-five pick? Maybe a corner? There are a couple good corners in this draft. They need something—shit, the whole town does.

28. Denver Broncos

COPS! COPS! FUCKING COPS ARE HERE! PARTY’S OVER! Totally lame. About time the frat guy got sacked, especially with all of the Spygate II stuff. It makes you wonder if he was the one behind the tapings all along. After all, it was the Rams’ defensive walkthrough that they (allegedly) taped before the Super Bowl. Hmm…On another note, owner Pat Bowlen, obviously a total bro at heart, made some guy named “Studesville” their new head coach. Studsville? That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think? “Okay, party’s over, but welcome to Studsville, ladies!” Creepy.

27. Buffalo Bills

They were seductresses last week. “Aw, come on, baby, you want to take us +5 at Minnesota, don’t you?” We all were like drunk guys at a titty bar, “Um, yes please! Take all of my money!” Now you’ve got a nation full of assholes holding a gun, trying to work up the courage to eat it and pull the trigger. DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE, BILLS! DO YOU SEE HOW MANY LIVES YOU’VE RUINED!?! YOU’RE LIKE JOHN ANTHONY GETTING PISSED ON IN TWO FOR THE MONEY!!!

26. San Francisco 49ers

They did their part by losing to the Packers. Mike Singletary looks just utterly confused on the sidelines these days. It’s like someone just asked him if he had change for a three dollar bill, or if he wanted to go get some giraffe juice at potato o’clock. Maybe he’s confused because he sees his direct deposit go through before the game. “And they’re still paying me for this shit? Huh.” Maybe they’ll start leaving subtle hints for him, bring some boxes into his office after this week’s game, maybe a mail forwarding form the next week, maybe leave a moving van pamphlet around his office “just to have something to read in the john.” Good luck with that plan, Niners.

25. Tennessee Titans

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Fisher’s sales pitch is falling on deaf ears. He’s like Gil from the Simpsons now, just a pathetic guy, trying to use his old tricks to hustle out another used car sale. Pretty soon his manager is going to be on his ass. Then, one day, he’ll finally close a sale, come home, and find Vince Young fucking his wife and mistress AT THE SAME TIME! At some point, Fisher has to get the blame, right? He’s not that slick. (BREAKING BAD-RELATED, BUT NOT REALLY A SPOILER) He’s no Saul Goodman, right?

24. Washington Redskins

How is this team 5-7? They are absolutely terrible. Oh, but Ryan Torain is back this week! Shanahan is just perplexed. He’s been analyzing every minute detail, trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. Meanwhile, McNabb fell asleep on the toilet about five hours ago. I think there’s a little bit of a disconnect in preparation between coach and quarterback. My God, though, just think—what if the Rams would have taken Ndam Suh? Sam Bradford would be a Redskin now, and that would be scary. Shanahan and he would have “outworking contests.” And you know what? I think Bradford has him beat. Ugh.

23. Houston Texans

Jesus, this team is terrible, and they got worked over in the Thursday game last week. I don’t really know what to say here, so let’s have some fun with the baseball hot stove. I don’t know why everyone is all up in arms about the Carl Crawford deal. Sure, Jayson Werth is overpaid in Washington, but Crawford is worth $3 million a year more than Werth is, right? To put that in perspective, think about it this way—a team that pulls in 3 million fans can charge an extra $1/ticket to pay the difference. If they only draw 1.5 million, that’s an extra $2 a ticket. Doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? That doesn’t even bring the mlb.tv money into the equation (reportedly over $15 million per team each year). And the Cardinals are caught with their pants down by Pujols wanting $30 million a year? If they haven’t been saving up for this, it’s their own goddamn fault.

22. Miami Dolphins

Ugh. What a fiasco. Chad Henne is about done—I don’t even think they make parts for him anymore, and he hasn’t been rebooted in a few weeks. Chad Pennington is finished. Tyler Thigpen is, well, Tyler Thigpen. Doesn’t look like they struck gold with that one. Yet, they still refuse to use their running backs. Would it hurt to run the Wildcat almost exclusively? I mean, at this point, what the fuck, you know? I’d try anything.

21. Cleveland Browns

Christ, how have they fought back to 5-7? I saw in somebody’s mailbag this week (maybe John Clayton’s?) that despite this little surge, they’d have to finish 8-8 for Mangini to keep his job. Shit, why not just can him now and be done with it? I mean, he’s done a pretty good job so far this year. I think he probably deserves another shot next year. Of course, if Holmgren wants to come back and coach, that’s another thing entirely, but Mangini has bought himself another year, I think.

20. Minnesota Vikings

Wow, who would’ve thought? Favre injured, win easily. Huh. Of course, Tarvaris still threw 3 picks, but whatever. Maybe I’m spoiled by Bradford, but Tarvaris has been in the league for what, like 4 years now? You would think his decision-making would have improved a bit. Of course, he’s probably got Favre on the sidelines, telling him bullshit like, “Don’t mind that safety over the top, just air that fucker out!” Which, coincidentally, is also his philosophy on firearms and his penis. Ugh.

19. Dallas Cowboys

Goddamn, talk about being on a roll. Of course, they lose points for losing Dez Bryant for the year. I always think that broken ankles are pretty bad. Maybe that’s because I sprained my ankle about four months ago and the fucker is still swollen and hurts sometimes. Fucking doctors—WHAT DO THEY KNOW!?! At any rate, though Dez Bryant looked dynamic, his numbers weren’t just THAT great. 561 yards and 6 TDs is good, but I’ve seen better.

18. Seattle Seahawks

Why can’t you lose to the worst team in the league, Pete Carroll? What a fucking joke. For his “motivational tactic” this week, Pete shoots Charlie Whitehurst in the stomach with a shotgun. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. It had the team rolling on the floor laughing! Oh that Pete Carroll! What a hoot!

17. San Diego Chargers

That pathetic loss set things up nicely this week. Not only because I get to make fun of what a baby Phil Rivers is, and how Norv might finally lose his job this year because when your strategy is “lose games early in the season then stage a miraculous comeback down the stretch,” you have no margin for error. No, rather, it is because of how the power rankings set up. These guys lost to the Rams and Raiders. Meanwhile…

16. St. Louis Rams

These guys lost to the Raiders. Funny how that works out, right? I did like what I saw last week. Again, much like with the Panthers, they were supposed to win and took care of business. Unlike the Panthers game, this time they did it on the road. By the way, when are the Rams going to get a little more respect from Vegas? +9? Really? I realize it’s at New Orleans and everything, but +9 seems like a little bit of a slap in the face. Let’s hope they can shock the world this week.

15. Oakland Raiders

Speaking of shocking the world…wow. Jacoby Ford is going to be pretty damned good, assuming he stays healthy. Now if they only had a real quarterback…hmm…anyone have JaMarcus Russell’s number? My God, he’s like McNabb junior. I watched that 60 Minutes piece on JaMarcus, and he’s saying stuff like, “I would never play in the UFL!” I mean, I guess he has enough cash to sit it out, but if I were him and wanted to play football again, I’d get my ass to Omaha. Does he realize what a joke he is now? He’s worse-regarded in the league than Ryan Leaf (if that’s possible), because he has the physical tools, but is such a jerk-off at practices and meetings he can never get shit done. How fucking frustrating. He’s probably working on some new drank recipe—Four Loko+Everclear+codeine+paint thinner+listerene, or some horrible shit like that. I think he calls it “DO NOT DRINK THIS—IT WILL MAKE YOU GO BLIND!” It still is sold out at most locations.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars

This is where it gets tough. Much like law schools, the NFL right now is separated into the top-14, and then the rest. That doesn’t mean that all top-14 teams are equal—that’s hardly the case. Case in point: these assholes. I wouldn’t trust Jack Del Rio to open a jar of pickles, let alone coach a team. He’d probably start by trying to unscrew the jar, get frustrated, and come at it with an axe, then vacuum up the pickles and eat the shattered glass.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Looks like midnight’s approaching. Hurry Josh Freeman—your carriage is about to turn into a pumpkin! Although even your Prince Charming is looking to dump you. That’s right, Bill Simmons has a new boyfriend. To which I say, GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF SAM! I SAW HIM FIRST! I WILL FUCKING SHANK YOU, YOU COCKSUCKING ASSBAG! BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!!!

12. Kansas City Chiefs

Especially with Matt Cassell ~~out~~ maybe playing with fucking appendicitis! Can you imagine if he tries to play THREE FUCKING DAYS AFTER HE GOT HIS APPENDIX TAKEN OUT?!? Of course, after Dr. Jack Shepherd’s remarkable recovery from a similar procedure in Lost (it took him maybe a day and he was off hiking through the woods again), HE HAD A MAGICAL HEALING ISLAND TO HELP HIM ALONG! This would be insanity. Don’t bitch to me when your quarterback is writhing around on the ground like an asshole—your (or his) funeral.

11. Indianapolis Colts

Fuck these guys, too. I made a side wager with G Gel Unit about this week’s Thursday night game, taking the Colts -4. Halfway through, I sent him a text that read “U R Fuked" (sic). Then those asshole Titans make a meaningless cover at the end of the game! Goddamn it, Manning, GET A HOLD OF YOUR DEFENSE ALREADY!!! Where’s Jim Caldwell? Oh, he’s actually dead now? Ah, who gives a fuck, it’s been like that for almost two years now anyway.

10. New York Giants

They beat the shit out of the Redskins, but so what? Are you 100% confident about them going into Minnesota this week, not having any idea who is going to be playing QB? Me neither. FIGURE OUT WHETHER YOU ARE GOOD OR BAD ALREADY, ASSHOLES!!!

9. Chicago Bears

Still not sold. 4 points over the Lions? I think my high school team could do that. They could beat New England by 42 this week with Cutler throwing 5 TDs and Brady headed out of Soldier Field on a guerney as I put my arm around Gisele and wink at him and they might make it to number 8 next week. Classic “underrated for so long that they’ve become overrated” scenario. New England is going to kill them this week.

8. New York Jets

Fucking embarrassing. Just awful. I can’t believe a team could shit the bed that badly. And on national TV, to boot! Mark Sanchez looked like that scared little boy I saw during Hard Knocks, not the man he was earlier this season. Maybe he was wearing stilts back then or had a fake beard. I cannot imagine this team making it through the AFC after that beat-down. Can you imagine what the Ravens D woulod do to Sanchez in a rematch? As soon as you get a lead against these guys, they’re pretty much on the ropes. Terrible.

7. New Orleans Saints

Eh. Just “eh.” This week will tell us a lot—a top ten team should cover against the Rams at home. That said, if Pierre Thomas waltzes in and thinks that he can pull a Reggie Bush in his first game back from injury, he’s sorely mistaken. This game will tell us a lot about the Saints—win and they’re legit. Lose, and, well, let’s not crown ‘em yet, folks. Right Denny Green? Maybe Bob Knight would agree?

6. Baltimore Ravens

My God, what a fucking street fight that Sunday night game was, right? It was weird to see such vaguely humanoid creatures on either team’s defense, right? I guess that’s why it’s so tough to come up with anti-steroids commercials. “Uh, don’t do steroids, or else, you’ll become a millionaire athlete but will have the last shitty 20 years of life chopped off—you wouldn’t want that, would you?” Good to see my opinion of Choke-O is being validated. Pretty soon, they won’t even trust him to mop the johns and refill the toilet paper. Those are the kinds of games you have to win in this league, Flacco. Sorry, buddy.

5. Green Bay Packers

This team is really hitting its stride. Aaron Rodgers continues to put up 25 fantasy points per week, and just overall solid numbers. My only concern is McCartman—has he ever watched South Park? Doesn’t he know that Cartman’s schemes are always doomed to failure? I guess he did pull one over on ole’ Scott Tenorman, but still, even Tenorman got his revenge when it was revealed that Mr. Tenorman was Cartman’s dad, too. Maybe the J Lo thing? All I’m saying is, I think Mike McCarthy is going to end up giving handjobs to Ben Affleck, okay?

4. Pittsburgh Steelers

They got their noses bloodied a little bit, didn’t they (quite literally). That hit on Ben really should’ve been animal abuse. What if they end up playing Philly in the Super Bowl? Would Rothlisberger try to win one for all dog kind? Or would he instinctively tuck his tail between his legs and run away, probably to a bar, where…well, you get the picture. Coach Tomlin, now would be the time to start a climactic dog training montage—get Ben ready to go!

3. Philadelphia Eagles

This team still scares the ever-loving shit out of me. And no, not because they have a convicted felon as their quarterback, though that, also, is frightening. No, they can put up 45 on any team in any given week, and change from power running to deep pass and QB tuck-and-run in an instant. If I was ranking the teams that I would LEAST like to play in the first round as a Rams fan, it would go something like:

1. Packers, 2. Eagles, 3. Falcons, 4. Saints, 5. Bears, 6. Giants, 7. Bucs

Hoo boy.

2. Atlanta Falcons

Ho hum. Nothing to see here. Just another win. Now they get two “byes” in the last four games (vs. Carolina, at Carolina). What a joke. Why not just send them to Hawaii for a few weeks and save us all the trouble, NFL? Ridiculous. What would Matt Ryan do in Hawaii? I imagine he’d go to the pool (shirt on, of course), maybe a nature hike, probably eat well and generally try to stay in shape. What a tool.

1. New England Patriots

As if there was any debate this week after that hurting they put on the Jets. They’ve apparently beat all of the top teams in the AFC now, including beatdowns of the Steelers and Jets. Of course, they also lost to the Browns. I doubted Brady with the hair~~plugs~~...err…”cut,” but damn if that handsomeness quotient isn’t winning games all by itself now. Now I’ve got this asshole trying to win Gisele back, and Simmons breathing down my neck with Bradford—will I ever get a break?!?

Questions? Comments? A little freaked out? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 13

2010-12-04T02:04:00.001-05:00

One of the best parts about waiting until Friday to write these things is that I get to see the outcome of the Thursday night game. Of course, I suppose that I could write this up on Thursday before the game and then act like I wrote it after the game. Of course, this week, that might have led to me writing something like, "Man, Dog Murderer really carved up those Texans, didn't he? And wow, Schaub really looks lost out there—he threw that INT that was right at the opposing player!" Boy, would I have had egg on my face after that one! On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

This was a tougher call than most weeks. The Panthers lost again, but the Cardinals looked so fucking bad. I think the old "if these two teams played on a neutral field in Wichita, which team would win?" was pulled out about 523 times by various sportswriters this week. You know what I'd call that? The 2010 UFL Championship! I mean, come on, seriously, shouldn't they have the worst team in the NFL play the best team in the UFL at the end of every season? Wouldn't you watch this instead of the Pro Bowl? "Clausen! Rattay! It's the Toilet Bowl on Versus!"

31. Arizona Cardinals

That Monday Night game was one of the shittiest fucking games I've ever seen in my life. I vaguely remember the Colts playing the Eagles one year where the final was like 5-3 or something like that when both teams were terrible, but this game might have been worse. I have never seen a shitty team be so thoroughly outmatched by…another shitty team. Every third-and-long, they threw like a four yard pass. I don't know if that's on Derek Anderson or the coaches or what. Probably a little of both. Also, I think when they told Derek Anderson to "be more like Phillip Rivers," he (of course) totally took it in the wrong direction. Hopefully that's the same Derek Anderson that shows up this weekend.

30.
Cincinnati Bengals

Eh, nothing really new to say about these guys. When it's all said and done, they might end up with Andrew Luck or Cam Newton under center next year. On another note, the Reds re-signed Bronson Arroyo for 3 years and $35 million; good to see they didn't overreact to his contract year. For them, that's like the $30 million the Cards will probably shell out for Pujols. The Cards have to do it to keep an iconic franchise player. The Reds…well…I don't know WHAT the hell they're thinking. At least they have their Kyle Lohse now.

29. Denver Broncos

Goddamn, give me a heart attack whydoncha?!? Fucking Orton is a non-closer. I'll tell you what I would've done—I would've brought Tebow out. He already closed out Bradford once in college. Why not see if lightning can strike twice? Instead, Orton became Chris Long's bitch. Fuck McDaniels with this SpyGate II bullshit, too. If this doesn't prove that the Rams deserved that second Super Bowl, I don't know what would. Ridiculous. Fuck this guy—I hope he gets shitcanned. And no, I don't mean dead drunk by that—I know he does that nightly already. Lucky prick.

28. Detroit Lions

Hoo boy. Stafford is officially a Faberge egg. Actually, buying 14 Faberge eggs probably would've been a better investment by the Lions. I thought Shaun Hill could do well by these guys. Actually, now you hear him in the same conversation with guys like McNabb, Bulger, and (shudder) Jon Kitna for "Guys that Could Be QBing in Arizona Next Year." Yikes—I mean, I thought Shaun Hill was above-average earlier this year, but if you're bringing him in to be your starter, you have serious problems.

27. San Francisco 49ers

Haaaanging around…haaaanging around. Somebody stomp on these motherfuckers' throats already, please? Let's see how well they do at Green Bay this week. Goddamn, I saw a Mock Draft this week that had them taking Ryan Mallet and the Seahawks taking Jake Locker. It was the best possible scenario. Shit, ship Bulger out to Arizona and let's start planning the home playoff game next year in St. Louis. Now if the Cards take Cam Newton…

26. Minnesota Vikings

Ol' Lil' Dick pulled one out of…well…the spot in his pants where his dick should be…this past week. Do I think they're really better than the Deadskins? No. Do I think that they all hated "Walt White" Childress? Definitely. Was this win generated purely by spite? For sure. We'll see if Favre can show that he's a big swinging dick this week. But enough about his texts already. Hey now!

25. Cleveland Browns

This team is a-baarrrring, so I'm going to pull a Simmons and talk about LeBron's…err…"triumphant" return to Cleveland. What I can't believe is that these assholes on the Cavs just acted like their frat buddy that graduated was coming back for homecoming or something—yukking it up and laughing with him at every time out. I don't care if you used to babysit his kids in the offseason or if you used to fuck his mom—somebody needed to hit that asshole last night, and I mean early. If you're the eleventh guy on the team, why not do it? You'd be a God in Cleveland for years to come. Shit, now I wish that I had written this before Thursday. I know the Cavs are big fans…

24. Buffalo Bills

You know what this means—I think the Bills are going to go into Minnesota and beat the Vikings. "Hoo boy, the old man's lost it!", I'm sure you're thinking. Well, these assholes haven't looked half bad in recent weeks. They are even bigger non-closers than the Rams right now, but shit, Fitzpatrick looks like he's going to be a decent enough stopgap for a few years until they can identify their guy at QB and bring him in. Although, wouldn't it be better to just bottom out for a year and happen upon the best QB prospect of his generation? I mean, shit, that's what the Rams did. Sometimes these teams can be so fucking stupid…

23. Washington Redskins

Their rushing leader (some guy named James Davis [quite frankly, it sounds made up]) carried the ball 6 times for 11 yards last week. Shanahan, shit both Shanahans, hate McNabb. Absolutely despise him. They just cannot understand how a guy can't live, breathe, eat, and drink football 120 hours a week. McNabb comes in for his 3 hours of practice a day or whatever…and that's it! No fucking homework, no lifting, just hanging out with his boys and eating Chunky Soup, with maybe a few naps worked in. You know what? I kind of admire him more for that. Sounds kind of like what I try to keep my weeks like. Work to live, don't live to work, I always say.

22. Seattle Seahawks

They got absolutely thrashed by the Chiefs last week. Just killed. Hasselbeck isn't quite as…err…"good" as a lot of people give him credit for. That might be the best trick that master illusionist Pete Carroll is pulling on everyone. I wonder if he just went around USC, trying to impress college girls with all kinds of shitty magic tricks. If you don't think that shit works, please immediately read The Game, by Neil Strauss. It is really required reading for any guy, not only because it's a hilarious read, but there are a couple of useful tidbits scattered inside, as well. Good stuff.

21. Tennessee Titans

Ugh. What a fucking disaster. Tennessee hasn't seen this bad of a disaster since the flood of 1993. And yes, hoosier geographer, I realize that was Memphis and not Nashville. Fuck yourself and go back to huffing meth or whatever it is that you do (just kidding. I know people don't huff meth. I watch Breaking Bad. I'm cool like that). When they get blown out by Jacksonville (for Jacksonville, that's a 4 point victory), Fisher will start to feel the heat a little. It's like someone called the attorney general's office on his used car lot—THE HOUSE OF CARDS IS TUMBLING DOWN, ASSHOLE!!!

20. Oakland Raiders

Eh, I never know what to think about this team. I would stay away from them in Vegas, though, no matter what. They're a total land mine team. This whole division still is. You never know who's going to play QB, or what team is going to show up. Jacoby Ford is going to show up every week, though—that's for goddamn sure. Sometimes it pays to fall in love with the stopwatch. You just need to make sure that the guy has a little shake-and-bake, so that he can at least run routes. Otherwise, you have Troy Williamson on your hands.

19. Miami Dolphins

This team has two aging, ineffective running backs. They have a QB that sounds like he takes it in the ass from random dudes on film for cash. They have an expensive wideout that has been bottled up more than Corona. Their defense, though good, is either too young or too old to be top-notch. And they're still a top-20 team. The 2010 NFL Season, folks!

18. Dallas Cowboys

Huh? Wha happen? How'd they get so high? Well, I'm impressed. Damned impressed. I mean, sure, the playoffs are out of reach. But I'll be goddamned if Jason Garrett hasn't turned them around.

17. Houston Texans

These goddamn Texans—I'm fucking done with them. Matt Schaub does not look like an NFL QB. Shit, he doesn't even look like a guy that could take down that many chicks at the bars in Charlottesville. Which is odd, because I'm pretty sure he did okay for himself there. Huh. Oh well—the point is that he's just a fuck-up. I will go out on a limb and make a bold prediction: Matt Schaub will never win a Super Bowl. If that proves to be true on the day he retires, I will drink a whole bottle of Andre myself. I'm not bullshitting—I've done it before. Somebody remind me four years from now when this guy's out of the league.

16. St. Louis Rams

Crawling back to respectability! Thank God for Chris Long. And no, I didn't ever think I'd be saying that unless I was stranded on a lake somewhere and he used his yacht to save me. He is really coming into his own. He's like Grant Wistrom on steroids…on steroids. Spagnuolo is really not doing his homework on the stepping on throats thing. The cadavers might not be enough. We might need to graduate onto drifters. I hate to say it, but it might be that time. Meanwhile, Steven Jackson finally has turned the corner to full-blown washwoman status. The problem is, apparently the front office has been terrified to bring in another running back because they're afraid it'll bruise Steve-o's ego. I mean, if that's the case, shouldn't we just trade this asshole in the off-season? "Blasphemy!" you all say, I know. But the Panthers were willing to trade a first round pick for Torry Holt at the trade deadline a couple of years ago. We passed, then released Holt after the season. I'm just saying, better to get rid of guys a little too early than a little too late…

15. Kansas City Chiefs

I guess Matt Cassell has been doing a little better than I've been giving him credit for the past couple of weeks. Of course, a lot of that has to do with the performance Dwayne Bowe and the running backs are putting on. Cassell is one of those guys that needs the rest of the team to be firing on all cylinders to do well. Which is fine—I guess you can win a Super Bowl with that kind of QB. Shit, Eli won one against the best team ever, and he barely did shit. Still, the margin of error is quite a bit thinner with these guys—wouldn't mind seeing an upgrade here. Just not before December 19.

14. New York Giants

Fuck this team. Another team I would never touch in Vegas, unless they were playing a can't-miss. Like the Jags last week—that Jags spread outside of 4 idea is one of my finest. This team, though—who knows when Eli's going to pull a 1 TD 3 INT game, or when Bradshaw and Jacobs are going to take a week off. Shit, their top two wideouts are still out. Not gonna do it.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Goddamn it, this is where it starts getting tough. This team still isn't just that much better than…say…the Rams. Goddamn. That would actually be the ideal scenario—the Rams and Bucs make it, with the Bucs at the 5 so we get a rematch in St. Louis. Also, I think I'll go into Bill Simmons mode here for a second: "Jaaash Freeman got hosed last week. He's like a combination of Peyton Manning, Joe Montana, and Steve Young. He's almost as good as Tom Brady! You better watch out this week, Atlanta—he's going to go Michael Corleone this week, and you're Fredo! I'm going to go ahead and announce it—Jaaaash Freeman and I are getting married! Book your reservations to Provincetown this July—Jaaash and I are like Dylan and Donna from 90210! We're meant for each other!"

12. Indianapolis Colts

Another week, another Peyton Manning ass-raping. And he played poorly last week! Hey now! On another note, I've been calling Jim Caldwell "Mike" Caldwell all season. To which I say, be more memorable, sir! Do something on the sidelines! Shit, you don't even have to do that much--blink every now and then, for Chrissake! I hate zombies like this. Fucking undead. They ruin fucking everything. Somebody get Peyton a shotgun already.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars

Way to cover that spread, boys! I look like a gambling genius because of you guys! Unfortunately, YOU HAD TO FUCK UP THAT FUCKING TEXANS GAME WHEN I WAS IN VEGAS, DIDN'T YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! Fuck Jack Del Rio, David Garrard, and the rest of this ass-backward organization. I'm tired of them. Move to LA or London already, dicks!

10. Chicago Bears

I think I, and the rest of civilized society, are just waiting for these guys to come back to earth one of these weeks. There is no way they should be 8-3. Ridiculous. I guess that's why they're only giving 5 at the Lions this week. Cutler is such a fucking unpleasant hoosier. I would never want to live next to this guy—he'd send my property value spiraling down within a week by towing his uncle's car ot his front yard and shooting his rifle in the air to celebrate a successful wipe on the shitter. What a fucking asshole. When this guy came in the league, I thought he would be a game-changer. I didn't realize that it would be by MADDENING GAMBLERS BY THROWING EITHER 4 INTs OR 4 TDs PER GAME!!! FUCK THIS GUY!!! Boy, I'm getting angrier as we go here. Let's hurry up and finish—you wouldn't like me when I'm angry…

9. New Orleans Saints

I'm not totally sold on these guys this year. Brees is throwing too many INTs, Reggie is a mess—I guess his football talent was an STD that he has since passed on to Kim Kardashian. Either that or he went in one of those chambers from Superman II that takes his powers away. And I mean, for Kim Kardashian? Sure, I'm sure she'd be a fun fuck for a while and everything, but wouldn't you get tired of wasting your cash on her after a while? Was it really worth going in the chamber and everything, Reggie? After those compelling arguments that Superman's parents make? I don't know if there's any chick worth doing that shit for. Fortunately, he should be able to trick TO, Ochocinco, and…err…Carson Palmer (?) into standing outside the chamber to steal their…err..."powers" this week…umm…aw, fuck it, I can't do it with a straight face—free win this week, they're 9-3.

8. San Diego Chargers

They looked good in fucking up the Colts last week. Man, what's the term for when you're behind, then you make a late run to surge back to the front of the pack? I think they play it on the organ at baseball games?

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Fucking shaky as hell, Pittsburgh. If Steve Johnson doesn't drop that pass in the endzone, you're probably closer to 15 this week. You are goddamned lucky. Mike Tomlin, you have to take Ben to training. He's bothering all of the hotel guests with his barking and whining at all hours of the night. I know a good obedience trainer,but she likes to let the animals off the leash for a while to see what they'll do. In Ben's case, I imagine he'd run to the nearest bar, down about 15 beers and start…err…"hitting on" anything remotely female. Fuck him.

6. Green Bay Packers

HOW DO YOU NOT GET THAT TOUCHDOWN ON THE SNEAK ON THE ONE FUCKING YARD LINE, AARON RODGERS!!! WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT!!! That said, these guys would scare the living shit out of me in the playoffs. They're the only team that I think straight-up blows the Rams out in the first round no matter what. Sure, they have no running game, but they pass like motherfuckers. Actually, do you need just that good of a running game any more in the NFL if you have a top shelf QB and WR? I mean, it kind of sorts itself out then, doesn't it? It'll be interesting to see how far these guys go.

5. Baltimore Ravens

I can't believe they only could barely squeeze one out against the Bucs. It was like they hadn't eaten fiber in weeks. Just a real rough, "grab the handicapped rails and force it out" one. I think the stall is out of paper now after that one—and they didn't "finish the job," if you know what I mean. Somebody better call the assistant night manager to fix that little toilet paper problem. Fucking Joe Flacco—until he wins in the playoffs, he's on "Rivers probation." All of these assholes that put up big numbers but can't win the big one—FUCKING WIN IT! THIS IS THE SEASON! IT'S UP FOR GRABS! PROVE HOW GOOD YOU ARE!!!

4. New York Jets

Nothing new, nothing old, a whole lotta nothing. Sanchex is going to melt like a candle—I can feel it already. It's a slow burn, too—one of these weeks, he's just going to explode. Actually, I guess that makes him more like dynamite. Or one of those cartoon bombs that Yosemite Sam always tries to light, but can't, because of some goofy shit Bugs Bunny does to him. That fucking Yosemite Sam is such a fucking hoosier. Good thing Bugs Bunny is there to lay down the line. Looney Tunes are totally underrated—I don't know if they're still on Nickelodeon or another channel or whatever, but I blame kids not watching Looney Tunes for the general disintegration of our society over the past few years. How else are they supposed to learn comedic timing and quality bits like "Duck Season! Wabbit Season!" and "Wild Turkey Surprise!" and "Hassan Chop!"? "Spear and Magic Helmet!"? "Alarm Clock in the Lion Pit?" (Okay, couldn't find the last one on YouTube, but it is fucking hilarious—find the episode "Roman Legion Hare" sometime and watch it; very good stuff).

3. Atlanta Falcons

Big win over the Packers last week…at home…relying on a key fumble and last-second field goal…oh well. Same old boring team. I just can't imagine there's anything these guys do for fun, outside of go to church. Shit, Matt Ryan is probably still an altar boy. You know what that means—free wine! Score!

2. Philadelphia Eagles

After that win against the Texans, I think they could take the Falcons on any given Sunday, even in Atlanta. Dog Killer is just too fucking good. And don't look now, but that LeSean McCoy is a pretty damned good running back, too. Again, they should have won that game by about three touchdowns. I guess that's a disturbing trend—why can't they put the finishing touches on some of these early? Still, it has to be disturbing for the opposition; imagine if they ever put it all together. Fucking shit…

1. New England Patriots

They have a long week of rest. Hopefully, Tom Brady was able to get more hairplugs. Did everyone see this, hear about this? Yeah, apparently Brady has been seeing a hair plug specialist recently. And yes, you read that right—that is as reported by SI, via the..ahem…National Enquirer. Is that where we're at, SI? The National Fucking Enquirer? Why don't you just report that I'm fucking Gisele while you're at it? I reported it two weeks ago or whatever—that's about the same reliability. Which is to say very reliable. Sorry, Tom, I guess you got those hair plugs for no reason. Gisele and I are actually doing quite well together. Sorry you had to find out this way, bro. Oh, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Questions? Comments? Wondering how I found all of those weird YouTube clips this week? E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 12

2010-11-27T14:46:00.001-05:00

Holiday weekend? Three games already played? Not much time on a Saturday to get these done? Fuck it! On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

It really was unfair for the Ravens to play these guys last week. It was like watching an SEC team play a Big Ten team—they were just absolutely outclassed in every way. What is mind-boggling is that Brian St. Pierre is starting again this week, but the Panthers are only getting 10 against the Browns. Are you shitting me? Just keep giving away that money, Vegas! The only games I can think of where they beat the spread were against San Fran (won outright) and that weird game against the Saints where they hung with them and only lost by 3. So technically, they're doing better against the spread than they are in the standings. Fuck that. They're terrible.

31. Arizona Cardinals

Who's driving this boat again? You have two guys that don't even want to touch that wheel (Wisenhunt and Derek Anderson), and one guy that's been declared legally incompetent (Max Hall). Larry Fitzgerald would love to drive, but he's out on deck. Larry Fitzgerald wouldn't demand a trade this off-season, would he? Hmm…

30. Cincinnati Bengals

I really hope that Cincinnati just enjoys all of the reality TV shows and celebrity bullshit, because that's all they're getting this year from their $15 million investment in wideouts. Of course, they're burning another $12 million at the quarterback position. It'll be interesting to see if they stick with Palmer one year too late. Who will be available in the 2012 draft? Gabbert? Matt Barclay? Some other mercenary like Cam Newton that comes out of nowhere from a Juco and ultimately costs his school a championship five years after the fact? At this point, you kind of have to let Marvin finish out the year, unfortunately, which probably makes things hell for the players. How can you listen to a lame-duck guy that'll be gone at the end of the year? How many times has Marvin Lewis heard "fuck off" from a player in the past few weeks?

29. Detroit Lions

Goddamn, it was like they were just hosting a clinic for Tom Brady this week. Ridiculous. I've never seen such a shitty group of corners. And is there any doubt who the MVP of this team is anymore? Since Jahvid Best went down with that toe injury, they've gone from being "Best Shitty Team in the League" to "Shitty Team in the League." They even have their best QB out there and everything. And though Larry Fitzgerald has proven that wideouts can't do all of it themselves, shouldn't Megatron be doing a bit more if he really is as awesome as everyone says? Just a thought.

28. Minnesota Vikings

RIP Brad Childress. I couldn't believe what I heard on ESPN this week. After detailing the various problems Childress had with the Vikings, some bullshit talking head said, "But he's going to get another chance to coach in this league, and he'll probably be successful." Uh, what the fuck? Bitch, you cookin'? Now granted, Buffalo or some other Podunk shithole will probably give him another chance, but is there anything on his record that would lead you to believe that he's a good coach? Oh, he made the NFC Championship Game last year. But Mike Martz made a Super Bowl and no one has given him a second chance. And if I had a choice between Mike Martz and Brad Childress as my head coach, I'd go with Martz every day and twice on…err…Sundays. Fuck that guy. Will they get the post-coach-firing bump this week against a mediocre Redskins team? We'll see…

27. San Francisco 49ers

Goddamn the Bucs just came in and popped you bitches in the face, didn't they? Singletary had that stunned, Norv Turner look on his face. To be fair, though, he really has had that same look since he started coaching this team. I think they should be satisfied that his single contribution to the team has been turning Vernon Davis into a good football player and should just move on from there. Fuck this team.

26. Buffalo Bills

Poor Buffalo. I mean, yes, wins are nice and everything, but they're totally fucking up the draft. I bet you guys thought you were penciled in for Andrew Luck, right? Now you'll be "lucky" to get Jake Locker. Ugh. That's the pick that would set this team back five years, so it's probably the pick they'll make. Sorry, Buffalo…

25. Dallas Cowboys

They are getting "friskier," if you can say that about a football team. Still, old Jason Garrett ran out of the magic dust this week. And that's not a metaphor for anything—I think he has probably been living off drugs for weeks now, and simply ran out. He's pulling one hell of a snow job on Dallas (pardon the pun). What's his ceiling as a head coach? I don't think he's a Super Bowl winner. Maybe he makes an NFC Championship Game with them? Shit, for Dallas and Romo, that's basically like winning a Super Bowl at this point.

24. Cleveland Browns

This is probably too high, considering that "Cleveland Browns to start Jake Delhomme" was a news item this week. Still, they're on the "second bye" against the Panthers, and Delhomme obviously has something to prove, so they'll still likely cover. Although, Delhomme is a bit of a choke artist. Fuck, I forgot that. And I can throw a better ball than him right now. WHY AM I TALKING MYSELF INTO THE PANTHERS WINNING THIS ONE?!? THE BROWNS WILL WIN BY 17 NO MATTER WHO'S PLAYING QB!!! OVERTHINK ALERT! Let's move on…

23. Houston Texans

They couldn't beat a piñata right now. Actually, maybe that's what Kubiak spends all of his time on in practice now instead of, you know, drills and plays and stuff. Shit, he probably just throws big Mexican parties every week with mariachi guys, margaritas, Dos Equis, and, of course, lots of piñatas to prove to his players that, damn it, they can fucking beat something! He probably invites the owner, too—HOW THE FUCK ELSE COULD HE KEEP HIS JOB!?!? It has to look bad, though, when Matt Schaub looks like he has a chance to bust one of the fuckers open, but he waves the stick around helplessly like Brendan Ryan flailing at a curveball and comes up empty. I know you like your Mexican parties, Texans, but isn't there a better way to run a team?

22. Denver Broncos

Meanwhile, Josh McDaniels is just throwing a non-stop frat rager in Denver. How else could you explain that horrific showing against the Chargers? Does anyone else think that the "Kyle Orton is a great young QB" talk was a bit premature? I mean, shit, at this point, wouldn't you want to see what Tebow could do? He was a first round pick, right?

21. Washington Redskins

They were lucky that Vince Young finally remembered that he is a borderline Ward of the State again this week. How does a team with no running back, half a quarterback, and maybe collectively 1 ½ wideouts get to .500? Especially in this division? Unbelievable.

20. St. Louis Rams

A SHOVEL PASS?!? A FUCKING SHOVEL PASS??!? ON THE TWO FUCKING YARD LINE?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!? Yes, I realize that it's a young team. And yes, I also realize that they've surpassed pretty much all expectations already this season. Still, they could've easily won a couple of these losses and be 6-4 right now, leading the division. Instead, we just get "almost there," then nothing. 6-10 would be fine with me right now. Hopefully they can go into Denver this week and prove they can win on the road.

19. Tennessee Titans

Goodbye, Vince Young! I mean, I know I joke around about how stupid this guy is all the time, but I mean, did any of us really expect this to happen? Who do you think you are, the Ultimate Warrior? I wouldn't bet on Vince being back with the team. I think the car salesman can talk this owner into anything. He already pulled the old Clark Griswold switcharoo on the owner. Go ahead. Click on the link. You'll be pleasantly surprised. And yes, that was the only way I could find the clip. Oh well…

18. Oakland Raiders

Ouch. What the fuck is with this team? Obviously, when they throw, they're just awful. I don't know if Darren McFadden is going to be a perennial Pro Bowler or anything, but he's a goddamn workhorse. You ride him until he breaks down, much like the Rams have done. You don't want Jason Campbell or Bruce Gradkowski putting the game into their hands. They're like the anti-Allstate. Still, in that division, anyone has a chance…

17. Seattle Seahawks

Fuck this team. What zany motivational tactic will Pete Carroll use to "fire them up" this week? Maybe he's planning on lighting Charlie Whitehurst on fire (and then he'll move on to his motivational trick. Zing!), then put a sheet over him and snaps his fingers and—VOILA! He disappeared. Then, poof of smoke, Charlie's back, unharmed! Actually, maybe Pete Carroll should just switch it up and become a celebrity illusionist. That would be hilarious—let him headline the "new" Tropicana in Vegas, five shows a week. High comedy.

16. Miami Dolphins

Eee—old Taylor Thigpen, not so good, eh? That's the bad part about doing these things after the Thursday night game—I have nothing new to say about the Dolphins. Let's move on…

15. Kansas City Chiefs

The first of the "Good Bad Teams." Matt Cassell is kind of an enigma. By "enigma" I mean "a bad quarterback." Sure, they beat Arizona this past week, but we'll see if they can go into Seattle and do the same. Hopefully they can—that would be nice. If they beat the Hags and the Rams can somehow beat Denver, then who knows…

14. Chicago Bears

13. Jacksonville Jaguars

I am going to keep pairing these shitty teams with good records together until one of them distinguishes themselves. I think Jacksonville is one of the more interesting gambling teams in the league. They're always within 3 or 4 points, right? Of course, this week they're getting 7 at the Giants. That's not a bad little bet, there. Not bad at all. Meanwhile, Chicago has Philly at home. Hopefully Philly exposes these guys for the frauds that they are. If somehow Chicago wins this game, they're going top ten next week. You can bank on that one.

12. New York Giants

Their top two wideouts are out this week. They just benched their starting running back for fumbling too much. Their new starting running back almost killed their quarterback in the preseason. Eli is, well, Eli. They probably should've lost that game against the Eagles by at least 21 points. And they're still giving 7 to the Jags this weekend. Gotta love Vegas!

11. New Orleans Saints

That game against the Cowboys didn't exactly inspire a lot of confidence in these guys. I mean, if a shitty team like that can take them to the mat, what if they catch a bad week in the first two weeks of the playoffs? Drew Brees is trying admirably to salvage this thing, but Reggie looks like a saboteur out there right now, and none of the wideouts are really stepping up. Plus, there are all of the…err…"distractions" that come with playing in New Orleans. I dunno. We'll see how they hold up down the stretch.

10. Indianapolis Colts

That's a tough one to lose against the Pats, Peyton. By the way, he really had his first "what the fuck?" moment in a regular season game, didn't he? Are we watching him start to slip a little? Next thing you know, he'll be calling everyone "Billy" and insisting that the people from the home are stealing all of his shit. Once that happens, how long is it going to take to turn this thing around again? People forget just how shitty the Colts were for years and years before Peyton got there, and there's clearly no team that's geared around a single player more so than the Colts. It's like ripping the brain and spine out of that team, Sub Zero style. And yes, I'm trying to think of a way to liken Mike Caldwell to a headless, spineless corpse, but I really think the image kind of speaks for itself. He even kind of looks like Kano in that video. (Speaking of Sub Zero, if you have 3:30, this is a pretty cool little youtube video. Don't tell me you don't enjoy it…).

9. Tampa Bay Buccanneers

Nice little hatchet job on the Niners last week, Jaaash. Let's go into Bill Simmons mode for a second: "Look out Baltimore—hurricane Jaaash Freeman is coming into town! He's going to impregnate your wives and girlfriends like Tom Cruise in Cocktail! It's gonna be a 134 on the unintentional comedy scale, right behind Tom Cruise running at full speed in All the Right Moves. John Harbaugh will be making the Peyton Manning face for a week once Jaaash is done with him! Bucs 52, Ravens -13—I'll take the Bucs and the money line!" Trust me, listen to his NFL picks podcast once and you'll understand.

8. San Diego Chargers

Wow, that was a quick move up. I guess it doesn't hurt to get healthy and be firing on all cylinders. Unless, of course, you're talking about Yips Kaeding. I think they'd be better off just going for it every fourth down and going for two every time than trusting Kaeding not to piss himself with even a tangentially important kick. He probably cries when he has to hit an extra point to put them up by 7 instead of 6. Then that gets Rivers crying, and Norv really has a mess on his hands. HE ONLY HAS ONE BOTTLE, YOU FUCKING BABIES, SO UNLESS ONE OF YOU WANTS TO SUCK ON HIS SAGGY MAN-TIT, YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK!!! Ugh, you do, Nate? That's fucking disgusting.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Tough call in this slot, but I'm going with the Leash and the Gray Mamba. They still don't have a left tackle. That kind of shit might not matter against the Raiders, but it will against the Jets. I think Tomlin must've taken Roth for a nice long walk before that Raiders game, maybe took him to the park. Of course, unlike most male dog owners, he probably didn't try to use Roth to pick up chicks at the park, but still, it was nice to let the big guy out to get some exercise. See everyone? As Caesar Milan would say, a tired Roth is a good Roth.

6. Green Bay Packers

Thank God somebody embarrassed Childress. It was like McCartman thought Childress was Scott Tenormann or something. Yeesh. Just a really bad spanking. And you know Aaron Rodgers was loving every minute of it. I'd like to think that in that tearful embrace with Favre, Rodgers was just rattling off shit like, "Fuck you, you dirty old fuck. I finally drove the fucking stake through your cold, black heart. Sorry about your tiny dick, bro." That would be priceless! If he did that, give him the fucking Oscar right now!

5. Baltimore Ravens

Way to beat up on the fucking little guy, Baltimore. Jesus, can you imagine fucking Brian St. Pierre, good Catholic B.C. guy, showing up at his home stadium and just seeing the fucking Ravens defense across from him, carrying tire irons and fucking chains and shit to a fucking street fight? Jesus Christ. Maybe Tampa Bay can take them in their own building. Of course, it's equally likely that Josh Freeman will be on IR after this one. Yikes.

4. New York Jets

They're a very deceiving 9-2. They're the kind of 9-2 the Rams could be if like every break had gone their way this year. I guess they finally put away the #30 team this week by a couple of touchdowns, but every game has been so close for them where they barely escape with their asses intact. They're like the neighborhood lothario who goes around seducing other guys' wives and ends up barely slipping out of the upstairs window as the husbands "come home from business trips early" and "decide they just want to stay in and watch a movie." I mean, I can see Sanchez doing that, but Rex Ryan? [BLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH! BLLLLAAAAAAAHHHH! BLLAAAAAAAHHH! Oh God, oh God, I think that's BLAAAAAAAAAH! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]

3. Atlanta Falcons

Matty Ice is the real deal. Their line is pretty fucking good, too. In one of my earlier rankings, I wrote about how there was seemingly a lack of a "New Generation" of quarterbacks in the league. Well, apparently ESPN has provided us with our answer. Thinking about it, you could do worse than Ryan, Flacco, Sanchez, Freeman and Bradford. I do think Ryan and Bradford stand out a bit from that crew, and Freeman is probably right there with them, too. Unfortunately, ESPN's track record with these type of things isn't too great, as this (in hindsight hilarious) article can attest. With Roth, Eli, Romo, Cutler, and Rivers, they basically went 2-2-1, with Eli being the tie. That means that if they go three and two here, they'd be in good shape. What do I think it means? Obviously either Matt Ryan or Bradford is going to become a sexual assaulter. I mean, seriously, though, unless Joe Flacco has a lot of skeletons in his closet (and, I mean, really, he could—have you even ever heard the man give an interview? Me neither. He could be the Wilmington Strangler for all I know), this group of QBs seems to have their shit together more so than that group. Let's hope these guys end up being better than that last generation.

2. Philadelphia Eagles

They really should have won that game against the Giants by more. A lot more. I don't know why they buttoned things up so much in that game—they tried Hail DeSean maybe once, and I don't know if they ever tried Hail Jeremy. So what if they were playing like 3 safeties? YOUR RECEIVERS ARE FAR FASTER THAN ANY SAFETY IN THE LEAGUE! Meanwhile, for once Dog Killer didn't just look like a superhuman the whole game. It's the first chink in the armor. Which is good—if this team makes the Super Bowl, I would root against them pretty much no matter what. Even if they're up against the…

1. New England Patriots

To come back four days after a draining rivalry game and just put that ass-kicking on the Lions is goddamned impressive. Brady looks like he's finally all the way back from that knee surgery. Goddamnit—I hate the fucking Patriots, man. Fucking Belichick and Brady. How can they plug in Ben Jarvis Green Ellis and get rid of Moss and still just keep plugging along? It's like a gigantic Socialist experiment gone horribly right. Obama is probably studying their game tape right now, thinking to himself, "Hmm. How can we adopt this in this country?" And yes, I've turned all the way on Barry. If the Republicans run a halfway-capable, moderate candidate this time, say, someone that has a name that rhymes with "Ritt Momney," I'll vote for them in half a heartbeat. Yes we can? No, we're fucked.

Questions? Comments? Want less politics in your rankings? Fuck yourself. E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 11

2010-11-20T20:25:00.001-05:00

Sorry these are so late (and short) this week, but I was in Vegas at the end of last week and have been sick this week. What the fuck do you care, anyway? This is free, ain't it? Regardless, I am back from the land where people carry $100 bills like they're $10s, and where two hours of sleep a night is considered "sleeping in." On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Seeing that "Tampa Bay -7 at Carolina" on the board at the MGM sports book last week was like seeing a sign that read "Free Money!" What a fucking joke. No running back, no quarterback, shitty wideouts, horrendous defense, John Fox being sponsored by the U.S. Postal Service right now he's mailing it in so badly—where does it end? Don't think that their new coach won't trash the Clausen experiment next year, either. Based on what I've seen this year, I would be absolutely shocked if they didn't take Andrew Luck first overall, assuming, of course, that Buffalo eeks out another win down the stretch.

31. Arizona Cardinals

All I've heard this week is "Poor Larry Fitzgerald." Poor Larry Fitzgerald? Yeah, it would be terrible to be one of the top athlete millionaires in the world where your biggest problems are that no one can throw you the ball and your Bentley needs an oil change. Fucking cry me the Mississippi. It does beg the question, though: where are they going to get a quarterback in the off-season? I mean, shit, unless Washington releases McNabb (which apparently is a distinct possibility based on his contract), they're either going to have to make a deal for a Marc Bulger-type (ugh), or I guess take Cam Newton near the top of the draft. I hear his dad will be asking whatever pro team he plays for to pony up some dough. Actually, if $180,000 is his price, then those negotiations could go pretty smoothly. Something tells me he's not going to stick around at Auburn to see how this one plays out. That said, I could definitely see him as a late riser—I've only seen him play like once and I can tell you he's infinitely better than Locker or Mallett. Shit, he might even be better than Luck. He's one to keep an eye on.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

Oh boy. This isn't good. Maybe they got so wrapped up in the "TOcho" show (or whatever the fuck it's called) that they forgot that there are actual football games going on here. Of course, that didn't stop them from pulling that backdoor cover out of their fucking asses last week. ONE FUCKING POINT! ONE FUCKING GODAMMNED POINT!!! I mean, not like it mattered, but if Indy would've covered and the Rams would've won that game outright, I would be quite a bit richer right now from a nice little four-teamer. This asshole Carson Palmer just has to fuck up whatever he touches, doesn't he? Fucker.

29. Minnesota Vikings

What a fucking mess. Somebody just end this fucking hoosier's career already, please. Favre is an embarrassment. And he's playing poorly! [Ba-doom CHING!]. Seriously, though, I think just about everybody other than Peter King has turned on him by now—the media, his teammates, his wife, and so on. But big ole' Peter King will be there, stroking his hair, giving him a shoulder to cry on, begging for some…err…"texts" from Favre. Man, that's a depressing mental picture. Fuck. Now I'm depressed. Let's move on…

28. Detroit Lions

Well, you went and did it, Lions. You really shit the bed last week, didn't you? Man, it was ugly. Just brown, smelly shit all over the covers and everything. What? Don't fucking try to blame it on the dog! That's fucking low. Do you realize how big that dog would have to be? I think they're really glad that they took Ndam Suh. I mean, who else could lead the defense to a loss to the fucking winless Bills? What a great pick. One final Lions note: they say that Stafford's injury is basically the same thing Bradford had last year, but "not as bad." James Andrews doesn't even want to operate on it. If I were Stafford, I would demand that Andrews give me the fucking Bradford Bionic rubber-band surgery. I think this is going to be the new Tommy John surgery for quarterbacks. Speaking of which, you don't see too many quarterbacks out with Tommy John surgery, right? You would think there would be a couple at any given time—shit, they throw a lot more frequently than pitchers probably, what with all of the practice and whatnot. Sort of odd. Think about it…

27. Buffalo Bills

Finally, they ran into a team shittier than them. Unfortunately, they may have lost themselves the Andrew Luck (or Cam Newton) sweepstakes in the process. Much like the 1972 Dolphins pop some champagne when the last undefeated team goes down, do you think the members of the 2008 Lions get together and drink out of a toilet when the last completely defeated team finally gets a win? Shit, some of those guys are probably still in Detroit. Maybe they were thirsty.

26. Dallas Cowboys

That was some sight in Vegas—seeing how many people bet on the Cowboys and that 13.5 point spread. I can't imagine anyone but the biggest Cowboys homer and/or the guy fixing the game would bet that money line. Not in a million years. It had to be like +500 or so. Dez Bryant looks like some sort of Randy Moss-on-steroids experiment gone horribly right. I mean, he's changing games right now with JON KITNA as his quarterback! JON FUCKING KITNA! I still don't trust guys that leave the "H" out of "John." Except Jon Hamm. I trust Jon Hamm COMPLETELY AND UNWAVERINGLY!!!

25. San Francisco 49ers

You dicks couldn't wait to fuck up my money line bet, could you? I love how everyone is bitching this week about "Oh my God, that game should've been a blowout, they had 3 TDs called back!" Yeah, and they should've had a fourth one called back, too—did you see the 3 O-linemen holding Rams on that last TD? It was ridiculous. They just look like a very, very poorly-coached team right now. Without Troy Smith, they'd be in their customary 30 spot right now. How fucking lucky can you get. Man.

24. Cleveland Browns

That game against the Jets was a fucking crock. That said, they looked pretty good out there. Colt McCoy continues to impress. He's got some of the same intangibles as Bradford, but he's a foot shorter and has a much weaker arm. As Bill Simmons notes, he's a good rebound girlfriend to pull you back up out of your depression. You're not gonna marry the guy, Cleveland, but he'll help you forget about Bron Bron for a while.

23. Houston Texans

Somebody should've warned Gary Kubiak to get the fuck out of there before this thing imploded. If you're a shitty team (let's say…the Panthers), wouldn't you hire this guy after he gets fired to bring you back to 8-8? Shit, that team would be ecstatic to get 8 wins over the next 3 years. I really think they have to ditch Kubiak and actively look for a replacement for Schaub before they'll go anywhere. By the way, did you know that in the 2004 draft, the Rams were ready to take Schaub with their third-round pick, but the Falcons took him the pick immediately preceding it? The Rams settled for Tony Hargrove. It makes you wonder—would we still be stuck with his vanilla, "can't-win-the-even-mildly-important-one" routine still? I think I'd rather sit through a three year stretch of my team going 6-42. I did? Oh, okay. It was all worth it to get a franchise QB, though. Bills, Panthers, Niners, Cardinals, Bengals, Chiefs, Vikings, Browns, Redskins, and Dolphins fans take note: it was all worth it.

22. Miami Dolphins

Who's going to be the first one to bitch that they've already played this week? I'll set a line, if you want…That said, they looked fucking terrible against the Bears. Just awful. I seriously think they'd be better off just running the wildcat exclusively right now with Ronnie Brown in the gun than with porn-named Taylor Thigpen in there. Yikes. It's bad when one of your QBs is a dumb robot that can throw through plywood (but right to the other team), the other is a noodle-armed has-been that should be wrapped in bubble wrap, and the third one sucks, it's not exactly a recipe for success in the AFC East.

21. Washington Redskins

Speaking of has beens—Donovan F. isn't doing too well out there, is he, Skins fans? You would think they would learn this after sitting through god-knows how many years of his shit on the other side. But no. Man. I guess they tried to make the Vito Corleone offer to the Rams at the draft, but the Rams wisely told the Mafia to fuck right off. Wait, that doesn't sound like the right thing to do. I guess Spags is Italian. Maybe he's "connected." Hmm…

20. Denver Broncos

19. San Diego Chargers

18. Kansas City Chiefs

17. Oakland Raiders

I put the entire AFC West together because I really have no fucking clue what is going to happen in this division each week. After that "KC -1" debacle last week, I don't think I'd bet this division in a million years. If you gave me your money to place a bet on one of these teams right now, I think I'd refuse to do it. You've got teams getting blown out by 40 points, then turning around and blowing other teams out by 30. Norv Turner always looks like someone has hit him in the face with a shovel. Josh McDaniels is doing kegstands on the sidelines, win or lose. Todd Haley is bitching like…well…a little bitch. If you don't watch out, Todd, one of your players will start throwing gay slurs at you. Oh, wait, that already happened last year. To be honest, out of all of these teams, I think the Raiders are going to end up winning the division. At least their coach will crack an orbital bone or two when he needs to get shit done. They have the weird rotational quarterback scheme like a fucking SEC team. And don't forget the Pollack kicker, who has apparently shaken the yips. Meanwhile, I think Nate Kaeding's middle name is "Yips." Nate Yips Kaeding. Yeah, has a nice ring to it. The Chiefs are fading fast, and I wouldn't trust Josh McDaniels to wash my car right now. Oakland—bank on it.

16. St. Louis Rams

FUCKING DANIELS FELLS COCK BALLS SON OF A BITCH!!! I had to get that out of my system. The Niners pulled the old Palpatine routine on us, didn't they? (And yes, I realize that I've used that clip before, but I just love it so much…) All these road teams do it to the Rams. They're like the Mace Windu of the NFL. If I were Steve Spagnuolo, I would just practice stepping on throats for like a week before the next game. Start with cadavers, then…well…let's just say "move on from there." On a positive note, Bradford looked in command in leading that game-winning [Daniel Fells note: tying] drive. So that's a plus. They're going to really need to step it up this week against Matty Ice and the Falcons.

15. Seattle Seahawks

When Charlie Whitehurst starts, they're horrendous. When Matt Hasselbeck starts, they're mediocre. Still, over the next 3 weeks (@ NO, vs. KC, vs. Carolina), they might be able to go 2-1. Fuck. At least it gets a little tougher later on for them. Fucking Seahags.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars

13. Chicago Bears

The two bad good teams. They both have middle-of-the-road-to-bad QBs, both good running games, both good defenses (for the most part). I would like to be able to bet against either one of these teams as a wildcard team on the road in the first round of the playoffs. I wouldn't even care if it was Bears at Rams and Jacksonville at Oakland—it would still be the "Free Money!" sign all over again. So what, Chicago beat Miami on Thursday? Jacksonville hits a Hail Mary? How the fuck are these teams staying in the thick of things? These two coaches should be coaching defenses next year. Instead, they'll be staggering to 8-8 again, if that. Somebody step on their throats already! Spags, you want to practice?

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Thank you, Bucs! You just paid for my evening last night! On another note, rumor has it that Bill Simmons and Josh Freeman were last seen on their way to Massachusetts together. What a ridiculous mancrush. I mean, who is stupid enough to have a mancrush on a young QB? Honestly! It's pretty ridiculous. Now Sam Bradford—THERE's a young QB…

11. Tennessee Titans

Hoo boy. Hopefully they're better able to use Moss going forward. I think that my fears may have been confirmed—Vince Young is just too stupid to realize that he has a good receiver on his team. I can just picture Jeff Fisher drawing up diagrams, maybe using some action figures to try to explain it. "So Vince, you understand? You're Buzz Lightyear, and Randy here is Donatello. You, Buzz Lightyear, throw the ball to Donatello here, who pretty much exclusively will be streaking down the sideline." "So Randy is a big turtle? I thought they were slow." <shaking head> "Okay, now Kerry, let's try this with you…"

10. New York Giants

We got no food, we got no booze, we got no jobs…OUR STADIUM'S POWER IS GOING OFF! What a horrendous game that was. These super stadiums are ridiculous. Although, to be fair, the power outage seems like something that would happen at Jerry Jones' stadium, not in New Jersey. I maintain that this team cannot win the NFC with Ahmad Bradshaw as their starting running back. He's just not good enough. Also, apparently Juice Monster receivers can have a field day against their corners—good luck if you make it to the Super Bowl and catch Anquan Boldin in one of his "moods."

9. Green Bay Packers

Something about them just doesn't seem right. Still, against Minnesota, I like McCartman's chances—at least he knows he won't be outcoached. As D'Marco Farr was saying on 101.1 ESPN here on Friday, Clay Matthews may have been born to end Brett Favre's career. That way he can go drive the carpool and text all of the housewives in Tupelo, MS, or wherever he lives. Finish him, Clay. FINISH HIM!!!

8. Pittsburgh Steelers

Injuries, injuries, and New England. Losing your left tackle without a suitable backup can be a slight problem. This Oakland game this week has a really bad feeling about it, one way or another. A playoff team takes care of business here. If they lose, they could be in real trouble, given how the AFC South and East are going. Of course, in any given week, if Ben gets off the leash, they could be done. Do you think Mike Tomlin ever worries about him when he gets off the leash? Do you think he goes around putting "Missing—6' 6" human quarterback. Reward offered for return" signs out around Pittsburgh? Maybe he should.

7. New Orleans Saints

They had a bye last week. Reggie Bush comes back this week. They should win against the Seahawks. (Do you see how dry I could make these if I wanted to? You're welcome.)

6. Baltimore Ravens

What a spicy Thursday night game last week! I had Atlanta parlayed with the over. With like 3 minutes left, I thought I was totally dicked. Thank you, Ravens! They didn't look too impressive to me. Flacco is about to get busted back down to assistant night manager again. Gotta do better than that, Joey.

5. Indianapolis Colts

They…just…will…not…die. By the way, the tight end I mentioned a couple of weeks ago? Jacob Tamme. I know because I FUCKING PICKED HIM UP BEFORE ANY OF YOU OTHER ASSHOLES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, really, though, the injuries are getting to be a bit much. Although as long as Manning is on the field, they have a chance. Shit, they'd probably be okay if he could still coach. I guarantee you that if Curtis Painter gets in there, Manning is still calling the plays. Why wouldn't he? Their offensive coordinator has to have the easiest job in sports. Although, actually, he probably has to kiss Peyton's ass all the time. Now Mike Caldwell—there's a job! Can you imagine his schedule? "9:00-11:45: Nap. 12:00-2:00: Lunch and drinking. 2:00: Pass out at lunch, be made fun of by coaching staff for 'dying again,' then for being a lightweight. 5:00: wake up and go home." Unbelievable. And he gets paid millions for this! Not a bad deal, at all…

4. New York Jets

Mark Sanchez has to be the luckiest man alive right now. Somehow he's considered "clutch" because he can throw a five yard pass slightly behind his receiver. Unbelievable. I would say that I wanted to take a trip to Vegas with him and Rex Ryan, but (1) I think Vegas has taken enough of my money this year already, and (2) we'd get bogged down stopping at every buffet on the strip. We'd still come out behind! How that town can continue to rip my heart out and leave me wanting more, I have no idea. I'm like a dumb chick that likes bad boys, and right now, Vegas is telling me what a bitch I am and how I should get back in the kitchen. "What time do you want dinner, Vegas?"

3. Atlanta Falcons

Thank you, Falcons! Now fuck off! I'm going to the game on Sunday, and it should be exciting. Hopefully the Rams are able to get to Matty. I mean, really, this guy looks like the 22-year old that's in Boy Scouts, then decides to help out with the troop after he becomes an Eagle Scout. Which is kind of creepy, actually. Unfortunately for the Rams, even if they take out Mike Turner, the Falcons' best running back is probably the backup (Jason Snelling). Whatever. Fuck them.

2. New England Patriots

They sure put a pasting on the Pats this week, eh? To be honest, I didn't get a chance to see the game because I was still nursing my asshole on a flight back from Vegas at the time. The Sports Guy says that Brady finally looked like he was back in the saddle, high fiving guys and showing some emotion. Maybe he just likes challenges. Or maybe he found out Giselle was fucking around on him. To which I say, sorry Tom, but she was begging for it—I couldn't help it! Hey now!

1. Philadelphia Eagles

Ugh. I need a shower. This is disgusting. Fucking Dog Killer, Q.B. This is the perfect team and perfect offense for him—two guys that can just run streaks on either side all day, and a QB that either can only throw 70-yard bombs or take off and run for 12 yards every time. Their defense is "good enough." I'd much rather have a good offense than a good defense when it comes down to it. First of all, it puts asses in the seats. Second of all, you can always score more points if you're behind—at least you're in control. If you're a defensive team, and your defense takes one play off, or blows one coverage assignment, you're fucked. This team can just put up points in bunches—with Vick on the field, they look pretty unstoppable. The best defense against them is probably the Redskins defense—put a bounty on Vick and take him out. And you know what? I'm actually okay with that.

Questions? Comments? Notice the clever time-saving device I employed above? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 10

2010-11-10T00:48:00.001-05:00

I would make a joke about how they should rename the league the "No Fucking Idea League," because I legitimately have no fucking idea what's going to happen week-to-week, but that would make it the NFIL and that would be fucking idiotic. So it goes. On to the rankings:

32. Carolina Panthers

Yikes. Now Matt Moore is out for the year. You would think that the "most NFL-ready quarterback in last year's draft" would seize this opportunity and prove what he could do. Instead, he put up a line that looks like this: 8-18 (44%) for 47 yards and an INT. Oh, and by the way, he got benched for Tony Pike. At this point, if they get the first overall pick, they have to dump him like a crazy bitch for the more successful, confident Andrew Luck, right? I mean, if you want to be Brad Pitt, you have to drop Jennifer Aniston if Angelina Jolie, or in this case, maybe around a poor man's Jennifer Garner, comes around, right? Also, I don't know why John Fox is getting so much pub for the Cowboys job opening. I mean, when are these people going to wake up? HE'S GOING TO GO 1-15 THIS YEAR! THAT'S FUCKING SCOTT LINEHAN TERRITORY! Yeah, I want a coach that always tries to get by on the cheap at quarterback. I've seen that dance before. It's not pretty.

31. Dallas Cowboys

Thank God Jerry Jones finally grew a heart and pulled out the old shovel to put Wade Phillips out of his misery. He was crying like a baby while he did it. "Are there gonna be rabbits there, Jerry?" "Yeah, Wade, we're gonna have rabbits and everything…" <THWACK>. Even buried the poor bastard with the thing after he did it. I hope Jason Garrett is happy—he passed up so many coaching opportunities to have a shot at coaching the Cowboys. Well fella, you're going to get your fucking shot now. Enjoy your 8 games.

30. Buffalo Bills

That was your chance, Buffalo. Though if you want Andrew Luck, it might be better to stay off the board—I don't think Carolina is going to sniff another win all season. The next two weeks are their last chances for a while: Detroit at home (at least I think it's Buffalo, not Toronto), and at Cincy. After that, they get the Gray Mamba and the rest of the Steelers at home; that one is not going to be pretty.

29. Denver Broncos

Ugh. What a fucking mess. How did it get so bad so quickly? Two words: Josh McDaniels. My guess is that on the bye, he went back to his old college, hung out at the house, had a few brews with some bros, and maybe took down a couple of slam pieces. Or, as he calls it, Saturday night. Maybe that's his problem. I've been to my share of football games with devastating hangovers, but I'm certainly never in any condition to coach a football game. I usually just pound a couple of beers and am right back on the horse. McDaniels wouldn't do that, right? Right?

28. San Francisco 49ers

Leave it to Mike Singletary—not only is he a former All-Pro linebacker, but he is a current All-Pro Moron. Shit, he might be captain of the team. He apparently is considering starting Alex Smith this weekend against the Rams. To which I say, please do, good sir! Maybe he's just confusing the two Smith QBs. It makes sense—they kind of look alike.

27. Arizona Cardinals

Devastating loss to the Vikings. I mean, they could've ended Minnesota's season and had a share of first place in the NFC West. Instead, they continue to rapidly fade. I hope they beat the Seahags this week—that would assure the Rams of at least being tied for first no matter what.

26. Minnesota Vikings

Goddamn they're lucky. Childress, too—he was about five minutes away from losing his job. I cannot fathom the amount of drugs Brett Favre must be on at this point to be able to stand up, let alone quarterback a football game. I mean, he allegedly has a broken ankle, and certainly let anyone who would listen know so two weeks ago. Either he's on pills and needles, or he was maybe "exaggerating" for effect a little bit. Just like a middle school girl would. Fucking drama.

25. Detroit Lions

These guys just keep finding ways to lose football games. Memo to Jim Schwartz—when your kicker is hurt, you might not want your 300-pound fat fucking defensive lineman to try the extra point. I mean, why not go for two on that one? You're telling me that you have more faith in Ndam Suh kicking a field goal than getting 2 yards with Megatron on a play action pass? Really? I'm starting to wonder about this guy. Matt Stafford might be done. Ask ½ Man ½ Am-Asian—those shoulder separations just get more and more frequent the more you get them. Not good, Stafford. What do they draft this year? A cornerback? O-Line would be ideal, but there just aren't any high first-round values at tackle this year. Oh well. Fuck 'em.

24. Seattle Seahawks

Goddamn, Charlie Whitehurst is even worse than I thought. And I thought he was god-awful. He's really bad. That Marshawn Lynch trade is really working out well for them, eh? I'm sure Pete Carroll has some cute little scheme at practice to get the guys fired up, like when he had LenDale White throw that dummy off the roof at USC, or when he did cannonballs into the pool after practice. I'm sure these guys will love it, Pete. Maybe he'll have Bill Gates and Ichiro stop by and he'll pretend to gun them down with an AK-47 (don't worry—it would be blanks and squibs), then have them mysteriously spring back to "life" halfway through practice after Whitehurst "heals" them. Yeah, that would be great fun! See—this guy can bring people back from the dead—he's our guy! Haw haw!

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

Another team coming off the bye this week. I'm not really sure what you do with a free week in Jacksonville, other than get the fuck out of Jacksonville. Somehow they're favored over the Texans at home—I realize the Texans are underachievers, but come on! Lose to the Jags? It's the Mediocre Coaches Bowl on CBS!

22. Cincinnati Bengals

They fought valiantly against the Steelers, but if fighting valiantly got you anything, we'd all be speaking with British accents right now. Carson Palmer looked awful when it mattered against the Steelers, and, well, that's what mattered. T.O. really got in his face a couple of times, too. He did not look happy. I would be worried if I was Carson. Be careful in the shower. Although I can see Palmer as the type of guy that showers separately from the rest of the team, or at least with a bathing suit on.

21. Chicago Bears

They barely beat the Bills on a neutral field. How this team is 5-3, I have no idea. Cutler is clearly not the answer, and Forte apparently had his nuts cut off at some point. At least he's running like that's the case. Fucking Bears. In that division, you never know…

20. Washington Redskins

I'm sick of all of this McNabb/Grossman/Shanahan shit. I can tell you what McNabb did on the bye—nothing. Absolutely nothing. Probably ate Campbell's Chunky Soup and took like five naps a day. Maybe he booted on Sunday out of habit. He probably ordered a lot of pizza, too. Maybe had some buddies over and got shitfaced. I don't know—whatever a "nice guy" who doesn't really care about football does on a fall weekend. Meanwhile Shanahan was probably pulling 13 all-nighters preparing for the Eagles this week. Now McNabb will pretend like he cares about this game more than the others because he is supposed to, but at this point, I don't think he really does. Whatever. If he doesn't care, then why should I care again?

19. Cleveland Browns

Colt McCoy and Peyton Hillis have reinvigorated this town! Is it just me, or does Hillis really look like a meathead? He could be an honors student for all I know, but he sure looks like a fucking meathead. I think it's pretty clear now that McCoy was the second best QB available in the draft this year. That's not to say that he's definitely going to be a Pro Bowler or anything like that, but he has a chance to be a good NFL QB. That's better than you can say for other QBs that may have been drafted in, say, the second round this past year. The Browns might have a keeper. A short keeper, but a keeper nonetheless.

18. San Diego Chargers

Here they go. The baby and the cuckolded husband are starting to make their run. How do they dig up these guys off of practice squads at wideout? Why can't the Rams be this lucky? Is it just me, or does it seem like there aren't really any good, young, superstar wideouts outside of the Giants and Eagles? Granted, Nicks, Steve Smith, DeSean, and Maclin are great, but still—there should be more, right?

17. Houston Texans

They're right on schedule at 4-4. A solid "C" right now. Not showing off, not falling behind. I'm going to Vegas this weekend, and I wish there was a way that you could bet on things like "Texans will finish 8-8 this season." It's pretty much a sure thing. Fucking Kubiak.

16. St. Louis Rams

Did we really make it this high? My God, average! That's all you can ask from this team at the moment, right? This game against the Niners is going to be big. If they win, they're in the driver's seat in the West. If they lose, it only gets tougher down the stretch. I mean, somehow the Rams are 6 point dogs in this one. Do you think I'm going to bet the money line? Because you're absolutely right—might as well. Once Bradford proves he can win on the road, watch the fuck out.

15. Kansas City Chiefs

What a sloppy, horrendous effort out there in Oakland last week. Just terrible. Matt Cassell does not look like the long-term solution at QB. Something about him that screams "Next Texans or Jags QB." Just a hunch. The wheels are starting to fall off a bit. This AFC West race could get really interesting down the stretch. Stay tuned.

14. Oakland Raiders

Boy, Janikowski really loves flirting with those goal posts, doesn't he? If you'll recall, back in the day, the BlogMogger writers were kind of big fans of a little show called The Pick-Up Artist. According to Mystery, Janikowski is going about it all wrong. He's being way too forward—really being an AFC. He needs to break out a killer gambit, throw it a few negs, maybe AMOG a bit, and kino escalate into a fuck-close of the goalposts, not beg them like a whipped husband for sex. And if you understood what that last sentence means, congratulations, you're as big of a fucking dork as I am.

13. Miami Dolphins

Finally, people are starting to wake up to Chad Henne IIGS. He's an outdated model, folks. He simply doesn't have the hardware capabilities. Being inside his head must be like having the worst GPS system ever. "Scanning. Recalculating. Recalculating. ERROR! LOST SATELLITE RECEPTION! ERROR! FUCKING ERROR!" Now watch while it takes the Dolphins two more years to figure out the same exact thing.

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tough loss against the Falcons. You wonder if a "tough guy" like LaGarrette Blount will let such a crippling stuff on the one affect his fragile psyche. Maybe he starts to think that he's just not a clutch guy. Maybe he starts to question his masculinity and goes a little bit impotent. Maybe he ends up as a bum on the street with a limp dick. Meanwhile, Josh Freeman will be regularly fellated by Bill Simmons. Funny how those things work.

11. Indianapolis Colts

They're just too injured. I mean, Philly is good and everything, but you would think that Peyton could still take care of them almost single-handedly. You'd be wrong. Jeez, maybe this coaching thing is wearing too much on Peyton. Jon Gruden went on Mike and Mike in the Morning last week and basically admitted that Peyton ran the whole practice pretty much singlehandedly. So why are they paying Mike Caldwell again?

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Dog Murderer, Q.B. continues to dazzle the masses. Sure, it's great for Eagles fans that he's become a good quarterback. Good for them. How did it happen? I think that the answer is obvious—prison makes QBs better. It just does. Let's lock up Brady Quinn, Jimmy Clausen, Matt Moore, Alex Smith, Jon Kitna, Chad Henne, and all of the rest of the shitty QBs in the league. They'll get those QB ratings into the triple digits in no time. What could they do (short of dogfighting) to go to jail and get out in a year or so? I guess they could just round all of these guys up, give them guns, and force them to wave them around near cops in NYC. They'd all be picked up in no time, AND they could work out with Plaxico at Attica. It's win-win! The scary thing is there are probably fans from ten teams that would seriously consider this proposition. Scary.

9. Green Bay Packers

McCartman's grand plan was obviously to get Wade Phillips fired. That must have been what he was gearing this season up for. They have a bye this week, so I think he's concocting a pret-eh lit-ul scheme in his spare time. I am eagerly anticipating the conclusion to The Coon trilogy tomorrow night. It should be good—maybe even Imaginationland good. If it sucks, disregard this paragraph.

8. Atlanta Falcons

They're solid, but far from invincible. Kind of a boring team, really. They have maybe the most boring white guy in the league at QB, a methodical, plodding running back in Michael Turner, and a coach named "Mike Smith." Maybe that's not even his real name—he just adopted it because it matched the team's personality. It's kind of like "Robert Paulson" in Fight Club. "His name was Mike Smith." Actually, that would make him too interesting—never could happen.

7. New England Patriots

This is what you get, Patriots! Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you trade Randy Moss? Do you see what happens? <Grabs baseball bat and walks to Tom Brady's Audi> DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, PATRIOTS!?! DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK RANDY MOSS IN THE ASS?!? <Hits Headlight> WHERE'S THE FUCKING VICTORY, BRADY?!? YOU ARE ENTERING A WORLD OF PAIN!

6. Tennessee Titans

Sorry fellas, you lose just by virtue of not having played last week. Let's see what Moss can do this week. I think they have it at Miami this week, but if they lose, they're pretty much fucked in terms of the playoffs. Oh well, then Jeff Fisher can focus on the holiday car-buying rush. Maybe he can get some of those big red bows from Lexus that he can put on cars. And yes, I realize that bow thing is totally fucking obnoxious. It just seems like something Fisher would do.

5. New Orleans Saints

What a fucking gift. Playing the Panthers right now is better than a bye week—it's just a free win, and your backups can get some garbage time minutes against inferior competition (the Panthers' starters), so it boosts their confidence. Now they get their bye, and Reggie might be coming back after the break, so they could be in good shape to get a first round bye. Payton, you magnificent bastard, you just might do it again!

4. New York Jets

It wasn't pretty against the Lions. Shit, you needed that fat fuck to miss that extra point to win. That's…scary. Also scary—the fact that Ndam Suh may actually weigh more than Rex Ryan. <Shudder> Disgusting. But hey, they got the win, right? That's really all that matters. I'm just wondering if they have what it takes to win a Super Bowl. At some point they're going to catch a team in the playoffs that defends well against the run (looking at you, Pittsburgh and Baltimore), and that can just absolutely devastate their offense. It will be interesting to watch.

3. Baltimore Ravens

It's amazing that this team is so polarizing. It all comes down to one thing—do you think Joe Flacco can continue to hit that $15.00 right on the nose when he's pumping gas? Even in the playoffs? You know, maybe his hands get a little slippery, maybe the automatic pump…thing…gets stuck—there are all kinds of things that could go terribly, terribly wrong. Then he'll just be stuck at Assistant Manager, and John Harbaugh will be left to decide whether or not he's really "management material." It's not just Flacco, either. Ray Rice and Anquan have been known to disappear at times, too. I would not want to be the one that picks the wrong week in the playoffs to not show up and then has to deal with Ray Lewis in the locker room afterward. Ugh.

2. New York Giants

Thank you, crazy Giants defensive line! Man, Hakeem Nicks is a hell of a player, right? Where do they dig these guys up? Fucking crazy. They are clearly the class of the NFC right now. I'll admit it, I thought that Tom Coughlin's bullshit was wearing thin on them, but it's still pretty thick. Can't even see his nipples through it. Fucking tease.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

That game last night got a little bit hairy. Mike Tomlin is one cool cat, though. He never looked like anything was bothering him—he was totally in control. I guess when you have to literally babysit your QB every time you go on the road, a football game doesn't seem that bad, does it? I mean, you can't even trust the guy to order room service or go to the john. Literally. It's like having the sluttiest teenage daughter ever, only instead of getting knocked up, Ben could go to jail for this shit. I don't know—they don't have too many options left. Maybe they should just keep him on one of those guerneys like Hannibal Lecter at this point. Maybe he should dress a little better or lose some weight—I mean, Jack Kennedy does the same thing and is considered "charming," but Ben does it and he gets hung out to dry. What a fucking double-standard. Maybe get him some hairplugs and get him talking with a Boston accent. Make him watch The Departed a few hundred times—he'll pick it up. On second thought, I still wouldn't trust him. "I, err, uh, need a err, uh sandwich, Coach. I am as, errr…uh…hungry as a cahcksuckah ovahhh, err…uh…heeya." "Oh, OK Ben, why don't you just call—HEY WAIT A MINUTE, BITCH I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'! NUH-UH!" <SLAP> "DOES COACH TOMLIN LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BITCH?!?" Long story short—it's risky to pick Pittsburgh to cover on the road. Buyer beware.

Questions? Comments? Wondering if I've actually seen The Departed over a hundred times? (It's close). E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 9

2010-11-05T00:15:00.001-04:00

As a Rams fan, I don't really want to talk about the whole Randy Moss fiasco. It's like being a kid on Christmas when you think you're going to finally get that PowerWheels car that you've been asking your parents for for years and years. Shit, in this case, it's like you were counting on using that fucking PowerWheels to get to and from school. Then when you unwrap it, it's a PowerWheels box filled with shit, and your old man tells you, "Merry Christmas. Get a fucking job." Thanks a lot, Spags and Billy Devaney! More on this later. Onto the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

It was not a pretty sight at the Edward Jones Dome last weekend. The Rams made Matt Moore look like…uh…Jimmy Clausen? Especially without DeAngelo Williams, they totally looked lost out there. I mean, really John Fox, this is fucking embarrassing. Why is this guy going to be a big-time coaching candidate again? He made a Super Bowl like 8 years ago. So did Jim Fassel, and now he's coaching in the fucking UFL. Is this what Ken Wisenhunt has to look forward to in 2016? Because after watching that debacle last week in person, he's not even qualified to be Fassel's Defensive Coordinator on the fucking Las Vegas Locomotives.

31. Arizona Cardinals

Boy, this one went sour in a hurry, didn't it? Maybe next time you should put it back in the fridge, Wisenhunt, eh ol' buddy? Max Hall is a disaster. You know it's bad when every pundit is saying (of Derek Anderson, mind you) "At least he's a professional quarterback." Even though these pundits are saying this as though it's fact, which I'm not sure it is, the obvious implication is that Max Hall isn't a "professional quarterback," which is obviously true. I'm not sure, though, that Matt Leinart is a "professional quarterback," either. Which begs the question, WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR PLAN AT QUARTERBACK THIS YEAR, YOU DUMB BASTARD!?!

30. Dallas Cowboys

That this team can even get this high in the rankings is a testament to how incredibly awful the other two teams below them are. I don't think John Kitna has ever been the answer to anything, other than the question, "who is your team's shitty backup QB again?" I don't know what can be said about this team that hasn't been said, other than somebody please fire Wade Phillips already. Seriously, he might try to hurt himself soon if you don't. He looked really, really beaten up after this latest ass-kicking at the hands of the Jags. Keep all sharp objects, belts, pills, whatever—just keep it all away from Wade Phillips.

29. Buffalo Bills

They're probably better than this—much better. Well, maybe not "much." Maybe I overstated things a bit. At any rate, they took a second playoff team to OT last week. Never mind that they pussed out on a 55-yard field goal try to win the game. Never mind that Chan Gailey's offense is stupid and simplistic. Those are coaching issues, easily fixable with the right GM in charge. Still, you have to admire the fight in these guys. They would be right in the thick of things in either West division.

28. Denver Broncos

I guess getting in on Thursday night worked well for you, eh Broncos? Fucking Josh McDaniels, he thinks he's so fucking smart. What the fuck is going on with this team? They look completely lost out there. It's not Kyle Orton. It's not Tebow. Although at this point, maybe you just make Tebow the starting running back. It couldn't be any worse than your "running game" now, and then you wouldn't even have to worry about his throwing motion. Just a thought.

27. San Francisco 49ers

What did I say last week? Goddamn. If I was a head coach, I'd ALWAYS have my team travel on like Wednesday at the latest. You just need time to get acclimated to being off the plane and whatnot. James Laurinaitis was on sports talk radio today saying how all of the Rams' players are starting to wear like full lower-body compression leggings when they travel because they swell up so much on the flight. Aside from the obvious questions I have about steroids, if this is such a big issue, is it really that big of a deal for a team to spend an extra day or two in the city before a game so that shit like this doesn't make a difference? Even Mike Singletary seems to realize this. Of course, now watch him start flying his team in the morning of game day for the rest of the year. Dumbass. By the way, looks like Troy Smith is going to go the Willie Beamon route on us. To which I say, "why the fuck not?" Alex Smith and David Carr haven't really shown anything this year. Give him a chance. After they play the Rams next week, of course.

26. Minnesota Vikings

My God Brad Childress is an awful head coach. Aw, poor baby can't stand when his star wideout (for whom he just gave up a third round pick a month ago) talks about his old team and makes fun of the food the team is serving. That's another thing—when Randy Moss makes cracks about the food, he's crucified for it. When Al Czervik does it in Caddyshack, laughs all around! What's the fucking difference? That this is a "Mom and Pop" operation Moss was bitching about? How the fuck is Moss supposed to know? And what does it matter, really? If it was the Olive Garden, would this be an issue? So it was kind of an ass move to make a big deal out of it, I'll give you that, but I mean, maybe the food was shitty, and he thought he could bond with his teammates over it. Sounds like a bunch of humorless assholes to me. And Mike and Mike in the Morning really got me on this one. They made the point, "well what if it was your wife's cooking that someone insulted?" Uh, these are "professional chefs," Mike and Mike, not "your wife." I find it interesting that you can belittle one "professional" with the perceived "lack of effort" that you see from him (Moss), while he is apparently not allowed to criticize another professional for their perceived lack of effort (in making what he perceived to be horrible food). And before you bring up the manner in which the criticisms are made, you guys also have plenty of talking heads on your network that are very loud and outspoken and make a huge deal about how certain players are playing poorly, so don't get too smug on that front. If anything, all that this bitching by the media has done is make me never want to eat at that fucking restaurant in Minnesota, so way to give them negative publicity. Oh, and now the Vikings are even shittier. Let's move on.

25. Cincinnati Bengals

Ugh. I mean, the Dolphins are good and everything, but ugh. What a fucking fiasco. Marvin Lewis has to come up with a solution for the quarterback problem that doesn't involve a Palmer. I think they're the worst team in their division. Even worse than the…

24. Cleveland Browns

Beating the Saints at New Orleans going into your bye will get you a decent amount of goodwill in this corner of cyberspace, Mangini. Unfortunately, not enough to keep from dropping a spot in the rankings. I can't believe that there's even a discussion regarding who should be the starting quarterback for this team—clearly it's Colt McCoy. Never content to leave well enough alone, though, Mangini apparently intends to go back to Jake Delhomme when he's healthy. Hmm…sounds like someone is getting sick of his job. You know you can just quit, right Mangini? You can just walk away—you don't have to totally fuck this team over on your way out. You know that, right? Just making sure.

23. Chicago Bears

Be careful, Bears. Everyone I know is picking the Bills in this one. Everyone. Me, G Gel Unit, JSugar, my grandma, your grandmas—it's pretty much over. By the way, does anyone know if anyone in the media thinks that Jay Cutler is the next Jeff George? Let's move on…

22. Detroit Lions

Did you guys send a thank you card to Mike Shanahan and D-Mac yet? Rex Grossman, too—he deserves it. That game was totally gift wrapped for you by those three individuals. And yes, I realize that Matt Stafford threw four TDs last week. So fucking what? I'm from Missouri—show me something for real this time. Then I'll start to buy the hype.

21. Washington Redskins

They go here because I think 6 times out of 10 they win that game against the Lions, but they aren't that much better than the Lions. Especially if D Mac is out of shape. Looks like T.O. might have been right, eh naysayers? I don't know if Shanahan did it to make a point, or because McNabb was hurt, or tired, or what. All I know is that the talking heads all say "there's more to this behind the scenes than we're hearing." I just hope it's not as bad as the last time we heard "there's more to this behind the scenes than we're hearing," which is when Delonte West banged LeBron's mom in the locker room during the playoffs and got caught (allegedly). Although I'm not quite sure what the equivalent would be in this instance. I just think that D Mac is a really "nice" guy who really doesn't care that much. That's it. Granted, to a normal football player, that's a pretty big insult, but he doesn't seem to mind, so fuck him. You know things are getting bad when your team brings JaMarcus Russel and J.P. Losman in for anything other than scrubbing toilets.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars

I did a little research on this bunch. The only above-average team that they've beat all season was the Colts at home—and they barely eeked that one out. They also have beaten the Broncos, Bills, and Cowboys. Not exactly murderer's row. They still have at Giants, at Colts, at Titans, and two against the Texans. They also have vs. Cleveland and Washington. The Raiders will be a bit of a wild card for them, though I fully expect Oakland to win. I certainly don't expect David Garrard to duplicate his performance from last week again until two years from now, when he's playing for…you guessed it: Jim Fassel and the Las Vegas Locomotives.

19. San Diego Chargers

I don't get how they pulled one out against the Titans. Everyone thinks that they're going to "make their run" now, but they don't have just the easiest schedule down the stretch. I don't think Norv has any more magic tricks left up his sleeve. He's like some pathetic middle-aged boyfriend of a cougar who tries to "dazzle" his date's kids with the quarter-behind-the-ear trick like 8 times in a row. At some point, they want to see a new trick. (As an aside, how many times have I used the word "pathetic" to describe Norv Turner so far this year? I'm too lazy to go back and check, but it has to be a lot. Fucking Norv Turner. Maybe if he didn't always seem like a cuckolded husband or pathetic divorcee and/or virgin, I wouldn't have to be so fucking harsh. Oh well…)

18. Seattle Seahawks

Boy oh boy, the Raiders really bloodied them up a bit last week. It doesn't get any easier this week when the Giants come to town. If you all hadn't noticed yet, the Giants have a bit of a reputation for headhunting QBs this year. Hasselbeck had his bell rung a bit last week, so he might miss out. For his sake, I hope he does. If not, he'll have Justin Tuck standing over his twitching body, yelling at him, "Game over, bitch!"

17. St. Louis Rams

They took care of business against a clearly inferior team last week, which is a step in the right direction. I mean, when was the last time anyone could say that about the Rams? 2006? That's a plus. The only problem was that Bradford had to be just about perfect to do so, and they still only beat the Panthers by ten. I'm also curious about what turned them off to Randy Moss. It seems like the front office is a little scared. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? This guy could be wearing water wings and one of those duck buoys like Plucky from Tiny Toons (whenever Plucky went swimming), and screaming an incomprehensible combination of bible verses and curse words 24-hours a day for all I care—as long as he still does it during a 64 yard touchdown catch, I don't think the team would have a problem. The league, maybe, but not the team. No, the only two ways that he really could have "ruined" this team would have been (1) he puts on 100 pounds over the next eight weeks and trains with Freddy Roach. Toward the end of the year, he calls out Bradford in practice and challenges him to a boxing match and just beats the ever-loving shit out of him; or (2) he sneaks into Bradford's room on the road while Bradford's asleep, throws a pillow case over his right elbow, and starts hitting it with a hammer. Short of that, what could he do that would be so terrible? Bitch at Bradford? I think Bradford already has earned the right (and maybe more importantly has the wherewithal) to bitch right back at him. It just seems like the front office is playing scared on this one. If I've learned one thing through the years, it's that you never win playing scared.

16. Oakland Raiders

This is suddenly an intriguing team. Really intriguing. I don't know how they blew out both Denver and Seattle in consecutive weeks. Oh wait, that's right, they're both fucking shitty. Well, still, impressive wins, fellas. Keep it up.

15. Houston Texans

That was not a pretty game on Monday night. Just terrible for Schaub. I mean, every year, they either start fast and end slow or start slow and end fast. Mind your pace, Kubiak. Although what good would that be for them? They would just go "Win-Loss-Win-Loss-Win-Loss…" on their way to 8-8? Do they think that somehow Kubiak is going to become a better-than-average coach one season, all-of-a-sudden? Uh, not in this division. It reminds me of when the Chiefs went 8-8 for like 5 years in a row in the 90s—at some point, you need to either get better or you get stuck in limbo, drafting in the middle of the first round, never doing well enough to go far in the playoffs. Pretty soon, you gotta scrap this one if you're them. Just shove it in the ol' garbage can. Go ahead. No one's watching. I'll even be the lookout for you.

14. Kansas City Chiefs

They're getting a little too much love for the "surprise team of the year" this week from the people that are starting to hand out midseason awards. I mean, they had to go to OT to beat the Bills last week, right? Am I missing something here? How was Todd Haley being called every name in the book last year by his players, and now is one of the "up-and-coming" coaches in the league? It's amazing what two former Belichick assistants and his former GM can do for you, eh Toddy boy?

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Let's just say that when you barely beat the Cardinals by 3, you aren't going to inspire a lot of confidence in me. The Sports Guy has a huge hard on for Josh Freeman. Enormous. Well, at least as big as it gets for him. Okay, semi-respectable. At best. And that's on like 3 Viagra. Let's see what they do this week against the Falcons before we anoint them King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

12. Green Bay Panthers

Hey now, McCartman! That was some game you all pulled out, wasn't it? I just heard a replay of him on Mike and Mike on my way home. All he could say was, "You guys! Seriously! You guys! You Guys! Seriously! Yoooouuuu Guuuuyyyys!" Seriously, though, you guys, I think this season of South Park has been pretty solid so far, right? This current (three?)-parter is pretty fucking fantastic. Though it is troubling why an NFL head coach would go around with Cthulu, dressed as a weird Raccoon-Human Hybrid, but hey, whatever floats your boat, big Mike. After that staunch victory last week, they get a gift-wrapped "W" this week against Dallas. If they go 6-3, does another team in that sorry division have a shot at catching them? That's what I thought.

11. Philadelphia Eagles

They got to nurse their wounds a little bit last week on the bye. Anybody think Andy Reid rounded up the old family and took them out for a nice couple day vacation? You know, maybe a camping trip or a nice excursion to Disney World? Me neither. Although that is a pretty hilarious image—Andy Reid, with hilariously fat shorts, the way-too-expensive-for-the-pictures he's taking camera on the camera strap around his neck, the long white socks pulled all the way up while wearing a pair of golf sandals, and the fucking mouse ear hat on, guiding his wife, who he probably hasn't seen in weeks, and his two junky sons through the Magic Kingdom. He'd be barking orders, and at least one person in the group would always be thinking "man, I just want to get high"—and then there's what his sons would be thinking! High comedy!

10. Atlanta Falcons

Another bye week team. Jesus, how many fucking teams were on a bye last week? Ridiculous. And if they go to 18 games, we have to endure this shit twice a year? Ugh. I don't know what to think of this team. Michael Turner has to break down one of these days, doesn't he? He just is not this healthy. Jesus, now it sounds like I'm making him out to be some kind of old man or something. Actually, his "true age" is probably like 50, which makes what he's doing even more impressive.

9. Miami Dolphins

4-0 on the road, 0-3 at home. You know what that means—these guys need some strange road trim in order to play well the next day. Miamians, for the love of your team, please tell the Dolphins' wives to fuck off the night before a home game, ok? You'll be doing the team a huge favor. Except for Chad Henne—the scientists still haven't ever taught him how to love.

8. Baltimore Ravens

What did these guys do last week? Oh yeah, that's right, ANOTHER FUCKING BYE!!! Christ. I don't even know what to say any more. I guess I could go with another gas station analogy for Flacco. Ugh. How fucking tedious. Blah, blah, blah, he's pumping gas well, blah, blah, blah, where is Ray Rice?, blah, blah, blah, crazy old Ray Lewis…need I go on?

7. New York Giants

G Gel Unit and I had a fun time this week discussing what fucking nuts the Giants' D-Line must be. I mean, they're all total headhunters, and absolutely love to knock guys out. Aside from Justin Tuck's "Game Over, Bitch!" while standing over the QB, we imagined that Jason Pierre-Paul just does all kinds of crazy backflips and spin moves while yelling out, "A button! X button! Trigger!" These guys apparently found Spags' defense from two years ago again. It's like the fucking Ark of the Covenant for them. Or maybe it's just that Osi Umenyora is healthy again. I prefer to go with the crazy scenario and Ark of the Covenant idea, but hey, whatever you want to think, Giants fans.

6. New York Jets

Fucking embarrassing, Rex Ryan. Just pathetic. And you lost to the Packers last week! Hey-oh! Too bad McCartman re-discovered the way to beat you: take away the running game and force Sanchez to make plays. Oops. There it goes again. Me and my big fucking mouth. Oh well.

5. Indianapolis Colts

Manning, at home, at night, against the Texans—should've seen this one coming. Hopefully they cleared out the Texans' bandwagon with that one. Unfortunately, no one else seems to remember how fucked they are on the injury front. Everyone thinks either 1) this new tight end is great, or 2) Dallas Clark is overrated. Guess what? You're all wrong! The correct answer is that this tight end had no tape on him before, so teams were not game planning for him. Once teams account for him, then he'll be forgotten more quickly than the oil spill in the gulf. And yes, I AM to lazy to look up the guy's name. Fuck him—he's just some dumb meathead anyway.

4. New Orleans Saints

Gutsy, lucky win against the Steelers, Saints. Though it did finally look like they belonged on the same field as an elite team. I think they have to be the best team in a weak NFC right now because they've done it before. Maybe with Reggie coming back they can step up and knock some fucking heads around. Now watch them lay down at Carolina this week faster than Heath Ledger.

3. Tennessee Titans

What a coup! I guess someone's buying the undercoat, eh Jeff Fisher?!? Which one of your sales guys gets the trip to Hawaii? Huh? You can tell me. I think it's amazing that the first thing Chris Johnson said after the Titans got Moss was "Gonna get that safety outta the box now!" Uh oh. This does not bode well for other teams in the AFC South. Christ, and they even have a bye this week to bring Moss fully up to speed. And I bet these guys would laugh if he criticized the food—shit, he might even start a good-natured, team-bonding food fight! The one thing I worry about is that Vince Young might actually be too dumb to realize that he needs to throw the "Hail Randy" a couple of times a game. Although even Daunte Culpepper learned how to do that. And you know where he is now? You guessed it…Quarterbacking for Jim Fassel on the Las Vegas Locomotives. (Well, not exactly. Apparently he plays for a team called the "Sacramento Mountain Lions." It's never a good sign when your league's team names sound like some asshole teenager came up with them while using Madden's "Create-a-Team" feature. Also, did you realize that they televise the UFL on HDNet? I know, pretty awesome, right? At least it's funny to watch the QBs, nearly all of which are former NFL guys. OK, I'll shut up about the fucking UFL already! Goddamn, fucking spoil sport!)

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

Thanks a lot, Heath Miller! What a fucking asshole! Does everyone see this fucking asshole?!? What a fucking asshole! It's not panic time yet, Steel City, as you get a lay up against the Bengals this week. If they somehow lose that one, though, they play the Pats on Monday Night, so this thing could turn ugly in a hurry. If they win both, then maybe Ben will go out and celebrate the only way he knows how—trying to force himself on an unwilling woman while riding a motorcycle without his helmet on. (Almost forgot about the motorcycle thing, didn't you? It's pretty amazing when "barely surviving a motorcycle crash while not wearing a helmet" is the third stupidest thing that has ever been publicized about someone).

1. New England Patriots

I find it funny that one of the reasons Moss gave for being upset was that the other Vikings wouldn't listen to him when he was trying to sell out the Pats and all of their plays. Well, look what it got you, Vikings? Maybe you should have listened to ole' coach Moss instead of Coach Walter White, eh Vikings? The bottom line is that your sad devotion to that ancient child molester didn't give you the foresight to see that Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis run, nor the clairvoyance to…oh, goddamn it, I'm slipping back into Star Wars lines again. By the way, in that scene where that lower-down is bitching out Vader about his "sad devotion to that ancient religion," he does realize that he's making fun of the guy in charge, too, right? Also, I was thinking about it, do you think that after the Empire fell, they created holidays for some of the big events in the movies? Sort of like our 4^th of July, only it would be called "Wedge Antilles Day" or whatever? Would they celebrate "Luke Skywalker's Birthday (observed)" or "Alderaan Day?" Makes you think a bit…okay, ow, stop it. Seriously, don't fucking hit me again, or I'll…FUCK! OW! IT HURTS! MOMMY! MOOMMMMMMYYYYY!!!!

Questions? Comments? Wondering how I can possibly be such a nerd AND a blogger? E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 8

2010-10-30T01:22:00.001-04:00

I bet you assholes thought I was going to sandbag you this week, didn't you? You sons of bitches! Jesus, I'm one day late and you all freak out like it's your fucking girlfriend. Unbelievable. Bunch of jackals. On to the ratings.

32. San Francisco 49ers

Christ, how do you lose to the fucking Panthers? The Panthers! Shit I think they were a week away from giving Chris Weinke a call. How Mike Singletary is keeping his job is the greatest mystery in the world. Actually, no it's not. He probably just scares the shit out of their President, Jed York. Singletary's probably been called into York's office five times by now, and every time York probably gives himself the same pep talk in the mirror, "Okay Johnny, this time you're gonna do it—you're gonna tell that piece of shit Singletary he's fucking gone!" Then Singletary comes in, and he's like, "uh…just wanted to tell you you're doing a great job, big guy! Keep it up!" Christ—CALL FUCKING SECURITY ALREADY, YORK! MAN UP AND SAVE YOUR TEAM! Some people…

31. Buffalo Bills

They almost beat the fucking Ravens. Fitzpatrick is kind of a mixed blessing. I mean, it's good for them and a bunch of fantasy players that he's putting up big numbers this year. Unfortunately, his play could keep them from taking Luck in the draft this year, which would kind of be a shame. If the Rams taught us anything this year, it's that if you think a QB is your guy, you just stay put and take him. I mean, does anybody think that Fitzpatrick is going to lead the Bills to a Super Bowl? OK, maybe his wife. Still, I mean, Jim Kelly couldn't ever win them a Super Bowl, and he had four fucking tries! You think this snotty Hahhhvahhhd asshole is going to do better than Jim Kelly? Please.

30. Carolina Panthers

Way to go beating the Niners. Although, the way this team was going, I wasn't sure that they were going to win a game all year. Now they get to face a really banged up Rams team. Hopefully the Rams handle them, but I have a bad feeling about this one. Then I remember that John Fox is practically daring the owner to fire him so that he can interview for other coaches' jobs in-season, and I don't feel so bad.

29. Dallas Cowboys

Wow. Just wow. Did anyone else hear that slurp job Jon Gruden did on these guys during Monday Night Football this past week? I mean, keep it in your pants, buddy. He has such a hard-on for this coaching job, it's ridiculous. And you know what? Gruden is the kind of kick in the ass this team might need. The man absolutely cannot evaluate talent, but goddamn if he can't elevate a good group of players to become great. I mean, the man won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson as his QB. That pretty much says it all right there.

28. Detroit Lions

Christ, I don't know. I really still am at a loss regarding Matthew Stafford. Am I missing something big here? What has this guy done? Is this the guy you want as your QB? With his off-field habits, he makes Mark Sanchez look like Peyton Manning. Sure, Jahvid Best is good and Megatron can pull 'em in, but I think Stafford is the weak link. Fortunately for him, there are 42 million reasons why he gets two more years after this year to turn it around.

27. Denver Broncos

Something just went horribly, horribly wrong with this team last week. Just awful. How do you give up 59 points? To Oakland! I hate to say it, but I think that they're going to be 2-6 after this week. The reason? The Niners flew straight to London after their game against the Panthers. They've been working out there all week, getting used to the time zone and whatnot. The Broncos? They got in Thursday night. One of their players said something like, "We just have to get adjusted to the time, and we got two days for that!" Uh, hate to break it to you, buddy, but when I go to Europe, I don't even shit for three days. You think you can adjust from Pacific time to London time in two days? It's like a ten hours difference! Not good…

26. Jacksonville Jaguars

Even with David Garrard back, this team just doesn't seem very good to me. I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless. They're so bad they've left me speechless. No QB, no WR, shitty lines on both sides, maybe some ok guys on defense, but nothing too great. Awful coach. Just terrible. "Let's hire the first fucking meathead that walks through the door!" This is the same coach that once used a "motivational technique" that resulted in his punter PUTTING A FUCKING AXE THROUGH HIS LEG!!! And yes, you read the date on that article correctly. Jack Del Rio has been coaching there since 2003! Shit, give me a couple of years to shadow a head coach and I'll do a better job than this fucking gorilla. Ridiculous.

25. Arizona Cardinals

What happened to Max Hall?!? I thought he was the next Kurt Warner? Oh, wait, he has neither the arm strength nor the accuracy to be an NFL QB? It was just Ken Wisenhunt's way of trying to act like he could pull one over on all of us? "Wisenhunt you magnificent bastard, you just might do it yet!"

24. Minnesota Vikings

I am sick and fucking tired of this fucking soap opera. I've come to one conclusion—Brett Favre has the psyche of a middle school chick. Think about it—all of the coy games about "will he or won't he return?" every year, doing anything to get the attention of the media, sending pictures of his...err…"penis" to members of the opposite sex. Pretty soon he'll be flirting with the coaching staff and blowing all of the popular boys behind the shed. And, I mean, around Brad Childress, I wouldn't go teasing him too much. Pretty soon old Brett will have an Amber Alert out on him while he's chained up in Childress's basement. By the way, for all you Breaking Bad fans out there, isn't Brad Childress basically the same guy as Walter White, but with the added…er…bonus (at least from a comedic standpoint) of obvious pedophilic tendencies? Could anyone but Bryan Cranston play Childress in "The Brad Childress Story"? Can you imagine a worse movie? Let's move on…

23. Cleveland Browns

You better get down on your pitiful knees and thank God every fucking day for Colt McCoy, Mangini. That little prick is going to be the salvation of this franchise. And I mean, hey, if the little fella can see over the line well enough to deliver the ball, then more power to him! The only problem is, even with McCoy, they're just "okay" in a lot of places, especially RB and WR. I mean, the only pro-bowler they have on their team is Joe Thomas right now, right? They need to seriously upgrade the top-end talent on this squad.

22. San Diego Chargers

The Pats should've beaten them by about 30 points. I mean, really, this team is not very good. Norv Turner is clueless as a cuckolded husband, while little girl Phil Rivers is prone to throwing the odd…err..frequent tantrums. The bottom line is that, rightly or wrongly, Rivers is going to be around for a while, and Norv will be gone by the end of the year. By the way, is Ryan Matthews the "off-the-radar" story of the year? People were spending $35-$40 on him in auctions before the season, and now he's losing carries to a fullback! Is this guy really going to bust out as a first round RB? Uh…yeah…yeah I guess he is…

21. Cincinnati Bengals

Ugh. I hate that they made it this high. Really, I do. Just fucking blow it up already. You have two old wideouts, a cast-off running back, and a QB that only puts up big numbers in garbage time. I don't even know where to start. I would say "their window is closing," but, 1) it closed a long time ago, and 2) did they ever really have a window? I guess maybe they had a shot that one year where the Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl, but that asshole D-Lineman for the Steelers (Kimo Van Oellhoffen, if memory serves) rolled Carson's knee like a Star Market in Milton. That was it, right there—Carson was never the same after that, and the window was closed. Too bad. Oh, wait—actually not.

20. St. Louis Rams

Actually they're trending downward this week. Denario Alexander is out 2-4 weeks with a knee injury (yes, the bad knee), and Jason Smith just got his second concussion…in practice…and he took like 8 weeks to come back from the first one last year. Fuck. I mean, there have to be better options out there at WR than Brandon Gibson and Laurent Robinson, right? These guys routinely look lost out there. I don't know, there has to be an Antonio Bryant type out there, right? Who gives a shit if he fucks up his knee—"you ride her 'til she bucks ya', or you don't ride at all," am I right? Christ, just keep Bradford healthy, OK? After last week, I'm not expecting us to win the division, but keep Bradford healthy, for Chrissake!

19. Oakland Raiders

Holy shit. Just, wow. Darren McFadden is finally finding his footing, isn't he? That being said, let's not go sucking each other's dicks quite yet, fellas. Gotta figure out what to do with that QB situation against non-AFC West teams.

18. Chicago Bears

"Jay Cutler is the new Jeff George!" Oh, sorry, I thought that would get me in good with EVERY FUCKING MEMBER OF THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA! Fucking dickheads. I guess nobody realized that, though Cutler can throw a ball through a marble slab, he's not necessarily the sharpest knife in the drawer. Martz's system requires an intricate system of reads at the line by both receivers and the quarterback. In other words, something other than, "Durrrrr, just run that there route out thar' and I'll find ya'!"

17. Seattle Seahawks

Goddamn they have an easy schedule. Though it is eerily similar to that of the Rams…oh well. Fuck it. I'm not really sure how they keep winning games. Let's take a look at the next few weeks. At Oakland (push), vs. Giants (loss), at Arizona (win), at New Orleans (probable loss), vs. Kansas City (push—because of home field). The shitty part of that—I think they'd take 6-5 going into Week 12 in this fucking division. What a fucking crock.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Not impressed at all, Bucs. Just terrible. You're lucky that "Fat" Josh Freeman was able to run that two-minute offense so well against the Rams. But you know what? He fucking did it. Raheem Morris seems to legitimately believe that they're the best team in the NFC. If that's the case, it looks like the Rams will also have home field throughout the playoffs. I think the real reason for the turnaround is that they cracked down on all of the titty bars down in Tampa this past off-season. You didn't hear that? Oh yeah. Now, true, Bucs fans (all three of you), it helps the team keep focus during the season, but do you really think that players will want to come there as free agents knowing that there's a "Six Foot Rule" in place? You really think that all of these asshole baseball players come to St. Louis because "it's a good place to raise a family?" Please.

15. Green Bay Packers

You guys were lucky to get Minnesota last week. Really lucky. The Vikings have some old, limp-dicked, small-dicked middle school girl throwing the ball for them right now, and a fucking pedophile as a head coach. And still, old McCartman could only beat them by 4 points. I apologize if I ruined your season by pointing out that your head coach bears an uncanny resemblance to one of the most evil-yet-side-splittingly-hilarious cartoon characters of all time, Green Bay, but consider it a public service so that you can hire a ral coach next year, like…well…I'm not entirely sure who's available. You probably won't get a Bill Cowher or Jon Gruden because 1) Money talks and bullshit walks, and 2) who the fuck really wants to live in Green Bay anyway, am I right? Still, you better start lining candidates up now—best to get a head start on these sorts of things.

14. Miami Dolphins

They would be higher if they EVER RAN FUCKING RONNIE BROWN! I mean come on, you fucking cocksucker Sporano. I mean, at least let him throw the ball in the Wildcat. 8-8 ain't gonna cut it in the AFC East this year, and I'd be worried about handing the reigns over to old QB IIGS. Goddamn, if you're the Fins, how long can you continue this Henne charade? They haven't had a good QB since Marino. If I remember correctly, that was 1999! You've had a decade! Fucking figure it out already!

13. Houston Texans

I just have absolutely no faith in this squad at all. Just call them the Catholic Church (ba-doom-ching!)! Seriously, though, I don't think I could ever bring myself to bet on this team. Even if they were facing the Niners at home in a pick 'em. I'd get that weird feeling like "wait a second…is Kubiak gonna throw this one, or what?" I can never trust a team that I wouldn't bet on. I just can't. Call me a degenerate gambler. That's fine. It's not like G Gel Unit and I have started making side bets on NBA games just to make the season somewhat interesting. Plus, that way you avoid the vig. It's not too bad at all.

12. Washington Redskins

Another team hat just seems way too high. They sort of made it here by default. Which is fine—that's probably how five of the six teams will make the playoffs in the NFC this year. I get it. But still—they really have no running game (Ryan Torrain my ass) and a bunch of wideouts born during the Nixon administration. Their QB is pretty clearly on his last legs. But you know what they do have? Fucking Brian Orakpo. That motherfucker has 7 sacks already. Goddamn! He is electric. Chris Long has certainly improved lately, but this asshole can rush the passer! Yeeeee haw! Still, they would be around 17-18 in any other year.

11. New Orleans Saints

Pitiful. Fucking pitiful. You're only this high because I still believe in Drew Brees and Reggie is coming back at some point. And if those aren't some thin straws to hold onto, I don't know what are. I know Bill Simmons made a big deal in his NFL podcast this week about how Brees had a kid last week, so he probably was dealing with that shit. To which I say get a fucking nanny, sir! How much are the Saints paying you again? Oh, okay. All I know is, that's no excuse to lose to the fucking Browns at home. Shit, Antonio Cromartie has a new kid every other week—where do you see the Jets in this poll? That's what I thought.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Another team that got SMAAOOCCKKKED down last week by a superior AFC team. Now, granted, the Titans are legit. I've been saying so for some time now. But there's no reason to get embarrassed by them. This further muddies the old QB controversy between Kevin "Inconsistent" Kolb and Dog Killer, Q.B. Do we really expect Andy Reid to work this one out? I mean, I can barely see him being able to figure out how to pay his electric bill, let alone decide what QB to use. I can imagine the conversations he has with his wife, "Honey, the gas people called, they said that they're going to shut off the gas if you don't pay the bill." "Uh huh." "And the IRS called—we're being investigated for tax evasion." "That's nice." "Also the kids are on heroin." "Mmm hmm." "No, seriously, you fat fuck, THE FUCKING KIDS ARE ON HEROIN!" They could make a sitcom out of it. "Making the Right Reid." "Extra, extra, Reid all about it!" "Reiding Rainbow." The possibilities are endless!

9. Kansas City Chiefs

Matt Cassell has actually been…well…"not terrible" the past couple of weeks. We might be looking at a playoff team here, folks! So this is what happens when you put two top-fifteen backs on one team? Huh. If the Chiefs can get here this year, then the rams can't be that far behind, right? Mwa haha. Mwa hahahaha. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

8. Indianapolis Colts

Wellity, wellity, wellity, it looks like somebody finally was finally bitten by the injury bug. It fucking hurts, doesn't it? It really gets in there and starts swelling up, huh? Oh my God, I had no idea it could look that bad. You know, you guys might want to get to a doctor or something. Do you know if you're allergic? I'm just saying, the Rams get bitten by those things all the time and it never looks like that. I mean, sure, there's some swelling but more like a really bad mosquito bite, not an infected, pus-riddled cancerous tumor. You should really get that checked out. Gross.

7. Baltimore Ravens

My God, the fucking Bills took them to the mat. If the Bills didn't buy the old Palpatine routine, they could've actually offed these fuckers. Flacco just keeps pumping that fucking gas like a pro. Now I see why they gave him that service station job in the first place. He is right on the fucking money every time. He is a superstar in the world of gas pumping. Of course, when dealing with semi-retarded high school kids and the elderly as competition, I think he has a leg up. Still, impressive. Most impressive. I just think that on the wrong week, even a mediocre NFC team could take these guys. For those keeping score at home, that's not good.

6. Atlanta Falcons

Like pretty much every other team in the NFC, great at home, questionable (at best) on the road. What should these teams do differently to play better on the road? Should they get into town earlier in the week? Maybe tell the team to disregard those local strip club coupons that I…err…the local visitor's bureau passes out to their rooms? I don't know. I'm fucking clueless on this one. Any thoughts?

5. New York Giants

This is the best the NFC has to offer? Really? Some dumb hick QB without a running game? I guess it helps when you have TWO FUCKING RECEIVERS THAT CATCH TWO TDs EACH EVERY FUCKING WEEK! FUCK YOU STEVE SMITH! I HATE YOU! I HAAAATTTEEE YOUUU! I mean, if they keep running the table in the NFC East, the more power to them. I just think it's not going to be as easy as everyone thinks.

4. Tennessee Titans

I love how the Titans are getting the media backlash this week after beating the Eagles by 18 points or whatever. On Mike and Mike in the Morning, I think both Golic and Schlereth said they think that the Titans "aren't as good as everyone thinks." Uh, fellas, who exactly thinks that they're that great? To the outside observer, they have a moron for a QB, a couple of wideouts that like to get in trouble with the law, and a shyster used car salesman as coach. They do have an All-Pro running back, but he seems to have forgotten the All-Pro part recently. They just have a great defense, and I mean, hey, sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. So fuck y'all.

3. New England Patriots

Another team that is somehow "overrated" in the eyes of the mainstream media. Overrated compared to what other team? These guys are 5-1 in one of the toughest divisions in football. They thoroughly outplayed the Chargers last weekend, and probably should've won that game by 30. Now, granted, their inability to step on the throat on that one is very un-Belichick-esque. Shit, I imagine if he was ever involved in a war, Belichick would go around stepping on the necks of his allies for absolutely no reason, other than to show everyone else in his platoon what an asshole he is. That said, they're 5-1, and Brady's castration isn't affecting the team…yet. I still think they're going to miss Moss in the playoffs, but until then, carpe fucking diem.

2. New York Jets

Bye week last week. They get Green Bay at home this week, so it's not like it's that big of a change. Who would've thought that Braylon Edwards would continue to be their number one wideout after Santonio Holmes came back? I mean, if there's one thing that watching one Super Bowl told me, it's that Santonio Holmes can catch the fucking football. Now he can't even catch my drift. Which is unbelievable because I'm not usually very subtle at all—I usually just kind of embarrassingly hammer away at something until it's glaringly obvious to everyone else, then laugh myself silly while everyone else sits around dumbfounded. Haha. Hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I am too funny!

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

At New Orleans this week could be tough. The Saints are coming off of an absolutely embarrassing home loss to the Browns, of all teams. Still, I wouldn't worry too much if I were a Steelers fan. And why is everyone all of a sudden making the "Gee, I bet Ben is glad that Favre got nailed for those cock shots, eh! Took the heat off of him!" First of all, I think the whole point is that Favre did not, in fact, get nailed, which is pretty pitiful. Combined with his small pecker, and I almost feel sorry for the old cocksucker. Almost. Secondly, do you think Ben can stand not being the foremost sexual deviant in the league right now? He's going to pull off a sexual caper the likes of which the league has never seen before. I mean, my God, letting him loose in New Orleans? If I was Mike Tomlin, I would literally have him on a leash the entire time. Literally. A ten-foot tether. He could take him outside to piss and shit, but other than that, "You're with coach Mike this weekend, Ben." Ah, what a life he gets to lead now, eh fellas?

Questions? Comments? Bitching that nobody reads anything on the internet posted after Friday afternoon? E-mail the BlogMogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 7

2010-10-23T01:44:00.002-04:00

Another week, another attempt to figure this league out. Other than Pittsburgh, nobody's really knocking my socks off here. My feet are plenty warm, fellas. Almost a little too warm, to be honest. But you know what? I'm not minding it so much. No, not about the fucking socks. It's not a bad thing for teams to have a chance to win every week (with a couple of exceptions). Because I can't just make it 32, 31, 5-30, 4, 3, 2, 1, let's get on to the rankings:

32. Carolina Panthers

Really quick hook on Clausen there, Fox. Gee, I wonder who had that idea a week ago? Huh. So many ways to analyze this one. First of all, apparently Mel Kiper is done. He said it himself. I mean, Todd McShay can be kind of a prick sometimes, but at least he was smart enough to know that Bradford was the only real QB in the draft this year. I mean, when you throw 3 INTs and put the ball on the ground 7 times, it's not a good sign. Maybe there's something wrong with his hand. The big problem with this, of course, is that it ruins the "showdown" between Bradford and Clausen next week. If they finish with the first overall pick, they wouldn't wisely scrap the Jimmy Clausen experiment after one year, would they? Hmmm…

31. Buffalo Bills

Boy, that bye beat the shit out of them last week, didn't it? Welcome back from vacation fellas—your prize is getting to go to Baltimore this week. Congratulations!

30. San Francisco 49ers

So you beat Oakland at home. Big fucking deal. I still think if they would've played at a neutral site, the Raiders would've won. Alex Smith finally had an okay game. They couldn't be stupid enough to buy in to Alex Smith again next year, could they? By the way, I love how now the popular excuse for Alex Smith is that he's more suited to a spread out, wide open offense, while Frank Gore is more of a straight-ahead I formation runner. Uh, fellas, ever look at the Rams? They seem to be doing okay with the same setup. No, I think the problem is much easier to diagnose: Alex Smith fucking sucks, and Bradford is good. OK, now that that's been cleared up, let's move on.

29. Oakland Raiders

Jesus, speaking of a team that needs a QB. Come to think of it, that's a common thread among all of these teams at the bottom. Huh. I don't really know how to fix this one. With their luck, they'll take a QB next year when there really isn't one worthy of being a top pick, and he'll end up being a lazy, codeine-addicted piece of shit. Oh, wait, they already did that.

28. Cleveland Browns

That little guy Colt McCoy actually didn't do too badly, now did he? Bless his little heart! Seriously, though, they look like they could at least get a couple years out of the diminutive pistol. Too bad the rest of their team sucks. Their division is what is keeping them from actually rebuilding—how can you draft a top skill guy when Ray Lewis or James Harrison might tee off on him for four of your sixteen games? That's just fucking negligent.

27. Detroit Lions

They lose a few spots for both losing and because Matt Stafford is coming back. Does no one else see that this guy either one-hops his receivers or overthrows them by 10 yards? No one? And he can't stay healthy. Boy, he has gotten more mileage out of that one comeback win last year than George Clooney in Up In the Air. I think they'll pick early in the first round.

26. Dallas Cowboys

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Alex Barron is just absolute roster poison. Over the past three years, teams that he has played for are 4-33. Wade Phillips + Alex Barron = TERRIBLE. Also, they have no running game and Romo's time might be running out. Aside from that, Theyyyyyyy're GREAT!

25. Arizona Cardinals

They had a bye last week, so I'm going to use this opportunity to rant about the St. Louis Cardinals bringing back manager Tony LaRussa. I certainly appreciate what Manager, Esquire has done for the team over the past 15 years. Really, I do. I do think he lost the team toward the end of the year—he certainly seemed to be "out of it" more than usual, though I could be mistaking that for massive alcoholism. More importantly from a fan's perspective, what we're really paying for here is entertainment. It's like going to a movie on some level—we want to just see Maximus kill everybody and scream to us, "Are you entertained!?!" Fuck yeah, we are! Well, watching this Cards team has been like watching just one director's movies for fifteen years straight. We're used to all of the twists and turns, all of his little tricks and his general style. It might be time for a change. In other words, he's become M. Night Shayamalan.

24. San Diego Chargers

They looked terrible for 3 ¾ quarters against the Rams, then the Rams went into a shell and they went down and scored in 40 seconds. Defensive coordinators playing the Chargers, listen up: YOU MUST BLITZ THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!! It totally fucks with Phillip Rivers' head, and puts that "My God, what the fuck is going on here?!?" look on Norv Turner's face. Then again, so does setting his VCR. And yes, I think Norv Turner still has a VCR. He just seems like the type.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

They got absolutely manhandled by the Titans, and they were forced to press Trent Edwards into service as their QB. Oh boy. You know you're in trouble when you have a Bills cast-off at QB. I guess they're just repaying them for Rob Johnson years ago. Think about it—who was the last QB to leave the Bills and do well? I don't count Flutie because he was done by the time he left Buffalo. I can't think of one. Let me know if I missed one, but goddamn, that's just fucking awful. Now this asshole can't even play. Todd Bouman? Really? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Los Angeles Jaguars!

22. Cincinnati Bengals

Another team with a bye last week. Maybe Carson Palmer figured out what is wrong with himself. Probably not. I would say I don't know what to make of these guys, but I know exactly what to make of them: they have a broken down, terrible QB, a cast off RB, and two prima donna, over-the-hill WRs, balanced with a porous O-Line and a shitty defense. Besides that, though, they could make some noise!

21. Chicago Bears

Rumor had it this week that they were going to fire Lovie Smith and hire Captain John E. Smith. Okay, now hold the wheel steady, and…OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE'S A HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG, AND…cue the Carpathia. Did I mention that they're really starting to fade? I seem to remember this happening like two or three years ago—they started out like 5-1 and ended up 6-10. I don't know if Mike Martz's system even works any more, let alone if Cutler is smart and accurate enough to run it properly. Also, WOULD IT FUCKING KILL YOU TO RUN FUCKING MATT FORTE MORE THAN 4 TIMES PER GAME MARTZ, YOU SMUG ASSHOLE!?!? Goddamn, what a fucking dick.

20. Denver Broncos

Man, they could've beat the Jets. That would've vaulted them up the rankings just a bit. That Josh McDaniels cannot get a break. Apparently G Gel Unit knows a big time Broncos fan out in the City of Angels, and he claims that they all hate McDaniels. I can see why, since he can't wipe that smug grin off his mug. Kyle Orton is great and everything, but these guys just lack that killer instinct. I'd be pretty pissed if I was a Denver fan, too. I mean, who is your competition in the division this year? The Chiefs? The Cha-jahs? You can't beat those teams? I guess it hurts when your first round RB is a huge bust, but I mean, come on, find a way to win, fellas.

19. Seattle Seahawks

They beat the Bears in Chicago, so that's something. It remains to be seen if Matt Hasselbeck can finish out the year. If so, fuck him. If not, Charlie Whitehurst didn't really show much in the preseason, so they could sink in a hurry. Much like "Wild On" back in high school, they didn't show me anything just that spectacular when they came to town a few weeks ago. They certainly aren't Brooke Burke. If anything, they're Art Mann.

18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Eh, I'm not too impressed. I've been reading a lot of their game prep this week since they're playing the hometown team. Apparently both of their high-round DTs have been a bit slow to come around (Gerald McCoy and Brian Price). Meanwhile Ndam Suh is blowing through O Lines in Detroit, despite having a (much) worse record. They have no running game to speak of, and basically one receiver who, by the way, is a rookie. I'm going to reserve judgment on Josh Freeman until after this game, but Raheem Morris hasn't shown me he can be a legit NFL coach yet. I don't think they have the weapons to beat the…

17. St. Louis Rams

Big time win over the Chargers last weekend. Denario Alexander looked like a bigger, stronger, somewhat slower Randy Moss. Actually, that also described David Boston, so forget I said that. I believe I owe an apology to Steve Spagnuolo, who is finally hitting his stride as a head coach, and who is, by all accounts, a classy guy. I mean, if they win this game, and with the Panthers at home next week for Isaac Bruce's retirement ceremony, they could be 5-3 at the bye, which could put them on track to win the division. That said, if they lose this week, I'll bust them back down to the mid-20s so quickly their heads will spin. Come on, fellas! Get a winning record for the first time in (I think) four years.

16. Minnesota Vikings

I swear, they played the most boring, penalty-filled game I ever have seen against the Cowboys last week. Ugh. Now the fucking media will be touting them and taking pictures of their cocks…er..well, I guess there's no getting out of that one, is there? What I meant to say is that the media will be taking pictures of their penises and texting them to game-day hostesses. If Favre is representative of the rest of the team, I think the hostesses will take a pass. By the way, Chris Rock has a great bit about how if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, it wouldn't have been called sexual harassment. Well if Favre was a little more…err…blessed, would this even be an issue? Or would Jenn Sterger be called "Mrs. Favre" and babysitting a bunch of kids dressed in Wranglers right now? Food for thought.

15. Washington Redskins

Hell of an effort against the Colts, fellas. Really, I thought D Mac and Ryan "Uncharted" Torrain could get something going there toward the end. Unfortunately, they just aren't that good. Despite that, they are a better than average NFL team, and still absolutely have a shot at the NFC East. I do miss the bitching from Skins fans regarding how Jason Campbell wasn't getting a fair shake. Would you rather watch Campbell "develop" like he is in Oakland, or would you rather have a good QB? That's what I thought. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY ON GIVING UP ON CAMPBELL!!

14. Miami Dolphins

Big win against the Packers last week. Old Henne IIGS proved that…well…I'm not sure exactly what he proved last week. I guess he proved that a first-generation Mac is smarter than McCartman. Other than that, FEED RONNIE BROWN THE FUCKING ROCK, ALREADY! THIS IS EMBARRASING, SPORANO. AND NO, I'M NOT SCARED BECAUSE YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE…hey, easy there, fella, why don't you put that gun away now, I'm just a fucking nut with a keyboard and internet access. Come on, man, you don't want to do anything stu—AW FUCK, HE SHOT ME!!! THE COCKSUCKER SHOT ME!!! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!! WHAT A DICKHEAD!!! THERE ARE OTHER WAYS THAN VIOLENCE TO GET WHAT YOU WANT!!! OW THIS REALLY FUCKING HURTS!!! DOCTOR?!?! NURSE?!? SOMEBODY, PLEASE, GOD, STOP THE FUCKING PAIN!!!

13. Houston Texans

Much like a guy that marries the first chick that will blow him, these guys are obviously resigned to mediocrity. I mean, as Bill Simmons notes, how many 8-8 seasons can Gary Kubiak go before they fire his ass? And no, don't fucking throw the Rams firing Martz in my face as an example. That was a talent evaluation issue. The Texans obviously have talent—they just need a closer to cultivate it. Much like the…

12. Green Bay Packers

I just get a terrible feeling about this team. It clearly all stems from that fucker McCartman. How that fat fuck is still coaching in this league is beyond me. I realize that Ryan Grant is out for the year, but at what point is it their fault for not realizing that he has neither the durability nor talent to survive in this league? Any competent front office would've drafted a backup QB by now. What the fuck do I know, though?

11. New York Giants

This is a weird team because their signature win was over the Texans, who are, by all accounts, a decently respectable AFC team. They were blown out by Indy, though, and remain the "box of chocolates" in the NFC; you never know what you're going to get. Goddamn, even if I am the oracle of young RBs, I draft young WRs like I draft young pitchers in fantasy baseball—way too early. I took Hakeem Nicks last year and cut him by week 4. For anyone that's wondering, Mike Williams of Tampa Bay will probably be a top ten wideout either next year or the year after. You're welcome.

10. Kansas City Chiefs

Jesus, fly too close to the sun, much? I think that the Texans beating them was kind of bullshit. Also, even though Dwayne Bowe had a breakout game, everybody talks about Matt Cassell like he's the fucking elephant man or something. I mean, he's 7:3 for TDs:INTs this year. So what if he trails, say, Sam Bradford in pretty much all other metrics. He's a young guy, and…well…aw, fuck, I can't take it anymore. He's fucked, and so are the Chiefs, because they won't finish with the top overall pick this year, and the guys below Andrew Luck fucking suck. Also, the NCAA is more worried about investigating promising young QBs for "apparent violations" than preparing them for the NFL, where they'll get paid…err…EVERY FUCKING WEEK! Oh well…

9. New Orleans Saints

That was a convincing win over Tampa Bay. Who is this Chris Ivory guy? If he keeps it up, he obviously has a promising career as a soap or poaching spokesman. I can see it now. Outside of a British embassy in Africa, "Well, old bean, we finally got you access to that ivory you were always hoping for!" "Tally ho! It'll be worth millions!" Cut to Chris, bemused, "I hope…" The hunters look at each other perplexed. They should easily handle Cleveland at home this week, but after that, they aren't just that scary…

8. Atlanta Falcons

Goddamn they got beat up. Just absolutely lit. Like Ricky fucking Hatton against Floyd Mayweather. They were crying for mommy by the half. Just fucking disgusting. They were bruised, bloodied, and just plain beat down.

And yet nobody seems to realize that game probably featured the two best teams in the NFC. Hooo boy…

7. Philadelphia Eagles

This whole Kolb-Dog Murderer thing is getting out of hand. Andy Reid has to be the luckiest fucking coach ever. Does he ever have to make a hard decision for himself, or do circumstances just always dictate what he has to do? I mean, forget about the game management problems, forget about his personal problems, forget about all of the choke jobs that his teams are responsible for in the NFC title game, but is there an NFL coach that has been more blessed by good luck?

6. Indianapolis Colts

These aren't last year's Colts, folks. The defense is starting to show signs of age. Shit, even Ron Jaworski thinks that Peyton Manning is starting to go on that long, downhill slide known only as the Marino curve. They lost Dallas Clark for the year and Austin Collie for a few weeks. Joe Addai and Donald Brown are beat up. That all being said, Manning is still probably a top-five coach in this league, and he will find a way to circle the wagons and make the playoffs. What s fucked up this year is that the AFC has the top 6 teams in the league right now. So…are all of these teams going to make it? They can't, right? The West has to send somebody. It could get really ugly in the closing weeks. Let's put it this way—I doubt Curtis Painter plays a lot down the stretch for the Colts this year. Just a hunch.

5. Tennessee Titans

Only the Titans could lose their All-Moron QB and replace him with fucking Sling Blade (Kerry Collins). I guess, really, how smart do you have to be to hand the ball off to Chris Johnson 30 times per game? I'm just worried that Jeff Fischer is taking advantage of his QBs. No, not like that, goddamn it! I mean saying things to Young and Collins like, "Say, fellas, I realize y'all have fine cars out there—a couple of Mercedeses. But what if I told you I could put you in this 2003 BMW Z3 for $159 down and $159 a month? Is that something you might be interested in?" Give it a fucking rest, Jeff. You were one yard away from winning a Super Bowl, and that game is going to haunt you for the rest of your life. See how a little honesty can fix almo….aw goddamn it, he's crying now. What the fuck? Somebody deal with this, please? What an embarrassment. Just, really, get a hold of yourself, man.

4. New England Patriots

Way to go beating Baltimore. I guess Deion Branch was the missing link, after all. And he was the final component of the Pats' offense! (think about it…go on…I'll give you time…a little anthropology humor…and no, I'm not saying he's stupid or anything, just that EVERYONE ACTS LIKE HE'S THE LAST PIECE OF THE FUCKING PUZZLE, AND ALL I SEE IS A MEDIOCRE RECEIVER AT BEST!). I still don't see how it helps you to trade Randy Moss in season. I guess that's why I'm here and Belichick is making the big bucks. And not as in Big Buck Hunter, though it is quite a fine game. Actually, I am getting a bit burned out on old Big Buck—I mean, when you get own to it, it's glorified Duck Hunt, you know? Still, it can be fucking fun as hell in small doses.

3. New York Jets

You loyal readers are going to be bored. You know exactly how the rest of this poll is going to play out. It would've helped the suspense if the Broncos wouldn't have taken the pass interference call last week and would've beat these assholes, wouldn't have it? Then you could have been reading about Tennessee or New England here instead of 5 minutes ago. Oh well. They have a bye this week. Trust me, I know since EVERY FUCKING SKILL PLAYER ON MY FUCKING TEAM IS A FUCKING JET COCK! And no, I don't mean that my players' penises have jet engines on them.

2. Baltimore Ravens

Another week, another solid outing for Service Station Assistant Night Manager Flacco. I mean, he just pumps the gas, right? It's not his fault that John Harbaugh drunkenly drives off after he pumps the gas and ends up in a ditch, is it? Also, you all might want to re-think the whole Ray Rice situation. Jeez, what a black hole for running backs. They get one good season and are never heard back from again. Call it the curse of Jamal Lewis. I am still eagerly anticipating the rematch of these guys and the…

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Old Ash-Dick seemed to do pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty well against the Browns. 3 TDs, pretty good. I think people are underestimating the difference a good QB can make, let alone a top-five QB. I mean, this guy just sees what he wants and fucking tak…err…gets…err…he is able to do whatever he pleases...err…fuck…I mean, he just uses people in the way he sees fit…um…no…WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT HE'S A GOOD FUCKING QB AND THEY HAVE A FUCKING GREAT DEFENSE!!! THEY'RE PRETTY CLEARLY THEY BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!!! FUCK!!! On another note, what is with fucking James Harrison? Is being fined for big-time helmet-to-helmet hits really going to matter that much? The media acts lie they're going to outlaw tackling. Uh, no, they're just going to outlaw fucking juiceheads that lead with their head all the time. Learn to tackle, or, as Kenny Powers would say, "YOU'RE FUCKING OUT!" Seriously, though, Harrison better shape up. If not, well, there are five other AFC teams beating down the door.

Questions? Comments? Wondering why there's no comment as to why these are going up on a Friday night? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 6

2010-10-14T21:24:00.003-04:00

What a great idea it has been to post these things early. When I was finished posting these last week, I made my way over to ESPN, where I was promptly informed of the Randy Moss trade. So "fuck me," I guess! That's why I'm pushing these to Thursdaythis week. Now with my luck, Vincent Jackson will get traded tonight AND forward cell-phone pictures of his dick to his new team's "game day hostesses" (whatever the fuck they do) on his way to his new city. Fuck me. Whatever. On to the rankings.

32. Carolina Panthers

So let me get this straight: Todd Collins has one of the all-time bad days as a quarterback for the Bears (6.3 QB rating! No touchdowns! 4 interceptions!) and you guys still lose by 17 points? Jesus, how bad could Matt Moore be at this point? I mean, despite being the "most NFL-ready" QB in the draft, Jimmy Clausen looks like…well…how can I put this delicately…"shit." John Fox really gambled and lost on that one...errr…those two. I wouldn't go anywhere near Vegas with him right now. Just devastating.

31. San Francisco 49ers

Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Man, if Mike Singletary wasn't so fucking scary, I'd laugh my fucking…oh fuck…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Oh…oh man…this is too much. You know it's bad when your fans are chanting "We want Carr!", and it's not at an auto dealership. No, they're referring to David Carr, who is basically Alex Smith, but two years older. Who knows what they should do with their QB situation—they might be in a position to get Andrew Luck in the first round, but if not, they really can't address it this year with Locker or Mallett. Then again, as a Rams fan, I kind of hope they try to; it would be high comedy.

30. Buffalo Bills

I think this one is more on their defense than their offense. Fitzpatrick is having an extremely underrated fantasy season this year, and I think Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller can pick up the water for Marshawn Lynch. By the way, have you seen a list of the Bills' busted first round draft picks lately? Aaron Maybin, Leodis McKelvin, Lynch, John McCargo, Donte Whitner, and J.P. Losman. I mean, that's a starting squad right there—in the UFL. (See what I did there? YES!). With that kind of history, what are the odds on them taking Jake Locker this off-season? 60 percent? 70 percent? This despite the fact that Fitzpatrick has actually been semi-serviceable. Unbelievable.

29. Cleveland Browns

They lost a fairly hard-fought game to the Falcons last week, which is admirable. What is not admirable, though, is starting Colt McCoy this early in the season. No word on whether or not they've ordered a step-stool for the backfield yet. At this point, is Mangini putting his house on the market, maybe looking for a nice one-bedroom in some divorcee community in…Christ, I don't know, somewhere less depressing than Cleveland, wearing sweatpants to work, and just generally walking around with a blank expression on his face? Oh wait, he did that last year, too? No shit? Huh.

28. Seattle Seahawks

The bye doesn't automatically raise you in the rankings, Seahawks. Also, I'm still pretty sure that they're fucking awful, so they stay down here. What are they thinking getting Marshawn Lynch? I think Forsett was fine for what they have (a shitty team)—when they actually gave him the ball, he did quite well. Whatever. Their funeral. I guess at least Pete Carroll is trying shit to improve the roster. Unlike, say, the…

27. St. Louis Rams

Rough week for the hometown squad. Really rough. Losing Mark Clayton really hurts them. I hated to see Spagnuolo sending Bradford and Steven Jackson out there when it was 31-6 in the 4^th, let alone when it got to be 44-6. And who are they turning to for WR help now that Clayton is out? Denarrio Alexander? Really? I thought they've been saying how his knee is fucked up and his leg is atrophied from the knee surgery he had this offseason. Huh. If only there was…say…a…FUCKING VINCENT JACKSON OUT THERE TO BE HAD FOR A THIRD ROUND PICK!!! I MEAN, IF ONLY THAT WAS THE CASE, MAN, WE'D BE IN GOOD SHAPE!!! Fuck. Fortunately, they're playing the…

26. San Diego Chargers

Man, even for Norv Turner, this is one hell of a shitty coaching job. HOW DO YOU LOSE TO THE RAIDERS BY OVER A TD AND LET THEM SCORE 35 POINTS IN THE PROCESS?!? All while mopey old Norv stands on the sidelines like a pussyish father who finds out that his daughter is in a low-rent porn movie. It's not healthy to have such a passive asshole coaching the team while Mt. Saint Baby Tantrum (Phil Rivers) is your QB. Bill Simmons noted in his podcast today that he thinks if the Chargers lose at the Rams, Norv gets fired. Hopefully we do him a favor and end his suffering.

25. Oakland Raiders

I guess they have to go here. I mean…uh…they…err…did beat the Chargers. And crazily enough, they did it with Jason Campbell at QB. Now that I think about it, this QB situation could be a big bonus for them. They should just either not name a starter in a given week, or name a nominal starter so that the other team prepares for him, and then bring in the other guy after a series or two to fuck up the other team's gameplan. Or wait 'til halftime to switch—that fucked up the Rams.

24. Cincinnati Bengals

Luckily, they get their bye this week. As is evident from my earlier power rankings, I think these guys have been overrated for quite some time. Carson Palmer has been "average" the past two games—they just ran into the Bucs last week. Who knows what to think about this team, other than at least one part of their team is going to fuck up royally on a given week. If the QB and WRs are doing well, Benson will only get 2.5 per carry. If Benson is running well and the WRs are on, Palmer will shit the bed. It would be infuriating to be a fan of theirs.

23. Detroit Lions

Well, look at you guys! I bet you all think you're hot shit, don't you? Way to take out the Rams' number one wideout and bully them, really kick them while they're down! Fuck these guys. And fuck Shaun Hill, too. He looks like a laid-off auto worker. You know, the guy who attached like 4 steering wheels a day at the Chrysler plant for fifteen years for $35/hour, then wonders why he's out of a job despite the fact that the Japanese have had a robot that has done the same job for twenty years. Yeah, that's Shaun Hill. I cannot wait for Stafford to get back and this team to tank. Other than one game-winning drive last year, I'm not sure what Stafford has done to garner so much positive attention. I guess we'll see by the end of the year.

22. Arizona Cardinals

Is this for fucking real? Seriously? Are you guys going to let this bastard Wisenhunt get away with this shit? Fucking Max Hall? Honestly? Beats the fucking Saints, no less! Unfuckingbelievable. That bottle of whiskey in Wisenhunt's bottom drawer is getting empty. "Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard, you might pull this off yet!"

21. Minnesota Vikings

Who do you think you are, Brett Favre? I mean, honestly, who sends pictures of that? And I mean, then crowing like a little cock…err…rooster…on voicemail messages, too. The balls on this guy...err…the gumption! Yeah that's it! The fucking gumption on this guy!

(Small penis)

I think getting Moss was an okay move, but I think we all know how this dance is going to go: they're going to sign him to a big extension, then Favre is going to retire, they're going to go through the presumptive "we drafted Tavaris Jackson so we're going to give him a shot, goddamn it!" terrible year, then Randy's going to get upset, demand a trade, and they'll have to scrap the whole thing and hopefully rebuild around a young QB at the top of the 2012 draft. Speaking of which, where are all of the good, young QBs in college football anymore? This year there's one guy (Luck) who has a chance at the next level. After him, maybe Blaine Gabbert? As a Mizzou fan, I can tell you he has a ways to go. Who else is there? The guy from Oregon? I guess. Somebody let me know if I'm wrong.

20. Dallas Cowboys

Thank God for Miles Austin—you saved a fantasy team this week, sir. Your service to my squad will be remembered. That said, Wade Phillips has to be feeling the fucking heat like Sam Bradford last week. You might want to lock yourself in the freezer this week, big fella. What's that? Still hot? Well, fuck it. This game with the Vikes is a bit of a Thunderdome this week—two men enter, one man leaves.

19. Denver Broncos

No shame in losing to the Ravens. There is shame, though, in letting them score 31 points. So much shame, Josh McDaniels. You might want to put on one of John Harbaugh's dress shirts and try to sneak out of the frat house before all of his fraternity brothers get up. Okay, Josh, you're at the door, now open it slowly…and…THEY'RE ALL FUCKING OUT THERE ALLREADY, ASSHOLE, AND THEY'RE HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN' AT YOU, BIG GUY!!! YEAH, FUCKING CRY, ASSHOLE!!! YES, YOUR TEARS TASTE SO SWEET!!!

18. Jacksonville Jaguars

I don't know what to make of this team. I could've sworn they were 2-3 before writing this, but no, they're 3-2, JUST LIKE FUCKING EVERY OTHER TEAM IN THE FUCKING AFC SOUTH!!! WON'T ONE OF YOU FUCKING MAN UP AND SEIZE IT ALREADY?!? For Chrissake…

17. Miami Dolphins

They didn't play last week, so let me offer some general advice to Tony Sporano: ditch Chad Henne in the red zone, where he hurts you most, and go back to the wildcat. Henne is not the answer. He is truly a dumb robot. I'm pretty sure he's the result of some fucked up Department of Defense experiment after they watched too many episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and decided to make their own Data. Unfortunately, this was back in 1987, so he has roughly the same parts as an Apple IIGS in his brain. You're not fooling anyone, Chad. Fucking DOD nerds.

16. New Orleans Saints

Yeah, I did it. What are you gonna do about it? How do you lose to the Cardinals? The fucking Cardinals, goddamn it! Snap out of it! Someone brew them some coffee and get a cold shower going. Goddamn it, get a trash can and put it by their fucking bed. Make sure you roll them on their sides before you leave them. FUCKING SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY! Seriously, though, they just have not proven anything so far.

15. Philadelphia Eagles

Way to take advantage of the layup last week. I guess at least Kolb got a win out of it. Apparently Dog Killer, Q.B., though not cleared to play, is "itching" to get back in this week against the Falcons. Like they wronged him somehow, what with him GOING TO FUCKING JAIL AND EVERYTHING!!! What a fucking dick.

14. Chicago Bears

Eh. Welcome back, Cutler. I think you can do a little bit better than ol' Todd Collins did. Fortunately, they get the Seahags at home this week, so it shouldn't be too tough. How this team is going to be 4-1 is beyond me.

13. Green Bay Packers

I've been on Mike McCarthy's case for a couple of weeks now, and all I have to say is, "WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT YOU LOOK LIKE THE KID FROM UP?!? IF ANYTHING, YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKING ERIC CARTMAN, YOU FAT FUCK! WHENEVER ANYONE WALKS PAST YOU, THEY JUST SAY, 'GODDAMN, THAT'S ONE FAT FUCK!'" Get a little self-respect, McCarthy! Though if you're fine taking 15 penalties for 125 yards every game and getting your Pro Bowl QB pounded into a bloody pulp, then by all means, stay the course. Now that we've established that he's Cartman, though, maybe he's cooking up a scheme to totally humiliate a Jewish kid/Ginger/Jerseyite. What is your plan, McCartman? What is your plan?

12. Washington Redskins

This high? Sure, why not? They have no running game to speak of, but they do have Pro Bowl receivers and a Pro Bowl quarterback—who even cares that I'm talking about the 2001 Pro Bowl at this point? Their defense is getting better, as they put a licking on Dog Killer a couple of weeks ago. I dunno, in that division…

11. Houston Texans

I'm selling these guys big time. Losing Andre Johnson makes you appreciate how much of a difference-maker he is, eh Kubiak? By the way, isn't it great how these rankings can work out sometimes? These guys beat the Redskins in week 2, but last week they lost to the…

10. New York Giants

How can a team get pasted by 24 by a decentish team in week 2, then four weeks later be considered the favorite in what was generally considered the NFL's toughest division pre-season? The NFL, folks! What do they even have? Hakeem Nicks? Sure, he's good, but Eli…err…"has his moments," and their running game is a fucking mess right now. Tom Coughlin's "five minutes early" routine has to be wearing thin by now, but "don't worry, they're one of the strongest teams in the NFC!" Sure, they are…

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Wow, all the way to the top ten? Sure, why not? I haven't seen too much of their games this season because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about the Bucs. I did see their opener, which they won in unconvincing fashion over the horrible Browns, so I'll have to take people's word when they say Josh Freeman is the real deal. They get the Rams at home next week, so I'll reserve judgment until I see that one.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

You gotta score touchdowns, fellas. Having Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe on your team and not scoring a touchdown is like having Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday on your team and not making the playoffs. Oh, wait… Seriously, though, Matt Cassel has to step his shit up, or they might take a different shitty QB in the draft this year. I mean, when your only credential is backing up Matt Leinart for a couple of years, how can you be a starting QB in the NFL?

7. Indianapolis Colts

Just barely, Colts. Just barely. Maybe this is the year it all falls apart. I think at this point they have a body double for Mike Caldwell in there like in the movie Dave, though obviously not as charismatic as Dave Kovac in that classic film. Peyton is the guy pulling the strings behind the scenes, telling him what to say at his press conferences and shit. "Go, Go, Go!" It might be funny if it weren't true.

6. New England Patriots

I'm not quite as sold on the Moss-for-Branch deal as a lot of people. I mean, if you're a bookie, that switch is worth 1.5 points a week at least, right? That can be the difference between going 12-4 and 10-6 over the course of the season. It's not a huge downgrade, but it's not this brilliant masterstroke that everyone is making it out to be. I think the funniest part of the whole thing is this subplot about Moss and Brady getting into a fight because of Brady's hair. Yeah, like Moss is Vidal Sassoon or something. It just reinforces this idea that they're a "glamour franchise" now, and have gotten away from their "blue collar" roots, as much as a bunch of multi-millionaires could have had "blue collar roots," at least.

5. Atlanta Falcons

This feels too high for them. They have to go into Philly this week and beat the Iggles, too? Eee…maybe I should really re-think this one. But if they win…By the way, why not give Jason Snelling a few more carries, eh Mike Smith? This guy is fucking lightning in a bottle. How can you afford to keep him on the sidelines? Frustrating.

4. Tennessee Titans

I'm back, baby! Woo Hoo! So they lost to Denver a couple weeks ago. Aside from that, their only loss is to the best team in the league. They know what they're doing. Also, remember, you can always haggle Fisher down a bit, no matter what price he's offering you. As soon as you drive that thing off the lot, it's caveat emptor—buyer beware. Be careful before you buy.

3. New York Jets

Sanchez is certainly playing well enough now, isn't he? Suddenly, with Santonio Holmes back, Braylon flanking him, Keller up the seam, and LT running the ball well, they have a decent-ish offense now, right? I mean, they put 29 up on the Vikes, right? Why the fuck can't they win the AFC. Well, I'm glad you asked. Two reasons:

2. Baltimore Ravens

Another week where Flacco hit $15.00 on the nose pumping gas. I tell you what, pretty soon they might hire him full-time at the old service station. Then it's just a short hop to assistant manager, then manager, and then…who knows, you might even get your own station some day, kiddo! Keep it up!

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

With Ben coming back, and hopefully knowing better than to make some misogynist comments during breast cancer awareness month, they should be better than pretty much anyone. This line against Cleveland can't be high enough this week. I think it was around 13 ½ last time I checked. Take Pittsburgh. Drew Margary on Deadspin made a good point—think all of the assholes in Pittsburgh calling for Roth to be traded at the draft aren't feeling stupid now? Boy, Jimmy Clausen would sure look good in the black and gold, eh Steelers fans? That's why Mike Tomlin does what he does and you do whatever shitty job you do. If you wanted to keep him, congratulations! You qualify to be an NFL Head Coach/Personnel Director! Welcome to the club!

Questions? Comments? Think I'm getting a little too big for my britches? Actually, I've gone down a size or two lately. Oh, thanks for noticing! Uh..I mean…e-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 5

2010-10-06T00:14:00.002-04:00

Another week gone by, another edition of the power rankings that the nation has its eyes on. And no, I’m not referring to those amateurs over at ESPN.com, or, alternatively, Red Sox Nation or the Nation of Islam. No, of course, they are the Mog’s very own Power Rankings. Since it worked so well last week, I’m gonna try this “putting the rankings up more than one day in advance” thing again this week. On to the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Aw, they were so close! I can’t believe it! Much like you never want to bet against Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, you never want to bet on Jimmy Clausen. I am just at a loss for words at what happened between the draft and now. I mean, none other than MEL KIPER HIMSELF said that Clausen was the most pro-ready QB prospect. I guess 11-21 for like 140 yards and a TD is “pro-ready.” And yes, I realize that I harped on this last week, too, but GODDAMN HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT SAM BRADFORD IS DOING DOWN IN ST. LOUIS?!? HE IS SINGLE-HANDEDLY REVITALIZING THIS TOWN! SO FUCK YOU, CLAUSEN, YOU LIMO-RIDING, DUMB-ASS PIMP SUIT-WEARING LITTLE SHIT!!! LOOK ABOUT 800 MILES DUE WEST—THAT’S A REAL MAN PLAYING QB. You’re just play-acting.

31. San Francisco 49ers

Much like a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, Mike Singletary just cannot buy a “W.” I don’t know if it’s fair to pile on Nate Clements for fucking up that INT run-back, but it sure didn’t help matters any. Now they’re 2 games behind everyone else in the NFC West, and have already been absolutely destroyed by the Seahawks. And Alex Smith is getting worse by the day, if that’s even possible. I guess it’s better this way for San Fran—they can focus on their beloved Giants in postseason baseball. (As an aside, does it just seem like playoff baseball is just going to be shitty this year, or is it just me? I mean, I couldn’t give less of a fuck who wins the World Series, especially since it looks like it’s going to probably be some combination of the three teams that have played in the past 2 World Series’ meeting again. This season was enough of a slog. Now we have another month? Christ, I’m thankful for college and pro football this year. Let’s move on…).

30. Arizona Cardinals

Yes, I realize they have 2 wins so far. And yes, I realize that they’re tied for their division lead. Unfortunately, if they re-played either of those wins this week, I’m pretty sure they would lose both of them (at Rams, at Oakland). What the fuck happened to this team? Were they really in the Super Bowl two years ago? And now they’re starting a rookie from BYU at QB because they were too chickenshit to cut Leinart in the offseason and their pro personnel department was stupid enough to believe in Derek Anderson? Even still, why do I still picture Ken WIsenhunt in his office late at night with a bottle of scotch, thinking to himself, “OK, well we do play in a shitty division, maybe we catch a couple of breaks, the Rams have a rookie QB that’s doing well… Wisenhunt, you magnificent bastard! You might pull this one off yet!”

29. Buffalo Bills

Well, looks like the Haaaaavaaahhhd Man is bringing a little bit of culture to these heathens. Fitzpatrick somehow was good for 22 fantasy points last week. I guess he runs a lot. Their schedule is really brutal this year, so they might end up with the worst record in the league, but I’d trust them to beat any of the teams below on a neutral field. Still, maybe they should get Andrew Luck on an arm-strength regimen. He was throwing absolute rainbows all day against Oregon. You can get away with that shit in the Pac-10, but try that against New England and you’ll get your nuts handed to you. Just ask Chad Henne.

28. Oakland Raiders

They’ve played all of their games close except for the opener against Tennessee. At the time, I thought the Titans were one of the most badass teams in the league, with a punishing defense and an offense that would be good enough to win games for them. I now realize that they’re one-dimensional and have an idiot for a QB that should probably be (or at least look into becoming) a ward of the state. That said, if the Raiders could get their kicker sobered up even a little bit, they’d be in a lot better shape. Somebody put on some coffee and get a cold shower going—this idiot Pollack needs to sober up.

27. Cleveland Browns

How things can change in one week! Last week, people were bitching that they were one of the worst teams in the league. This week, they eek out a classic trap game at home against Cinci and they’re “feisty.” You do realize that Seneca Wallace is their QB and Mangini is still coaching the team, right? OK, just checking. I guess they will battle for who is able to take the second QB off the board in next year’s draft with the…

26. Seattle Seahawks

I would be getting really nervous if I was a Seahawks fan. Apparently a lot of them are already making noise about how they want Jake Locker on their message boards. My God, HAVE ANY OF YOU FUCKING SEEN HIM PLAY?!? HE JUST MISSES THROWS FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL!!! HE IS A TOTAL FUCK-UP WITH A LOT OF “PHYSICAL SKILLS,” BUT NO ACTUAL APTITUDE TO PLAY THE POSITION! He might as well move down to West Texas, follow Ryan Leaf around and start calling him “Dad.” Shit, maybe he should even change his name to “Ryan Leaf, Jr.” or “Ryan Leaf II” if he’s classy like that. Shit, even if he did he’d probably still be #1 or #2 on Mel Kiper’s draft board. Oh, and from first-hand experience watching them last week, Seattle is fucking terrible.

25. Detroit Lions

Eh. My team is playing this group of assholes this week and even I don’t care if Shaun Hill or Matt Stafford is starting. Shit, I’d probably prefer it if Stafford started. That way the country would see how much worse he is than Bradford head-to-head. I mean, they’ve played slightly better teams than the Rams, but 1) They were beaten pretty thoroughly by the Vikings, who are probably the worst team they’ve played, and 2) THEY LOST FUCKING ALL OF THEM!!! Aside from that, yeah, they’re probably “the best 0-4 team in the league.” They could keep it going until they’re “the best 0-16 team in the league.” But Ndam Suh is having a HUGE impact. HUGE. (Still 0-4).

24. Jacksonville Jaguars

Man, that Del Rio is a slippery little shit, isn’t he? Every time this asshole’s job is on the line, he figures out a way to squeeze out a big shi…err…win. That was ballsy, to kick a 59-yarder to win the thing, but it’s not like his dumb, Neanderthal ass was the one that actually kicked it or anything. Still, now they get the Bills, so they might be able to put together a winning streak. Then again, they might fuck this one up. Whatever. Fuck it.

23. Minnesota Vikings

I went on ESPN Sportsnation today. Aside from being a pretty dumb site, one feature that is worth looking at is the NFL Coach Approval Ratings that they compile from user votes. Guess who’s on the absolute bottom with a 17% rating? Why Minnesota’s very own Brad Childress, that’s who! I mean, seventeen percent! That’s fucking abysmal! I think BP is pulling like a 15% right now. Bin Laden is maybe a 10%. Other than being totally clueless on gameday, forcing Favre back to Minnesota in what is basically an on-going Bataan Death March, and looking like a particularly depraved child molester, what’s wrong with this guy? By the way, does it bother anyone else that they already had their bye week? Can Favre really play 13 quality…errr…13 games in a row to close out the season? This could get really ugly down the stretch. “March, goddamnit! I said FUCKING MARCH!!!”

22. San Diego Chargers

Ugh. Fuck Phil Rivers. What an asshole. And now they get Oakland this week? You know what? I’m going to pick Oakland to win outright! Can I do that? Uh, I just did. Let’s see how it works out.

21. Philadelphia Eagles

Without Dog Murderer, Q.B., this is where they have to be. Kolb looked awful last week, and when they can’t play “Hail DeSean” or “Hail Maclin,” their passing game really suffers. Let’s hope he’s out for 2 weeks so they really put themselves in a hole in what is otherwise panning out to be a pretty weak division.

20. New York Giants

RUN ON NFC EAST TEAMS! The defense looked good last week, but Eli is still Eli. He’ll throw for 350 yards with 2 TD and 2-3 INTs. And you know what? If I was a Giants fan, I’D SHUT MY FUCKING TRAP AND KISS HIS FUCKING ASS EVERY TIME HE WALKED BY BECAUSE HE WON YOU SPOILED BABIES THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL AGAINST…OH…I DON’T KNOW…PROBABLY THE BEST TEAM IN FUCKING LEAGUE HISTORY!!! Aside from that, they can’t run the ball, but in this division, who knows?

19. Washington Redskins

I reluctantly put them here. I mean, it would be ridiculous to put them ahead of the Rams, but they did beat the fucking Eagles, man. I still think they’re a little over-rated. Their running back may retire by week 9 he looks so beat-and-washed-up. And who is the big wideout on this team? Santana Moss? Joey Galloway? It’s a who’s who of “Guys that Should Have Been Out of the League Two Years Ago.” Someone should really go in their locker room with ideas for car dealerships and restaurants—I’m sure they’d have plenty of guys lined up looking to “invest.” “Oh, you mean I can just put my name on this thing and not get the shit beat out of me for 17 weeks a year? I don’t even care how much it costs—here’s a check, you fill in what you think is fair.” All budding entrepreneurs take note.

18. St. Louis Rams

Their second straight ass-kicking in a row. And they weren’t even the ones getting their asses kicked! Bradford is generally locked in—that end zone INT to Earl Thomas was shitty, but otherwise he looks totally ninja out there. The defense is really coming together well, too. Freddy Robbins is quickly becoming the best offseason acquisition in the NFC. Also, go back to those Sportsnation approval ratings for a minute. Wait, I’ll give you the link again. Here it is. Scroll all the way to the top. Notice who’s there? I think it’s telling that now that Spags is focusing his efforts on the defense, and allowing Shurmer to call his own plays, and letting Bradford audible at the line, he looks a lot smarter. Also, all coaches take note: you look like a much better clock manager when you beat other teams by two or more touchdowns. Just a thought. Hopefully they keep it up this week. If they do, then they have a legit shot at winning the NFC West. Oh, wait, who called that at the beginning of the year? Me? Huh. I’ll be goddamned.

17. Cincinnati Bengals

How do you lose to the fucking Browns? And it wasn’t even like this one was on Carson Palmer—he thought it was turn-back-the-clock day. No, I don’t know who to pin this one on. Marvin Lewis? Maybe. This team just chews up running backs, too. Cedric Benson is fine this year, but by next year, he’ll be looking over his shoulder, with some fourth round pick ready to steal carries from him—with good reason, too, because that fourth round pick will probably be a pro bowler for two years, then will flame out in turn before opening up a car dealership with a washed-up Redskin. Speaking of which, where’s Rudi Johnson?

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Who really knows what the deal is with this team? Mike Williams is looking like the best rookie wideout not named Dez Bryant. Josh Freeman is getting better. Their D-line should be okay. So what’s not to like? I dunno. I just don’t think they’re as far along as some other teams. Maybe Josh Freeman will end up being in this vaunted “next generation of great quarterbacks” that currently has 1 and a half members (Bradford and Matt Ryan). I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something wrong here…

15. Denver Broncos

Jesus, really? I look away for one second, and it’s these guys’ turn? I think they’re allowing the fewest passing yards per game in the league, and Kyle Orton has the most passing yards per game (and most passing yards generally). Something has to give here at some point—either they aren’t this good, or their record is going to reflect how good they are. Until something breaks either way, let’s keep them comfortably in the middle.

14. Miami Dolphins

You boys icing your asses up? You could use it after that total shit-kicking last night. It was unbelievable. You’re telling me that RONNIE FUCKING BROWN COULDN’T GET ONE MORE FUCKING RECEIVING YARD OR THREE MORE RUSHING YARDS TO WIN ME MY FUCKING FANTASY GAME!?! FUCK!!! “I’ve never trusted Miami running backs and I never will. I’ll never forgive them for the death of my team.” Fuck these guys. Oh yeah, and Henne’s a shitty quarterback.

13. Chicago Bears

Man, that carriage turned into a pumpkin pretty quickly, didn’t it? And just in time for Halloween! How thoughtful of them! Watching that game on Sunday night was absolutely ridiculous. Their offensive line let more random guys through than Lindsey Lohan’s bodyguards. Cutler was just shell-shocked. Welcome to life in Mike Martz’s offense! Good luck, buddy!

12. Dallas Cowboys

Another sneaky team. But how could I put them any lower? They were one moron away from being 2-1. God damn that fucking Alex Barron. They are probably the favorites in the NFC East, but I’m not really sure what that means. They don’t really have a running game--Marion Barber lost 30 pounds this off-season while Felix Jones put on about 100. Still, at least in the regular season, I trust Romo more than any of these other jokers on other teams, and Miles Austin and Dez Bryant are a hell of a one-two combo. Hey, the Cardinals made it all the way to the Super Bowl without any semblance of a running game—can’t these guys at least make the playoffs?

11. Tennessee Titans

How fortuitous that these guys play the Cowboys this week! They get to settle this like men. I don’t know if you get the same feeling I do, but I think the Titans brag a little more than they can put up. Chris Johnson “is going to rush for 2500 yards this year.” Jeff Fisher “will tack on the undercoat for free.” Vince Young “can read.” It’s all a bit much when they fail to deliver over and over again. That said, I still think they find a way to get it done against the Cowboys this week.

10. Kansas City Chiefs

They do have a ridiculously “easy” schedule. I put easy in quotes for the moment because who knows what it’ll look like five weeks down the road. At least these guys have a solid running game. Cassell is another story. I guess they’re hoping he “comes around” or “gets it” at some point here. How many years can they afford to waste on him? Didn’t they learn anything from the Cardinals? Oh, but I guess you’re somehow better than Wisenhunt, aren’t you, Todd Haley? That’s right, you’re the cat’s fucking pajamas, aren’t you? Oh, well, pardon me, your majesty. Sorry to interrupt. Carry on.

9. Indianapolis Colts

Really? The Jaguars? Really? No, I mean, seriously? The fucking Jacksonville Jaguars? Playing there is like playing at a neutral site they have so many empty seats. I don’t even know what to say. I think they’re down to two healthy safeties now, and the offense, though good, isn’t good enough to carry their piss-poor defense. Peyton’s shoulders can only handle so much. If you were ever going to wake Mike Caldwell up, now would be the time. What? He’s not responding? Jesus, slap him in the face, or get him some smelling salts, for Chrissake. Oh my God, the old cocksucker is dead! Oh shit! Somebody put some sunglasses on him and put that Weekend at Bernie’s music on, now! Oh shit, oh shit, everyone stay cool. Okay, we have to get our stories straight. Okay, so I was out at the movies, what were you guys doing? No, laundry isn’t a plausible alibi! Goddamn it, get a hold of yourself man! Oh, look, he’s awake. Huh. Well, fuck. Let’s move on…

8. Houston Texans

They only beat the Raiders by a touchdown, and I’m still not totally on board with these guys. Arian Foster is averaging 6 yards per carry. Good for him. The defense is a little shaky, Andre Johnson is hurt, and, oh yeah, THEIR LEFT TACKLE WAS BUSTED FOR FUKING STEROIDS. Right now, I don’t think they can beat any of the teams that are higher on this list. Prove me wrong, Texans.

7. Atlanta Falcons

What a shitty interception to throw at the end of the game, Matt Ryan. Good thing that Roddy White saved your ass with that strip—now people don’t remember how awful you were. It’s like opening for Dave Chappelle. I don’t think that Michael Turner can stay healthy for the rest of the year, either. Hopefully Jason Snelling is as good as advertised. He better be, goddamn it. Otherwise I’m wasting a roster spot on a worthless backup.

6. New Orleans Saints

I’m not so sold on these assholes any more. They are like the opposite of the Steelers. It seems like their degree of difficulty decreases every week, and they’re still squeaking out wins against shitty teams. I mean, Carolina? You guys should’ve had Jimmy Clausen washing your cars like Biff Tannen, then bitched at him because he forgot the second coat of wax. But three fucking points? My God, you were favored by 13 ½!!! What the fuck happened? I had no idea Reggie Bush was so important to your team—honestly you guys probably didn’t either, though, right? Huh? Come on, you can tell me…

5. Green Bay Packers

I’m not nearly as sold as I was before. They lost to Chicago (total pretenders), and let Detroit hang around way too long with an injured Jahvid Best. Every fucking year, it’s the same thing: “Aaron Rogers is great, we have amazing talent, and….whoa—oh—ohhh!!! What the fuck happened?!? We’re just average.” Well, I place the blame squarely on that fat fuck Mike McCarthy. Ever since Holmgren left, they’ve been desperately looking for another head coach. This paranoid asshole is not the answer.

4. New England Patriots

I can’t figure this fucking team out. Conventional wisdom would tell you that they aren’t as good as their ass-kicking of Miami because they relied on so many big plays on defense and special teams for points, which tend to be total luck. Then again, they are 3-1 in what is probably the toughest division in the league. Brady sure looked like he cared last night. I give him five more weeks before he grows disinterested and pulls a Sampras. DAMN THAT FUCKING GISELE AND HER FEMININE WILES!

3. Baltimore Ravens

Wow, Joey, way to go! Two weeks in a row you hit $17.00 on the nose while pumping gas. One more week and I might start to think that you know what you’re doing. Until then, wake Ray Rice up, won’t you? Or at least fuck his girlfriend. According to Major League, that’s one way to get an otherwise disinterested player to start playing well again. Still, their defense is impressive. Most impressive. Much like…

2. New York Jets

I’m buying in! Did you know (so fucking sue me, ESPN. No, not really, you don’t own those 3 words, assholes) that Mark Sanchez is currently on pace to throw 40 touchdowns and 0 interceptions? That said, I’d still rather have Bradford as my QB going forward. No offense, Mark, it’s just that I don’t trust someone that looks like Adrian Grenier to do…well…pretty much anything. And with Santonio Holmes and Calvin Pace coming back, they should only get better for what should be an easy matchup on Monday Night against the Vikings. Rex, you fat fuck, you might just do it yet.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Last week was a setback. Not a major setback, but a setback nonetheless. Could you have picked a better weekend to lose than against your division rival/fellow top-5 team in the league? Sure. Especially when you did exactly what you were supposed to do (make Flacco beat you in the final seconds). I don’t like what Mike Tomlin said after the game, either, regarding how this was a good experience for his team because now they’ve experienced what a loss feels like. Uh, yeah buddy, now you just sound like the Hawks coach after the decisive game in the Mighty Ducks. Actually, you know what? That’s okay in my book. That guy was a fucking winner. He didn’t let little pisspants..es(?) ruin his streak of district championships. Shit, I’m sure they re-grouped the next year and kicked those fucking Ducks’ asses, especially if there was no Gordon Bombay around. Well, is there a Gordon Bombay in this league? Is there? No? Well, then I like my chances with the kindly prosecutor from Alabama. It’s just like they’re re-making those movies with Omar Epps. And that’s fine with me.

Questions? Comments? Wondering why these keep getting earlier and earlier in the week? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 4

2010-09-30T00:18:00.003-04:00

I was fortunate enough to attend the Rams-Redskins game this past weekend in St. Louis. Everyone bitches about the Edward Jones Dome, but I thought it wasn’t half bad. I didn’t even mind the constant TV timeouts as much as I remember minding them. My theory on this is that baseball has desensitized me to the excessive stoppages in play. I mean, when you go to the game and maybe 1/15^th of it is actual action, a 2-1/2 minute break after each change of possession doesn’t seem that bad. I would highly recommend attending a game to anyone within a reasonable distance of an NFL stadium. Translation: Fuck you, LA!!! On to the rankings. Actually, I never mention this, but I do these rankings without looking at ESPN’s, CNN’s, or any other outlet’s power rankings. Okay, NOW onto the rankings…

32. Carolina Panthers

Did you see that, Mel Kiper? Yeah, I guess that Jimmy Clausen was more “NFL-ready” than Sam Bradford. Never mind the three fumbles and interceptions, never mind the immature attitude or lack of any presence, I mean…aw, fuck, I can’t take it any more. Write it out with me now: “I will not trust Mel Kiper on quarterback evaluations any more.” I mean, seriously, has he ever been right? Was he a Ryan Leaf fan? I think he still has Jake Locker as number 1 on his “big board.” What does that tell you? They will be very lucky to win one game this year in the NFC South.

31. San Francisco 49ers

What a fucking mess. Obviously, the offensive coordinator is not the problem here. They remind me of the Rams last year if the Rams would have had Patrick Willis on defense. Good (if overrated) running back. Okay defense. Terrible QB. I mean, how many chances does Alex Smith get? He’s like Will Arnett or Josh Lucas—I mean, at some point, a turd is a turd. Mike Singletary is apparently willing to bet his job that it’s actually a Baby Ruth.

30. Buffalo Bills

A lot of people think that these guys should be where San Fran is. However, Ryan Fitzpatrick appears to be infinitely better than Alex Smith at this point. And that’s no Ivy League bias. I mean, sure, did you even see him play Cornell his senior year? Or how he manhandled the Elis his junior season for Hahhhvahhhd? He and his boys didn’t just roll a Stahh Mahhket in Milton fahh a baahhhx ‘a quaaataahs. I think they would beat the Niners on a neutral site right now.

29. Cleveland Browns

So I guess Jake Delhomme isn’t the answer, is he, Mangini? It’s kind of sad to read that ESPN: the Magazine article about Mangini in the football preview. He is pretty pathetic. An otherwise confident, outgoing man has been reduced to a sniveling people-pleaser because of fear for his job. I can save him a lot of time and trouble right now: YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB AFTER THIS SEASON, YOU FAT FUCK, BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A QUARTERBACK!!! So why don’t you, you know, pack your shit in a box already?

28. Arizona Cardinals

These guys should go to fucking Vegas right now. What a bunch of lucky sons of bitches. Of course, knowing their luck, Derek Anderson and Wisenhunt would end up winning $2800 each in $20 slots, then somehow getting free bottle service at Tao and banging a hook that only charges $200 a night. Fucking Cardinals.

27. Detroit Lions

Losing Jahvid Best really hurts me…er…them. Hurts them. OKAY FUCK, YOU KNOW WHAT NAYSAYERS, YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT!!! HE WAS THE WRONG PICK, OKAY!!! QUIT FUCKING REMINDING ME OF IT!!! On another note, we can obviously see what a difference Ndam Suh is making so far. Man, I wish the Rams would’ve taken him. He has single-handedly won…oh wait, that’s right…ZERO games for them so far. What a game-changer, though.

26. Oakland Raiders

Jesus. They’re obviously a better team than the Cardinals. I mean, they had ‘em. They had the foot on the throat and everything. It’s not their fault their dumb Pollack kicker can’t make a chip shot because he’s too hung-over. Somebody prop up Al Davis. Where are Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy when you need them?

25. Jacksonville Jaguars

Another week, another blowout loss. And it doesn’t get any easier for them this week when Indy comes to town. Honestly, I don’t know why they aren’t lower on this list. Maybe I am, stupidly, crediting them for past accomplishments, much like their pro scouting department. Garrard looks absolutely awful. Come to think of it, they look like the Rams last year, too. Man, how are this many terrible teams this season?

24. Washington Redskins

Way to go, DMac. Man, they looked pretty bad this past week. What I don’t understand is that Portis really was shredding the Rams for a while, and then dumb ass Mike Shanahan yanked him for Ryan Torain (no, not like that…). Really, weren’t they pretty lucky that Alex Barron was such a fuck-up in Week 1? Otherwise, it would be really ugly right now. By the way, it’s a good feeling to be playing an NFC East team in your own stadium. It’s like you have 4 fan bases rooting for your team, because those teams absolutely fucking hate each other. I was sitting next to some guys from OU at the Rams game that happened to be Cowboys fans, but they were fine rooting for the Rams because of (a) Bradford, and (b) they just flat out hate the Redskins. And yes, I checked, they meant the team.

23. New York Giants

What a fiasco. You’d think that Eli would show a little bit of that leadership that allowed him to beat the best team of all time in the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, he’s probably checked out on his career by now, unlike his brother. By the way, I keep getting conflicting reports on the new stadium. For those of you that have been there, any thoughts? Leave them in the comments.

22. St. Louis Rams

They have to be in front of the ‘Skins, right? I also really think Bradford is coming into his own here. He made a throw on 3^rd and 20 in the fourth quarter while rolling out to the right to step on the throats of the Skins that was totally fucking ninja. Sure, Steven Jackson might be hurt this week, but I still think they can take the…

21. Seattle Seahawks

Fantastic at home, garbage on the road. I mean, really, though, who did they beat at home already? The Niners (terrible) and the Chargers (terrible without their steroids). Who is running the ball for them? Leon Washington? Or is it Forsett? And Hasselbeck doesn’t look that good, either. You can’t score all of your points on special teams, idiots. I smell an upset this week, but until then, they still are the division leaders.

20. San Diego Chargers

19. Denver Broncos

I think these teams are about even. I’ll give the Broncos the slight edge because I think they’re a team on the rise, while the Chargers are pretty obviously living on borrowed time. Both of them have absolutely shitty coaching. By the way, who are these asshole commentators that think that the Chargers are still the favorites in the AFC West? Have they seen them play at all? I mean, come on, THEY HAVE A FUCKING BABY FOR A QUARTERBACK!!! A BABY!!! HE THROWS TANTRUMS AND EVERYTHING!!! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!! I apologize for yelling. Man, I’m inadvertently angry today. Sorry about that.

18. Minnesota Vikings

Way to beat up on the Best-less Lions, you big fucking bullies. Everyone keeps bitching about how Brett Favre “looks like he doesn’t want to play football any more.” Well, of course he doesn’t. These assholes dragged him from his home while he was recovering from ankle surgery and basically forced him to play for them this year. Would you be so happy if you were dragged from your house and forced to throw a football at moving targets while a bunch of ‘roided out monsters desperately were running at you full speed? I bet by week 4 you’d be crying like a little bitch, too. Well, Brett’s crying. Crying like a little bitch. And there’s nothing Brad Childress can do about it.

17. Cincinnati Bengals

My God Carson Palmer looks absolutely horrid. Just awful. He is Jake Delhomme this year. I can see it now. Cincinnati holds on to him next year, one year too long. Maybe he throws 6, 7 INTs in a game. They release him to much fanfare without a backup plan that doesn’t involve his brother. They wait two years to bottom out and get the top pick in the draft so that they can pick a franchise QB. Meanwhile, Carson goes to Buffalo, Carolina, or some other equally horrible team to try to “resurrect” his career, where he ends up failing miserably and buying a used car lot. Bookmark this page and let me know if I’m wrong three years from now.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sure they deserve to drop. Shit, I don’t even think you can argue that. Of course, much like Tennessee last week, they did lose to the best team in the league. Now granted, they were blown out by the best team in the league with their fourth string quarterback playing, but tomato, to-mahto. I can’t imagine things turning out well for them. And so much for the Roethlisberger comparisons, Josh Freeman. No, not THOSE comparisons—as a quarterback! Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter.

15. Dallas Cowboys

Maybe this is too big of a swing in the other direction for a team that doesn’t have a running game to speak of. Maybe I admire them taking care of business against the Texans. Maybe I’m fucking crazy and don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing. You decide. All I know is that the NFC East is wide open right now, and once Vick comes back to earth, I wouldn’t bet against the Cowboys.

14. New England Patriots

They barely beat the Bills. It was at Buffalo, but they barely beat the Bills. I don’t know what this team is doing. They are seemingly coasting along, not worried about any given game. I guess you could say they’re taking on the personality of their quarterback. Oh, and their defense is too young and can’t stop the run at the second level. And they’re still in the top half of teams in the league!

13. Miami Dolphins

Who can figure out this division, anyway? They can’t beat the Jets at home, with Revis and Kris Jenkins out, and Braylon Edwards serving his…er…”suspension” for the first quarter. Brandon Marshall was having his way with the Jets secondary. So what happened? Chad Henne, that’s what. Maybe he’s not “good enough to win a playoff game,” or even “good enough to make the playoffs,” or “good enough to get the ball to his top-five wideout.” I mean, it tells you something that Ronnie Brown generally quarterbacks for them in the red zone out of the wildcat. This I when you have the highest probability of scoring points. And you’re letting your running back throw passes? Yikes!

12. Houston Texans

Yeah, I’m dropping them this far. Fuck ‘em. Real men close out home games against their in-state rivals. And I don’t want to hear any of these “But, but, but, we didn’t have Andwe Johnson!” or “But, but, ouw left tackuwl got busted for stewoids!” excuses. You sound like fucking babies. Get over it. Luckily, you get Oakland this week. Think you ladies can close out that one?

11. Baltimore Ravens

So they beat the Jets and Cleveland, but lost to the Bengals? Huh. Amazing how that Cleveland secondary can make even Flacco look like a rock star. It’s like the Browns are a full-service gas station—he hit $15.00 on the nose for that tank last week. I still don’t trust them, no matter how good their defense is.

10. Kansas City Chiefs

They have so many home run hitters, it doesn’t even matter that they have wimpy singles-hitter Matt Cassell playing quarterback. They’re like the Dodgers with James Loney at first base—they can afford the lack of production there as long as they have other guys producing. They have been a bit lucky with the big plays so far, and luck tends to even out over the course of a full season, but that game against San Diego was huge, and if you bet against them taking the AFC West right now, you’re a fucking lunatic.

9. Chicago Bears

Sure they won that Monday Night game in spectacularly luck…err…skilled fashion. But does anyone really think that on a neutral field right now, the Bears would beat the Packers? I certainly don’t. They relied on one of their ‘roided-out monster linebackers to pop the ball out of a receiver’s hands. That passes for good football nowadays? I’m still not sold on Cutler yet, either—he is bound to have a string of those 1 TD, 3 INT games soon. Count on it.

8. Atlanta Falcons

They lost to the best team in the league, beat one of the worst teams in the league (Arizona), and had to rely on a missed field goal to beat one of the better teams in the league? I guess that’s not really a question, but do we really know what this team is yet from that sample size? That said, they do get San Fran at home this week, so there’s a pretty good chance they’re coming out of this one 3-1. Even still, will we really be able to tell anything about them after that one? Food for thought…

7. Tennessee Titans

Perhaps I was a bit overzealous at the start of the season. Or, maybe they just happened to draw the shit end of the stick at the wrong time against Pittsburgh. (As an aside, where does that expression come from? Instead of drawing straws in the past, in colonial times did they just gather up a bunch of sticks and have someone stick one up their ass, and the poor bastard that pulled the “shit” end of the stick had to do something really terrible? Like clean chamber pots or become mayor? The things you wish they taught you at Colonial Williamsburg…). Still, as long as they can keep running, they’re good. If you force them to pass, they can be beaten.

6. Philadelphia Eagles

What? No this is not a reverse jinx! What the fuck are you talking about? Bitch, you cookin’? Oil? The bottom line is, as soon as defenses figure Vick out, they’re fucked. While defenses let him play “throw the ball as far as you can and let your ridiculously fast receivers chase passes down,” they will lose. Somebody will find a way to beat him. Maybe instead of a nickel back, they should bring in an extra safety over the top and force him to make short-to-intermediate throws. Just a thought. And yes, I am available to interview for defensive coordinator positions.

5. New York Jets

I guess I’ll give it to ‘em. Sure, why not? Sanchez is really starting to come out of his shell. Apparently, the coaching staff used to bitch at him so much that he was terrified to throw an INT and continually checked down. Now, they are giving him more leeway. Huh, who would have thought that a young quarterback might be fragile? At any rate, if they can get healthy, and Sanchez can keep it up when Santonio Holmes comes back, they might—might—be able to make a deep run in the playoffs.

4. New Orleans Saints

Something’s off, Saints. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s Reggie being out. Maybe it’s that Pierre Thomas can’t carry the water himself. Shit, I don’t know, maybe you miss Mike Bell. OR MAYBE IT’S THE DUMB FUCK FIELD GOAL KICKER THAT MISSES A FUCKING 29-YARDER!!!! Either way, you know, not so impressive so far. I mean, almost losing to the Niners? Fucking unforgiveable. That said, with Drew Brees as the QB, you’re automatically one of those teams that can be penciled in as a contender. Still, though, you need to figure out what’s wrong, fast.

3. Green Bay Packers

Man, that was a tough one on Monday Night. I don’t know what it is about this team. Aaron Rodgers looks great. The wideouts are okay. The defense is good. I mean, sure, they have no running back, but even still, they should have beat the Bears. I don’t know if Rodgers is a non-closer, or if McCarthy is a fuck-up, or what. I’m leaning towards McCarthy, as he apparently was threatened enough by a groundskeeper’s offhand comment to fire his ass. What a shit nugget.

2. Indianapolis Colts

Maybe I’m being sucked in by the name. Or maybe I trust Peyton Manning way more than any other QB and/or head coach in the league (at least during the regular season). As expected, Peyton has them whipped into shape after that Week 1 loss to the Texans, because NO COLT LOSES TO THE FUCKING TEXANS!! HOO-RAH!! Or whatever he’s saying when he bitches out his wideouts. I still think that they’re only second-best, though, to the…

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

It’s like they keep increasing the degree of difficulty each week for this team and they keep answering the call. Beat the Falcons in OT? Okay, we’ll see how you do against a damned good Tennessee team. Beat them too? Well let’s see how you do against an undefeated Bucs team with your fourth-string QB. Wow, you beat them, also? Wise guy, eh? Ahhh, see, now you get Baltimore, seeee, let’s see how you do against them! My guess is they figure out a way to win it. And even if they don’t, they’re getting Therapist back for week 6 after their bye. Unless they get utterly destroyed this week, I think they’ll probably be in this spot for another couple go-arounds. Or not. Fuck it. What the fuck do I know?

Questions? Comments? Wondering why this is up early this week? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com.

NFL Power Rankings Week 3

2010-09-25T14:39:00.002-04:00

Tennessee? I was way off! Okay, okay, now that we know that somehow QB IQ is correlated with success (unless you’re Michael Vick, but more on that later), I guess my Titans weren’t all that some people were making them out to be. So sue me. What? You’re planning on it? Please don’t. Anyway, a lot changed this week, so let’s get to the rankings:

32. St. Louis Rams

I gave you my word, and my word is as strong as Oak…land was in the second half of that game on Sunday. I think that it’s pretty obvious that we don’t exactly have Einstein and Niels Bohr coaching the team. Instead, we have Pat “call runs when there are eight guys stacked in the box and change things up with 3 yard passes” Shurmer and Steve “Help!” Spagnuolo. I think the “funniest” part of this whole thing is that on the local ESPN radio station, there is a commercial where Spagnuolo is fucking around with some of the drive time hosts, and he says, “I appreciate the effort, but I’m disappointed with the result,” in total monotone. I’m pretty sure he’s delivered this line in the same way after 17 of his 18 games as a head coach. Oh yeah, whenever you have three devastating personal fouls at pivotal moments in the game, it’s not going to help. I mean, come on, fellas! IT WAS THE FUCKING RAIDERS!!! You know what, on second thought, just keep Bradford healthy and maybe he’ll pick this team up single-handedly starting with this week’s game against the ‘Skins. He better, or else the Rams are fucked.

31. Carolina Panthers

Thanks for playing, guys. You know, if you can say one thing about John Fox, it’s that he’s got a keen eye for QB talent. First Jake Delhomme, then Matt Moore, now Jimmy Clausen gets the keys to take the offense for a spin. Never mind that he’ll bring it back nearly totaled with a couple of fellas from the pier in it at 5:00 am while Fox angrily waits on the porch. The important thing is that they figure out what kind of bust he will be sooner rather than later so that they can move on.

30. Arizona Cardinals

Jesus, if they get beaten that badly by the Falcons, and they barely beat the Rams, then how bad are the Rams? I mean, Larry Fitzgerald should call the cops—they are stealing a season in his prime from him this year. That’s at least one pro bowl he won’t get back. If I were him, I’d be on the phone every day with Kurt Warner begging him to come back. No, really, if it were me, I’d be crying and just really pathetic, sniveling like a little Phillip Rivers “Kuuurrrrttt!!! Commmmmeeee BAAAAAAACCCCKK! Waaaaah! Waaaaah!” You would lose any remaining respect you had for me (I’m sure not much to begin with).

29. Cleveland Browns

Is that box packed up yet, Mangini? Got all of the pictures of your family in there? Maybe a cheesy coffee mug or favorite desk lamp? Oh, the lamp is the team’s? And the mug? And the family? Jesus, do you own anything other than the shirt on your back? You’re not wearing a shirt? Excuse me…BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH….BLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…Oh God, hold on, here comes the second wa…BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAHH…BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH…no, but seriously, that’s fucking disgusting.

28. Buffalo Bills

Isn’t this the same dance they did last year? “Trent Edwards is our QB. No wait, Fitzpatrick. No, some other piece of shit that we’ll dig up.” At some point, you have to address the position, fellas. And please, DO NOT take Jake Locker if you want to rebuild this thing. Remember J.P. Losmann? Now imagine him, but with worse accuracy. Doesn’t sound so good any more, does it?

27. Oakland Raiders

They’re still not any good. Fucking Bruce Gradkowski. I guess Jason Campbell was the problem.

26. Minnesota Vikings

Yeah, I did it. What the fuck are you gonna do about it? The Vikings remind me of the Rams last year (not good). Good RB, no wideouts, shitty QB, doesn’t matter how good the defense is. I mean, really, at this point they should tell Favre “thanks, but no thanks,” and send him home so that they can tank the rest of the season and be in position next year to draft Andrew Luck. Luck strikes me as the Bradford type—he can step in immediately and have an impact. Of course, if they continue on with Favre, they may end up tanking the season anyway. Let’s move on…

25. San Francisco 49ers

HOW CAN YOU NOT BEAT THE CHAMPS WHEN YOU HAVE THEM ON THE ROPES!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! I guess when Alex Smith is your QB and crazy Mike Singletary is your coach, anything is possible!

24. Seattle Seahawks

Um…I suppose the Broncos are better than you, Pete Carroll. I…err…guess… that Matt Hassellbeck is still an…hmm…”okay” quarterback. This is headed for disaster. And yes, all 4 NFC West teams are in the bottom quarter of the league. Quit yer’ fucking bitching already.

23. Dallas Cowboys

This could get really ugly really quickly. Jerry Jones gave Wade Phillips the dreaded “vote of confidence” this week, so if he loses, he might want to pack his shit up in a box. Why do owners even give the vote of confidence? Is it to motivate the coaches? If so, wouldn’t a “yeah, he’s been a shitty coach, he’s on the hot seat” motivate him better? If that happened to me, I’d lock myself in a fucking room with a notepad and watch film and draw up plays right up until game time. Could we call it the “vote of no confidence?”

22. Detroit Lions

As every “pundit” has been quick to point out, they are the best 0-2 team in the league. Jahvid Best is making me look like a fucking genius. By the way, is there any way you can buy stock in athletes’ careers? If so, I would be the fucking Warren Buffett of rookie running backs. I guess I am saved from my disgrace last year because there wasn’t a single rookie RB that contributed. Best is…well… “best.” I’m also not too broken up about Stafford missing some time. As far as I’m concerned, Shaun Hill is a little more accurate and has a little more experience than Mr. Frat Jacuzzi.

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

After that ass-kicking last week at the hands of the fucking Chargers, of all teams, you might want to keep your shit packed in a box, Jaguars. It’s only a matter of time before this team moves to L.A. anyway—as a Rams fan, we can only hope that (1) these fucking hicks around here aren’t stupid enough to vote against an outdoor, retractable roof stadium, and (2) L.A. does not want 2 teams. Whatta ya think ya are, New Jersey? I mean, how “awful” would it have really been to draft Tebow in the first round? At the very least, you’d have a new QB to plug in at Week 8.

20. Denver Broncos

You can try to get away, Broncos, but I’m still going to fucking marry you to the Jags until you prove that you should be higher. You’ll have ample opportunity in the coming weeks, as you have Indy, at Tennessee, and at Baltimore. If you win two of those, you go higher. Otherwise, this feels about right.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I believe it was Bill Simmons himself that described Josh Freeman as looking like a “young Ben Roethlisberger.” I mean, honestly, with a competent head coach, this should be the Rams’ spot. Bradford is 10 times the QB that Freeman is. Still, maybe I was wrong about this guy being a huge bust. The only thing that worries me about him is that he was a 59% passer at KSU...in the Big 12…where everybody runs the spread offense. Still, prove me wrong, Raheem and Josh!

18. Philadelphia Eagles

This is a bit lower than most people probably have the Iggles, but how can I possibly put them higher after this whole QB fiasco? Obviously, the locker room wanted Vick in there, but if you’re Andy Reid, you have to stick to your guns. Vick still seems overmatched by the intellectual aspects of the game (there aren’t many), and appears to be, for lack of a better word, dumb. Oh, and they barely beat the Lions even with Vick in there. This has clusterfuck written all over it.

17. New York Giants

Not good, Tom Coughlin. Not good at all. Peyton really came in, stole his brother’s lunch money, and bloodied his nose, didn’t he? Luckily, the game last week was over by the time Mad Men was on, so we were able to watch the episode without distraction. By the way, did anyone else get the feeling that this last episode of Mad Men was just kind of moving the pieces around for the rest of the season? I mean, Lost had 10 of these episodes per season, Mad Men has one. Go figure.

16. Washington Redskins

That was a tough one to take, Skins. Fucking Matt Schaub, am I right? It was painful to watch that OT and see Gary Kubiak be rewarded for pussing out by punting when he had a 52-yard field goal set up. I guess you get the Rams this week, but I’d be careful—everyone is picking you, so that usually means that something is up, especially with a 3.5 point spread. And by the way, DOES ANYONE ELSE REMEMBER THAT CLINTON PORTIS IS THE STARTING RUNNING BACK FOR THIS TEAM?!?! Not good…

15. Cincinnati Bengals

Despite the win over the Ravens, I’m not sold on this team. I think that Carson Palmer’s time has passed. Send him to the glue factory. Outside of him, they have a cast-off running back, two wideouts that are more interested in tweeting than playing, and a defense that rivals Fort Leavenworth for number of convictions. Did I mention that the QBs brother is his backup? If they even have one injury on offense, they’re fucked, right?

14. San Diego Chargers

I guess the baby (Phil Rivers) slept soundly after that ass-kicking of the Jags. Maybe Norv Turner popped out a nipple that he could suck on. Or maybe somebody finally noticed that he was crying because he pooped his pants. Either way, you probably shouldn’t be too loud around him so that you don’t wake him up. We’ve all seen those kind of ugly tantrums before. I can just see Norv Turner dragging Rivers through a movie theater as Rivers cries and yells, whispering to people as they go by “Sorry. I’m so sorry. Sorry.” Good times.

13. Kansas City Chiefs

Pretty good, Chiefs. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good. I wouldn’t trust Matt Cassell to give me directions to the nearest Starbucks, but they’ve been able to succeed with him. By the way, if you’re Todd Haley, what the fuck are you thinking by giving Thomas Jones the majority of the carries? Jamaal Charles is a home-run hitter like fucking Mark McGwire. He is probably the second best running back in the league to Chris Johnson. And what does he do on Sundays? He has a ballcap on and fetches Thomas Jones his water. Come on, Jamaal! I’d trade Steven Jackson for you in a St. Louis second (roughly a minute).

12. New England Patriots

They had the Jets last week. Fucking had them dead to rights. But they couldn’t step on the throat and finish the job. I am thoroughly enjoying the Tom Brady “my wife won’t let me cut my hair” subplot, as well. Really, Tom? Why don’t you just cut your dick off and be done with it? I guess that’s why I’m single.

11. New York Jets

“HAIL REVIS, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME.” Now, you’re probably thinking “what the fuck did Revis do last week? All I saw him do was get burned by Moss for a TD.” Well, if you watched Hard Knocks, you know that the Jets credit him for everything short of curing cancer and winning the Nobel Prize. Too bad he can’t designated drive. I’m not totally sold on Sanchez yet, either, which is unfortunate because he’s the backup QB on my fantasy team.

10. Atlanta Falcons

Way to beat up on the shitty teams, Matt Ryan. By the way, is there any reason I should think that Michael Turner will be able to finish out the season? And is there any reason why they should hand the job back to Turner when Jason Snelling is tearing shit up?

9. Tennessee Titans

Sure they lost last week. And sure, Vince Young looked like an asshole. And sure, if they have to go with Kerry Collins for an extended period of time, they’re totally fucked. But they lost to what is (in my opinion and SPOILER ALERT) the best team in the league last week. I can’t drop them too far. That said, it’s a quarterback-driven league now, and if your quarterback needs help to tie his shoes or go to the bathroom, you might have a serious problem. We’ll keep watching (not when Vince goes to the john. Jesus Fucking Christ, get your mind out of the gutter).

8. Chicago Bears

They should be 1-1. But you know what? Good teams find ways to steal those types of games. I love the Mike Martz rebirth, too. Would anyone in St. Louis be upset if we canned Spagnuolo and brought Martz back after this season? The only reason I would even pause for a minute is that bringing him back would entail teaching his system to Bradford, and at this young age, it might be impossible for Bradford to learn how to be an actual QB that has to throw to routes instead of places. Still, it is an intriguing thought.

7. Baltimore Ravens

Terrible loss to the Bengals. I just don’t trust Joe Flacco at all. He just seems like the type of guy that ends up paying $14.98 or $17.01 for gas. The unfortunate part of it is that Marc Bulger is now the backup QB, so they would almost get worse by pulling him. Thankfully for John Harbaugh, their defense is fucking great, so they might be able to keep it going. By the way, did anyone else see Ray Rice’s face on milk cartons this past week? He has been MIA for a while.

6. Houston Texans

I’m still not sold. They really should be 1-1. Taking that punt in overtime is inexcusable—I am certain the football gods will take one back from them down the road. Also, apparently Adrian Foster has some ball security issues, according to Bill Simmons. This has “we’re 2-0, we’re the hot pick” then “how did we get to be 8-8?” written all over it. That said, until they start that downward spiral, I’ll keep them here.

5. Miami Dolphins

They are just a really well-coached, well-run team. Chad Henne does well enough. Sparano is the type of guy you want coaching your team (basically a stand-in for Parcells), and they have a monster defense. Don’t tell JSugar, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they made it to the Super Bowl this year. They are the darkest of horses right now.

4. Indianapolis Colts

I guess they climbed right back on the wagon, didn’t they? Peyton is back. It really has to wear on him, being the best quarterback in the league and head coach. Seriously, when he retires, do they just plug him in as head coach immediately? If not, is there any way I can get the Rams to do so? It’s like Madden ’04 where the retired players immediately become coaching candidates—I just won like 3 Super Bowls in a row with Derrick Brooks as my head coach. And yes, I still play Madden ’04 on my X-Box. You know why? It’s the best fucking version of the game by far. I haven’t bought Madden in like 3 years, but if EA released a version of Madden ’04 with updated rosters, I’d buy it in a second. Really, that goes for most games, especially Ken Griffey baseball for SNES and NHL ’94 for Genesis. This is a huge market waiting to be exploited.

3. New Orleans Saints

Eeeeeeee…did it just get hot in here, or is it me? I mean, they did end up taking care of business against the Niners, but their balls got a little close to the bandsaw. Brees has been good, not great, and Reggie Bush is out for quite a while now. After this game against Atlanta, they have 4 easy ones (Carolina, at Arizona, at Tampa Bay, Cleveland), so they should be able to pile up some wins. Still, I’m starting to get a bit worried about them.

2. Green Bay Packers

Though they’re here for now, I get a really bad feeling about them Monday Night against Chicago. Don’t get me wrong, I think Aaron Rodgers will do well (AND MY FANTASY TEAM IS COUNTING ON YOU, ASSHOLE), but something doesn’t seem right. They’re getting 3 on the road, so it feels like the type of game that Chicago will get blown out of, or they will win outright. That said, the Packers are fucking good.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

They’re 2-0 already. I said from the beginning they could go 2-2 here and still be in good shape to make then playoffs once Rapey McRaperson came back from his suspension for…well…rape. They have at Tampa Bay, and then Baltimore at home over the next two weeks. They should be 3-1 after those two. Then they get a bye, and Big Ben gets to ease back in like an old man into a warm bath against Cleveland at home in week 6. I think the bigger point is that THEY’VE PROVEN THEY CAN WIN WITH FUCKING DENNIS DIXON AS THEIR QUARTERBACK!!! Most teams bitch about having a shitty quarterback and still can’t win. The Steelers just take care of fucking business and, oh yeah, have a top-ten quarterback coming in for them in week 6. Is there any reason this team shouldn’t be a top-2 seed in the AFC?

Questions? Comments? Wondering why I reference Bill Simmons so much in my posts? E-mail the Blogmogger team at blogmogger@yahoo.com. You might even get featured in a mailbag.

NFL Power Rankings Week 2 2010

2010-09-18T11:35:00.002-04:00

Well, that was a hell of a first week, wasn’t it? We…uh…well…I would say that we learned a lot, but we really didn’t. Oh well. On to the week 2 rankings.

32. Oakland Raiders

They looked really, really bad against the Titans last week. Now, the Titans are awesome, and they may even go to the Super Bowl, but there’s no reason that every single Raider should get blown up as much as they did. It was ridiculous. I have never seen a team so thoroughly get the ever living shit beaten out of them. Thank God the Rams get them this week.

31. Cleveland Browns

You might want to keep your shit packed in a box, Mangini. Jake Delhomme is obviously not the answer. Over under for number of weeks until Colt McCoy gets in a game: 6. You might want to take the under the way things are going.

30. San Francisco 49ers

Too bad, Mike Singletary. Really, it is. Huh, who would’ve thought that Ale Smith is still terrible? Oh, me? Wow. I mean, can we please end the Bradford-Alex Smith comparisons, folks? Bradford already looks much better than Smith ever did. If Alex Smith is starting for your high school team, you’re in trouble. In the NFL, it gets you a four touchdown loss to the Seahawks. Ugh.

29. Buffalo Bills

I mean, they kept it relatively close against the Dolphins, who are a pretty good team right now. Trent Edwards is a big problem though—I was way off in this post. If you’re a Bills fan, you just gotta hope that Oakland or Cleveland loses more games than them, just to take the gun away from their head in the Jake Locker “sweepstakes.”

28. Arizona Cardinals

I guess the Derek Anderson experiment worked this week. Too bad he’s fucking terrible.

27. Carolina Panthers

Maybe Matt Moore isn’t as good as y’all thought, eh John Fox? What’s that? Jimmy Clausen is your backup? Well, I guess you’re royally fucked then. Here’s a thought—keep feeding your running backs the ball. At least they won’t toss it directly to the other team.

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Way to beat up on the Browns. I bet that makes you feel like a big man, Raheem Morris. Well, fuck you—your team still sucks.

25. St. Louis Rams

That Cardinals game was frustrating as hell last week. I only got to watch the first half because I was travelling, but Jesus, how does this team consistently snatch defeat from the jaws of victory? At least Bradford looked good—Wisenhunt even said as much in his post-game interview. I fully expect a win this week over the Raiders—if not, I’ll put them at 32 next week.

24. Denver Broncos

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

I’m grouping these two teams together because I watched a lot of their game last weekend, and I’ll be goddamned if I could tell anything from it. Is Jacksonville better than Denver? Maybe. But maybe Denver had a bad game, or got lost in the slop down there. It’s a toss-up. Whatever. Fuck ‘em.

22. Detroit Lions

Yeah, you got shit on. You know what? It fucking happens. I guess big ole’ Southern Boy Matt Stafford isn’t quite as durable as y’all thought, now is he? And Jahvid Best didn’t look as good as he did in the preseason. Shaun Hill has proven roughly nothing in his NFL career. I guess Ndam Suh looked ok, but things could get rough for these guys.

21. Seattle Seahawks

Um…I guess? Who knows? Maybe they’re that good, or maybe the Niners are that bad. Either way, they made a fool of me, and I don’t like being made a fool of. You’ll get yours, Seahawks. You’ll get yours…

20. Chicago Bears

You hear that, Bears? That’s the bullet you just dodged whizzing by your temple. It would be nice if Matt Forte could run a little better, but I’ll take the receiving yards and TDs on my fantasy team any day. Godspeed, Bears. Godspeed.

19. San Diego Chargers

Waaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaah! Sorry, I was doing my Phillip Rivers impersonation. What a fucking cry-baby. Fuck him. These guys suck.

18. Philadelphia Eagles

Goddamn I hate Michael Vick. I’m a bit of a dog-lover, so I have no patience for a real cock that thinks that torturing dogs is a good time. Fuck him. That said, he’s also a pretty shitty QB. Everyone forgets that he always had big games against the Packers back in the day. But since nobody seems to remember what happened at the end of his time in Atlanta, let me give you a little history lesson. The Bucs always were hell for Vick because they play a Cover 2, where their corners press up and cover the flats. This contains Vick and forces him to throw. And guess what? HE CAN’T FUCKING THROW! Give the team that’s playing him a week to prepare, and they’ll put in some variation of the Cover 2 to stop him. You heard it here first.

17. Cincinnati Bengals

A lot of talk, not much action. Same old Bengals. By the way, does it seem like USC QBs just turn to absolute shit when they get out of college? Carson Palmer is the best of the bunch, and he only had a couple of Pro Bowl seasons. Leinart was Hindenburg-tastic in Arizona, and Sanchez is filling the blimp up with helium in New York. I guess Cassell has a shot in KC, but I wouldn’t bet my car on it. They all seem so mentally weak and fucking childish—not a leader in the bunch. Even though Carson had a good stat day, he did not look good. Unless he turns it around, they’re in trouble in a tough AFC North.

16. New York Jets

Shut your fucking trap, Rex Ryan, you fat fuck. I guess Revis didn’t solve all of your problems, did he? It sucks when you guys have a shitty USC QB calling the shots, especially when he checks down more than Johnny Chan. Maybe they’ll turn it around, but Shonn Greene looks fucking terrible, and I think that LaDanian Tomlinson is about as good at carrying the water as Jack and Jill.

15. Dallas Cowboys

Ha! Hey Cowboys, just a tip—if the Rams want to trade you their starting left tackle, there’s probably a good reason for it. I mean, seriously, did they not watch any Rams games last year? This guy is a bona-fide drive killer. I guess he’s graduated to killing games now. He’s like some kind of weird, bored football serial killer—maybe he’ll turn it up another notch and kill their season, too.

14. Atlanta Falcons

Don’t make me look like an asshole, Matt Ryan. I trusted you, buddy. You better get your shit together real soon, I tell ya’ what. You hear that, boy? Don’t you sass me like that. Fucking win a football game, dick.

13. Minnesota Vikings

Let’s be clear about one thing: Brett Favre will miss a start this year. If not, he may actually die on the field. He is too injured, and if not, the game has passed him by. So you have to factor in a couple of Tavaris Jackson losses, and those won’t be pretty. They just looked really bad in the opener, so we’ll see if they can turn it around.

12. Washington Redskins

Goddamn, this is high for them. I don’t like buying into the hype, I really don’t. So why this high? Jason Campbell absolutely appears to have been the problem in D.C., so maybe over a full season with McNabb at QB, they can possibly sneak into the playoffs. Allthough they may need Alex Barron’s help again.

11. Kansas City Chiefs

Sure, why not? They have 2 bona-fide RBs, including a genuine home-run hitter in Jamaal Charles. They have a Swiss-Army Knife gadget man in Dexter McCluster. Matt Cassel didn’t look great, but all he has to be is “good enough.” And in that monsoon on Monday, he looked “good enough.”

10. Indianapolis Colts

They always say not to put too much stock in what happens in week 1, but the Texans finally stepped on their throats, and they’re still gagging pretty badly. Peyton is going to have to do a better coaching job this week. They’re a year older and somewhat beaten up, but they probably have a 9-7 year in them. They might even turn it around, but the AFC South looks like it’s so tough this year that they might be in for a fall.

9. Miami Dolphins

I mean, this feels about right for the marine mammals. Chad Henne is good enough, and Ronnie Brown can carry the water as long as he’s healthy. And that’s all I have to say about that.

8. New York Giants

Ha. After all of that bitching from Giants fans about how this is a rebuilding year and all of the experts talking about the other 3 teams in the division, the Giants sure looked like the best team in that division last week. Eli does enough to get the job done. If they’d just pull the trigger on a deal for a RB, they’d be in really good shape. Hakeem Nicks looks like the real deal, too, continuing the trend of “I draft a rookie wideout one year, then he breaks out the next.” Tom Coughlin, you may keep your job yet.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers

Well hey, that wasn’t so bad, now was it? You don’t need that big ol’ sex offender at QB, now do you? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if they can get through these first 4 games at 2-2, they’ll be in great shape to make the playoffs.

6. Green Bay Packers

That was a relatively unimpressive victory over the Eagles. Aaron Rodgers needs to put up bigger numbers so that my fantasy te…er…so that they do better on offense. With how weak the NFC North is this year, they should coast to the division title.

5. Houston Texans

This is a pretty high jump, but I think they’ve earned it. Matt Schaub finally closed one. He’s like the Anthony Michael Hall character in any number of 80s movies—the nerd that never can make it with the hot chick. Well guess what, folks? The movie’s over now, and guess who’s fucking the cheerleader? Also, Arian Foster looks to be a hell of a RB. Although these RBs that went to Tennessee have a tendency of coming on strong and flaming out (Travis Minor, anyone?). We’ll see if they can keep it up.

4. New England Patriots

Well, I guess they answered the doubters. They bloodied the noses of those little upstart Bengals, now didn’t they? Brady obviously has it again, and their young defense appears to be gelling. That crotchety old fuck Belichick won’t allow them get complacent, and with Moss already making noise about leaving, this could be their last great team for a couple of years. Never count them out—especially if they get to tape the other team’s practices. (As an aside, is it just me or has everyone outside of St. Louis forgotten that SpyGate ever happened? I mean, sure, the Pats lost a first round pick, but isn’t that worth it to win a Super Bowl? I’m sure 31 teams would make that deal—and the only reason Al Davis might not is because he might be dead. Let’s move on…)

3. Baltimore Ravens

“Oh wow, we held the Jets to 9 points! We’re the fucking best!” Let’s not get too nuts yet, fellas. Sure, the defense looks great. And I’m sure that they’ll look good on D for the rest of the year. But if I’m John Harbaugh or Ray Lewis, I use the fact that the Jets appear to be terrible as motivation going forward. Still the favorite in the AFC North.

2. New Orleans Saints

They probably should’ve done better against what looks to be a pretty terrible Vikings team. Oh well, a win’s a win. And it’s especially a win for Vegas when they push it out and Vegas gets to keep their 10%. We’ll see if they can keep it going this week—it’s not like the NFC South is that tough or anything this year.

1. Tennessee Titans

Man, these guys looked good against the Raiders last week. Granted, that’s not exactly playing the Saints or anything, but I mean, they looked really good. They were just blowing up guys like a bunch of those inflatable Shamu whales for the pool. Chris Johnson looks to be good for at least one long touchdown every week. And this year, it looks like the Colts may be off a bit, so maybe they (and the Texans) will finally make this the year where they slay the dragon and step on the throat of the beast.